PERPETUAL RAY
Copyright 2010 Darryl Hicks and A. S. Warwick
Perpetual Ray
It was a quiet afternoon in Yellowtown speakeasy ‘Tropical Vacation’. Teenaged Flo was too young for the speakeasy’s intoxicants, she was there for the Internet access.
As usual lately, Flo wore her flight jacket. In jacket pockets, Flo kept her turkey baster and her portable music player.
An audio gnome was attached to Flo’s audio device. The audio gnome loved turning up the volume of audio devices.
Next to Flo, a man and his robot were badgering each other. The robot was using the Internet. The man was using Tropical Vacation intoxicants.
Robot Ray said, “Sir, we have gone back in time to before they eradicated time warp.”
“Well, at least they have fuel,” replied Brian. “We were running low.”
“Good thing they took one of my refurbished robots in exchange for the fuel,” said Ray.
“They even gave us a loaded debit card so I could buy this,” said Brian, waving a pot pipe.
“Sir, inhaling carbonized flora is bad for your human body.”
“Get a life.”
“Get a positive IQ.”
“Will you both shut up!” yelled Flo.
Suddenly, a power surge zapped the Internet modem. Two things happened. The Internet connection died and Flo’s audio gnome transferred to the robot.
#@#@#@#@
Natasha was using Tropical Vacation’s facilities. She was sitting on a throne, meanwhile talking with boyfriend Bruce via SatPhone.
Bruce said, “My butt hurts like hell.”
Natasha said, “Imagine how your butt would hurt if you were rooming with Bubba in Yellow Valley jail. I mean like you kidnapped that Philville woman. It’s a good thing she didn’t press charges.”
“My butt STILL hurts like hell,” replied Bruce.
Out in the bar area, somebody yelled, “Phones and weapons on the floor now! Do it!”
Natasha said, “Somebody’s robbing Tropical Vacation. I can hear them confiscating phones and weapons.”
As Natasha talked, somebody entered the women’s room. A pair of arms snaked under the stall door and hands grabbed Natasha’s ankles. Natasha was yanked off of her throne.
Natasha’s phone went flying. Natasha landed hard on her bare butt.
#@#@#@#@
The phoneless speakeasy patrons were confined to a corner, well away from the Internet terminals.
Robot Ray loudly proclaimed, “My cpu chips are over-clocked. I never set them this fast.”
Brian said, “Ray, speak quietly. We’re prisoners, here.”
After a pause, Ray said in a normal voice, “Sorry sir. My audio volume was turned up to max unbeknownst to me.”
“Your loud voice sounds like an old woman.”
“Your ‘geriatric female’ insult was duly noted, but I am unable to respond now, due to an internal scan analyzing the volume problem.”
The diagnostic software ate cpu cycles voraciously. Ray’s eyes dimmed.
Inside the robot, the audio gnome chuckled. The gnome was in 7th heaven, not only was there an audio volume parameter to adjust, there were also other cool parameters the gnome could modify. The gnome continued tinkering with Ray’s parameters, pushing all of the parameter values to max.
#@#@#@#@
Natasha said, “My butt hurts like hell. I think that bitch with the double-m tat broke my tailbone.”
“That’s REALLY bad news,” said Flo.
“Because it could get infected?” asked Natasha.
“No, I meant the double-m tat is bad news. The perps are Maddox Maimers and I killed 2 of them last week.”
“You must be the girl who donated bone marrow for Kristen. She’s a personal friend. You’re my hero.”
“Thanks,” said Flo.
“Sorry my boyfriend kidnapped your mom.”
“Say what?”
“My boyfriend Bruce was one of the coconspirators. He’s now recovering from a wounded butt.”
“Mom was a bit angry then, but she’s normally a nice lady.”
“A nice lady with a black belt in many Asian disciplines, I heard.”
“Right,” said Flo. “Look, your boyfriend picked exactly the wrong woman to kidnap. Sorry about his butt.”
#@#@#@#@
Flo, Natasha, Brian, and Ray were loaded into the back of a prisoner transportation vehicle. Heavy plexiglas protected the driver from the passengers. Maimer Lucy started the vehicle and quickly drove off.
Natasha said, “She’s the bitch who broke my tailbone.”
“I knew you were going to say that,” said Flo.
#@#@#@#@
After the ride commenced, Ray loudly proclaimed, “I’m accessing a computer attached to this primitive land vehicle, but I’m only getting mundane information, like the speed of the vehicle.”
Brian said, “Ray, speak softly.”
After a pause, Ray said in a normal voice, “Again my audio volume was set to max. It’s like some unknown entity is turning up my audio volume.”
“Somebody is overdue for maintenance,” said Brian.
#@#@#@#@
Flo said, “This may sound strange, but the robot’s volume problem sounds familiar. I’ve been having volume problems with my portable music player, lately. Every time I turn it on, the volume is set to max and I never listen to it that loud.”
Natasha said, “Bruce’s truck had a similar volume problem. Every time he started his truck, the stereo turned on blasting full volume. He claimed he never listened to his music that loud, but he’s a head banger so I assumed he was just putting me on.”
“Does Bruce own a black king cab pickup?” asked Flo.
“Yes. How did you know?”
“It was the vehicle they used to transport mom during the kidnapping. I saw it in Taylor Valley. I was opening the driver door when somebody zapped me with a taser.”
“I’m sorry you got tased,” said Natasha.
“Does the truck’s stereo still have its volume problem?”
“Not since the kidnapping.”
“That’s when my volume problem started.”
“Try your music player now.”
After Flo tried her music player, she reported, “It came on with normal volume.”
Brian touched Ray and said, “Tag, you’re ‘it’.”
“In what context am I ‘it’?” asked Ray.
“Didn’t you ever play ‘tag’ when you were a tadpole robot, running around the factory with all your littermates?”
“Surely you jest, sir.”
“What do you know about the game of ‘tag’?”
“My database says ‘tag’ is a game played by many human children, where only one child is ‘it’ and all the other children try to avoid being ‘it’, while the child who is ‘it’ seeks to touch or ‘tag’ another child, thereby transferring the ‘it’ status to the tagged child.”
“Right,” said Brian. “What does that suggest to you?”
“It suggests you are using a childish human analogy to annoy me.”
“Ok, I’ll be more direct. Let’s assume there’s an entity I’ll call a ‘volume gnome’, which attaches itself to things and delights in turning up the audio volume of it’s host. Furthermore, let’s assume the volume gnome transferred from the truck’s stereo to the portable music player to you. Thus, you would be ‘it’ in the context that you’re currently the host of the volume gnome.”
“Very good, sir. I think I understand. You are saying that perhaps my volume problem would be solved if the volume gnome was persuaded he no longer wanted me to be ‘it’.”
#@#@#@#@
Lucy stopped near the entrance to an indoor shopping mall. She went around to the
passenger side and opened the rear door next to Brian.
Lucy pointed at Brian and said, “You and your loud robot get out.”
Brian and Ray got out. Lucy quickly shut the rear door again, thus continuing to confine Flo and Natasha.
Lucy smiled at Brian and said, “I’m Lucy.”
“I’m Brian and this is Ray.”
Tall Lucy squatted in front of Ray and said, “Hey Ray. You’re so cute!”
Ray excreted a stream of oil, hitting Lucy squarely between the eyes.
Lucy stood up straight and wiped off the oil with the back of a wrist.
Brian said, “Sorry. He gets edgy when he’s kidnapped.”
“No harm done,” said Lucy. “You guys are from off-planet. We have no beef with you. You guys can go.”
“Suppose I tried to rescue the girls,” said Brian.
Lucy produced a taser and said, “Then I tase your robot until his oil boils.”
#@#@#@#@
Lucy got in the car and quickly took off. Brian and Ray walked toward the mall.
“Coward,” said Ray.
“I couldn’t let her tase you,” said Brian.
“So, now I’m supposed to feel guilty you’re a coward?”
“Shut up.”
#@#@#@#@
Tropical Vacation bartender Mace used his nickname exclusively. In a drunken moment, he once admitted that ‘Mace’ was short for ‘Mason’, but nobody knew if Mason was his first or last name.
Maddox Maimer Randy was a muscular guy, with a large frame. Altogether, he was intimidating.
Randy plopped a bag of pot on the speakeasy bar and said, “You’re buying from me now.”
Mace picked up the bag and said, “Purple highlights, I like it already.”
“Try some,” urged Randy.
#@#@#@#@
When his call with Natasha went dead, Bruce activated a clan calling tree. A squad of Taylors massed near Tropical Vacation.
Bruce led a phalanx of Taylors through Tropical Vacation’s front entrance. They charged into the speakeasy bar.
The bar area was smoky. Mace and Randy were having a smoke-off and the contest was tied.
Mace waved a pot pipe and said, “Hey Bruce, you gotta try this Maimer purple pot, it’s killer!”
#@#@#@#@
The Taylors quickly searched the speakeasy. There were no other Maddox Maimers in Tropical Vacation.
Bruce went up to Randy and said, “Where’s Natasha?”
Randy said, “She’s our hostage, so you don’t harm me.”
“Can we trade you for her?” asked Bruce.
“Sure,” said Randy, “after Mace agrees to buy my pot.”
“The Taylor clan supplies Tropical Vacation, exclusively,” said Bruce.
“Not anymore,” said Randy.
Mace said, “I’ll buy your purple pot, but I’m also going buy from the Taylors.”
“Ok,” said Randy.
“This sucks,” said Bruce.
“It’s either this or no more girlfriend,” said Randy. “You do want sweet Natasha back in your arms, eh Bruce?”
Bruce paused, then said, “Ahhhh …”
“Yes, of course we want Natasha back,” said Mace. “What’s wrong with you Bruce?”
“Natasha hasn’t been so sweet lately,” said Bruce.
“That’s because you’re always moaning about your butt,” said Mace.
#@#@#@#@
In a mall restaurant, Ray said, “The assault on your human body continues. Your fatty rib meal is worse than inhaling carbonized flora.”
“I’m celebrating surviving the kidnapping,” said Brian.
“Gutless coward,” said Ray.
“What would you have me do?”
“Rescue the young female humans.”
“We don’t know where they are.”
“A coward will always find an excuse to be cowardly.”
Brian finished his last rib and guzzled his remaining beer. He burped, then said, “Ok, let’s be heroes.”
#@#@#@#@
Brian and Ray went to the mall gun shop. The door was locked.
“They’re closed,” said Brian.
Ray said, “Based on the hours etched on the window, they should be open.”
Ray examined the lock, then a plastic card popped out of a slot on Ray’s torso. Ray swiped the card thru the lock’s card reader and a green light illuminated. Ray turned a lever and pushed the gun shop door open.
“Not closed now,” said Ray.
Brian and Ray rushed inside. Brian closed the door and locked it from the inside.
#@#@#@#@
Ray went behind the counter and selected a couple of MAC-10’s. Holding up the deadly automatic weapons Ray said, “These should do the job.”
“If we wanted to kill Lucy like 30 times,” said Brian.
“Find me some 9 millimeter ammo,” said Ray.
Brian laid an open box of steel tipped 9 mil on the counter. Ray rapidly loaded the clips of both guns. Ray inserted a clip in each gun and worked each action to load the chambers.
Ray looped the slings of the guns over his head and across his upper torso. He looked like a Mexican bandito. Taking a gun in each hand, Ray practiced switching off the safety and aiming.
Brian donned an ammo vest. He quickly filled pockets with steel tipped 9 mil ammo, spare MAC-10 clips, and a hunting knife. Brian loaded a MAC-10 for himself and slipped the gun-sling over his neck.
“I feel guilty about taking this stuff,” said Brian.
“You stole a whole spaceship,” said Ray.
“There is that,” said Brian.
#@#@#@#@
Ray’s fraudulent card key opened the door behind the register. Gripping both guns, Ray led the way into the back room.
A woman tied to a chair yelled, “Quick! Some double-m guys are stealing guns out back!”
Ray ran down the corridor leading to the back. A man with a double-m tattoo came out of a storeroom and leveled a Glock. Ray felled the Maimer with a burst at thigh level.
As Ray passed the injured Maimer, Ray kicked the Maimer’s gun down the corridor. Ray continued down the corridor, towards the loading dock.
Outside, other Maimers were loading a truck. The noise of the gunfire got their attention. They saw Ray charging down the corridor holding two MAC-10’s.
The Maimers scrambled into the truck and the truck quickly took off. Ray charged into the loading dock, taking fire from the back of the retreating truck. Ray returned the fire.
Quickly, it was all over. The truck was gone and Ray’s guns were empty.
#@#@#@#@
Brian used the knife to free the woman. She said her name was Lila.
Brian and Lila walked down the storeroom corridor. A Maddox Maimer was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Both of the Maimer’s thighs were bleeding.
Brian fetched a nearby first-aid kit. Lila bandaged the Maimer’s wounds.
Ray walked back from the loading dock. Ray’s guns hung loose from their shoulder straps.
Brian said, “Ray, you wounded a Maddox Maimer.”
Silence.
Brian said, “Say something, Ray, anything. I’d even take a snarky insult right now, just talk to me.”
Lila said, “Save it. Your robot took a bullet in his audio speaker. He won’t be insulting you any time soon.”
Ray flashed a right-handed middle-finger salute.
“Ok, I was wrong about him not being able to insult you,” said Lila.
#@#@#@#@
Lila said, “I don’t know who you guys are or why you chanced to be here at this exact moment, but you better leave before I call an ambulance for this Maimer. If you want, I could send you to my cousin Nelson, he’s a whiz at electronics.”
Ray pointed at Lila and nodded affirmatively.
“Ok,” said Brian, “send us to Nelson.”
#@#@#@#@
The raiding Maddox Maimers left behind a car. Brian drove the Maimer’s car to Nelso
n’s workplace, following Lila’s directions. They parked in the rear parking lot of an electronics store.
Nelson was waiting. Nelson led Brian and Ray through the back entrance.
#@#@#@#@
To counteract the effects of the audio gnome, Ray was running a continual loop program to reset his parameters every second. For awhile, the audio gnome gamely tried to set Ray’s parameters back to max, but the audio gnome only had so much energy and the gnome was battling a foe with a limitless power source. Ray was winning by merely stalemating the audio gnome.
The bullet to Ray’s speaker was the last straw for the audio gnome. Ray couldn’t speak, so it was pointless to turn up Ray’s audio volume.
The gnome realized Ray was probably going to get a new speaker, but that wouldn’t change the audio volume stalemate. The gnome was too weak to continue the volume battle.
When Nelson soldered on Ray’s new speaker, the gnome transferred to an audio amplifier Nelson was readying for a showroom display. In the days to come, the audio gnome would have much fun at Nelson’s expense.
#@#@#@#@
The booty from the gun store heist didn’t fill up the truck. The Maddox Maimers decided there was plenty of room for some larcenously obtained big screen TVs.
#@#@#@#@
Nelson, Brian, and Ray were in the parking lot behind the electronics store. Nelson and Brian were inside the confiscated Maimer car. Nelson was showing Brian how to work the car’s navigation system.
Ray was outside, loading MAC-10 magazines with steel tipped bullets. Ray observed the Maimer truck approach.
Too late, a Maimer yelled, “There’s that maniac robot!”
Ray poured the fire of his two MAC-10’s into the truck’s engine block. The truck shuddered to a halt. The Maddox Maimers bailed and scattered.
#@#@#@#@
Ray, Brian, and Nelson looked into the back of the truck. It was half full of boxes stamped ‘Yellowtown Gun Shop’.
Nelson phoned cousin Lila, telling her to come over and pick up her stolen inventory.
#@#@#@#@