Older brothers are the worst. Well, some of the time. Roy's actually not that bad – there's less than two years between us and we used to hang out together a lot. When we were little, people even used to joke about us being twins. But six months ago he told Mom and Dad he's gay and since then he has been one major suckfest PITA. Or maybe suck-face PITA...although I'm not even sure I want to think about pains in the ass and Roy together.
Because the reason Roy got up the nerve to come out to the 'rents is because he has a boyfriend. Does he ever. Jordan. Tall, athletic, perfect Jordan who always says the right thing and does the right thing. Even his hair is always perfect. I can't stand the guy.
And he's always around these days.
It's my own house. You'd think I could get a freaking glass of milk out of the refrigerator without tripping over Jordan, but no. There he is, actually putting peanut butter on bread with a knife, instead of eating it out of the jar with the spoon like a normal guy. He says his parents were shocked and surprised when he came out to them at the early age of thirteen, but if so they have to be the most unobservant people on the planet. He irons his shirts, for God's sake. You'd think they'd have had a clue.
But people can be pretty damned blind.
I shoved Jordan out of the way to open the fridge. Just to freak him out a bit, I pulled out the milk carton and drank from it without bothering with a glass. He didn't have to know that I'd never do that if it wasn't almost empty. I got a lot of satisfaction out of his loud “Ewww.”
A hard palm landed on the side of my head. “Colby, you're disgusting.” Roy took the carton out of my hand, finished the last mouthful himself and then grinned at Jordan. “Now all I need is some peanut butter to go with that.”
Jordan took a big, deliberate bite of his bread, swallowed, then set it on the counter, and turned to let Roy kiss him. Kiss him long and slow. With tongue.
My turn to be obliged to say, “Ewww.” I covered my eyes. “Let me know when you're done sucking face, okay? So I can find the chips.”
There was a muffled, “Mph,” and then Jordan said, “Sorry, Colby. It was all your brother's fault.”
I could hear the grin in his voice, so I didn't bother to uncover my eyes. Sure enough, more kissing noises.
“You know what,” I said grumpily. “Don't let me interrupt you. I'll come back later.” I stomped out and went up to my room.
I'd had a half hour to mess around online and get in a better mood before there was a knock on my door. “Colby? Can I come in?”
“I guess.”
Roy opened the door a little tentatively, but dropped on the end of my bed with his usual thump. For a skinny guy, he sure moves the furniture around.
“Go ahead, break the damned bed.”
“It hasn't ever broken before.”
“No thanks to you, you gorilla. Where's your better half?”
“He had to go to piano class.”
Did I mention Jordan plays piano? Not geeky classical either, but jazz piano. Really good jazz piano.
Roy sat further onto the foot of the bed, leaned against the wall and drew his feet up on my comforter. He put his arms around his knees and looked at me. His eyes were thoughtful and a little sad, but I ignored him, clicked my laptop to the next page, and concentrated on the screen. Eventually he said, “Can I talk to you?”
“Can't stop you.” I snorted at the joke I'd found, not looking at him at all.
“Right.” Another long silence. Then he said, “Does it really bother you that much, me being with Jordan?”
“Depends on what you mean by bother. Having you two making out in my freaking space every time I turn around is not my idea of a good time.”
“You know we can't go to his place. His mom hates me.”
It was true. Jordan might be hideously perfect but his family left a lot to be desired. I said he came out to them at thirteen. I didn't say they took it well. Basically they reached a truce. If he never mentioned it again, they wouldn't throw him out of the house. He was counting the days to graduation. Which made me a real asshole for wanting them to take the PDAs elsewhere but... “You have a perfectly good room, with a perfectly good door on it.”
“Which Mom and Dad will take off its hinges if we're caught making out on the other side of it.”
Also true. Our parents had been far less unpleasant about the coming out part, but the new rule for Roy was open-door when any guys were over. I gritted my teeth. There should be some rule against brothers being right, when you're mad at them.
Roy sighed. “And it's too freaking cold to be outside. Listen, one day you'll want to have some girl over and you'll see her looking all pretty with the light on her hair, and you'll just want to kiss her, right then. Like sometimes I look at Jordan, and his eyes are so blue, and he kind of smiles and I just have to kiss him. I'm not doing it to gross you out or anything. It just happens.”
“I'm not grossed out.”
“Well, that's good.”
“I guess.” There was another long silence, an unfinished one like we both had more to say, but weren't sure how.
“I know having a gay brother isn't the easiest thing. I'll try to give you space. You've been pretty okay about it for a punk. You've never given me shit, not since the first day, even if it bugs you to see me with Jordan.”
Okay, that was just about enough of that. I couldn't help it. I said, “It doesn't bug me to see you making out. I'm freaking jealous.”
“You're just fifteen. I didn't date when I was fifteen. You'll find a girl soon enough.”
I gritted my teeth and laid it out for him flat. “I don't want a girl. I want a goddamned guy. Like Jordan, only not so fucking perfect.” Actually, just like Jordan. I could live with perfect, if it was my perfect.
I stared down at my laptop screen and pretended I didn't feel the weight of his startled gaze on me. I told you some people were blind.
“You're gay?”
“Takes one to know one.”
“Are you sure?”
That snapped my head around. “Jesus Christ! I didn't freaking ask you that!”
“Well, I was already with Jordan... Sorry, I'm sorry. Of course you're sure.”
We stared at each other.
Roy asked, “When are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”
“How about the fifth of never.”
“Damn.” Roy laid his face on his knees, and closed his eyes. “Mom will have a cow.”
“Exactly.” When Roy came out, there had been days of wailing about the loss of hypothetical grandchildren. Weeks, even. Then Mom had fastened on the fact that she had two sons and cheered up. “My balls are the treasure trove of family DNA, the source of the holy grail of future generations. How about you tell Mom that I'm hoping never to unload them inside a female body.”
“Damn.”
“So you and perfect Jordan make out and be gay all over the house if you want to. Don't mind me.”
“I'm sorry.” Roy sat up and put a hand on my shoulder. “Really, I didn't know. I didn't mean to make it harder for you. Do you...want to talk about it?”
“Don't get all touchy-feely on me. I play football. I love beer. I don't do that crap.”
He laughed shortly and took back his hand. “Okay, I know you're the cool one, although you'd better not let Mom catch you with a beer. But I am older and I do have more experience. So if you want to ask anything...”
I waved at my laptop. “There's a whole world of answers from people who actually know shit, right there on the Net. I'm good.”
“I'll try to cool it with Jordan.”
“Nah. I was just jerking your chain.” Now that he knew, it didn't feel so bad somehow. Although I was going to have to watch how I looked at Jordan. Because sometimes the sun did catch the red lights in his brown hair and I knew I'd been staring. And the only way I was going to survive the seven months until they both graduated and left for college was by hiding and denying my yen for Jordan, big time.
“I'll back y
ou, if you want to come out to Mom and Dad. Anytime. Just say the word. Or I can be elsewhere if you want to do it by yourself.”
“No!” I fumbled across the comforter and found my fingers locked in the hem of his shirt. Pathetic, but I couldn't let go. “You started this, you can't desert me.”
“Wouldn't dream of it, bro.” We both breathed for a bit. Then he muttered, “Although I do think it might pay you to wait just a little bit longer. At least until Mom stops muttering, 'Such a waste' when she thinks I don't hear her.”
“Yeah.” I uncrimped my fingers from my freaking brother, and tried to look relaxed. “Now how about you get the hell out of my room?”
“Okay.” He stood up. “Colby?”
“Yeah?”
“Love you, bro, straight or gay. You know?”
“More freaking touchy-feely. You give gays a bad name. Go put on make-up or something. Text love notes to your boyfriend.”
He paused at the door. “You'll have a boyfriend too someday. I promise. And for the record, gay sex is awesome.”
I threw a paperback, but it hit the closing door without doing any damage. Bastard. Like I needed the image of Jordan getting naked, all hot and bothered, with that hair and his muscles from baseball, and his voice hoarse and losing that perfect control. Damn. I went back online. There was a quote from George Takei. “Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by, 'A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.'”
I laughed. Two things I'd never tried. Not yet. I wasn't sure if I was interested in the pot, but the laying with a man - yeah, that had my definite interest.
Nothing I could do about it for now. And I didn't know if I was ready to crack that closet door any wider than I'd just done. But the future felt a little brighter, just a touch more likely to work out, for knowing that my brother had my back. And in the meantime, well, I was fifteen and the Internet was full of good stuff. I clicked another link.
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My Own Kind