True to his word, he took his time and made sure it worked for both of us.
We ignited.
We went up in flames.
We burned and singed each other over and over again.
It didn’t take long to get swept up in the new sensation. I forgot all about what he’d already given me and demanded more. It was a heady feeling having that big, strong body moving in and over mine. The sounds he made low in his throat and deep in his chest were intoxicating, and I knew I would never forget the way his eyes blazed with black fire.
He fell apart first on a long groan and another slew of dirty words. I was content to float on the cloud of pleasure he left behind, but Cable wouldn’t stand for that. His hand and questing fingers were back between my legs, and it only took a few well-placed strokes and a couple of skilled circles for me to break all around him.
He collapsed on top of me, breathing hard, body covered in a thin sheen of sweat. It took an obvious effort for him to lift his head and I could see a million questions in his eyes.
Was I okay?
Was he okay?
Was it good for me?
Did it hurt and did I already regret it?
How did we end up here and when could we get back to this exact moment again and again?
Did I still hate him or was it something closer to love now?
For once in my life, I didn’t have an answer to a single one of them.
Cable
“I WASN’T DRIVING the night of the accident.”
It was the first time I’d ever admitted that out loud and I wasn’t even sure that the girl I was admitting it to was awake. It had been a long night for Affton. I didn’t give her time to think or put her shields back up. I cleaned her up and kept at her until both of us were too sore and too tired to do much more than curl into one another and pass out. Being with her had been worth the wait. My mind and my body were finally on the same page. They both wanted her, wanted to take her and keep her. Both reveled in the fact that she was a good fit, soft and hard in all the right places and just the right amounts of both.
I sighed and watched as her hair sifted through my fingers. It really was sex hair now, messier than it had been before, since I dragged her back to bed after she took a shower and rolled her from one side of it to the other. It dried in a wild tangle that seemed to go in every direction, but the pale strands were soft and silky against my chest. Her head was tucked under my chin, one of her arms curled along my ribs, and her knee angled over my seriously satisfied cock. Never in a million years would I have ever pictured this scenario with this girl, but if I was being honest, it was a dream come true. As in everything she did, Affton was a quick learner and a diligent student. I would never take for granted that I was the one who taught her all about the kind of sex that left you exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. I’d finally found the kind of lessons I didn’t mind working through thoroughly and methodically. After all, practice made perfect.
“I know everyone thought Jenna was in the car with me because we’d hooked up a few times and hung around with the same people, but that’s not why she was there.” I gulped, hoping Affton really was asleep so she didn’t end up with the same nightmares I had. Once she knew the truth about that night, it would haunt her the same way it haunted me. She might sleep easy, but it was debatable if she would still want to sleep with me lying next to her.
I sighed and twisted a strand of nearly white hair around my finger. “Jenna and I had a lot in common. Same kind of upbringing. Same kind of affluence and status. Her parents were never around either, but at least she had a nanny who gave a shit about her and raised her.”
Jenna Maley was similar to Jordan in that everyone knew who she was and wanted a piece of her. Unfortunately, she was similar to me in that she was forever searching for something that would cut through the fog of discontent that covered her every single day. She was lost like I was, and she was searching. We both learned quickly that we were empty and hollowed out. There was no point trying to use each other to fill those holes, but we understood one another, and Jenna was the closest thing to a real friend I had in Loveless. It just so happened that Jenna’s nanny had a brother, and that brother had connections all over Texas when it came to getting any drug you could think of. Jenna started popping pills her shrink gave her and quickly moved on to harder stuff. She was the one who introduced me to all the stuff that was harder than a joint.
“She was my dealer.”
No one in Loveless ever knew. She hid her habits better than I did and carried her sadness with more grace than I ever managed. People assumed I was the bad influence. They whispered that I was corrupting her and leading her down a path of destruction. Her friends told her to stay away from me, and when her parents were around, they pretended everything was just a phase.
She never walked away from me because we used each other as a crutch and we enabled each other to do awful things. Feeling alone and abandoned is bad; but what’s worse is when another person tells you that those feelings are justified and that you are completely and totally isolated because no one cares. She made the asshole thoughts in my head sound reasonable and justifiable. She wanted me as low as I could get so she didn’t have to live on rock-bottom all alone.
“I told Jenna my mom was sending me to rehab. That my mom tossed my room, found my stash, and lost her mind. She didn’t want me to die. I mean, she didn’t want me to cause a scandal for the family either, but really she was worried about me when she knew just how deep I had gotten.” I blew out a breath. “Thanks to you.” I hated her at the time, but the truth was Affton probably saved my life when she ratted me out.
Still no response from the sleeping beauty sprawled across my chest. I slid my hand under the hair that was curling softly against the back of her neck and cupped the back of her skull in my hand. I was holding on to her for dear life. I never wanted to let her go.
“Believe it or not, I wanted to go.” I let out a breath and really wished my pants were closer so I could light up a smoke. I needed the nicotine to calm my nerves. I needed the familiar inhale and exhale to lull my heart into thinking it was okay to open its doors to this girl. “I was so relieved someone finally noticed. I was exhausted from the constant chase and crash. And, Jesus . . . the way you looked at me that day you confronted me at school like I was a lost cause, I could tell you really did hate me. I was sick and tired of being that guy, but I’d been him for so long, I had no idea how to shake him loose. I started to think he was who I was meant to be, but then Mom offered a shot at help, and I was going to take it. Jenna hated that.”
She hadn’t wanted to lose the guy who was her smokescreen. Everyone was too busy watching me fall apart to pay any attention to her. She also didn’t want to lose her best customer. If I did blow or popped a handful of Oxy, then a bunch of other kids who wanted to be like me, or at least thought they wanted to be like me, would follow suit. Drugs for recreation were a big business in middle America, and Jenna was making a mint off bored kids who fell face first to peer pressure.
“She called and told me she wanted to meet. She was crying, really upset. She said if I was going into treatment, maybe she should go as well. I should’ve known it was bullshit. That girl didn’t want help, she just didn’t want to be the only poor little rich kid with an addiction in Loveless.”
Affton mumbled something and shifted. Her hand curled under her cheek on my chest so that her fingers were touching every heartbeat. Her knee grazed my sheet-covered cock, and I immediately went hard. She was going to be out of commission for a day or two. I had no doubt about that. She was already sore and moving stiffly. She took a lot and then asked for more. She was pretty much the best thing ever, and when this all blew up and blew away, I would always have this night with her to remind me there was something in this world that was worth fighting for.
“I went to pick her up because she was a mess and in no condition to drive.” I shook my head and wanted to kick myself
for how obvious it all was now that I was thinking straight. “She set me up. When I got to her house, she was naked and wasted. She said she wanted to give me a going away party I would never forget.”
And because I was an idiot and couldn’t turn down a sure thing, I fell right into her trap. I figured if I was going straight and clean, I was allowed one last night of excess. It was the kind of reasoning that turned me into an addict in the first place. I wasn’t immune to the consequences of my actions, even though I thought I was.
“I went on a bender. Drank until I threw up, fucked until I couldn’t stand up, put so much shit up my nose that I can’t believe my heart didn’t stop. It was gluttonous and disgusting, but I knew everything I was accustomed to using to fake being fine was going away as soon as I got on the plane. So, I went all in. She knew I would.” It was pretty telling that my dealer knew me better than anyone else in my life.
“I woke up sometime that night, hungover and totally wrung out. Jenna offered to drive me back to my parents’ ranch, and since I was in no shape to get myself there, I agreed. I knew my mom was going to be pissed because there was no way to hide just how fucked up I was at that point, and I figured that maybe she would keep her cool if Jenna was there as a witness. My mom never wants a scene.” I snorted, and Affton rubbed her cheek against my chest. Her other hand worked its way under my shoulder so that she practically had me in a full body hug. I knew she was no longer sleeping or pretending to be asleep. I slipped a hand under the covers and cupped the gentle roundness of her ass in my palm. Her knee brushed against my erection deliberately, and I closed my eyes.
“As soon as we got in the car, Jenna lost it. She wasn’t looking at the road when she started driving. She started screaming that I couldn’t go, that I couldn’t tell anyone what we’d been doing. She was worried I would spill who my hookup was. She came unglued.” I remembered her face, blotchy with anger and streaked with makeup as she screamed and cried at me. I had no idea if she was high, or still high from the night before, but either was scary considering my car went from zero to sixty in half a second. “She didn’t head toward the ranch at all. She took the road into town. She was going way too fast. She couldn’t handle the car. I was begging with her, pleading for her to slow down or to pull over, but she wasn’t there.”
She acted like she couldn’t hear me at all.
“I don’t know if she was trying to leave town, or if she wanted to hurt herself and me. I don’t know if she was so far gone that she was thinking about hurting someone else. All I do know is that none of it would have happened if I had been stronger. If I hadn’t had to have one last hit of everything that fucked up my life in the first place. I was selfish, and because of that, Jenna died.”
I knew she couldn’t take the sports car through the heart of Loveless. She was being too erratic and too unpredictable. She was going to run someone over or run us off the road.
“Of the two of us, I was thinking the clearest, and I honestly had no idea what to do. I was just as messed up as she was. All that made sense was to grab the wheel and try and force her to get off the road.” Only we’d been going way too fast, and I didn’t look to see if there was anyone else on the road before I did. I was panicked, inebriated, and scared out of my mind.
“The car skidded on some loose gravel that was on the side of the road and fishtailed out of control. Jenna let go of the steering wheel and covered her eyes, and we careened from one lane to the other, clipping another innocent motorist in the process. My sports car hit the side of the road, front-end caught and flipped the shitty import end over end. Both Jenna and I were thrown from the car from the impact because neither one of us bothered with seat belts.” I had to stop and clear my throat a few times before I could keep going. My fingers dug into the back of her head and into the side of her hip. I was going to leave marks on her with more than my words. “Uh . . . When Jenna was thrown, the car rolled over her, and she was killed instantly. For some reason, I was tossed far enough away that I only ended up with some minor bumps and bruises. I suffered a broken arm, several fractured ribs, and split my head open. I ended up with a concussion and rattled my brain enough that I didn’t really remember anything that happened.”
Affton moved. She put both her hands on the center of my chest and rested her chin on the back of them. When I opened my eyes to look at her, I could see that she was crying. Silent tears trailed over her cheeks as she watched me in the dark. I lifted a hand and smoothed my thumb over the wet streak. “The cops came to the hospital after I was awake and asked me what happened. At the time, I honestly couldn’t remember. All I knew was that Jenna and I had gotten super fucked up the night before. They asked me if I was driving since we both had been thrown and landed in different places. They couldn’t tell who was behind the wheel. It was my car, so I assumed I was the one driving. It was only after I admitted responsibility that they told me I was charged with vehicular homicide. That’s when I found out about the other driver, as well. He almost died. For no other reason than he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“When did you get your memory back?” Her voice was quiet and thoughtful.
“Right around the time the trial started. Bits and pieces of it started coming back to me, but I was pretty messed up at the time. The judge wouldn’t grant me a bond because he was tight with the Maleys and they wanted me to pay for what happened to Jenna. All of a sudden they were the parents of the year and Jenna had been some kind of angel. Everyone in town was whispering they knew I would eventually crash and burn, only no one knew it was going to be so literal. The family of the guy we put in the wheelchair sued my parents for pain and suffering, and that was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back in their marriage. Mom ditched Dad and turned all her attention to trying to keep me out of jail.” I rubbed my thumb along her bottom lip and lifted my left leg under hers so that she was pressed more firmly against my aching erection.
“Somehow, Jenna managed to avoid traffic cameras, and my reputation for reckless disregard of the rules preceded me. There was no proof that I wasn’t the one driving, and the truth is, it didn’t matter. I knew none of it would have happened if I had been able to say no, if I had been able to walk away from my vices . . . but I hadn’t. That accident was as much my fault as it was hers. Sitting in a prison cell was nothing considering the price she had to pay. I deserved it . . . and probably more . . . but I wasn’t driving.”
I needed her to know that.
I wasn’t sure why, but I just knew it was information she needed to know, especially now that we’d crossed a pretty major line in our relationship.
She blinked at me and exhaled long and hard. Her breath touched my lips in a phantom kiss and her words wrapped around me in an invisible embrace. “Are you looking for forgiveness, Cable? Because if you are, I forgive you, and I really think you should forgive yourself.” She turned her head so that her cheek was once again resting on her hands. “Want to know a secret?” Her voice was soft and gentle. It was the first time she’d ever seemed hesitant and unsure with me.
I nodded in the dark and twirled the ends of her hair around my fingers. “Your secrets are safe with me, Reed.” I couldn’t promise that her heart would be.
“I wrote you a letter, more than one, when you went away. I apologized a hundred different ways for telling your mom what was going on with you. I knew nothing that happened that night would have been set in motion if I’d kept my nose out of your business. I tried to help you, and it all went so wrong. I felt as responsible as you for what happened that night.” She let out a long breath. “I never sent them. I felt terrible about the accident and the fact you went to jail, but I was glad you got help. I was happy you couldn’t use anymore. It was selfish and made me feel guilty, but it’s the truth. You went to jail for something you didn’t do, and you lost someone you cared about. I think you’ve been punished enough for making some poor choices along the way. Your penance is paid. You wanted to get help. You
wanted to make changes; here’s your shot. Don’t blow it.”
I rolled us so that she was underneath me and braced myself on my forearms above her head so I didn’t crush her. “I wouldn’t have opened them if you sent them. I wasn’t in a place where I wanted to share the blame, and we both know I’m not exactly great at listening to what you have to say.” She made it all seem so cut and dry. I’d screwed up, and it cost me everything. The only way to fix it was to fix myself, because that was the only part of the equation that could be corrected.
“Speaking of blowing things . . .” I wiggled my eyebrows at her and grunted as she smacked me on my unprotected ribs.
It was a lot, handing all my secrets and sorrows off to her. She didn’t seem scared of my demons, but now she knew just how bloodthirsty and vicious they could be. I needed something that was familiar, something that was simple after all that soul stripping. I felt raw and exposed . . . vulnerable. I was shaking in a different way than I had been at Doc Howard’s office and my world had narrowed onto her instead of on that night.
She wiggled underneath me and rolled her eyes. “I can barely move. I hurt in places I didn’t know I had, and honestly, my heart is very conflicted after hearing all that.” I could see she was hurting for me, but also because of me. She said she didn’t want me to disappoint her, but hearing about how bad my bad choices could be did just that.
I moved to push myself off her, to give her the space she obviously needed while she wrestled with my ugly truth. “You recuperate. I’m going to go make sure the house isn’t trashed and pick up a little bit so Miglena doesn’t walk into a garbage pile.” I didn’t get very far. Her arms locked around my neck and her legs circled my hips so there was no going anywhere. Her pale eyebrows lifted and a soft smile played around her mouth.
“We can wrangle Jordan to help us clean up in the morning. I’m not ready for you to go yet.”