But there was something else growing as well. Along with the hunger in her he also felt…desire. Even outright lust. Which complicated things a hell of a lot. He remembered what Sylvan had said—that as time went on Elise would need deeper and more intense touching and that things might have to turn sexual between them. The thought made his cock hard and the mating fist at its base swell with desire…until he remembered the stark fear in her eyes the night he’d come into the room and frightened her half to death. Her body might be in heat but her mind most certainly was not and that led to a whole new set of problems—problems he couldn’t ignore if he wanted to keep her alive.
He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to frighten her or scar her anymore than she’d already been scarred. But he didn’t want to watch her die, either. And the hollows around her lovely brown eyes told him she was headed downhill. Something had to be done and fast—but what?
At last meal—rehydrated food cubes which they shared, eating across from each other at the tiny fold-out table in the living area—Merrick held an inner debate with himself. He was trying to decide how to work things out, how to give Elise what she needed without making her hate him.
Obviously what needed to happen was for both of them to get naked in the bed and just touch—skin to skin, flank to flank, chest to chest—probably for the entire night. That might be enough to get her through without turning sexual—although how the hell he could hold her naked in his arms and not show any signs of how much he wanted her was beyond Merrick.
And of course there was the problem of getting Elise to agree to try this in the first place. He was fairly sure she was still frightened of him—a holdover from her flashback. So he could hardly strip her naked and hold her down. Even if every instinct inside him didn’t rebel against the idea, he still wouldn’t have done it. He didn’t want her to hate him. But what if it was a choice between that and watching her die? What if—
“You seem to be thinking awfully hard about something over there.” Elise stirred her Grieza worms—a delicacy from Twin Moons—with her fork as she spoke. She’d been reluctant to try them at first but after a single bite, she’d showed a pretty good appetite. There were only a few worms left on her plate but the troubled look in her eyes said she wouldn’t be eating them. “Are you thinking about Rageron?” she asked him. “Do you have family there?”
“No to the first question and yes to the second.” Merrick sighed. “You want to know the truth, I’m thinking about you.”
“Me?” Elise’s eyebrows raised and he heard the instant defensiveness in her voice. Great, he was definitely in for a battle. “Why would you be thinking about me?”
“Because you’re starving to death,” Merrick said bluntly, tired of beating around the bush. Fuck small talk—they needed to get this out in the open.
She pushed her plate away. “But I’m so full I can’t eat another bite. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“The hell you don’t.” He glared at her. “I can feel it. Here.” He pounded himself on the chest with his fist. “We’re connected by the bond, remember? And I don’t care if it’s fake—it still works the same way. I know what you need and you’re not getting it.” He leaned closer to her, holding her eyes with his. “You’re not getting it because you’re not taking it.”
“I…we…” Her hand fluttered to her chest. “We hold hands every night—just like you said Sylvan told you to do.”
“He said to touch you at night to make the days easier, not that we should only hold hands,” Merrick pointed out. “That was my idea, after that one night when you had your nightmare.”
She lifted her chin but didn’t address the emphasis he’d put on the word. “It seems to be working fine though. I don’t really see the problem.”
Finally Merrick lost all patience. “The problem is you’re fucking dying!” he roared, pounding the table hard enough to make their dishes rattle. “And I’m not going to let you sit by and commit suicide because you’re too scared to take what you need!”
“What do you know about what I need?” Elise shouted back, surprising him. “What the hell do you know about anything?”
Merrick narrowed his eyes. “I know a hell of a lot more than you’d like, sweetheart. I know that the hunger has changed. It’s more intense now…more sexual.”
Elise’s face went white as a sheet. “You…how would you know that?”
“I can smell it on you.” Merrick inhaled deeply, illustrating his point. “How hot you are, how much you need to come…” He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Look, there’s no shame in it, baby. Sylvan said this might happen. That you might need—”
“I don’t need anything like…like that.” Elise’s voice was high and brittle. “I don’t…I’m not like that. Not that kind of girl.”
“It has nothing to do with what kind of female you are.” Merrick tried to keep the exasperation out of his voice. “It’s about feeding the hunger before it starves you to death.”
“But I’m fine…fine,” Elise insisted.
“You’ll take me down with you if you go. You know that, right?” He looked down at his own half finished dinner. “The way the bond is placed, if one of us dies, we both die.”
“I…oh.” Elise suddenly seemed to shrink in on herself. “I guess…guess I forgot about that. I’m so sorry, Merrick,” she whispered.
He felt his heart contract. At least she still cared a little. “I figured you might’ve,” he said roughly. “And I’m sorry I shouted at you. I’ve just been…really fucking worried these last few days.”
Elise bit her lip. “I…I have too,” she admitted at last. “These feelings…they’re frightening because they’re unusual. I don’t normally…I never feel this way.”
Merrick looked at her in disbelief. “What, you’ve never been horny?”
She shook her head, a bit primly he thought. “No, of course not. I’m always too busy worrying about work or James or…I don’t know. Anything but that, I guess.”
Merrick shook his head. “When you told me you and that idiot fiancé of yours didn’t have sex, I could believe that. But are you honestly telling me you never touch yourself either?”
“James and I are waiting because James respects my wishes,” she said. “And no, I never, er, touch myself. I don’t need to.”
You might need to tonight, he thought but didn’t say it aloud. It was obvious that the idea of sex—even self-sex—made Elise intensely uncomfortable and defensive. Better to keep things low key and non-threatening if he could.
“All right,” he said at last. “Leaving all that out of it, the fact is I need to touch you.”
“I know,” she said in a small voice. And the sudden fear blooming behind her eyes was enough to make his heart twist.
“That’s going to be a problem, isn’t it?” he asked, his throat tight. “Like it was the other night? The night you got so upset?” He wasn’t going to mention her “nightmare” again if he could help it.
She nodded, a quick, terse jerk of her head. “It might be.”
Merrick frowned. “Then how can we do this? How can I touch you without freaking you out again? How can—” He snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. “I’ve got it!” He looked at her plate where she was still toying with the last few worms. “You finished?”
She nodded. “Yes. Why?”
“Come with me.” Merrick held out a hand to her and watched as she struggled to take it. It hurt his heart to see the indecision in her eyes—the longing warring with fear. Finally, she slipped her small, cool fingers through his and nodded.
“All right. Let’s go.”
* * * * *
Merrick led her into the bedroom they’d been sharing the entire flight and went to one of the storage cupboards on the wall. “Here.”
Elise looked down at the slender metal hoops he’d handed to her. Her heart was still trying to pound its way out of her chest as she wondered what he had in mind. “What a
re these?” she asked blankly.
“Shock cuffs.”
“What?” She frowned at him. He was standing in the middle of the room undressing in a way that made her nervous and hot at the same time. God, he had the most amazingly muscular chest she’d ever seen. She remembered being pressed against it—against him—and wished she could do that again without fear. Without the bad memories in the vault coming out to play. She never felt this way when she saw James with his shirt off…but maybe now wasn’t the best time to think of her fiancé.
“Shock cuffs,” he repeated patiently, breaking her train of thought.
“Okay…” The words meant nothing to her.
“They’re top of the line.” He toed off his boots and tossed them in the corner along with his discarded t-shirt. “They don’t cause any lasting damage but when you put them on someone they deliver a hell of a jolt if they try to get loose.” He flashed her a grin. “Good way to keep somebody in place, you know?”
“What?” Elise felt all the blood drain from her face as she considered the slender silver rings in a whole new light. “But that’s horrible! Why do you even have these?”
He shrugged, his massive bare shoulders rolling with the gesture. “I do a bit of bounty hunting from time to time along with scavenging and smuggling. They tend to come in handy.”
“And you…you want to put them on me?” Elise shook her head and began backing away from him. “No, Merrick. No, absolutely not. I can’t… I won’t…”
“Hey, whoa…hold on.” He was in the act of unbuckling his belt but he stopped and came toward her, hands held out entreatingly. “Those aren’t for you, baby—they’re for me.”
“What?” Elise was almost as appalled as when she’d thought the cuffs were meant for her. “You want me to chain you down and shock you?”
“I want you to feel safe.” Merrick sighed and ran a hand over his skull-cut hair. “Look, it just came to me a minute ago—I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. I kept thinking I had to touch you in order to keep you healthy, to feed the hunger. But then it occurred to me.”
“What occurred to you?” Elise asked impatiently.
“That you could touch me instead. Think about it, Elise—you need skin-to-skin contact with me, that’s all. But it doesn’t have to be me making the contact, not if it makes you uncomfortable. Not if it brings back bad memories…or nightmares.”
Finally what he was saying began to sink in. I could touch him. Of course, why didn’t I think of that? But she knew the answer to that one—it was because she’d been trying so hard not to think of him that way. Trying not to think of anything even remotely sexual.
“I…I don’t know,” she murmured, biting her lip. “How…how exactly would we do it? Uh, this…how would we do this?” she corrected hastily.
“Simple. I’ll strip and lay on the bed. You cuff my hands behind my back and then get undressed yourself. Then touch me as much as you want. Until you feel completely satisfied.” He raised his eyebrows at her. “Got it?”
Sudden pictures filled her head, images of her touching him everywhere, doing things she shouldn’t, being a bad girl, a naughty girl… Her hands itched to stroke every inch of his hard, muscular body and her pussy had never felt so wet and hot, but her mind was frozen by fear.
“Elise?” he said, making her name a question.
“I…” She licked her lips with a tongue that felt like sandpaper. “I understand what you’re suggesting but I…I’m not sure…”
“It doesn’t have to be sexual, baby,” he murmured. Ducking his head, he caught her eyes and held her gaze with his own. “Not if you don’t want it to be. It can just be about touching. About taking what you want—what you need—without being afraid that I’ll touch back. Because I won’t be able to—not with those on.” He nodded at the cuffs in her hand and gave her a small smile. “What do you say?”
The hunger snarled inside her like a starving animal but still she hesitated. “Would…would I have to be naked too?”
Merrick gave her a steady look. “You know the answer to that. We need as much skin-to-skin contact as possible. Anything less isn’t going to cut it.”
“I know,” she said in a small voice. “It’s just…I’m shy. I…I know you’ve seen me naked before but—”
“Blindfold me,” Merrick suggested softly. “Cuff me down and blindfold me. Then do whatever you want…whatever you need.”
Elise looked at him uncertainly. “You’d let me make you helpless like that? You’d trust me that much?”
He sighed. “You can be fucking sure it’s not an offer I’d extend to anybody else in the whole Goddess-damned universe. But, yeah baby. I trust you.”
The hunger snarled again and she made a decision. “All right.” She nodded. “Let’s do it.”
Chapter Fourteen
There was some discussion about which way he should be lying on the big bed. Her first thought was to have him on his back but that felt too threatening somehow. Part of it was how massive he was, even in repose. And part was the fact that his semi-erect shaft was put on display in a very disconcerting way. Elise tried, but she found it difficult not to look at. It was so long and thick…God, how did he even use that thing? It was more like a Billy club than a cock, which made her glad they weren’t doing anything but touching tonight. But despite her misgivings, she kept wondering what it would feel like in her hand, if it was as hot and as hard and solid as it looked.
Merrick obviously saw the way her eyes kept returning to his shaft. It seemed to harden and lengthen the more she looked at it. “Sorry about that,” he muttered, shrugging. “It’s been awhile. And you’re fucking gorgeous—I can’t help reacting.”
“I…I don’t mind,” Elise lied. “But, well, maybe if you lay on your side instead…”
That seemed to work better. She could still see his erect shaft, but it was mostly hidden by his thighs. And with his hands cuffed behind his back, he seemed much less threatening somehow. She was sure having him in this position wouldn’t bring up any unwanted memories.
Before she undressed, Elise went around behind him and tied on the blindfold—the black sash of a silky black and red robe one of the girls from the Mother Ship had given her for her trip. It covered Merrick’s eyes pretty well, though she thought he might be able to peek out a little from under the bottom edge which was mostly lace. Still, it gave the illusion that he was unable to see and Elise found that made her feel much more at ease than if he’d been blatantly staring at her. She finished by arranging a pillow under his head to make sure he was comfortable.
“There.” She stepped back at last, examining her handiwork. Merrick looked a sight. Naked, lying on his side with his arms bound behind his back and his eyes blindfolded, it was as though he was a hostage she had taken. A prisoner, helpless despite his size and strength.
It looked kinky but it wasn’t, not really. It was about his desire to help her, to give her what she needed without frightening her. Once more Elise felt touched that he would offer her this level of trust. She wondered if he’d ever allowed anyone else to make him this helpless and knew he had not. He cares, she realized. Really cares. And I don’t think it’s just the artificial bond…or not all of it, anyway.
“Not to rush you or anything, but I’m ready when you are,” Merrick rumbled and she realized she’d been just standing there, staring at him for a full minute.
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Quickly she began to disrobe. The dress she was wearing was loose and simple, easy to slip out of. What wasn’t so easy was what came next—taking off her bra and panties. Elise looked again at the edge of black lace on the bottom of the blindfold. Was Merrick watching her? “Can you see me?” she asked uncertainly.
“I can smell you,” he growled softly, not answering the question. “I can smell your sweet heat from over here. You need this baby, so stop worrying and come take it.”
Elise decided to do as he said. Quickly and decisively, she pulled off her lacy whi
te bra and panties and dropped them in a little heap on the floor. Then, though it was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, she crawled naked onto the bed with him.
She wasn’t sure what to do at first—how to touch him. She thought about hugging him but she was shy about starting with such an intimate embrace. The idea of pressing her naked body to his made her nervous and also incredibly hot. Then it came to her—start at the top and work down.
She’d always wanted to touch his head, she realized. To feel the prickly black stubble of his skull-cut hair. Lightly, she ran her hand over it, enjoying the warmth of his scalp, the roughness of his hair against her palm.
Merrick shivered and she drew back at once. “I’m sorry. Is that okay?”
“Fine,” he assured her, his voice slightly hoarse. “I just wasn’t expecting it. But go on, baby. Touch me however you want—I don’t mind.”
The warmth and reassurance in his deep voice gave her courage to try again. Scooting a little closer, Elise ran a hand over his head again and then let her fingers trail down one rough cheek. She was pretty sure that he shaved often but she had never seen him without a beard shadow—it must grow fast.
She turned her attention to the rest of his face. His features were blunt…solid, as though carved out of granite, yet they felt soft and mobile beneath her hands. She ran a finger down the bridge of his nose and over his lips, which were surprisingly full and sensual for a man.
To her surprise, Merrick kissed her fingertip, prompting her to linger there. When she didn’t move, he parted his lips for her—an obvious invitation. What did he want? Elise wasn’t sure until he sucked her finger gently into his mouth. She gasped in surprise but didn’t pull away. The warm, wet suction seemed to do something to her, especially when she felt him bathing her finger softly with his tongue. What was he trying to show her? How he would kiss other parts of her body if he got the chance?