"Now in the three verses I just read you, there was a certain order of things that I see as significant. Do you see in verse 14, the first requirement of the disciples is that they be with Christ? Did you catch that? Now what's the second one?"
In spite of herself, Mackenzie read verse 14 in Kathy's Bible and saw the words, "that He might send them out to preach," She had only just finished reading it when Roz gave that very answer.
"That's right," Gary confirmed again. "Before the preaching and before He gives them authority of their own, He wants them to be with Him. Isn't that interesting? Remember back in chapter 1, verse 35, when early in the morning Jesus goes off to a lonely place to pray? Now you know me well enough to know that I'm not saying the only time we can meet with the Lord is in the morning, but don't miss the significance of these verses. This God-Man, this Jesus Christ, He knew where to start. He knew what He needed, so He met with His Father before the day began. He knew what the disciples needed-they needed His example and teaching above all else-so the first thing He required of them was to be with Him.
"I think about these passages when I hear myself telling the Lord that I'm tired of being a father to three active teens and that I don't want to make the effort anymore, or when I find myself wondering why I can't seem to say no to a persistent temptation. I ask myself if I've taken care of first things first. Have I been in the Word and prayer like I need to be? Above all else, are they a priority?"
His eyes moved around the room, but Mackenzie didn't feel singled out, only fascinated at what she was hearing. The authority of Christ had never before occurred to her. Gary was
471
almost through with the hour-long study before she remembered that she wanted nothing to do with this God-Man, His authority, or anything else.
And in fact, Gary and the women didn't hang around. They thanked Roz and were swiftly on their way, leaving Mackenzie alone with her again. She didn't get comfortable but stood in such a way that Roz knew she wanted to go.
"I'm so glad you could join us, Mackenzie."
"Thank you for your kindness, Roz, but I have to tell you that I really don't want anything to do with Jesus Christ."
"Can you tell me why, Mackenzie?" Roz asked openly.
"I just-" she began but couldn't find the words. She struggled for a moment, but Roz cut back in.
"I shouldn't have asked that, Mackenzie. I'm sorry. You're welcome here even if you don't want to talk about Christ, but I would like to tell you something."
Mackenzie steeled herself for Roz to tell her she was praying for her, but that didn't happen. Roz simply put a hand on Mackenzie's arm and spoke softly.
"You're a different person today than you were yesterday. Yesterday you were crying and upset, and even though you're confident and collected today, I can still see that you're hurting. You hide it very well, but I can see it. You're welcome back to Bible study. We meet every Thursday morning at ten o'clock, and I hope you'll come, but I also hope you'll come back and hearmystory. Five years ago I was not the person I am today, and I'd like to tell you about it. If you don't leave with anything else today, Mackenzie, I hope you leave knowing that I like you and that you're welcome here anytime you wish."
Mackenzie wanted to cry all over again but managed not to. She thanked her hostess yet again and moved out the door. Almost in a state of shock, she drove home. She was not angry, just alone and confused. It was hours before she realized she desperately needed to talk with her sister.
Chicago
Chet tenderly kissed Delancey goodnight and slipped out the door. They had spent a wonderful evening together, and for the first time ever, he had spoken of the future. He was growing tired
472
of being on call at the airline and had gone so far as to ask Delancey what she thought of France. He had heard about a small airline there that favored American pilots. Delancey had loved France when she was there with Mackenzie, and without much encouragement, she saw herself married to Chet and living in a little French villa where she could paint and draw to her heart's content.
If the phone hadn't rung, Delancey might have merrily dreamed all night, but hearing the sound of her sister's voice was worth coming back to earth.
"What have you been up to? Writing like mad?"
"Off and on. I've been lying in the sun like a lazy fool, so I'm tan but dry as a bone. One of these days I'll get writing again. Pax keeps calling, and I never return his calls. I wouldn't be surprised to open my front door one of these days and find him standing there."
"I'm sure you're right," Delancey laughed. "He's not about to let his top novelist stray too far. By the way, Chet just told me he readAccess Deniedand loved it. It was all I could do not to tell him."
"But you didn't."
"No. After all this time, it's become almost a habit to stay quiet about it."
"I'm glad you did, Deej. I'm not ready for anyone to know. By the way, is he taking you out for your birthday next week?"
"Yes." Delancey filled her in, but in truth Mackenzie was only half attending. When there was a slight lull, she finally found the courage to say what she had called about.
"Hey, D.J?"
"Yeah."
"Do you know what I did this morning?"
"What?"
"I went to a Bible study." Mackenzie's voice was lighter than she felt, and her hand gripped the phone so hard that she was getting a cramp.
"You're kidding." Delancey's voice grew rather cool.
"No. It was so weird. I mean, not the people, but I was at this lady's house-I just met her Tuesday-and then her Bible study group showed up and there was no way to leave."
"Was it awful?"
473
"No," Mackenzie answered, surprised that she was able to say so. "It really wasn't. I mean, I don't agree with it, not personally, but this man made it very interesting."
"You're not thinking of going back are you?" Delancey sounded so horrified that Mackenzie took a moment to answer.
"Well, I don't know. It was kind of interesting."
Mackenzie was not prepared for her sister's anger.
"You can't be serious!"
"Well, I haven't decided or anything like that," Mackenzie said, trying to defend herself.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing." There was no disguising Delancey's ire. "I have never known you to be a hypocrite, Mackenzie. What's come over you?"
"Why does my going make me a hypocrite?" Mackenzie asked in genuine confusion.
"You've never wanted anything to do with God, Mic, and you know it. Anytime I've ever brought it up, you said that's fine for me but to leave you out."
Mackenzie felt stunned. Why had she thought she could talk to her sister about this? Her heart felt so crushed she thought it might break. She didn't say anything for some time, and Delancey finally heard herself.
"I'm sorry, Mic. I didn't mean that." Her voice was soft and hurt as well. "I don't know why I said it. I'm just so surprised."
"It's all right, Delancey. I understand."
But things were not all right, and neither sister understood. For the first time either woman could remember, there was a barrier between them. Delancey felt threatened that her sister might turn to a God that she had always hated. It was so inconsistent with who Delancey knew her sister to be that she was shaken. Mackenzie felt as though she was all alone on a desert island. They hung up after five more minutes of uncomfortable conversation, but things did not feel good.
A week later, when Mackenzie called her sister to wish her a happy birthday, she decided against mentioning the Bible study again. Delancey loved the CD player Mackenzie had sent, and they managed to find things to say to each other for almost ten minutes, but there was still a strain. Mackenzie was holding out, and Delancey knew it. Guilt or not, the older sister had
474
been off the phone for only 20 minutes when she headed the door for Roz's house, hoping she would be on time.
"How old were the
kids then?" Mackenzie asked Roz, some six weeks after she had started to attend the study. It had taken weeks for Roz to learn much about her, and she was only able to accomplish this because Mackenzie would usually visit at some other time during the week. On Thursday at 10:00, the young author sat silently for the entire hour and was the first one out the door. Today she stayed.
"Well, let's see. Five years ago Rina would have been 10, Josh, 12, and Devon, 15. They well remember my drinking and not coming home for days. Adam would go looking for me but wouldn't always find me. The kids would be terrified until I came in the door and then throng me, but I was usually hungover and pushed them away. Their dad would be left to comfort them."
"He was already a Christian?"
"Yes. He'd come to Christ four years ahead of me."
"And you haven't had a drink since?"
"As a matter of fact I have, not for more than three years now, but prior to that I stumbled several times. Adam forgave me, and I knew the Lord did, and even though I'm tempted today, I count the cost and choose to obey."
Mackenzie glanced around and tried to think. Roz was nothing like she first believed. Her life looked like a charmed one with three great kids, a loving husband, and many friends. It was hard to imagine her drunk or running around on her husband.
"I don't want to slam what happened in your life, but I'm no drinker," Mackenzie said at last. "And I just don't feel I need to be saved from anything, Roz."
"What about hell, Micki? It's a very real place."
"Okay," her hand went up, "I would be a fool to tell you I want to go to hell, but Roz, I can't live my life as a Christian. I know I can't. God can't really be trusted to do the right thing, or my parents would still be alive."
Roz's head bent to one side as she thought. "We're very earthly-minded creatures, aren't we, Micki? We want God to make everything perfect right here and right now, but that
475
would be inconsistent with what happened in the Garden of Eden. Sin entered the world through one man, and because of that, the whole world is under Satan's rules.
"There is no perfect here-and-now. I, for one, don't want it perfect now. I don't want to get too comfortable here. Sin hurts and makes us sad, but it also reminds believers that we have something better waiting for us. Drunk drivers do hit servicemen and take them from their families. Cancer does enter the bodies of our loved ones and take them away, but I'm going to say what you've certainly heard before: God is sovereign. Nothing happens without His hand."
"And you can love a God like that? A God who allows those things to happen?"
"With all my heart," Roz said softly. "I was headed to hell the fast way. My life was falling apart. And you can tell me that you don't drink and you don't have the same needs, and all I can say to that is boloney. You're a sinner just like I am. Are there sacrifices? Yes. Are there heartaches? Yes, but there's also joy and the knowledge that God is not going to let anything happen to me that He doesn't want to happen and that I won't be able to handle. I might get hit by a drunk driver or I might get cancer, but I don't have to worry that it was an accident or that I'm alone. Do I want Adam or the kids to die? Of course not, but I have a God in whom I can trust. I want that for you too, Micki. I want it with all my heart."
How have I come to this place?Mackenzie sat in Roz's kitchen asking herself.Iwanted nothing to do with my mother's beliefs, yet here I sit, fascinated with Roz and wanting to be close to her. I couldn't get away fromJack fast enough, and now I wish he were here and I could talk with him. How I wishJack would take me in his arms and hold me and tell me God could still love me-might still want to forgive me.
Roz watched Mackenzie's face, but she stayed quiet. Never did she imagine that walking to the road to see whose car had broken down would lead to knowing Mackenzie Bishop. More alone than Roz had ever been, she was as independent and savvy as any woman Roz had ever met. Her heart was tender toward children, but it wasn't at all unusual to see a cynical light gleam in her eyes, and that was only if she was letting her emotions show-something she was very adept at hiding.
476
It would be so easy to beg this younger woman to fall to her knees and repent, but Roz wouldn't do that. There were sacrifices in the life of a believer-nothing that outweighed the peace God gave, but they weren't something someone could talk you into. "Love-prompted obedience" was the way one of the pastors described it. On her own, Mackenzie would have to come to a point of wanting and needing what only God could offer. Until then, Roz could do nothing for her.
"I think I'll head home now," Mackenzie said softly.
"All right. Are you sure you won't stay for dinner? Adam and the kids will be home in just a little while."
"Is it that late?"
"About 3:30."
"The time slipped away, Roz. I hope I didn't ruin your day."
"If you think that, then you haven't been listening."
Mackenzie smiled at her but still said, "I'm not sure if I'll see you next week or not."
"All right. You know you're welcome."
The women hugged, and Mackenzie went on her way, wondering not for the first time over the fact that Roz never said she would pray for Mackenzie. She somehow knew she did, but it was funny to her that she didn't mention it. Her mother and Jack, and even her father, had said it often.
Mackenzie went straight to the phone when she got home and dialed Delancey's number, but when she got only the answering machine, she hung up. They had talked very little in the last several weeks, and when they were on the phone, Delancey had so little to say that Mackenzie was at a complete loss. She had asked her sister if she was angry, and Delancey insisted she wasn't, but Mackenzie had stopped believing her.
Ineed you right now, Delancey,she spoke to the phone.Why can'tyou be therefor me? Why can't I talk to you about this?But there was no answer.
Mackenzie didn't know when she had been so tired, but at night sleep took hours to claim her these last few weeks. She could lie down now but knew it would be no use.
"I don't need You." She suddenly said the words out loud as she paced in the kitchen. "I have everything, do You hear me? I am Mac Walker! I don't need You." Mackenzie sank into a chair
477
and her voice softened. "If I don't need You, then how come I'm desperate to talk to Jack?"
Before she could change her mind, she went back to the phone. The number, her home phone for years, was dialed with ease, but she listened with dread to the mechanical recording stating that the number was no longer in service.
"No," Mackenzie whispered to the machine that could not hear her. "You have to be there, Jack. You have to be. I need you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I need you."
Not until the words were out of her mouth did Mackenzie realize what she had said. Her face dropped into her hands.
Ican't believe it would be true. You have to remember all the things I've said to You, how much I've hated You. You can't forgive me, God. You just can't!But Mackenzie knew better. She had never allowed her heart to soften, but she had heard many of the things her parents and Jack had said over the years.
She cried until she thought she would be sick. Somewhere along the line, the confident and arrogant Mackenzie Rose Bishop had become a pathetic mess. The woman who rose from the table, face puffy and eyes swollen, to search her numerous bookshelves for the Bible her mother had given her felt as though she'd been clubbed and beaten. Her body ached with the weight of her sin and pain.
The Bible finally in her hand, Mackenzie went to her bedroom. It was a huge room without much furniture, but Mackenzie took little notice. She lay across the bed, turned on the lamp that sat on her bedside table, and turned to the book of Mark. She read from the beginning, going slowly when she got to the parts that Gary had gone over on Thursday mornings. She didn't understand all of what she read, and in fact didn't make it through the whole book but rolled over on her back and tried to talk to God.
Ican't handle myself an
ymore. I'm so miserable that I don't even want to go on. I thought I had it all. I thought I could take care of myself .
Mackenzie stopped as she remembered her father's same words. He had come back from Germany and said to them that he believed he could do everything on his own but then saw his own inadequacies and admitted to God that he needed help- he needed saving.
478
Iwould give anything to have my father orJack here right now. I need a father right now, God, and I don't know where to turn.
With sudden clarity Mackenzie remembered a verse her mother had shared with her, a verse where God was referred to as "Papa God." Just the thought of it brought on fresh tears. She sobbed until she was utterly spent and didn't remember falling asleep, but the phone's sudden ringing told her she'd been out hard.
'"lo." She cleared her throat and tried again. "Hello."
"Micki?" It was Roz's voice.
"Yes. Hi, Roz."
"Are you all right? You sound as though you were sleeping."
"I must have dropped off."
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, Micki. Are you sure you're all right?"
Mackenzie sighed. "I don't know what I am, Roz. I can't remember what I'm supposed to say to God. I need my dad but he's not here, and I can't find the way."
"Mackenzie, can Adam and I see you?"
"Oh, Roz, if only you could. I need you, but my eyes are so swollen that I don't think I can see to drive."
"We'll be right there."
It felt like forever to Mackenzie. Typically, lake homes were built with a view to the lake, so Mackenzie was not able to see the street unless she was in one of the upstairs bedrooms. But she didn't want to be that far away when they came. She ended up hovering around the front door and just barely controlling her tears when she saw Roz.
Roz was tender and hugged Mackenzie as soon as she got in the door. They were both thankful for Adam, a man whom Mackenzie had come to respect and care for. He took charge.
"Let's sit here in the living room," he suggested, and then waited for his wife to lead Mackenzie to a chair.
"How are you doing?" he asked when Mackenzie looked at him.