Page 42
Author: Lisa De Jong
All my plans and intentions ended when he raised a hand to stop me from coming any closer. “Don’t. Just go! And Alex, you always have a choice. You just made yours. ” There are no words for how much I hurt hearing him say this. It was like breaking up for a second time. How did I get to this point? I turned and ran down the hall to the steps, not stopping until I was outside. I needed to get home. I was about to break and I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to put me back together. How could I have done this to the both of us…again.
The day I met Dane Wright, I fell hard into a bottomless pit. He was the only one who could help me out but now I was left with nobody to hear me scream.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I’ve always heard drug addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can get better. What happens to someone who hits rock bottom after breaking up with the love of their life? There was no rehab for a broken heart; it was up to me to make things better. The way I saw it, I had three choices – I could live a lonely life, I could find someone else or I could stop all this nonsense and be with Dane.
I couldn’t stomach being with anyone other than Dane. The thought of it made me sick. When I closed my eyes, I always saw Dane. I could still hear him telling me that I always have a choice and the feel of his hands on my body. No one else could make me feel the way he did and if my incident with Mason taught me anything, it was that I wasn’t ready. Dane couldn’t be replaced when he still owned me.
I lived alone before Dane and since I’d lost him, I’d been more miserable than I ever thought possible. There was a hole in my heart that only he could fill; it would be there forever. I always thought the concept of soul mates was cliché, but I believed it now. If I were to lay it out on paper, we wouldn’t seem like the ideal match, but he completed me. I could never regret the time I spent with him. He opened my eyes to so many new experiences. He taught me what love was and how to listen to my heart. I would always look back at the decision I made on the ride home from Greenwich and wish my heart had been louder than my head. Life was a series of lessons that lead you to future decisions. I will never make a decision like that again without listening to my heart. Everything I do affects everything I am; I see that now.
As much as I would like to run back into Dane’s arms, I couldn’t. I had done too much, caused too much hurt. I would be surprised if he could even look at me anymore. For the past few weeks, I couldn’t bare to even look at myself. I was slowly starting to forgive myself, but I was not in the position to ask him to do the same; he would always be the one who got away.
So where did that leave me? It was time to figure out who Alex was when all the noise was stripped away. For the first time in my life, I was going to guide my own life and follow my heart. Dane once told me I have to take all of life’s lessons and use them to create my own path; he was right. I didn’t realize it before all the air drained from my lungs but now it was time to catch my breath.
I started to attend all my classes again. I spent my afternoons in the Art Room, completing painting after painting until my heart didn’t feel so shallow anymore. They started out angry and dark, but had shifted over the past few days to something a little brighter. I was gaining more strength than I ever had in the past; control was a powerful, peaceful thing.
Spring break started yesterday. I hadn’t planned on going home, but I was on my way there now. There was something I needed to take care of; something I should have done a long time ago. My parents were leaving for their trip tomorrow and I couldn’t let them go without talking to them first. There were so many things I had left unsaid and they couldn’t remain that way if I was going to move forward. I finally knew what I needed to do.
My hands gripped the steering wheel tight as I pulled into the driveway. I knew this could very well be the last time I would ever be able to come here as a welcome guest. There was a time when the thought of not being welcome in my own house would have punched me in the stomach, but I knew now it wouldn’t be the worst pain I ever felt. Nothing could compare to the pain of losing Dane. Nothing.
I parked my car and stared at the front door for a few minutes. I stayed up half the night thinking of all the things I wanted to say. Nineteen years of memories lived in that house and most weren’t worth holding onto. I wanted the remaining moments of my life to be mine. I had too much life in front of me to shy away from change. It was time to lay it out there and move on.
I stepped out of the car and let my wobbly knees carry me forward. I heard Jade’s words from this morning in my head, “When you let your heart carry you through life, you’re never alone”, and it propelled me forward.
As soon as I closed the front door, I heard her heels on the marble. I took a deep cleansing breath and closed my eyes as I listened. Click. Click. Click. I used to tremble every time I heard that noise, but I wouldn’t allow that sound to affect me anymore. I wouldn’t let her dictate my life or my feelings. My mother has never been a listener. Of course, if I told her I was dating a Kennedy or a dashing young doctor, or that I had been accepted into Harvard medical school, her ears would perk up. If it wasn’t something she could repeat at the country club, she didn’t want to hear it. Today that was all going to change; she was going to listen to my pain.
Her face showed shock as she came into view. “Alexandra, what are you doing here? I didn’t think you were coming home. ”
“I just stopped by to talk to you and Dad for a minute. Is he home?” I kept my eyes on her and my voice held steady to my own surprise. My nerves were off the charts, but I wasn’t going to let her see that.
She eyed me up and down. I never asked to speak to them. I avoided it. “He’s in his study. Follow me,” she said in her usual cold, detached voice. I propelled myself forward, taking many deep breaths as we walked down the hall. Click. Click. Click.
I replayed everything in my mind one more time so I wouldn’t lose my nerve to continue. The study was a reminder of why I was here. It angered me to be in here as everything from the last time played in my mind again. It gave me the push I needed.
I didn’t waste any time. “I came here to tell you I’m changing my major to Art after this semester. I don’t want to be a doctor and I’m done pretending. ” I looked over at my mother whose mouth hung wide open. She quickly composed herself and looked at my father who had actually looked up from the paper. His eyes seared into me, but I didn’t look away. I wasn’t backing down this time.
My mother spoke first. “You will not do such a thing. We will not pay for you to take a bunch of art classes for the next three years. You’re better than that. You’re a Riley. ” By the look on her face, she thought she’d won. I wasn’t going to let her win this one.
“I don’t care if you pay for it or not. I already applied for student loans,” I said, raising my voice higher than I had ever allowed myself in front of my parents. There was an audible gasp from where my mother sat. Score one for Alex. “I’m a Riley by blood, but I will never be like you. I’m better than that. ”
The room was silent for a few minutes. I considered leaving but I had a few more things to say. “And from now on, I will love who I want to love. Dane was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was more than a name. He was my everything. ” My voice was angry as I leaned forward in my chair. They were going to listen to me.
My father removed his glasses and threw them on his desk. “Alexandra, we’re your parents and we have every right to guide you. Where is this coming from? Did that boy put you up to this?” he said, his voice shaking with anger. I smiled; he was still looking at me. This was the longest he had looked at me for years.
“You’re not guiding me. You never did. You had a plan for me and I was expected to follow it, whether I wanted to or not. That’s not guiding. I didn’t know what I was missing until I met Dane and I can’t go back to life before him. I may have ruined any chance with him when I let your voic
es get into my head, but the lessons he taught me will always be with me. ”
“You’re not the daughter who left here seven months ago,” my mother began before I cut her off.
“I am the daughter who left here seven months ago. I was just buried inside myself, but not anymore. I won’t let you bring me down anymore. ” The shock on her face made me smile inside. I already wasted so much time on them and their ideals. I was in the midst of the best years of my life and there was no time like the present to take the reins back.
“If you’re going to defy us, you can hand over your credit cards and leave your car here. I will not continue to fund this nonsense,” my father said, standing from his chair with his palms resting on the desk. His shoulders were tense and I could see the veins in his neck. For the first time since I entered this room, the consequences of my actions were said aloud. My parents didn’t want the real me, they never had. It took me a minute to recover from the realness of the situation before my strength propelled me.
I pulled the keys out of my pocket and put them on his desk before taking the credit cards out of my purse, throwing them in his direction. “Happiness is more important than money. Maybe someday you guys will realize that. ” My mother sat there speechless, her mouth hanging open. I wanted her to say something. A part of me wanted to hear distress in her voice because I know she had heard it in mine many times before. She wasn’t about to give me that satisfaction.
“Here’s twenty dollars for a cab back into the city. I suggest you find somewhere else to stay over the summer because you’re not welcome here,” my father said, reaching into his wallet and throwing cash on his desk. I panicked briefly; I had nowhere to stay over the summer.
I composed myself and stood up, leaving his cash on the desk. I took one more look at my mother who was in stunned silence for the first time ever and then to my father who was a deep shade of red and walked toward the door. “I don’t need your money. Have a nice trip,” I said as I turned the knob and left the study, walked down the hall and out the front door for the last time. I was on my own now. For the first time I stood up to my parents and didn’t back down.