We caught a bus to the maternity hospital in town, Zoe leading the way. I went along because I had no idea of what else to do. I almost walked back out as soon as we stepped through those doors. The heat, the smell, and the amount of waddling fat ladies—it was all too much. I couldn’t breathe.
Zoe squeezed my hand. “It’s okay. We’re just making an appointment.”
“I can’t do this,” I whimpered. “I’m literally freaking out because of all of the pregnant women.”
“Cara.” She gripped my shoulders and gave me a stern look. “You’re one of them.”
I hung my head. “I know. I just don’t want to be.”
She hesitated, obviously frustrated. “Come on. Let’s find out where we have to go.”
We had to queue up amongst pregnant women waiting for their appointments. Some of them looked blissfully happy, but others seemed depressed. Most of them looked uncomfortable or exhausted. One red-faced woman looked ready to pop, though she was already pushing a screeching toddler around in a buggy.
I blew out a breath as I reached the top of the queue. A woman behind the counter asked me a number of questions, her perfectly manicured fingers flying across the keyboard as she set up my file. Making the appointment was easy, but I couldn’t even tell them when I had gotten pregnant. The dates were way too confusing. I returned to Zoe with a hospital card and an appointment.
She stood, her eyes bright with excitement. “Done?”
“Yeah, it’s…” I scanned the appointment card. “Um, in four weeks.”
“Good! That’s really good. My cousin said she was waiting for—”
“Let’s just get out of here. I need to get a job.”
She followed me out of the hospital without another word. We passed pregnant women smoking outside the main doors. A part of me judged, while another part sneered that at least they wanted their babies.
Zoe took me to a nearby cafe. “I need a coffee to steady the ol’ nerves.”
I giggled. “I need a whiskey for that.”
“Banned. No coffee, either.”
“No life,” I added. “No money, no fun, no freedom.”
“That’s what the lovin’ costs,” she managed to say with a straight face.
We got our drinks and took a seat at an empty table.
Zoe gave me a sheepish look. “I told Mam where we were heading today.”
“You told her?” My hands flew up to my mouth. “What did you do that for? I’m not ready for people to know. I don’t even know what I’m going to do yet!”
“She’s going to notice the bump eventually. And I’m sorry, but I needed to talk about it to somebody. She won’t tell anyone. Don’t worry. She’s surprised, but she’s not going to make you leave.”
Maybe knowing what a mother thought would help. “What did she say?”
She grinned. “First, she said she thought you had more sense. Then, she said she hopes this makes you happy.” Her smile fell. “You’ve been pretty miserable since you came back.”
I gazed at the cup of green tea in front of me. “I know. I’m sorry I’ve complicated everything for you. I just miss… you know.” But she didn’t know. Not really. This had to be my fresh start. I looked her in the eye. “I’ll pay rent. Tell Angela that I won’t sponge off her. I’ll find my own place as soon as I can.”
“You need a job first.”
“Don’t remind me. I think it’s pretty impressive just how much I’ve fucked up my life,” I said. “I mean, I’ve lost my family, my job, my place at college, and the father of my child. I’m on a freaking roll here. I should win some kind of epic failure award.”
“Hey, you still have me.”
“I used to wish for your drama back. When things got bad and dangerous, I would think of our nights out, of the arguments with Darren and stupidly walking in the cold late at night. I missed you so much.”
“Then why didn’t you come home? I don’t understand where you’ve been, Cara.”
I sighed. “I couldn’t find my way. And I had something I needed to do. I can’t believe I’ve been pregnant this entire time. You couldn’t even guess what’s been happening.”
“So tell me. Tell me something. At least tell me what happened to your shoulder and calf. They looked nasty the first night. And you were thin before, but you came back ridiculously lean and fit. Jen next-door hired a trainer for the summer, and she got nowhere close to your figure.”
I smiled. I doubted Jen Next-Door would have enjoyed the kind of diet I had been on.
“Come on,” Zoe coaxed. “How did you get hurt?”
“They’re barely scars now.” I gave her a wry smile. “I’d love to tell you, but you would think I was completely insane, at best. And I’d like you to not know some of the things I had to do.”
She was silent for a long time. “Tell me one true thing.”
I frowned. I could do that. One thing. I thought of the journey I made to the Fade and back again, of all of the creatures I had come across, of all of the dangers I had faced, of the lives I had willingly taken. I had been through so much. It was a little hard to believe it had all happened less than a month ago. I wished I could see them all again, to know that everyone was safe. To know that Líle had shaken off the effects of the Hauntings, that Anya had made it to the Miacha and survived being speared.
I cleared my throat. “I fell off a horse and rolled down a hill. I didn’t know I was pregnant then, obviously.”
She stared at me. “What the fuck kind of people were you hanging around with?”
If only she knew. If only I could forget.
Chapter Three
Alone in Zoe’s room, I turned the card the doctor had given me over in my hands. It listed a crisis number, but I couldn’t bear the thought of actually talking to someone about what I was feeling. Zoe was my best friend, but even she sometimes looked at me as if I were a monster for even considering not keeping the baby. It wasn’t as if it was even a baby yet. I squeezed my eyes shut as a flash of violet eyes came to me. Drake was haunting me. I would never see him again, but a baby meant I would never forget him.
A website address was on the back of the card. Maybe that would help. I turned on Zoe’s laptop and typed in the URL.
I read an article about picturing the perfect life. Did a baby fit into it? I sat back and tried to imagine my idea of bliss. I shivered as I realised that would probably be me back in the faery realm without the worries of the human world. One touch from Drake and everything would feel so much better.
Shaking my head, I clicked through article after article. Abortion details made me squirm, adoption was a definite no-go, and the idea of raising a faery baby made me feel as though I were having a panic attack. I would never win.
The name “Brighid” caught my eye. Curious, I clicked on a story about St. Brighid performing a miraculous abortion, removing an unwanted pregnancy as if it never happened with just a few words. How easy life would be if mistakes could be erased so effortlessly. Brighid was the goddess of fertility. I wondered what she would think of my pregnancy. I wondered what Drake would think if he knew.
And a part of me already knew what I had to do.
***
As I dressed for my first appointment, I stared at my stomach in Zoe’s full-length mirror. Turning to the side for a better look, I made a face. Was that a bump? An actual shape?
Shrugging off the thought, I finished getting ready and headed downstairs. Zoe’s mother stood in the kitchen with a cup of tea, a wrinkle marring her smooth forehead.
“Hey, Angela,” I said, feeling awkward. “Um, I didn’t know you were going to be here today. How’s the new job?”
“Good. Great, actually. It’s been refreshing, you know, getting back out there after all of these years.” She put down her cup and smiled at me. “All set?”
“Looks like it.” I rubbed my wrist. “Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you myself. I swear I didn’t know I was pregnant when I came here.”
“I can’t say it didn’t come as a surprise, but you’re no trouble. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need. You’ve been a friend to Zoe for a long time. She needs to be a friend to you right now, so let her.”
“But I can’t depend on her forever. Don’t worry. I’m going to find a place soon. I’ll be out of the way.”
“And Zoe will go with you.” She sighed. “You need to see your mother, Cara. She’ll want to be there for you.”
“She couldn’t be there when it counted.”
“So she’s run out of chances? Is that what you’re telling yourself?”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just kept my mouth shut.
“I don’t know your mother well, but I know what it’s like to be the parent of a child who would like nothing better than to run away from you. She would love to feel involved, even if it’s only in a small way.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I mean… I’m not cut out for motherhood. I’m a disaster.”
“We’re all disasters. We all make mistakes. I can’t tell you everything is going to be okay. All I can do is tell you about my experience, how something truly wonderful helped me forget about how miserable the rest of my life was. Having Zoe kept me going. She needed me, so I never quite gave up on her father because I thought having both parents around was the ideal family, a perfect life for her.”
“That’s not how she tells it,” I blurted. I slapped my hand over my mouth. “Oh, Angela, I’m so sorry. I—”
She shook her head. “I know how Zoe feels. When her father left, she blamed me, but for the first time, I was free. She doesn’t see how I’ve been changing, but I’ve been suffocated my entire life, and now I’m finally learning how to be myself. No matter what happens, no matter what we all go through, it’s never too late to find a way to like ourselves.”
I stared at her in surprise. That was probably the most I had ever heard her speak.
Zoe flounced into the room, mumbling about hospital appointment cards and urine samples. She looked up and saw both of us standing there. “Good, you’re ready. The bus comes every few minutes, so we’ve plenty of time to get there early. You should eat before we leave.”
I turned toward the door. “No time. We need to be in and out of there as quickly as possible so I can make it to my next shift at work.” I had found part-time work in a cafe. It wasn’t enough, but it would have to do.
I was terrified to tell my boss that I was pregnant. I had already dealt with the police, who had threatened to charge me with wasting their time and resources for making everyone think I had gone missing. I was slowly ticking boxes, preparing for a brand new fae-free life—except for the baby I still had no idea what to do with. Everyone kept encouraging me to embrace motherhood, but I was such a fuck-up that even the thought of having anything to do with influencing a child made me break out in hives.
“At this stage, it’s very easy for your blood sugar to drop,” Angela said.
“Come on,” Zoe coaxed. “You must be hungry. Please?”
I smiled. “Maybe I’ll eat something on the way, Ma.”
Zoe looked happier. “Whatever. I’m looking forward to this. Sometimes you get to see the baby.”
I sighed. “Really?”
“Yeah, it’s not a big scan or anything, but it’s something.” She caught on to the look on my face and cleared her throat. “Um, we should get going.”
“Good luck,” Angela said.
I still hadn’t reconciled myself with the fact I was pregnant. I couldn’t accept it. It didn’t seem right, and it didn’t feel right, so I kept acting as though it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t escape the hospital appointment, though, not with Zoe around to remind me every five seconds.
We took a bus to the hospital. The place was packed with baby-bumps and children and awkward-looking men who stood along the walls as if they hoped to be forgotten. I sat in the queue next to Zoe. She held my hand for support, but I wasn’t worried. I was unfeeling. I had swallowed any emotion I might have had. All of that practice had come in handy.
First, I saw a midwife and had go through my medical history, of which there was little. The questions about the father were awkward, mostly because of me. When she asked me if he was foreign, I stuttered for a moment. He was Irish, technically, but he was definitely foreign. And no, I didn’t know if he had any history of seizures or heart conditions or anything about him really. He was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.
By the time the midwife finished with me, I was wiped. But there was still a long way to go. In the bloods room, I almost fainted. That was kind of comical. I had been bitten by the fenris, shot with an arrow—twice—seen and felt the blood of the dying, and covered in other people’s lifeblood. Yet I got weak at the sight of a needle piercing my vein.
The nurse joked with Zoe as she handed me a fizzy drink. She had seen it all before, apparently. “Drink up,” she told me. “Don’t want you falling on the floor when you leave here.”
I did as she said and thought of the Miacha. They had truly cared. One had even congratulated me. Idiot me thought she meant something about having a king again, but they had known I was pregnant. No wonder they had been so horrified at me riding a horse like Dubh “in my condition.” The things that made sense later… hindsight really was twenty-twenty.
The queue for the doctor was long. I wanted to scream as we approached. After all of the freedom of a journey in the Fae realm, there I was, stuck in a life of routine and ritual all over again. Two doors stood in front of our rows of seats. In one was the experienced doctor, the leader of the team. In the other was most likely a student. Some women waited longer for the main doctor, but I just wanted to get out of there.
Zoe started flipping through a book of baby names she pulled from her bag. “What about Minerva?”
“Are you freaking kidding me right now?”
She shrugged. “It was just a suggestion.”
“No, I meant the book!”
She held it up. “I bought it for you.”
“I’m so not ready for names, Zoe.”
She mumbled something I didn’t catch and turned the page. “Ooh, Morgan. I’m keeping that one. You can’t have it.”
I blew my fringe off my forehead.
“Your baby can’t have the same initial as mine. How does Niamh sound?”
I sent a death stare her way until she took the hint and shut the up. When my turn came, I willingly stepped into the junior doctor’s room. She wasn’t Irish either, and somehow that was comforting. She spoke softly; I barely heard her when she asked me to lie on the table. She felt my abdomen with capable hands, measuring my womb, then she squirted clear jelly on my bare stomach. I wanted to curl up away from it, but she worked it all over.
“A scan?” Zoe couldn’t hide her excitement.
The doctor smiled for the first time. “You won’t see much, not at this stage.”
She pulled the machine closer. It looked ancient, but something was happening on screen. She moved a white instrument all over my stomach, and the grainy picture moved with it.
I cleared my throat. “I, um, didn’t know I was pregnant, and I—”
“Plenty of women drink or smoke before realising they’re pregnant,” she said, but she was frowning at the screen. “Most suffer no ill effects.”
“No, I was more… adventurous. Like horse-riding, rock-climbing, stuff like that. I fell. Had some injuries.”
Bomp, bomp, bomp! The loud, fast sound filled the room.
“What the hell is that?” I asked in a panic.
“The heartbeat,” Zoe whispered in awe.
“Nice and strong.” The doctor nodded as if satisfied. “How many weeks do you think you are?”
“I have no idea,” I said truthfully.
“Hmm.” She pointed at the screen. “See this movement here? It’s the heart beating.” She traced a line with her finger. “And this is your baby.”
I stared at th
e screen, stunned. For the first time, I thought of the being inside of me as an actual baby. The heartbeat was hard and strong, never faltering.
“Wow,” I said. “She’s fighting for it.”
“She?” The doctor sounded amused.
“It just came out,” I said.
“Sometimes instincts are right. I’m confused by the dating. The measurements are off.”
I raised my head a little. “Is she… I mean, is it okay? Is there something wrong?”
“Wrong?” She shook her head, but she was staring at the screen as if puzzled by something.
Zoe’s hand in mine flinched, and I realised how tight I was holding it.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
Zoe was mesmerized by the screen. I didn’t blame her. It was all kinds of awesome.
I couldn’t make out much, but that heartbeat said everything to me. The baby wanted to live. The kid deserved a chance, whether it was right for me and the rest of the world or not. And once I started thinking that, I couldn’t go back. “I kind of… didn’t think of her… it… as a baby before. More like… an alien. Or a parasite.”
“Cara!” Zoe sounded horrified.
“That’s normal.” The doctor handed me some blue paper tissue to clean off the jelly. “It’s kind of a miracle when you think about it. You created a person inside of you. Only you can provide for that person until they leave your body. And yes, they are a little parasitical. They will take the best from you, so make sure you’re eating well. You look a little thin.”
“She’s been stressed,” Zoe confided.
The doctor nodded. “No wonder. It’s a shocking change to be in charge of your own body one moment and have to share it the next.”
I bit down on my laughter. She had basically described Drake and Brendan.
She patted my arm. “But women do it every day. There are plenty of people out there who know exactly what you’re going through.” She gave my stomach one last glance before I covered myself. “Go back outside and make an appointment for a full scan. That’s the one with the pictures. That’s when it starts feeling real.” She hesitated. “I’m going to recommend they bump you on the queue and give you an early scan. There’s no reason to worry, but if, for whatever reason, we can’t… see everything, we like to be more thorough.”