Page 43
Author: Lisa De Jong
There was a bounce in my step as I walked down the drive. I felt freer than I had in years, like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. Fear had dictated what I’d done for so long, but I wouldn’t welcome it any longer. There was confidence in faith that can override fear and trepidation. The key was finding that faith and holding on to it when doubt tried to work its way in. I needed to tell myself that every day.
I took one last look around the neighborhood I had grown up in. Each house took up the equivalent of two city blocks, each with a gate and a long, distinguished driveway. The lawns were well manicured and the landscaping was beautifully maintained. I hated everything this neighborhood reminded me of and the memories it held. I didn’t care to ever come back.
I sat on the curb and searched for a number to call a cab. I still had my phone, but it would only be a matter of time before they wanted that back to. I made a mental note to purchase my own and mail this one back before they had the opportunity to ask.
“Hey, what are you doing sitting out here?” I turned around to see Ryan standing behind me. He had his hands on his h*ps as he stood there wearing grey sweatpants and a Stanford sweatshirt, drenched in sweat. His usually perfect hair was going in all directions and sweat ran down his forehead.
“Long story. What are you doing here?” I asked. I was genuinely surprised to see him. I hadn’t expected him to come home for spring break.
“It’s spring break. I just got back from a run. ” he replied, smirking down at me. “So, what’s the long story? I have time. ”
I eyed him for a minute, trying to decide how much I should tell him. He was once one of my best friends and I wanted to be close to him again. “My parents kicked me out. I told them I was changing from Pre-Med to Art and they cut me off. ” Saying those words would have once made me panic, but they didn’t now. I’d never had a job or a bill to pay in my life and that was all about to change. I was finally ready to grow up.
He didn’t say anything for a minute. “I always thought art suited you more than medicine,” he whispered, surprising me.
“What?” I asked, scrunching my eyebrows together and looking to the side.
“Art suits you. You’re not like them, you know. ” Why was he telling me this now? I’d known him for years and thought no one had seen me. But he had. He had seen me the whole time.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugged. “I guess we were both going along with the act. I’ve had a lot of time to think since January and I guess I understand you better now. ”
“I wish we had this conversation a long time ago. It’s been a rough month. ”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, I left Dane because my parents wanted me to. I let them get into my head and I’m going to pay for it for the rest of my life,” I said, holding my head in my hands. It was amazing how much one decision could affect the rest of your life.
“Why does it have to be the rest of your life? I know you have some fight in you. ” I pondered his response. Could I fight for Dane? Did I even have a chance?
“I did some really terrible things. I don’t think he can ever forgive me,” I said, feeling the thickness in my throat.
“Do you realize how special you are? I know it’s not something you’re used to hearing. But Alex, you’re worth it. I wish I had fought harder for you, but I realize now that you weren’t mine to fight for. ” He sat down next to me and ran his hands through his wet hair.
For the first time in a long time, I felt hope. If Ryan thought I had a chance, maybe I did. But if Dane rejected me, I didn’t know if I could take any more pain after what had transpired the last few months. A part of me didn’t think I deserved him.
“That means a lot to me, Ryan. ” I wrapped my arms around him. “I hope you find someone who appreciates how great you are. ”
He let out a short laugh. “Me too. You want a ride back to school? I have nothing better to do. ” He said with a wink.
“Are you sure?” I asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, my mom will put me to work if I go back into that house. ” Ryan’s mom was notorious for putting him to work in the yard.
“Okay. ”
We hopped into Ryan’s Jeep and started into the city. It was like old times, before we had started dating. He was really enjoying Stanford and there was a change in him. He seemed freer and more at peace. In many ways, I think the fact that we were so much alike that meant that we would never work together. We both had some issues brought on by our parents and equally draining self-imposed ones. Staying together would have been a constant struggle; this was much better.
I hugged him one more time before climbing out of the Jeep. This day had turned into a whirlwind of emotions. First, I had all but severed ties with my parents. It was a relationship I didn’t think could ever be mended. Things that were never together weren’t meant to be fixed. But now I had one of my best friends back in my life. It was strange how life seemed to work itself out.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Once I’d left my plastic life behind, I spent the next two week thinking and planning. I’d completed thirty-seven paintings over the last several months. If I placed them in order of when I painted them, they showed my rise, fall and eventual rebirth. I rarely showcased my art, but that was about the change today. There was an outdoor art show this afternoon at Brooklyn Bridge Park and I was going to share my art with the world. It was a big step for me.
Jade helped me dress in what she called artsy-chic, whatever that was. She picked out skinny jeans, with a red camisole, black blazer and matching flats. She fought me when I put my black beanie on, but I eventually won out. It was my day after all.
Gwen came for the weekend; it was nice to have her support in my new endeavor. She was there for me when I wasn’t myself and now that I was who I wanted to be, she was still there. I realized that I was worth something and that propelled me forward every day.
“Ready to go ladies? Show starts in 30 minutes!” I yelled impatiently from the doorway. I was the first one ready for my own show.
“Coming!” they yelled in unison. I never thought I would see the day the two of them would get along so well. Gwen had relaxed and Jade had accepted her. I think they had done it for my benefit.
We took a cab to the park. Butterflies were working overtime in my stomach as we got closer. This was going to be a big day for me.
After we paid the cab driver, I led them over to where I had set up my paintings earlier in the morning. It was the first time I was sharing my art with either of them. I was surprised to see they both had tears in their eyes after looking at the whole display. I felt accomplished and justified; the people that mattered most were here supporting me.
For the next hour, I played the art guru, explaining my work to the many people who walked through the park. My mind was there, but I felt uneasy. So much was riding on today. I took a short break to grab a drink of water and collect my thoughts.
When I turned around to greet a couple that was looking at one of my paintings, I saw him. My hand flew to my mouth as I held back tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. I begged Tyler to bring him, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. He looked impressive in light colored blue jeans and a fitted long sleeve grey t-shirt. How did that man make cotton look so good? I wanted to run and jump into his arms, but my legs felt like they were rooted in cement. I watched him as he looked over some of my paintings, pointing and talking to Tyler from time to time. He looked better than he had the last time I saw him, but still not back to normal.
I suddenly remembered where I was and excused myself from the couple. I turned to Jade who was chatting with Gwen. “Jade, can you handle this for a few minutes?” My hands were shaking as I glanced back over to where Dane was standing with Tyler. He still hadn’t looked my way.
Jade followed my gaze.
“Go, we got it. ”
I still couldn’t move. I watched as he looked at the first painting I had done after our breakup when I was finally able to pick up a paintbrush again. It was a rendition of the sculpture he did for our first art project, but the heart was broken and dripping red down the bottom of the canvas. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest as I watched his face fall. He scanned the crowd around him looking for me, I presumed, but he didn’t see me. I felt a small hand on my back and turned around to see Gwen. “You can do it,” she whispered. My attention went back to Dane before I felt her hand give me a gentle push.
I moved slowly, my heart beating faster with every step, until I was less than ten feet away. This was when he saw me for the first time. I could see his jaw working back and forth as I closed the rest of the distance between us. It was hard not to reach up and touch his beautiful face. It looked like he hadn’t shaved in a few days, but it looked good on him. Neither one of us spoke as I watched my reflection in his stunning green eyes. I couldn’t hold back any longer as a single tear rolled down my cheek. I never thought I would see myself in his eyes again and I never wanted anyone else to see themselves within them. It was my turn to fight for him.
“I’m glad you came,” I said quietly, still unbelieving.
He looked to his right then to his left; he was avoiding my eyes. My heart dropped. “Dane, look, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you. The past several weeks have been some of the worst in my life, but the weeks I spent with you were some of my best. ” I stopped, taking a deep breath and wiping away the tears. My stomach felt sick; he still wasn’t looking at me. “I love you. I love you more than life. Do you know how I know that? I would rather die than live a life without you. You are everything that I’m not and I need you. Please. ”
He stood there in silence, looking at the ground and working his bottom lip between his teeth. I needed him to say something. “Alex, I can’t. What we had, it’s over. Once something is this broken,” he hesitated, “I’m sorry, Alex. You were very special to me, but I can’t. I can’t go through that again. ” He glanced at me for a second, but I couldn’t read him through the tears.