Ryder started to say something else but Gavin cut him off. “You somehow got outside and fired off a few shots. You put a slug in the man’s shoulder but he took off. We couldn’t find hide nor hair of him. Not one damn trace.”
“They’re sneaky sons-of-bitches,” Ryder said.
“So what do they want?” Gavin asked.
I saw Ryder’s mind working. His eyes stayed on me a second longer before answering Gavin.
“They want to kill me. Watch me hang for what I did,” he said, grimly.
“What did you do?” Gavin asked.
The harshness was back in Ryder’s eyes, joined also by coldness. “I killed their fucking leader.”
“Oh shit!” Gavin hissed, his body deflating.
“They thought I was dead and were going to bury me outside the prison. Once we were on the other side of the damn fence they erected around the place, I killed the sonofabitch. Got close enough to pull his gun and shoot him in the chest. In the chaos I got away but not without a bullet as a parting gift.” He took a deep breath and let it out on a whoosh of air. “They’ll return. It’s only a matter of time. I kicked a hornet’s nest and they’re out for blood.”
Gavin pinched the bridge of his nose, looking exhausted. “We’re going to have a fight on our hands.”
“We already do. The moment we set foot near their camp, we painted a bull’s-eye on our back. And now I’ve led them straight to Maddie,” Ryder said with self-loathing. “I put everyone in danger.”
“Not if I have a say in it,” Gavin declared. “We’ll bunker down and fight.”
I tried to listen as they talked strategy but I couldn’t keep my eyes opened. I was almost asleep when Ryder’s deep voice rumbled through the room.
“Thanks for keeping her safe.”
“I told you I would,” Gavin responded.
I kept my eyes closed, drifting between that place of sleep and wakefulness.
“If something happened to her,” Ryder said low. “I might have snapped you in two with my bare hands.”
“Nothing happened. She’s fine.”
“But if she wasn’t, if she was hurt or worse…hell, I can’t even think about it. I’ll fight every damn terrorist to protect her. She’s…”
“You love her, I get it,” Gavin grumbled.
“She means more to me than just someone I love. Much more.”
Chapter Sixteen
Something pushed against my side. I snuggled deeper beneath the covers, closer to the warmth next to me. My chin and nose were numb with coldness. I pulled my legs closer to my chest and wrapped my arms around my middle, feeling content and at peace. In the back of my mind, I wondered who had put me in bed but it didn’t matter. It was warmer under the covers then in the chair so I wasn’t going to complain.
Someone nudged me again but this time it was sharper, harder. I peeled my eyes open but the room was in total darkness.
What’s going on?
Realizing that someone lay behind me, I started to roll over when suddenly a fist flew through the air, smacking me on the arm.
I yelped and scooted to the edge of the bed. Coldness washed over me, making the room feel more like a walk-in refrigerator than a bedroom. My eyes adjusted to the darkness quickly. I saw the outline of a person lying beside me, moaning and thrashing about, kicking the covers off of his legs.
“Ryder?” I reached out, touching his arm.
He cringed away, his head moving back and forth on the pillow. “Nooooo!” he screamed, pushing away from me, his eyes closed.
“Ryder!” I said louder, shaking him. He was scaring me. His legs kicked out, narrowly missing my feet. His large fist swung through the air, almost hitting me in the head.
The moonlight caught the whiteness of the bandage around his middle. If I don’t wake him up, he’ll pull the stitches out! Ignoring the threat to myself, I got to my knees. Scooting closer, I tried to grab his arms and stop him but he struggled, fighting me.
“Ryder! Wake up!” I yelled, trying to rouse him.
He growled, his eyes still tightly shut. “Try to kill me, you bastards,” he roared.
Suddenly, his eyes flew open but they were dazed, cloudy. I saw the cold sweat on his forehead but felt the heat rolling off of his body.
His fever was back.
With another growl, he grasped my wrists in one hand and flipped me onto my back, rolling on top of me. Breathing hard, he glared down at me, pinning me beneath him. I remembered his words from earlier, describing the nightmares he still had. I knew then that he was not really seeing me but the nightmare that haunted him.
“Ryder, it’s me. Maddie,” I said with a shaking voice, pleading for him to wake up. I tried to wiggle my wrists out of his hands but he had a firm grip on me.
His eyes held nothing. No recognition of me. No wakefulness. Only fever and delusion.
Transferring my wrists to one hand, his other hand slowly crept up my arm. His touch was rough, his fingers bruising.
I breathed hard, lying still under him. I was afraid to move. Afraid I would frighten him more.
“Ryder?” I hoped just the sound of my voice would wake him. It had seemed to calm him before. Why not now?
His fingers brushed over my collarbone, moving slowly upward.
“Ryder, wake up,” I said, wiggling beneath him.
A growl erupted from his throat as his fingers spread around my neck, easily wrapping around my throat with just one hand. I started to feel the tiniest bit of pressure as his fingers dug into my neck. I wrapped my fingers around his wrists and tried to pull them away but he was strong, much too strong for me.
I cried out. It was the only thing I knew to do. This wasn’t Ryder on top of me. It was a stranger. A man haunted by demons of what he had seen and done.
I closed my eyes, not wanting this to happen. Not wanting to see him like this. Feel him touch me like this. I loved him. The violence of war wasn’t supposed to come between us and take the man I knew from me.
“Ryder, stop,” I choked out, afraid he would tighten his fingers more. He just growled, his body burning up with fever above me.
I cried out for help and immediately heard running feet in the hallway. A second later, the bedroom door banged open, hitting the inside wall.
“What the hell!” Cash yelled, rushing inside. Gavin and Brody followed close behind him, ready to fight the unforeseen threat. Within seconds, Cash was yanking Ryder off of me, throwing him to the other side of the bed.
I sat up, watching with fear as Cash held Ryder down, practically sitting on top of him.
“What’s going on?” Gavin yelled, swinging his flashlight around, shining it on the bed.
“His fever’s back!” I said, getting to my knees as tears rolled down my face. “Help him!”
Ryder let his fists fly, hitting Cash on the side of the head. As Cash was flung off of him, Brody jumped on Ryder, holding him down before he could get away.
Gavin joined the fray, shouting, “Get out of here, Maddie!”
My eyes flickered over to Ryder, hesitant to leave him. His jaw was hard, pain making his face white. But it was the emptiness in his eyes that scared me. He was still lost in his nightmare, fighting invisible forces.
“Maddie, leave!” Gavin shouted, his dark hair falling into his eyes.
I scrambled off of the bed, becoming tangled in the sheets for a second. My legs were wobbly, almost refusing to hold me upright.
“Hold him down, Brody!” Gavin yelled as Ryder started thrashing back and forth, yelling about killing someone and escaping.
Not able to watch anymore, I rushed from the room. Ryder’s shouts echoed behind me. Filling me with pain, tearing at my insides. In the hallway, I passed Janice. Dressed in flannel pajamas, a thick jacket, and a wool hat, she rushed past me.
“Ryder?” she asked, out of breath.
I nodded numbly, petrified in the dark hallway. I didn’t pay attention as Roger flew past me. I forced the words out when Eva
stopped in front of me, demanding to know if I was okay.
Leaning against the wall, I placed a hand over my stomach, feeling the slight roundness. The darkness of the house swallowed me, leaving me cold and alone. I blocked out the noises coming from the bedroom, sounds of struggling. Sounds of nightmares and pain. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to take deep breaths through my nose.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, to my baby and myself. “You’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.”
I just hoped I was right.
~~~~
An hour later, someone was shaking my shoulder, trying to wake me up. I forced my eyes open.
He was sitting beside me on the couch, looking tall and broad-shouldered in the darkness of the room. Somehow, I knew it wasn’t Ryder. My body didn’t hum and my heart didn’t flutter like it did when I was near him.
“You okay?” Gavin asked, watching me in the darkness of the living room.
I sat up, tucking my feet underneath me and pushing my hair out of my eyes.
“Yeah,” I answered, my hand going to my throat, touching the tender skin there.
“You sure? Did he leave bruises?” he asked, watching as I rubbed my skin.
“No. He put his hand around my throat but didn’t hurt me. It was like something was stopping him from squeezing too much.”
Resting his elbows on his knees, Gavin let out a deep breath, sounding tired. “His fever is back.”
“Did he open up his stitches?” I asked.
“No.”
“It was one of the nightmares,” I said, needing to reassure Gavin and myself.
“I know. Mom and I were talking…We think he’s got PTSD, Maddie. He’s got all the classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Nightmares, seeing things that aren’t there. Remember how Eva was when she first came back? Well, take Ryder’s normal bad attitude and add to that getting beaten and starved for weeks. That would break anyone. Even Ryder.”
“Maybe it’s just the fever talking. He was fine this afternoon. Even after he found out about his adoption, he seemed okay,” I said.
“He wasn’t fine. When you fell asleep, he…well, he freaked out. Dad came in the house and slammed the door. I guess the noise triggered something. Ryder lost it, saying someone was shooting at him. He had this wild look in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like that, Maddie,” Gavin said, clearly upset.
Ryder had always been tough, the one to save everyone else. To see him like this was hard, almost impossible to take. Where was the man that threatened to hurt anyone that looked at me wrong? The man that knew no fear?
“I’ve already talked to Dad about veterans coming back from war with PTSD. It sounds the same. Freaking out over a loud noise. The nightmares. Ryder may not be a soldier but he went to war.”
“And he’s still there,” I added.
Outside, the wind blew, rattling the windows. It sounded lonely, eager to get inside. I unfolded my feet from beneath me, standing up, knowing where I should be right now.
“Where are you going?” Gavin asked, looking up at me.
“Back to bed,” I answered, walking past him.
Gavin jumped up, following me across the room. “I don’t think it’s safe.”
“He’s not going to hurt me, Gavin.”
“But he’s not himself, Maddie.”
I whirled around to face him. “Ryder can be cold and hard but he would never hurt me. I’m not leaving him alone. I’ll sleep in the chair if I have to, but I’m not giving up on him.”
“Just give it time, Maddie.”
That was easy because I had all the time in the world.
Chapter Seventeen
Ryder’s fever lingered and so did the nightmares. I insisted they were due to the fever that raged through his body. Gavin insisted it was PTSD. We couldn’t agree. But we didn’t tell Ryder. If he knew that he attacked me that night…well…I was afraid of what it would do to him.
Two days later, we slaughtered another cow. It was a dirty, nasty job but we now had enough meat to last us through the winter. Two milk cows roamed the fields, braying softly during the day or lingering around the barnyard at night.
We canned the last of the meat, hiding some of it in the tiny room below the barn floor. The rest of it was hidden in the barn where it would be kept cold during the winter.
Since early morning, I had worked outside, keeping the fire hot enough to boil the glass jars, making my hands red and my fingertips burn. Close to dark, I finally dragged myself into the house, one step at a time. Opening the back door, I leaned against the doorframe, trying to find enough energy to walk inside. Resting my head against the peeling paint of the door, I closed my eyes, letting darkness slip around the edges of my vision. I could just sleep standing up, I thought. It would be so much easier than walking down the long hallway.
Sounds of activity in the house made me open my eyes, bringing me back to awareness. I pushed away from the door as a yawn forced its way past my lips. Dragging myself down the hallway, I felt as if I was sleepwalking. Turning the corner, a dark bedroom greeted me.
The bed was empty. I was too tired to worry where Ryder was, and without thinking twice, I crawled into bed, clothes and all. Within minutes, I was asleep.
I woke up sometime later to a cold bedroom. Rubbing my eyes, I stretched beneath the warm blankets, wondering how long I had been asleep. According to how dark it was outside, I had missed dinner. Again. Third time this week but I was too tired to eat. After canning meat all day, the thought of eating didn’t appeal to me.
The baby chose that moment to kick against my side, catching me by surprise. With one hand, I made little circle motions on my stomach, feeling the movement of the baby deep inside of me. I need to tell Ryder. I was still nervous about telling him after everything he had been through - the torture, the struggle to get home, the nightmares, the truth behind his birth. But he needed to know. It was time.
From somewhere in the house, a door closed. Voices mumbled. Pushing myself to a sitting position, I tossed my long, dark hair behind my shoulder, wishing I had braided it to keep it out of the way.
Throwing the covers off of my legs, I climbed out of bed. I needed to get out of my smelly clothes, get some food, and find Ryder.
My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room but the lack of moonlight made it hard to see. I lit a small candle beside the bed, flooding the room in soft yellow light. Crossing to Ryder’s closet, I grabbed a new shirt, not wanting to smell like cattle ever again.
Unbuttoning my shirt, I tossed it to the floor. Wearing only my bra, I stood with my back to the closed bedroom door. My fingers lingered on my stomach, feeling the slight roundness beneath my hands. My stomach was warm but my hands were cold, the chill seeping into my skin. Cradling my abdomen with both hands, I stood alone in the bedroom, my mind going back to the day I think our baby might have been conceived. The night we broke into the house on our way home, seeking shelter.
I was still standing there reminiscing when the bedroom door opened. Flipping around, I let out a small shriek. A man stood in the doorway, someone I almost didn’t recognize.
He was tall, with a solid body. Gorgeous. The candle flickered over him, making him look raw and dangerous. Gone was the thick beard. His jaw and cheeks were now smooth, begging to be touched. Aching to have my fingers glide across the clean-shaven skin. His hair was wet from a recent bath, combed and looking perfect. His cheekbones were prominent from his weight loss, making his eyes appear bluer, more striking. More piercing.
Pure heat stared back at me, making my heart stop and my breath catch.
Oh. My.
I couldn’t look away. Only one thought raced through my mind - I need him.
His eyes moved over me slowly, inch by inch, taking his time. Nerve endings flared to life as his gaze traveled down my chest, lingering on my bra before traveling lower.
“What the hell?” He stared at my stomach with disbelief, glancing up at me once before looking back down. I can’t s
ay he looked too happy with what he saw.
I whirled around, suddenly shaking. Not like this! He wasn’t supposed to find out like this! Reaching for his flannel shirt, I hurried to push my arms through the sleeves, frantic to cover myself.
Looking over my shoulder, I rushed to button the shirt. Ryder limped into the room quickly, holding his side and walking straight for me like a man on a mission.
“Ryder, listen to me…” I began, buttoning the last button.
He grabbed my arm and spun me around. A frown crossed his perfectly smooth face. His eyebrows drew together over his hard-edged gaze. Letting go of my arm, his fingers started unbuttoning my shirt, his hands working as fast as possible.
“What are you doing, Ryder?” I asked with a trembling voice, taking a step back.
He didn’t answer but grasped my wrist, pulling me back to him. His eyes stared into mine, sending me a silent message to stand still and be quiet. I usually didn’t listen to him but this time I did.
He went back to working at the buttons, his large hands making short work of the small, round pieces of plastic.
“Ryder, stop,” I pleaded, slapping his hands away.
“Maddie,” he warned, moving my hands out of the way. “Stand still.”
His fingers returned to the last small buttons holding my shirt together.
My heart beat so hard, I was afraid he might hear it. I took a step back. My bottom hit the bed, trapping me between the mattress and Ryder’s hard body. Spreading his legs on either side of me, he kept me prisoner. His hands worked at the last buttons. With three more twist of his fingers, my shirt was unbuttoned.
His eyes moved down to my waist as he pushed the edges of the shirt back. I closed my eyes, squeezing them shut, afraid to see the look on his face when he discovered I was pregnant. He’s going to be pissed. He’s going to be pissed. The sentence wouldn’t stop replaying in my mind, reminding me of the kind of man Ryder once had been. Manwhore. Womanizer. But father? Ryder Delaney didn’t do family or babies. He only did…me.