A GERM DESTROYER.
Pleasant it is for the Little Tin Gods, When great Jove nods; But Little Tin Gods make their little mistakes In missing the hour when great Jove wakes.
As a general rule, it is inexpedient to meddle with questions of Statein a land where men are highly paid to work them out for you. This taleis a justifiable exception.
Once in every five years, as you know, we indent for a new Viceroy; andeach Viceroy imports, with the rest of his baggage, a Private Secretary,who may or may not be the real Viceroy, just as Fate ordains. Fate looksafter the Indian Empire because it is so big and so helpless.
There was a Viceroy once, who brought out with him a turbulent PrivateSecretary--a hard man with a soft manner and a morbid passion forwork. This Secretary was called Wonder--John Fennil Wonder. The Viceroypossessed no name--nothing but a string of counties and two-thirdsof the alphabet after them. He said, in confidence, that he was theelectro-plated figurehead of a golden administration, and he watchedin a dreamy, amused way Wonder's attempts to draw matters which wereentirely outside his province into his own hands. "When we are allcherubims together," said His Excellency once, "my dear, good friendWonder will head the conspiracy for plucking out Gabriel's tail-feathersor stealing Peter's keys. THEN I shall report him."
But, though the Viceroy did nothing to check Wonder's officiousness,other people said unpleasant things. Maybe the Members of Council beganit; but, finally, all Simla agreed that there was "too much Wonder,and too little Viceroy," in that regime. Wonder was always quoting "HisExcellency." It was "His Excellency this," "His Excellency that," "Inthe opinion of His Excellency," and so on. The Viceroy smiled; but hedid not heed. He said that, so long as his old men squabbled with his"dear, good Wonder," they might be induced to leave the "ImmemorialEast" in peace.
"No wise man has a policy," said the Viceroy. "A Policy is the blackmaillevied on the Fool by the Unforeseen. I am not the former, and I do notbelieve in the latter."
I do not quite see what this means, unless it refers to an InsurancePolicy. Perhaps it was the Viceroy's way of saying:--"Lie low."
That season, came up to Simla one of these crazy people with only asingle idea. These are the men who make things move; but they are notnice to talk to. This man's name was Mellish, and he had lived forfifteen years on land of his own, in Lower Bengal, studying cholera. Heheld that cholera was a germ that propagated itself as it flew through amuggy atmosphere; and stuck in the branches of trees like a wool-flake.The germ could be rendered sterile, he said, by "Mellish's OwnInvincible Fumigatory"--a heavy violet-black powder--"the result offifteen years' scientific investigation, Sir!"
Inventors seem very much alike as a caste. They talk loudly, especiallyabout "conspiracies of monopolists;" they beat upon the table withtheir fists; and they secrete fragments of their inventions about theirpersons.
Mellish said that there was a Medical "Ring" at Simla, headed by theSurgeon-General, who was in league, apparently, with all the HospitalAssistants in the Empire. I forget exactly how he proved it, but it hadsomething to do with "skulking up to the Hills;" and what Mellishwanted was the independent evidence of the Viceroy--"Steward of ourMost Gracious Majesty the Queen, Sir." So Mellish went up to Simla, witheighty-four pounds of Fumigatory in his trunk, to speak to the Viceroyand to show him the merits of the invention.
But it is easier to see a Viceroy than to talk to him, unless you chanceto be as important as Mellishe of Madras. He was a six-thousand-rupeeman, so great that his daughters never "married." They "contractedalliances." He himself was not paid. He "received emoluments," and hisjourneys about the country were "tours of observation." His business wasto stir up the people in Madras with a long pole--as you stir up stenchin a pond--and the people had to come up out of their comfortable oldways and gasp:--"This is Enlightenment and progress. Isn't it fine!"Then they gave Mellishe statues and jasmine garlands, in the hope ofgetting rid of him.
Mellishe came up to Simla "to confer with the Viceroy." That was one ofhis perquisites. The Viceroy knew nothing of Mellishe except that he was"one of those middle-class deities who seem necessary to the spiritualcomfort of this Paradise of the Middle-classes," and that, in allprobability, he had "suggested, designed, founded, and endowed all thepublic institutions in Madras." Which proves that His Excellency, thoughdreamy, had experience of the ways of six-thousand-rupee men.
Mellishe's name was E. Mellishe and Mellish's was E. S. Mellish, andthey were both staying at the same hotel, and the Fate that looks afterthe Indian Empire ordained that Wonder should blunder and drop the final"e;" that the Chaprassi should help him, and that the note which ran:"Dear Mr. Mellish.--Can you set aside your other engagements and lunchwith us at two to-morrow? His Excellency has an hour at your disposalthen," should be given to Mellish with the Fumigatory. He nearly weptwith pride and delight, and at the appointed hour cantered off toPeterhoff, a big paper-bag full of the Fumigatory in his coat-tailpockets. He had his chance, and he meant to make the most ofit. Mellishe of Madras had been so portentously solemn about his"conference," that Wonder had arranged for a private tiffin--no A.-D.C.'s, no Wonder, no one but the Viceroy, who said plaintively that hefeared being left alone with unmuzzled autocrats like the great Mellisheof Madras.
But his guest did not bore the Viceroy. On the contrary, he amused him.Mellish was nervously anxious to go straight to his Fumigatory, andtalked at random until tiffin was over and His Excellency asked himto smoke. The Viceroy was pleased with Mellish because he did not talk"shop."
As soon as the cheroots were lit, Mellish spoke like a man; beginningwith his cholera-theory, reviewing his fifteen years' "scientificlabors," the machinations of the "Simla Ring," and the excellence ofhis Fumigatory, while the Viceroy watched him between half-shut eyesand thought: "Evidently, this is the wrong tiger; but it is an originalanimal." Mellish's hair was standing on end with excitement, and hestammered. He began groping in his coat-tails and, before the Viceroyknew what was about to happen, he had tipped a bagful of his powder intothe big silver ash-tray.
"J-j-judge for yourself, Sir," said Mellish. "Y' Excellency shall judgefor yourself! Absolutely infallible, on my honor."
He plunged the lighted end of his cigar into the powder, which began tosmoke like a volcano, and send up fat, greasy wreaths of copper-coloredsmoke. In five seconds the room was filled with a most pungent andsickening stench--a reek that took fierce hold of the trap of yourwindpipe and shut it. The powder then hissed and fizzed, and sent outblue and green sparks, and the smoke rose till you could neither see,nor breathe, nor gasp. Mellish, however, was used to it.
"Nitrate of strontia," he shouted; "baryta, bone-meal, etcetera!Thousand cubic feet smoke per cubic inch. Not a germ could live--not agerm, Y' Excellency!"
But His Excellency had fled, and was coughing at the foot of the stairs,while all Peterhoff hummed like a hive. Red Lancers came in, and theHead Chaprassi, who speaks English, came in, and mace-bearers came in,and ladies ran downstairs screaming "fire;" for the smoke was driftingthrough the house and oozing out of the windows, and bellying along theverandahs, and wreathing and writhing across the gardens. No one couldenter the room where Mellish was lecturing on his Fumigatory, till thatunspeakable powder had burned itself out.
Then an Aide-de-Camp, who desired the V. C., rushed through the rollingclouds and hauled Mellish into the hall. The Viceroy was prostrate withlaughter, and could only waggle his hands feebly at Mellish, who wasshaking a fresh bagful of powder at him.
"Glorious! Glorious!" sobbed his Excellency. "Not a germ, as you justlyobserve, could exist! I can swear it. A magnificent success!"
Then he laughed till the tears came, and Wonder, who had caught the realMellishe snorting on the Mall, entered and was deeply shocked at thescene. But the Viceroy was delighted, because he saw that Wonder wouldpresently depart. Mellish with the Fumigatory was also pleased, for hefelt that he had smashed the Simla Medical "Ring."
. . . . .
. . . .
Few men could tell a story like His Excellency when he took the trouble,and the account of "my dear, good Wonder's friend with the powder"went the round of Simla, and flippant folk made Wonder unhappy by theirremarks.
But His Excellency told the tale once too often--for Wonder. As he meantto do. It was at a Seepee Picnic. Wonder was sitting just behind theViceroy.
"And I really thought for a moment," wound up His Excellency, "that mydear, good Wonder had hired an assassin to clear his way to the throne!"
Every one laughed; but there was a delicate subtinkle in the Viceroy'stone which Wonder understood. He found that his health was giving way;and the Viceroy allowed him to go, and presented him with a flaming"character" for use at Home among big people.
"My fault entirely," said His Excellency, in after seasons, witha twinkling in his eye. "My inconsistency must always have beendistasteful to such a masterly man."
KIDNAPPED.
There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which, taken any way you please, is bad, And strands them in forsaken guts and creeks No decent soul would think of visiting. You cannot stop the tide; but now and then, You may arrest some rash adventurer Who--h'm--will hardly thank you for your pains.
Vibart's Moralities.