At his silence, tears clogged my throat but I refused to let him see me cry. Pregnancy hormones are always wreaking havoc with my feelings. One moment I wanted to smile, the next I wanted to cry.
I stuck up my chin and glared at him obstinately.
Letting out a sigh, he walked a few feet away. Leaning over, he picked up my jacket and scarf from the carpeted floor and tossed the bundle to me. I caught them in one hand, staring at him.
“Don’t look at me like that, Maddie. I’m not pushing you away. I want you safe at home,” he said, resigned.
“Whatever,” I said, stuffing my arms through the holes of my jacket. Staring at him, I wrapped the scarf around my neck, pulling it tight as I became angrier. Why I was angry, I have no idea. My emotions were all over the place.
Without waiting, I spun on my heel and walked down the hallway, not caring if he followed me or not.
“Wait!” Ryder snapped, his voice like a shotgun going off in the house.
I stopped and turned around. With two strides he was in front of me, looking forbidden and dangerous as he towered over me. His body blocked me from going anywhere.
I looked up at him, meeting his eyes in the darkness. When he didn’t say anything, I decided I was tired of the silence.
“Just take me home, Ryder,” I said.
Grabbing the back of my head, he jerked me to him. His hand reached down to my stomach, his fingers spreading over my belly as his other hand tangled in my hair.
“Let’s get a few things straight before we go, Maddie. This baby is mine,” he growled, his deep voice rumbling through the darkness. “Your body is mine and your heart is mine. I’ll fight for it and I’ll die for it. Never forget that.”
I parted my lips to tell him where to stuff his ‘mine’ crap but his mouth descended quickly, cutting off any words I was going to say. His hand tightened in my hair as his mouth claimed mine. Despite the coldness in the house, my body warmed again.
Ending the kiss, he pulled back to stare at me. Without another word, he let me go, leaving me standing in the dark hallway. I stood shock-still, feeling like I was falling and couldn’t catch myself.
Being with Ryder was like a roller coaster ride that never ended. There were sharp turns and up and downs. You never knew what was waiting for you around the corner. The ride was bumpy and sometimes rough. One moment you wanted to laugh, the next moment you wanted to scream. But through it all, it was exhilarating and fast-paced. The ride of your life.
And I never wanted to get off.
I ran a tongue over my bottom lip, tasting him on me. For a second I allowed myself to disappear into the happiness of minutes ago - when he held me and said words I would never forget.
A thud came from further in the house. I jerked my head around. I stood alone in the hallway, the darkness of the night wrapping around me. The noise reminded me that months ago evil that had set foot in here. Ryder’s body might have made me forget about the nightmare but it suddenly rushed back, slapping me across the face and leaving me stunned.
I hurried after him, leaving the darkness behind. I found Ryder in the kitchen, lighting a match. I watched as the little stick flared to life, highlighting his face. Beckoning me to him.
Wrapping my arms around my middle, I tried to control my pounding heart, watching as Ryder lit a small candle. A chill ran through me but I don’t know if it was from the dropping temperatures or the terrible memories. There was only one man that could chase both away and he stood feet from me, leaving me hot one moment and cold the next.
Ryder threw the extinguished match on the table, right next to the bottle of vodka. My eyes landed on the photo of us. When we were happy. Together. Kids that didn’t have a care in the world.
He saw it too. My heart thumped as he picked it up. I was afraid he would crumble it in his fist. Rip it to shreds with his strong fingers. Tear it apart with his bare hands. Instead, he looked at me. The candlelight reflected off of his eyes, bouncing off of the blue irises and filling me with longing.
Without taking his eyes off of me, he stuck the picture in the pocket of his jacket, right over his heart. The symbolism wasn’t lost on me but I doubted he knew what he just did.
“You want anything before we leave?” he asked.
My eyes ran over the kitchen, seeing my dad’s things and reminiscing about the past. There was so much I wanted, things I could never have again. My dad. My old life. The death and despair to disappear.
Tears filled my eyes, making everything blurry. Eva was right. Pregnancy was making me very emotional. I’m a blubbering mess! I glanced away from Ryder, not wanting him to see my tears.
“Maddie?” he asked again.
I took a deep breath.
“I want my life back to the way it was,” I mumbled. “When things were simpler. I miss my dad and my friends. I miss college. But more than anything, I miss us, Ryder. I wish we could be just two normal kids again.”
“Two normal kids that aren’t in love?” Ryder asked, flatly. “Is that what you are trying to tell me?”
Oh, damn!
“Ryder, that’s not what I meant.”
“I think it is, Maddie,” he said, walking past me and picking up his duffle bag from the floor. Throwing it on the table, he started packing things into it; extra candles, a few cans of food he had found somewhere, and a small box that I recognized from my mother’s box of keepsakes.
“I’m not sure I can do normal with you but I’m willing to try. Nothing like two best friends with a shitload of lust for each other,” he snarled, picking up the bottle of Vodka. Unscrewing the top, he kept his eyes on me as he brought it to his lips.
I watched as he swallowed the last of the alcohol, looking so sexy that I wanted to kick myself for noticing it.
“Oh, don’t forget about the love part,” he said, slamming the empty bottle back on the table. “Because I love you more than fuckin’ life itself but if you want to do normal, I’ll do normal.”
He slung the duffle bag on his shoulder. After blowing out the candle, he stalked toward me. When he got close enough, he grabbed my upper arm and hauled me across the room.
“Ryder, you have such a way with words,” I said sarcastically, not fighting as he led me toward the door.
“You haven’t seen everything I can do with my mouth yet, Maddie.”
I stopped, my own mouth hanging open. When the corner of his mouth lifted in a half grin that didn’t quite match the coldness in his eyes, I snapped my mouth shut. Irritation erupted in me.
“You know you’re a huge ass,” I said, wanting to hate him but knowing I never could. Calling him names was the next best thing. “I don’t want normal – I want you. But I really want to punch you in the face right now. I’m pregnant and I’m a mess of emotions and I really just want to hurt you.”
“I know you do, baby,” he mumbled. “And you can if it will make you feel better. That’s what I’m here for.”
Opening the back door, he started to pull me outside but ice-cold air hit us, almost knocking me over. Surprised, my eyes sweep over the yard. Moonlight touched on the big snowflakes falling quietly to earth. A light dusting of snow covered the ground, coating everything with whiteness.
“Shit!” Ryder swore, blocking me from the wind with his body. But the cold still found a way in, wrapping around me and running through my thin coat and down my flannel shirt.
Ryder turned and led me back into the house, shutting the door behind him.
“Change of plans,” he answered, letting go of my arm and walking to the table. Putting the duffle bag on the wooden surface, he dug into his jean pocket. A second later, another match flared to life. He lit the candle again, casting the room in a yellow glow.
“What are we going to do?” I asked.
“We’re staying here tonight,” he said, not looking too happy about it. Reaching into the duffle bag, he pulled out a pistol. Pulling back the slide, he checked the chamber to see if it was loaded.
“It’s too cold and I’m not dragging you out in it.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not asking,” he said. Laying the gun on the table, he finally met my eyes. “I’m going to go find your horse and put her in the barn with mine.”
He reached into the duffle bag and withdrew a ball cap. It was one of the ball caps I had bought him the first year I was in college. My heart went pitter-patter, knowing he kept it all this time.
Putting it on, he pulled the brim low, hiding his eyes from me.
“But everyone will be looking for me,” I said. “I need to go back. The only one who knew where I was going is Eva and I swore her to secrecy but when she finds out I’m alone in this weather, she’ll freak.”
He looked at me, his face void of all emotion. He was too good at that.
“They all know where you are. Don’t worry about it,” he said.
I drew my eyebrows together, confused. “What? How?”
Ryder let out a sigh. “Because Cash followed you here. I saw him.”
His words hit me like a bucket of cold water. Not the fact that Cash followed me - that seemed to be a given with him. It was just scary to think that I had been followed without knowing it. If it had been a stranger following me, I might be lying hurt or dead somewhere.
A feeling of unease crept over me at the thought. Terror came back, threatening to pull me under again.
“I’ll be back in a second,” Ryder said, walking past me. Leaving me with a growing sense of panic.
The sound of him walking away left me frigid. I started shaking. First my hands, then my legs. I hate being weak! Snap out of it, I told myself. But I was almost raped in this house. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t let go of my fear.
I massaged my temples with a shaking hand, trying to concentrate on my breathing. It was useless. I started hyperventilating, unable to catch my breath. Panic was setting in.
I never heard Ryder walk back to me. One second I was alone, listening as he walked away. The next, he was beside me again, his warmth surrounding me.
He tilted my chin up, forcing me to focus on him.
“Look at me, Maddie.”
I met his eyes beneath the brim of his hat. The harshness in them was still there but just around the edges I saw concern, worry. For me.
“Breathe,” he whispered, his raspy voice wrapping around me.
I took a deep breath through my nose.
“Again,” he said.
I took another breath, focusing on his face. A sense of calm washed over me. The rapid rise and fall of my chest slowed down as my heart rate returned to normal.
“Better?”
I nodded, feeling the panic dissipate.
He ran his thumb over my lower lip, his eyes following the movement.
“They’re just memories, Maddie. They can’t hurt you. Replace them with the memory of what we just did. How I held you against the wall, your legs wrapped around me.” He stepped closer, his warm fingers moving to cup the back of my neck. “How I told you I loved you more than fucking anything else in this world. Those are the memories I want you to remember.”
Studying me a second longer, he turned and walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone in a house full of memories.
New memories.
Chapter Thirty–One
I stood in the living room, looking at the pile of blankets and pillows on top of the couch. Ryder had slept here for the last few days. Hiding from me. Thinking I didn’t want him around.
With swift movements, I built a fire in the fireplace using sticks and broken branches he had brought in at some point. After a few minutes, flames leaped to life. I poked at the growing fire, watching as sparks rose and disappeared into the chimney.
Glancing into the dark corners of the room, I pulled a blanket tighter around my shoulders. Sitting on the floor, I gripped the fireplace poker tighter. I might have new memories of this house but the old ones still lingered.
I was still staring into the fire when the back door flew open, making me jump. I let out a sigh of relief, the tension in my body disappearing as quickly as it appeared. Ryder’s back. Seconds later, I heard footsteps walking toward me.
“She’s in the barn.”
I glanced up to find Ryder standing above me. His nose and cheeks were red and his ball cap was gone. He stared at the fire a second, watching as the flames danced and leaped. When my stomach growled loudly, he turned his attention to me. Firelight reflected in his eyes as they moved down my body.
“When was the last time you ate?” he asked.
I shrugged, trying to remember what it was like to eat a real meal. A meal that contained all the essential food groups.
“Breakfast?” I answered.
“Shit, Maddie,” he muttered under his breath. Without another word, he turned and walked back to the kitchen. I heard him moving around, his boots heavy against the linoleum floor.
A few minutes later, he came back, this time carrying two cans, a pan, and a stainless steel container of water. Sitting next to the fireplace, he placed the pan near the flames. Opening the first can with a pocketknife, he emptied Spam into the pan and cut it into small pieces. Next, he opened a can of potatoes and emptied it into the pan. Sitting back on his heels, he watched the food heat up.
The flames danced over his face, highlighting his profile. The muscles of his shoulders bulged as he leaned over to stir the makeshift meal. Beneath his shirt I could see the outline of his biceps, the same muscles that had held me pressed against the wall.
He glanced over at me, catching me staring at him. Setting the pocketknife down, he faced me.
“I want you to know that I never left you, Maddie. I stayed close, keeping an eye on you. Everyone knew where I was. Just not you.”
“Everyone knew?” I asked, stunned.
Ryder nodded, watching me closely.
“Gavin?”
Ryder looked back at the fire. “He found me right after I left. Hell, he knew where I would be. It’s where I always went when I was pissed - your house. We exchanged words and a few threats. He told me why he kissed you. I explained what I would do if he tried again.”
“Did Eva know where you were?”
“Yeah. I told her before I left.”
Okay, that hurt. Eva always told me everything. No secrets - that was our rule.
“She told me she didn’t know,” I said, drawing my eyebrows together. “She was really pissed at you.”
He scoffed. “She was spitting mad. I threatened her within an inch of her life if she told you. Brody was about ready to gag her to keep her quiet.”
“That explains why they were fighting,” I said. No one threatened to gag Eva. That was the biggest mistake ever. It became clearer why nobody had been concerned about Ryder’s whereabouts. They knew from the beginning where he was. But why didn’t they tell me?
“Here. Eat,” Ryder said, placing the pan on the floor in front of me.
I glanced down at the food and suddenly didn’t have an appetite.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I asked, ignoring the food in front of me.
“Leave it alone, Maddie,” he mumbled. “Eat.”
When he shut me down like that, it just made me furious. I picked up a fork and stabbed at a piece of Spam. I chewed it a few times before forcing the food down my throat, feeling as if I was eating lead. But somehow I managed to eat half of the meal. Maybe because I was so blooming mad that I didn’t think about what I was doing.
Pushing the pan away, I scooted closer to him, wanting to get as close as possible so I could slap him. Or punch him. Either would work.
“Why did you leave, Ryder? I know I told you to but it was just my emotions talking. I never expected you to go. Why did you?” I whispered, staring at him as he watched the fire, his arms dangling between his knees.
He stayed quiet, just staring straight ahead. When it became obvious that he wasn’t going to talk to me, I started to get up but he stopped me
, reaching out and grabbing my wrist.
Tugging me to him, he pulled me into his lap. I went willingly, wrapping my legs around him. He ran his hands up my thighs, stopping at my hips.
“Because I had to,” he said in a hoarse voice.
I saw him swallow hard. His eyes looked deep into mine. This time he didn’t try to hide his emotions. They were all there, laid out for me to see.
“You should hate me, Maddie, for everything. Every time I called you, drunk off my ass. Every bruise or bloody nose you had to doctor. You should hate me for every woman I tried to replace you with. I regret all of it.”
His hands left my hips to cradle my face, turning my face up to his.
“I’m not good enough for you. I never have been. My leaving proves it. I take after my real mom, just a lost cause. I was just so fucking jealous because Gavin is so goddamn perfect and you are…” He took a deep breath. “You’re my life and I don’t want to lose you. I’m afraid that one day you will wake up and realize what a piece of shit I am.”
“Ryder, you’re not a piece of shit…”
He shook his head, interrupting me. “When I found out Gavin kissed you, I saw red. I exploded. I wanted to tear him to pieces. You were mine, Maddie. Mine,” he said, his eyes burning. “That feeling scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I just wanted you.”
“I’m still yours, Ryder.”
“I know. Hell, I know,” he whispered, running a hand down to my stomach, touching my roundness. “I never should have left but there’s more to it than that.”
“Then tell me.”
“These damn nightmares won’t go away. I wake up at night sweating, unable to catch my breath. I see men whipping me till I bleed. I dream that I’m dying and trying to get to you but I never do,” he said, his last words a whisper. “I can’t reach you or our baby. I see you. I hear you, but then they shoot me and I die.”
His words sent pain rushing through me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
Another woman might have walked away from Ryder. They might have given up on him long ago. But I wasn’t one of those women and Ryder wasn’t any man. He was the man that had been beside me all along, sitting back and letting me live my life while he watched from the sidelines. He was rough around the edges. A man that would rather cuss a blue streak than give a compliment. A man that threw a punch and asked questions later. He didn’t love easily but when he did, he did it with everything he had.