Catching my breath from the energy it took to saddle the horse, I glanced around the field. All was quiet. I gathered the reins loosely in my hand and mounted up, not letting my pregnancy stop me from riding.
Nudging the horse forward, I left the ranch behind.
~~~~
A soft noise woke me.
I lay in bed and listened. There it was again. A small ding. Something was being thrown against my window. The fog of sleepiness cleared. I threw off the covers and rushed over to the windowsill. In the dark I could barely make out Ryder standing a few feet from the house. When he saw me peeking out the window, he motioned me outside.
I glanced at the clock as I passed my nightstand. Two a.m. Closing time. I sighed. The typical time Ryder seemed to show up around here. Drunk, bruised, and bleeding. One too many drinks and far too many fights.
Tiptoeing out of my bedroom, I moved silently down the hallway. The floorboards creaked, protesting when my bare feet stepped on them. I stopped and listened, hoping the noise didn’t wake my dad. The sound of his snoring echoed through the thin walls of the house, letting me know that I was safe from discovery.
The smell of rain hit me when I opened up the back door. I jogged down the porch steps, ignoring the sound of thunder rumbling somewhere in the distance.
Halfway across the yard, I stopped and looked around, searching for Ryder in the pitch-blackness.
“Ryder!” I whispered, becoming frustrated. He better not have woken me up from a dead sleep to turn around and go back home. I would kill him. Well, after I got a few more hours of sleep.
I started to go back inside when two hands grabbed me around the waist, familiar with my body. I yelped and spun around, my heart leaping into my throat.
Ryder stood in front of me, a silly, lopsided grin on his face.
“Hello, beautiful.”
“Ryder, you scared me to death!” I shrieked, smacking his hands away.
“How’s my newly graduated friend?” he asked, weaving on his feet.
“Are you drunk, Ryder?”
He leaned closer, smelling faintly of beer but still like himself - something woodsy and oh, so manly.
“I might be drunk. Got a problem with that, little girl?”
I ignored the threat I heard in his voice. Ryder was anything but dangerous. To others, he was deadly. Fatal. To me, he was…dark and full of attitude, but never dangerous. More like a baby cub wanting to play. You just had to handle him right and be careful of his knife-like claws and razor sharp teeth.
A single raindrop chose that moment to land on my nose. I glanced up at the sky just as another fat raindrop hit my forehead. A big clap of thunder boomed overhead followed by a flash of lightning across the sky.
“Oh, hell, it’s gonna rain,” Ryder muttered, swaying as he glanced up at the sky also. “Can’t have you getting wet.”
He grabbed my hand, threading his fingers through mine. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to do.
With a firm grip on me, he led me across the yard at a jog. I ran after him, never letting go of his hand, knowing he was running slow so I could keep up.
When we got to the barn doors, the sky opened up. Buckets of rain started falling, splattering mud on my bare feet and leaving me soaking wet.
Laughing, I stood in the downpour and waited patiently as Ryder threw open the heavy barn doors. Pulling me inside, he hurried to shut the doors against the slashing rain and wind.
Inside it smelled like leather, horses, and musty hay. One of my favorite places on the farm.
We stopped in the middle of the barn, dry hay beneath our feet. Lightning flashed again from somewhere outside, lighting up everything for a split second. It gave me enough light to see what stood before me. A perfect specimen.
Letting go of my hand, Ryder took a step closer, his body almost touching mine.
The laughter died on my lips. Since when did standing so close to Ryder make my heart flutter and my palms sweat?
I couldn’t move. He smelled like rain and aftershave. I wanted to remember that combination forever.
Towering over me, he appeared dangerous. Powerful. My eyes dropped down to his wet shirt, clinging to his chest like a second skin. I reminded myself that we weren’t kids anymore. He was a man and I was…standing too close to him.
I took a step back and tried to control my heartbeat. It was pounding like I had just run a marathon. One touch from him would send me across the finish line.
Reaching out, he brushed my wet hair away from my cheek, his fingers touching my skin.
“You look like a drowned cat, Maddie.” The deep rumble of his voice ran through me, making me tingle in all the right places. How words could do that to a person, I don’t know.
When his fingers lingered on my cheek, I moved away, afraid for him to touch me. It wasn’t the touch of a friend. It was the touch of two adults wanting something more.
I walked over to a horse stall, glancing back at him once or twice. He watched me, his eyes moving up and down my body slowly. My tank top and baggy shorts suddenly didn’t feel like enough clothing.
Heat touched every inch of my skin, racing through me like a fire out of control. I tried to convince myself that the flush I felt was because of the heat of the summer storm but who was I kidding? It was Ryder and nothing else.
“Why are you here, Ryder?” I asked, my voice wispy.
He stalked toward me, his hips rolling casually with each step he took. His boots kicked up loose pieces of hay on the ground, dragging my attention down his long legs to the toes of his scuffed boots. I watched as those boots drew closer, pursuing me. Dragging my eyes up his body, I tried to get a hold of myself.
“You’re going back to college in a week. I just wanted to hang out with you. I miss your stubborn ass when you’re gone,” he said, giving me a crooked grin.
“That’s nice, Ryder. Can you be any sweeter?” I said sarcastically. Something more heartfelt would have been nice to hear but this was Ryder. He didn’t do sweet.
Stopping in front of me, he shrugged, his muscular shoulders moving under his wet shirt. “I’ll miss your ass. Just telling the truth.”
What was he doing? He wasn’t flirting because…well, because we were just friends. It had to be the alcohol talking.
“You can come visit me anytime you like, Ryder,” I said, kicking myself when the words sounded sexy. Inviting.
I saw his grin widen in the darkness, looking like the cat that ate the canary.
“You won’t want me around,” he said.
My heart beat faster. Damn thing.
“I’ll always want you around, Ryder.”
“And I’ll always be there,” he said, his voice lower. “Wanting to be around you. Never needing anything else.”
~~~~
Birds flying out of a thicket startled the horse, jerking me out of my memories and bringing me back to the present.
Knowing I needed to focus on what I was doing, I sat up straighter in the saddle and tried to push the image of Ryder that night out of my mind. But as my destination drew closer, my heart became heavier with the memories of him.
It is why I needed to be alone. To grieve. To accept that he was gone. To come to terms with the fact that he may never return to me. I needed to be beside my dad to do that.
I missed both of them, Ryder and my father. I had lost both too soon. They were the two people who knew me better than anyone else. I was afraid my heart would never heal or be the same again without the two of them.
I replayed Cash’s words that day. Words that would stick with me forever; “He’s dead, Maddie. I don’t want to have to tell you, but he’s dead.”
Pulling back on the reins, I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting the pain and sense of loss to go away.
Ryder was dead. Now I was only existing. Lost. Torn apart until nothing was left but a bleeding heart. It had only been two months since he rode away but it felt as if a lifetime had passed.
The te
ars fell faster now, making it hard to breathe and focus. The baby chose that moment to kick, reminding me that I still had Ryder with me. A piece of him would live on, even if he didn’t.
I wiped a tear away and pulled back on the reins when the horse stomped her foot, antsy to get moving again. When I refused to give her free rein, she shook her head and pulled at her bit, stubbornly trying to get her way.
“Settle down, girl,” I said, patting her neck.
Without warning, apprehension raced up my spine. I looked toward the line of trees that marked the beginning of the woods. Nothing moved and nothing seemed out of the ordinary but I felt nervous just the same.
Nudging the horse with my heels, I let her start walking again. Her hooves clomped on the hard, cold ground, the only noise around.
I buried my gloved hands further down into my pockets, searching for any smidgen of warmth as the cold, bitter wind blew down from the north. My nose and chin were slowly becoming numb from exposure. I stuck my face further down into the upturned collar of Ryder’s jacket and instantly smelled him – a woodsy scent that brought tears to my eyes. I inhaled deeply and held back a sob, biting my lip painfully to keep from crying out. Wrapping one arm around my middle in comfort, I let the horse lead me home.
I was halfway there when I saw the house looming off in the distance. I couldn’t say I was happy to see it. It was the home I grew up in, the house I spent my childhood in, but for me, it held horrible memories. Being held down against my will. Fighting for my life. Killing a man. I would never forget what happened behind those walls. The nightmare still haunted me to this day.
The horse clomped over a small hill, not in any rush. I held tightly to the reins as we crested the rise. From there, I could see the large oak tree beneath where my dad was buried. I felt the familiar tug of grief when I saw the crude cross marking his grave. My throat closed up tight in that tell-tale sign of sorrow.
Drawing closer to the tree, I avoided looking at the house. My eyes darted down to the shotgun, placed in the scabbard of the saddle, within easy reach if I needed it.
I scoffed as I imagined my former college classmates out in the middle of nowhere, riding a horse in winter, a shotgun by their side. For me, it was how I grew up. For others, I knew it would be a foreign lifestyle. My dad once told me that women could do anything a man could do. This new life tested that theory. So far, I had survived. Sometimes on my own and sometimes with the help of others, but I survived.
Now here I was alone, just my horse, my gun, and my unborn baby in the middle of nowhere Texas with a war raging around us. I was stubborn and I was strong. Every day my dad’s words rang in my ear, reminding me of just that. ‘You can do anything you want, Maddie. You’re smart and you’re resilient. Don’t let anybody tell you differently.’
I wasn’t going to let this war prove him wrong.
Stopping the horse a few feet from my father’s grave, I threw my leg over the saddle and dismounted. My boots felt heavy as I walked to the base of the tree. Leaning over, I brushed some dead leaves away from the grave and pulled a few weeds from around the crude cross.
I ran my gloved fingers over the rough, wooden cross. The horse nickered behind me then nudged me in the back with her soft-as-velvet nose. I ignored her and squatted down on the cold ground.
“I miss you, Dad,” I said. “The war is still going strong and people are still dying.” I placed a hand on my stomach, tears stinging my eyes. “The baby is growing. I wish you could be here to meet him or her. But I’m scared, Dad. I don’t know if I can do this without Ryder.”
Only silence answered me.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat, struggling to get the words out. “They think he’s dead. If Ryder’s with you, please tell him that I love him. I will never forget him, Dad. Please let him know.”
I pulled my knitted hat lower over my ears and glanced up at the tree swaying above me in the wind. Beneath my grief, I felt that small amount of hope that wouldn’t disappear no matter how much Gavin told me to face reality.
“But I still think he’s alive, Dad.”
The horse snorted behind me and stomped her foot impatiently.
I took a deep breath and pushed myself to my feet. Glancing up at the sky, I shivered. A cold, bitter wind blew around me, sending leaves swirling around my legs. I had planned on staying longer but the clouds looked like they held sleet and threatened bone-chilling temperatures. I needed to go.
“Okay, let’s go,” I said to the horse. But I was really trying to talk myself into leaving. I wanted to stay. Each goodbye hurt despite not receiving a response back.
“Bye, Dad.”
Putting my foot in the stirrup, I pulled myself into the saddle. The leather creaked as I reached for the reins. Turning the horse around, I headed home.
Chapter Ten
I was halfway home when uneasiness hit me. Pulling back on the reins, I glanced around, twisting in the saddle to look behind me. Nothing. Everything seemed peaceful and quiet but I still felt as if someone was watching me.
Feeling like a sitting duck so high on a horse, I slid off, keeping the reins wrapped around my hand. Pulling the shotgun out of the scabbard, I checked to make sure it was loaded, even though I had done it at least twice before leaving.
The horse scrambled around me nervously, her large hooves coming within inches of stepping on my feet. Her huge body bumped against mine, almost knocking me off my feet.
“Whoa!” I said in a hushed tone, pulling on the reins to calm her as I watched the tree line in the far distance.
My eyes scanned the area, searching for whatever had made me tense. Trees full of brown leaves blew in the wind, hiding whatever was behind them. Everything looked peaceful but I had a feeling I wasn’t alone.
Maybe it was nothing. Just nerves getting the better of me. I started to remount when a slight movement caught my eye.
A lone person was walking out of the woods, heading my direction.
“Oh, shit!” I muttered, swinging the heavy shotgun up and pointing it at the man.
My heart thumped loudly as he continued walking straight for me, at least five hundred feet away now. His stride was slow, almost weak.
My hands shook as they held the gun. Should I get on the horse and ride hell bent for leather or should I stick it out? Without moving my head, I scanned the wooded area behind him. No one else emerged from the trees. He seemed to be alone.
Squinting my eyes, I tried to get a better look at him. My heart started racing when I realized a pistol hung limply from his right hand. He was armed which meant he was dangerous.
A strange man did not bode well for a woman alone. I knew from experience that men were dangerous. I had killed one already for touching me. I didn’t want to add another to that list.
My horse started snorting and dancing around, jerking on the reins and frightening me. I held tight to the leather straps but refused to lower the gun.
The man kept coming toward me, his eyes on me now. His footing faltered as he stumbled over the small valleys and low ditches of the field.
I took a step back, bumping into my saddle. The horse sidestepped away from me. She smells the scent of fear on me.
I held the gun up higher despite the heaviness of it. Resting it on my shoulder, I watched as the stranger continued on, staggering closer. His hand clutched his side, holding it there like he was injured.
But he still kept a firm grip on his pistol.
I pumped the shotgun, the sound loud and clear in the quietness of the day. The man stopped, leaning over as if he was going to topple to the ground.
When he started walking again, I took a step back. He was closer now. Too close.
“Don’t move another step, mister!” I shouted, moving my finger to the trigger of the gun, ever so gently resting it there.
My voice only made the stranger walk faster. Damn!
I started to squeeze the trigger, just to send a warning shot, but something stopped me. Looking
down the barrel, I studied the man. I could see long brown hair that looked dirty and matted. A full beard obscured most of his lower face, hiding his mouth and jawline from view. He seemed tall, much taller than most men.
Tall.
I pushed the thought away. There were many tall men. But there was something about the way this man moved…the way he rolled his hips when he walked…
I sucked in a breath and watched him, noticing the wide set of his shoulders and the unleashed power behind his stride.
Was it possible?
“Ryder?” I said weakly, so low there was no possible way the man could have heard me.
The shotgun suddenly became too heavy for me to hold. I dropped it an inch, feeling the strain in my arms. A breeze picked up loose strains of my hair, entangling them in my eyelashes. But I never took my eyes off of the stranger.
A cloud floated by and opened up the heavens, bringing sunlight down to earth. The sun shone down and filled me with warmth that had nothing to do with the literal heat. As if leading me home, the sun hit the man just right.
Blue eyes. The man had bright blue eyes.
I took a step forward. The world tilted at an odd angle as if I was on one of those tilt-a-whirl rides at the state fair.
The man’s lips moved but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
I took another step forward. Everything disappeared. The trees, the dry grass brushing against me, the birds overhead - it all vanished. There was only the man in front of me.
Blue eyes. Tall. Familiar walk.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I dropped the reins and took off running, flying across the land. The muscles in my legs worked hard to cover the distance. RUN! Faster! Faster!
I picked up speed, watching with agony as he stopped and dropped to his knees. His eyes stayed on me, silently begging for help. He reached one of his hands out toward me, needing a lifeline to home.