Liv was immediately struck by the irony of the situation. The thing she most needed right now was time with her family. That would surely help relieve her stress. But because she was so stressed out, she couldn't travel. One vicious circle. No, make that a Ferris wheel. Just how in the world was she supposed to come off the merry-go-round of life in one piece?
As she made her way back home after the doctor's appointment, Liv sent one short prayer--over and over again--to the throne room of grace. God help me. You're the only One who can.
* * *
"How are you doing?"
Liv sighed. She didn't want her mother to worry, but still it helped to have someone who understood. And she desperately needed that at the moment. "I'm hanging in there. Some days are obviously better than others, but overall it's been a rough week so far."
"How's your friend?"
An acute ache for Debbie lodged in her heart. "Not good. I tried reaching out to her, but when I mentioned God she got very upset and asked me to leave."
"I'm so sorry, Liv. Guess I should've also told you that people don't always respond well to our offer for help, especially when we bring God into the equation." Her mother's heavy sigh sounded through the phone. "A trend that seems to be growing worse by the day. But I'd encourage you to try to keep both the lines of communication and your offer of help open."
Liv nodded. Hadn't she sensed in her quiet time with the Lord that morning that was exactly what He wanted her to do? "I'd already planned on calling her later today."
"But don't get upset with her if she doesn't respond the way you expect. Any sort of relationship takes two willing parties."
Another nugget of wisdom to add to her arsenal. Should she mention that two men from Jeff's unit were MIA? And that she'd had no contact with Jeff in several days?
"Are you and Ches still coming for Christmas?"
Liv paused to consider the question. It all depended on how her pregnancy progressed, news she still hadn't shared with anyone else. "We'll wait and see, Mom. I want to, but I just don't know at this point." Just to speak the words aloud weighed heavy on her heart. And she wasn't ready to divulge the pregnancy to her mother yet, in the off chance that she was able to bring her stress under control and make the drive to Colorado for Christmas.
"Well if you decide you can't swing it, be sure you give me plenty of notice to get Chesney's gift to her."
"I will. What did you get her?"
"I found the cutest pattern for a Santa dress. I picked up some red velvet and white faux fur earlier this week. I'm going to make them for all the granddaughters. But I'd like to put some sort of decoration on the bottom of the skirt that is special to each one. Any ideas for Chesney?"
Liv thought for a moment, and then shook her head. "None that hit me right off the bat, but I'll think on it some more and let you know what I come up with."
After the conversation ended, Liv hurried to the preschool to pick up Chesney. Glorious and sunny, the Friday begged for an outdoor outing. A fact that she'd prepared for in advance, as evidenced by the stale half loaf of bread in the passenger's seat. Once Chesney was securely buckled in, Liv made her way to a nearby park for a special treat for her daughter.
"Mom, where are we going?"
"I thought you might enjoy feeding the ducks and swans at the park." And it might just work wonders for her own disposition as well. At this point--with Christmas growing ever closer and her stress mounting--she was willing to try just about anything.
A happy sigh sounded from the back seat. "I love the swans. They're my favorites."
"Why are they your favorites?"
"Because it's like the story Miss Cindy read to us at school about an ugly duckling. He was upset because he didn't look like the other ducklings. He thought something was wrong with him while everyone else was perfect. It turned out that he wasn't a duck at all, but a beautiful swan, and when he grew up, he was prettier than all the ducks."
Forever on the lookout for teachable moments, Liv uttered the question that had flown into her heart. "And what lesson does that teach us?"
"That we can't make up our mind about someone by seeing them from the outside. Miss Cindy said that God doesn't look at our outsides, but our hearts."
The perfectly-summarized moral to the story that sounded from the backseat had an unexpected impact, and Liv momentarily battled tears. Her baby girl was growing up way too quickly. But in spite of that fact, her heart had been lightened by the child-like reminder to not get caught up in the externals of life. Appearances--even the potential for danger for Jeff--could indeed be deceiving.
A few minutes later they arrived at the park and stepped to the water's edge. Liv handed slices of bread to her daughter and looked on as she happily fed them to the ducks and swans. Her mother's question about what to put on Chesney's Santa dress flew to Liv's thoughts. Now she knew exactly how to answer. She made a mental note to call her mother later that night with the suggestion of swans.
Several hours later, after bath time, Liv once more positioned her back against the headboard of Chesney's bed while her daughter donned her pajamas. Without warning, the memory of her and Jeff sharing the story of Adam and Eve with Chesney trounced into her heart, bringing with it an inexpressible sadness. What she wouldn't give to have Jeff there to snuggle with and to share this special time.
Liv closed her eyes as the familiar picture of Jeff walking in the front door after work came to mind. She could see him and smell him and hear his special greeting of endearment. "Hi, Liv-love." Could feel the soft touch of his lips against her hair. Her eyes stung with tears while a sad smile broke out on her face at just the remembrance of Jeff's voice.
"Mommy, are you okay?" Chesney straddled Liv's knees and placed a palm on both sides of her face.
"Yeah, baby, I'm okay. Just tired."
Mock consternation flooded her daughter's overly-dramatic face. "Did you take a nap today?"
Liv laughed. Always the little mother. "No, but I'll try to remember to do that next time."
Chesney crawled over to her pillow and snuggled under the covers. "Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"How come Daddy hasn't called?"
Her heart landed in her throat, and she did all she could to keep her tone on an even keel. "I'm sure he's just really busy, Ches. You know that's how it is sometimes."
"I know. I was just wondering." Chesney's face took on a faraway look, but then just as quickly returned to normal. "What's the next part of the big story? Does the Fixer finally come?"
Liv shook her head. "Not yet. Believe it or not, the people kept messing up, their lives broken in pieces, sort of like Humpty Dumpty, while they waited for the Fixer to get there."
Chesney frowned. "Why is it so hard to wait for something good?"
The question set off another wave of longing inside Liv. Lord, please bring Jeff home safely. We're so tired of waiting and not knowing if he's okay. A prayer she'd prayed at least a thousand times.
The same plaintive longing resonated in Chesney's voice. "You know, like waiting for Christmas and for Daddy to come home."
Liv fought back tears, and beside her, she heard Chesney sniffling. She pulled her daughter into her lap and hugged her tight. "It is hard to wait, but God is with us." The words came out croaky, but at least they came out.
Chesney wiped her eyes and peered up at Liv. "Can you please start the story so I won't be sad any more?
Liv nodded and quickly opened her Bible. Even Chesney knew that focus on God made all the difference. "Sure. Do you remember what we talked about last time?"
Her daughter pulled her lips between her teeth, slanted her eyes to the upper left, and placed an index finger on her chin. "Mmmm, Moses and the ten rules?"
"Good, Chesney. You got it. Ready to learn what happens next?"
Chesney nodded.
"The people wanted to be like the nations around them. Have you ever wanted something that someone else had?"
Chesney tho
ught a moment. "Yeah. Remember when I told you and Daddy about it before he left?"
Liv shook her head. No recollection at all.
Her daughter sent her a reprimanding look. "Think harder, Mommy. A.J. told me that he was getting a kid Jeep for Christmas, you know, the kind that really works 'cause it has a battery, and I told you and Daddy that I wanted one of those, too. Now do you remember?" Chubby hands landed against the bed covers to reveal Chesney's agitation.
A laugh gurgled out of Liv. "Okay, now I remember."
"Can I get one?"
"I guess we'll have to wait and see, won't we? Let's get back to the story. Just like you, the Hebrew people wanted what the nations around them had. But because of that, they wandered further and further away from God and His law. Then they would get in trouble and cry out to God, and He'd send someone to deliver them. It happened over and over again."
Chesney shook her head from side to side, and released a dramatic sigh. "Still broken."
"Yes." So typical for them and her and all people everywhere. "After that they wanted a king like the nations around them."
"Was that a good thing?"
She shook her head from side to side. "No, because God wanted to be their king. But He gave them what they wanted."
"Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, sweetheart."
"How could the Fixer God promised come from such messed-up people? Wouldn't He be messed up too?"
"You would think so, wouldn't you?"
Chesney nodded, but didn't answer.
"Guess that's another case of we'll have to wait and see." She tousled Chesney's still damp hair. "Let's say our prayers and turn off the lights."
"Okay."
"You want to pray, or do you want me to?"
"I'll do it." Chesney jumped down and knelt beside the bed. Liv joined her. "Dear God, we're so sorry for messing up all the time. Thank you for sending the Fixer. Please help us get to that part of the big story soon and bring Daddy home safely 'cause I'm tired of waiting. We love you. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Liv once more bit back tears as she tucked her daughter in and kissed her forehead. That made two people who were tired of waiting.
"Goodnight, Mommy. I love you."
"And I love you, Chesney. Sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite."
"That's a really mean thing to say to a little kid, you know."
There was no containing her laughter. Liv giggled and smiled down at her daughter. "Guess I messed up again."
Chesney sighed dramatically. "We're all just messed-up people."
Liv laughed and stepped from the room. Just as she pulled the door closed, a feeling like none other came over her--a feeling that Jeff was safe and well and would come home to them soon. While part of her was afraid to trust the feeling, another part of her tingled with an unexpected thrill of hope. God, let it be in time for Christmas. Please. She'd even give up her white Christmas dreams to have him back home with her and Chesney.
Chapter Eleven
Sunday afternoon after church, Liv made the drive to Debbie's house to check on her. Though she'd tried to call her friend all week, every phone call went to Debbie's voice mail, which either meant that her friend was intentionally not answering or that something was very, very wrong.
As she pulled up outside Debbie's house, she noticed her friend's red Corvette in the driveway. So her instincts had been right. Debbie was ignoring her. Liv released a cleansing breath and tried to still her nerves. God, Debbie doesn't want to see me. Show me how I can help her. Give me the words to say to get through to her.
Liv's thoughts returned to her morning at church. Though she didn't care to admit it, her first motivation for going to church had been a sort of bargaining chip with God. After all, wasn't it logical to assume that if she tried to do things His way, He would return the favor? But both the Life Group session and the worship service had brought conviction to her heart, and she'd quickly brought it to God. It had been very uncomfortable to once more confess her failure and to try to connect with friends after so many weeks away, but by the time church was over, Liv felt better and more at peace than she had in a long time. Now if she could just lead Debbie to that peace. To the Prince of Peace.
Steely resolve moved her down the sidewalk, up the steps, and to the front door. She punched the door bell, and once more tried to settle her nerves with a deep breath.
The door swung open. Debbie's expression held no welcome. In fact, there was nothing about Debbie's appearance that even resembled the old Debbie. No smile, no polished image. Just an empty shell.
Knife-like pain seared through Liv's chest, but she somehow managed a shaky smile. "Hi, Debbie. Can I come in?"
"Depends on what you're here for." The words were short and curt.
Liv swallowed. She hadn't prepared enough for the open hostility her friend unleashed in an acidic tone. "I just wanted to see how you're doing and see if there's anything I can do for you."
"As you can see, I'm doing fine. And no, I don't need anything." Without another word, she slammed the door shut in Liv's face for the second time.
Later that day, after a quick lunch with Darcy and her kids, Liv and Chesney returned home where they both succumbed to a nap. Two hours later Chesney awoke and wandered into the living room to snuggle into Liv's lap. "Mommy, can I play in the back yard?"
"Sure, sweetie. Just be sure to stay there." Liv brushed damp hair away from her daughter's forehead. "Want something to drink first?"
Chesney shook her head, and quickly exited the sliding glass doors that led to the back.
Liv forced herself to a standing position and switched off the television. Now that Chesney was awake, she could clean the oven without fear of waking her daughter.
A half hour later, she finished the job and shut the oven door, suddenly aware that Chesney hadn't once re-entered the house for a drink or to get a toy or to go to the bathroom. The thought hurried Liv's feet to the back door.
"Chesney!" Liv yelled her daughter's name into the backyard and scanned the shrubbery near the fence to see if her little girl appeared from her impromptu game of "Scare Your Mother To Death." But Chesney didn't appear. She stepped out the door and into the yard, still calling her daughter's name. Nothing.
Panic dried her mouth and quickened her pulse. Liv rushed back through the house and out into the front yard. She quickly looked around the neighborhood, but no sign of her daughter. "Chesney!" Her voice took on an edge of the hysteria she felt.
At just that moment, a small head covered with wavy red curls popped up from behind a car in the driveway next door, followed by a blond head that belonged to Chesney's friend, A.J. "I'm over here at A.J.'s house, Mommy."
In an attempt to slow her racing heart, Liv drew in a shaky breath. She hurried to where her daughter stood, battling to keep her emotions in check. "Chesney, tell A.J. 'good-bye,' and get inside our house right this minute." She couldn't help the hard edge to her voice.
A few minutes later, back inside the house, Chesney stood, peering up at her mother with huge crocodile tears pooling in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't hear you tell me to stay in the back yard."
Liv mentally counted to ten to control her anger, then bent down low, a hand on her daughter's shoulders. "That's because you didn't listen, Chesney. When I told you to stay in the back yard, you were already thinking about what you wanted to do instead of listening to what I said. Mommy was very scared that something bad might have happened to you."
Chesney cocked her head to one side, suddenly curious. "Did the same thing happen to any of the broken people in the story?"
A tender smile splayed itself on Liv's face. "Yes." Her head slanted to one side as she looked at her young daughter. "Tell you what. Why don't you and I make a big batch of chocolate chip cookies while I tell you the next part of the story."
Chesney's face brightened. "That's a great idea."
Liv tweaked her nose. "But...you are still going t
o be punished for not listening or minding me."
Just as quickly, her daughter's face darkened. "I said I was sorry, and I won't do it again."
"I know, but I want to make sure you learn this lesson. At least for a while, there'll be no playing outside unless I'm out there with you."
Though Chesney's expression momentarily registered a rebellious look, to her credit, she didn't object, but instead headed into the kitchen. "Okay. So what happens next in the story?"
Liv moved to the cabinets to get the ingredients for the cookies. "Well, God sent some very special messengers, called prophets, to the people. Not only to tell them to do the right thing, but also to give them more promises about the Fixer."
"Like what?"
"One of the promises said they could expect the Fixer to be the Prince of Peace."
"There's that word 'peace' again. Now what did you tell me it meant?" Chesney landed her forehead against her palm, and then looked up with excitement as realization dawned. "I know. It means being complete and whole, instead of broken."
A huge smile broke out on Liv's face. Her daughter was putting the special pieces of this story in all the right places. "Very good, Ches. And God gave them even more promises than that."
Chesney's eyes took on wary caution. "They didn't listen, did they?"
Liv shook her head. "No, they didn't. Just like you, they were more concerned about what they wanted to do than listening to God." The kitchen grew quiet as the two measured and mixed, Liv's thoughts on her own broken heart and life. How many times had she not listened to her heavenly Father because of her desire and tendency to go her own way?
"Mommy?"
"What is it, sweetie?"
"Why don't we all do what God wants us to do?"
Liv searched for the right answer, still examining her own heart. "Sometimes people refuse to see that they're broken. And the snake does all he can to keep us from seeing it, because he doesn't want us to know we're broken."
"That mean old snake. Why doesn't he want us to know we're broken?"
The answer came quickly to her heart. "Because if people can't see their brokenness, they don't know that they need a Fixer. And if they don't need a Fixer, they don't need God." The perfect explanation for Debbie's reaction to faith in Christ. Her friend didn't see herself as in need of being fixed. So why would she need God?