I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, the images too much to handle.
Eva turned over to look at me, the blankets tangled around her legs.
“I want to tell you that I’m sorry, Maddie. Because of me, Ryder’s dead. I know I was hateful to him but I was just worried he would break your heart. I wanted to protect you. Now I feel guilty. He gave up his life for me and I treated him like shit. If I could, I would’ve stayed in that camp so you could have him back.”
I wrapped my arms around her, squeezing her tightly. “Don’t say that Eva. I’m okay.”
“No you’re not. Don’t lie to me, Maddie Jackson.” I could hear the tears in her voice. “We were so fuckin’ stupid. Just two naïve college kids that thought the most important thing in life was where the next party was going to be, or finding the greatest bars.”
“We couldn’t have known,” I said, unwrapping my arms from around her.
“I don’t want to tell Brody about the camp,” she said with conviction. “It will just upset him to hear what I went through and I can’t be with him right now. There was one time…”
I shut my eyes, afraid of what she was going to say next.
“One man cornered me and touched me but another woman stopped him…I don’t know who she was but she saved me.”
I reached beneath the covers and found her hand. Her fingers were like ice against mine.
“I won’t say anything but you need to talk to Brody. Don’t push him away,” I said.
“I’m afraid to tell him.”
“He loves you, Eva. All that matters to him is that you’re home safe.” I squeezed her hand reassuringly.
She scoffed. “You just don’t get it do you, Maddie? We’ll never be safe. These men,” she motioned out the window, “want to kill us. They want us extinct.” She shook her head, her next words eerie. “Americans will never be safe or the same. None of us.”
Chapter Eight
One afternoon I walked away. I needed time. Away from the memories. Away from everyone asking if I was okay or telling me that everything would be fine. How could they say that? Ryder was gone. Things were not okay. I was far from fine. I was a wreck.
On the outside I appeared strong, capable of handling anything. On the inside, I was dying. A slow death that I feared would never end.
How many times in the last few weeks had I pleaded with God to send Ryder back to me? I cursed fate. I screamed at the heavens. I cried myself to sleep. Would I ever be the same again?
The only thing keeping me sane and propelling me out of bed every day was the baby that I carried. I daydreamed about holding a girl or a boy in my arms, gazing down at him or her and seeing Ryder reflected back at me. I hoped the baby had Ryder’s eyes and his smile. And I hoped if it was a boy, he would be as handsome as his father, making female hearts flutter whenever he walked by. But more than anything, I just wished Ryder were here to share all of this with me.
For the first time in days, the sun was shining. The gloomy winter skies were gone. Eva and Janice were busy. The men were preoccupied with livestock and feed. It was a perfect day to be alone.
As I walked through the pasture close to the house, the tall grass brushed against my fingertips. My legs, covered by jeans, felt every move, every touch of the grass, reminding me that I was still alive despite the sorrow that had my heart in a firm grip.
The wind moved through the land, bending and curving the blades of brown grass. It reminded me of watching the waves of the ocean the summer I visited the Gulf of Mexico with my father. Lying on the beach, I was overwhelmed with the sight of all that water. I felt like a small grain of sand, a small piece in the grand scheme of things. All my problems, all my worries, seemed minuscule as I gazed out over the ocean.
Now, as I stood among a sea of grass, I felt alone. Lost. I wanted to be lighter and float away like the clouds in the sky. Float away from the pain and grief of missing Ryder.
But I couldn’t leave. I had a baby on the way. I could remember and I could ache but I had to go on.
I turned my face toward the sun, feeling the warmth on my cheeks. The heat warmed me, taking away the chill. Running a hand over the tops of the grass, I closed my eyes.
Ryder’s face appeared behind my eyelids. I wanted to reach out and touch him but he was only in my mind, a figment of my imagination. A memory that would never disappear.
Before I opened my eyes, warmth traveled down my arm to my fingertips, making me suck in a breath. It felt like someone was touching me.
My eyes flew open, my head whipping around. I expected to see Ryder behind me, standing there with a cocky grin on his face, but only empty fields surrounded me.
In the distance I saw Gavin walking my way. His strides were long and quick. For a few seconds my heart beat out of control. From a distance, Gavin looked so much like Ryder that I found myself taking a step toward him, desperate to go to him.
“Maddie!” his deep baritone voice called out.
“Yes?” I answered, calming down as I waited for him to catch up to me. It’s just Gavin. Not Ryder. Just Gavin.
He stopped in front of me, out of breath. “Where the hell did you go? You scared me half to death.”
“Sorry.” I looked away peevishly. I was tired of everyone keeping tabs on me. I was more than capable of taking care of myself. Hadn’t I already proven that?
“You okay?” he asked.
There it was again. That awful question.
“You can’t just leave without telling someone,” Gavin said, not waiting for my answer.
I took a deep breath, trying to sound normal. “I just needed to be alone.”
He let out a sigh. “I get it but, damn it, Maddie, you can’t just go off by yourself. It’s not safe.”
“I can see the house from here. Why does it matter anyway?”
“What?” he asked with a mixture of surprise and appall.
I squinted against the sun to see up into his eyes. “I asked why it even matters? If the enemy showed up right now, maybe they would just take me to town and throw me in with all the other prisoners. Then I could find Ryder.” The idea took shape in my mind. The plan became as clear as day. It could work. It really could work.
Gavin started shaking his head, disgusted. “Are you crazy? That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard of.”
My sadness disappeared, replaced with impatience. What else were we going to do? Sit here and wait for someone else to rescue Ryder?
“It could work, Gavin. Think about it. We let ourselves get caught. They take us to their camp and we find Ryder.”
Gavin rubbed a hand over his face, a gesture I had seen Ryder do a million times.
“No, Maddie.”
“But, Gavin…” I sounded like a little kid begging to have just one more cookie.
He continued to shake his head, which made me furious.
“I’ve got to find him! I can’t do this anymore!” I pleaded, taking a step toward him. “This sitting and waiting is killing me! Please, Gavin, please! We’ve got to go search for him again!”
He grabbed my upper arms, giving me a violent shake. “Don’t you get it, Maddie? He’s gone! You were there that day! You heard Cash say he was dead!”
I struggled out of his grasp, slapping his hands away. At that moment, I hated him more than anything.
“Don’t you say that! Don’t you dare say he’s dead!” I screamed.
His hand grabbed my upper arm again, wrapping around my layers of clothing. Tugging me hard, he jerked me toward him. My body smacked into his as he gave me another teeth-rattling shake.
“He’s dead, Maddie!” Gavin shouted, inches away from my nose. His eyes were fierce, full of harshness. “Get it through your mind! My brother is DEAD!”
“F-you, Gavin!” I screamed, the words exploding from me.
His hand grabbed the back of my head, yanking me closer. Before I could comprehend what he was going to do, his lips were on mine.
I froze. My body went r
igid and my lips went hard. His mouth pressed on mine, warm and insistent. He pulled me closer. One of his hands became gentle, letting go of my arm and trailing down.
I yielded. For just a second, I let his hands move to my waist, holding me close.
Then I woke up. Reality set in. The dream was over. This wasn’t Ryder.
I pushed against Gavin’s chest. Nothing. He didn’t move an inch. His lips only grew bolder, deepening the kiss, making me angrier. Using all my strength, I shoved him harder. This time, he let me go.
When I was free, I pulled my hand back and slapped him. The sound of the smack ricocheted through the air, sounding loud and painful. He deserved it and much, much more.
Stumbling back, Gavin glared at me. “Maddie, listen to me…”
When he came at me again, I pulled back my fist and punched him in the nose.
That got his attention! Asshole!
“Don’t you DARE touch me!” I shouted, feeling a little insane that he kissed me.
“Maddie, holy hell,” Gavin swore, rubbing his nose then reaching for me.
I slapped his hand away. “Your own goddamn brother, Gavin! How could you!”
“He’s not coming back, Maddie!”
“And that gives you the right to kiss me?” I shouted back.
“No! I mean, yes!” He rubbed his nose on his shirtsleeve then checked it for blood. “Hell, Maddie, I don’t know,” he said in a quieter voice. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
I wiped my mouth, wanting to get the taste of him off of me. I loved Gavin but not like that. Never like that.
“What the hell were you thinking, Gavin?” I asked, eyeing him with distrust.
Sighing, he touched his nose one more time as he took his time answering. “The truth is, I’ve always liked you but I never did anything about it because Ryder was always there, threatening to kick my ass if I even looked at you wrong.”
“And now that Ryder isn’t here, you feel it’s your turn to have a go at me? I’m free game now, is that it?” I spit out, livid.
He opened his mouth to respond but I cut him off, not wanting to hear his lame excuses.
“Your brother is…” I stopped, my voice breaking. I couldn’t say it. The word ‘dead’ just wouldn’t move past my lips. I started over. “You think you can just take his place, Gavin? Are you freakin’ happy he’s gone?” I hissed, wanting to hurt him as much as I hurt. “You can move in on his territory now that he is out of the picture, is that it?”
“Hell, no, Maddie! I’d give anything to have him home but it isn’t a secret that I liked you. Shit, even Ryder knew it!”
“What?” I asked, shocked.
Gavin scrubbed a hand over his face before answering me. “Two years ago, you came home from college to visit. I was home and we all went out. Remember that night?”
I thought back. There was one spring break I returned from college, stressed and close to tears, ready to quit school. Ryder took one look at me and insisted I go out with him. Gavin had a date that night but decided to tag along also, much to Ryder’s displeasure.
We hit a local club, needing to drown our problems in loud music and dancing. But Ryder spent most of the night drowning himself in a bottle instead. Gavin and the girl danced and made googily eyes at each other, ignoring Ryder and me for the most part. At midnight Ryder dragged me to a tattoo parlor, making me watch as he got inked again. Gavin and his date went home. Nothing happened. I couldn’t remember anything out of the ordinary taking place.
“I remember that night. What about it?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Ryder said something about wanting to know what it would be like with you before you found some man and married.”
A tiny bit of hurt sliced across my heart but I ignored it. Ryder wasn’t that man anymore. The type of man that used a woman then tossed her aside. I had been the only one he let past his hard exterior. The only one he had ever loved.
“What’s your point?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
“He said he wanted you like he’s never wanted anyone before. It pissed me off because I thought it was a joke. He just wanted to use you like he did every woman he met. So I told him to shut the hell up, that you were too good to use and toss aside.”
“He didn’t use and toss me aside, Gavin. It was never that way between us.”
“I know that now but at the time…” He stopped, shaking his head. “Listen, Maddie, there’s more to the story than that. When I said you were too good for him, Ryder broke down. He became…hell, he became sad. There’s no other way to describe it.”
His eyes ran over the field around us before looking back at me.
“Ryder said that you deserved someone better than him. He accused me of wanting to be that someone better. That’s when things started to unravel even more. He said from the time he was a little kid, he never felt like he belonged anywhere. He said with you, he was home. You saw him as someone good. Someone that thought he hung the moon. And he wasn’t going to lose you to me.”
Tears fell down my face. Damn, him! Even when Ryder wasn’t here, he was making me cry!
Gavin stuck his hands in his pockets and continued. “We argued. I said some nasty stuff that I regret. In the end, Ryder said to stay the hell away from you. Said he would kick my ass if I touched you, rambling some crap about I might be the perfect one but you were his.”
“I’ve always been his,” I whispered so low I don’t think Gavin heard me.
He went on, his voice grim. “I feel guilty as hell, Maddie. My little brother grew up thinking he wasn’t good enough for anyone because he had always been compared to me. The perfect child. I wish I could go back and tell him that I was far from perfect. No one is.”
“But he’s perfect to me. He always has been,” I said, thinking of all the times I had spent with Ryder. Behind his bad attitude and life sucks mentality, he had a good heart. A caring soul. He just hid it behind his tough exterior.
But none of it was an excuse for what Gavin did.
He looked at me sadly. “Later that night, after many shots of tequila, Ryder said it killed him when he saw you with someone else. It ate at his insides and drove him nuts. He said sometimes he just wanted to grab you and kiss you.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, his next words hesitant. “But he said if he had to choose one person for you to end up with, it would be me. His own brother. That way he would know you were safe and well taken care of.”
I took a step back, wanting to get away from him and his words.
“When we went to get Eva, he told me that if anything happened to him, I had to take care of you. He made me promise, Maddie,” he said, holding his hands out pleadingly.
“No,” I said, shaking my head in denial. “He’s going to come back, Gavin. He promised he would return.”
“And what if he doesn’t? What then?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to think about it. I can’t listen to this any longer.
Turning, I walked away from him, taking huge strides through the tall grass. Tears started running down my cheeks, choking me.
The world was a mess and so was I.
Chapter Nine
I buttoned the flannel jacket quickly, my fingers numb from the cold. It was Ryder’s jacket and twice my size but it kept me warm in the chilly weather. On autopilot, I hurried to braid my long dark hair into a thick plait, letting it hang down the middle of my back. It was now longer than it had been when this hell started, back when life had been simpler.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of freshly sterilized creek water. No longer was there bottled water, clean and filtered. Now every drop we used had to be sterilized. It was a long drawn out process but at least we had water. That was more than some folks could say.
Keeping an eye outside the window, I picked up the shotgun from where it leaned against the wall. With swift movements I checked to make sure it was loaded. I withdrew ammunition from the kitchen drawer an
d dropped the large bullets into my coat pocket, feeling my jacket grow heavier.
Holding the shotgun in one hand, I eased the back door open, cringing when the hinges screeched in protest.
I paused to wait for someone to jump out and start asking what I was doing, but no one did. Glancing around the yard, I saw nothing and heard little. The rush of creek water outside of Ryder’s house sounded like it had months ago when we arrived here. A cold wind blew through the trees, making a few dead leaves fall to the ground, giving up their fight to hang on one more day.
I hurried down the porch steps. Everyone was busy and no one was in the house. This was the perfect time to escape. Maybe my only chance to leave.
I needed to be alone. I needed air and solitude.
Ignoring the bitter wind that blasted me from the north, I rushed to the barn. The ground felt frozen beneath my worn boots, reminding me of the ice storm we had just a few days ago.
I opened the barn door and waited a minute for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. Six months ago I would have just flipped a switch to light up the barn. But now electricity was just a thing of the past. An old friend that left, never to be heard from again.
I hurried over to the tack room where the saddles were kept. Running my gloved hand over the leather, I found the one I wanted. Lightweight and small, it was just right for me to lift. After taking it off of the hook, I grabbed a saddle blanket and reins.
I carried everything to the pasture gate. Keeping an eye on the area around me, I whistled once and hoped my horse would hear me.
A minute later a brown quarter horse came galloping out of the woods. Her ears twitched when she saw me. Slowing down, she ambled my way, watching me with her big, brown eyes.
“Hey, girl,” I whispered, rubbing her neck the way she liked.
She nickered once in greeting and stood still as I flung the saddle blanket over her back.
It took all my strength to throw the saddle on her. She jumped at the harsh treatment but I couldn’t help it. I had lost so much weight the last couple of months, I wasn’t sure I had any muscle mass left. We were having to ration our food now. Janice and Roger had not planned on feeding three extra mouths when they were building their stockpile of supplies. I wasn’t eating enough calories but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Frequently Cash or Gavin would give me some of their portions but I always protested. We all needed our strength. If one of us became sick, we would all be affected.