Chapter 23
Cassie approached the three girls standing near her assigned locker and slipped past them to put away her purse and cell phone.
One of the girls said, “I wonder who the new teachers are?”
Another shrugged and said, “I don’t know but I heard Mrs. Jay talking to Mr. K about Mrs. Ellis. Maybe she’s the new English teacher.”
The first girl frowned. “I don’t think so. Mama said they moved Miss Worden to English and hired a man to take over History. So I think both the new teachers are men.”
Cassie took a deep breath and moved closer to the group. The third girl, a tall sinewy ash blonde, noticed her and held out a hand. “You must be new this year. I’m Caitlyn van der Broek.”
Cassie shook her hand and said, “I’m Cassie. Cassie Ellis.”
The second speaker, a perky plump brunette a little taller than Cassie, waved and said, “Hi Cassie. I’m Lisa Sparks.”
The first girl, a very tall willowy girl with honey blonde hair, said, “I’m Hannah Postma. Is your mother our new history teacher?”
Cassie shrugged and said, “No, actually I’m, um, Mrs. Ellis.”
There was a moment of stunned silence before Caitlyn said, “No way.”
Cassie shrugged and held up her left hand. “I could show you my marriage license. I carry a copy in my purse.”
Lisa recovered first. “Oh, I saw you at registration last week. Was that hunky guy your husband?”
“Yes, he is.” Cassie quelled a mild bout of possessive jealousy.
Hannah was still quiet but blurted, “Aren’t you, like, too young to get married?”
Cassie smiled politely and said, “Probably. But Frank didn’t think so.”
Caitlyn gave a speculative look at her midsection. “Are you pregnant?”
Cassie had anticipated that question so she’d prepared for it but she wasn’t prepared for the disappointment she felt when she thought about waiting several years to have children. She shook her head. “No, I’m not. I want to finish university before we have kids and Frank’s okay with that.”
A young man with the confident swagger of a competitive athlete joined the group. He held out his hand after he gave her a once over and a speculative smile. Cassie felt her lips twitch as she suppressed her amusement. “Hi. I’m Mike de Groot. You must be new here.”
She shook his hand politely and said, “Cassie Ellis.”
“Cool. Is your mom the new history teacher?”
Caitlyn elbowed him in the ribs. “No she isn’t, Mike. Cassie is Mrs. Ellis.” Caitlyn pointed at the rings on Cassie’s left hand.
This time Cassie did grin as she saw the hopeful expression on his face disappear. Another young man came up behind Mike and asked, “Hey Mike. Did you see the racing green Mini Cooper in the lot with the sport package? Wicked set of wheels, man. I wonder who belongs to it.”
Cassie said, “I do. It was a housewarming present from my husband.”
The taller young man was silent for a second as he absorbed the information. “Wicked.” He nodded appreciatively and said, “I’m Jon Hougenboom. Welcome.”
A teacher came over to ask, “So, Mrs. Ellis, are you settling in?”
Cassie gave him a brilliant smile. “So far so good, Mr. Hazelton.”
“Good. Unlike some of the teachers, Mrs. Ellis, I insist on surnames while we’re at school.”
Cassie nodded respectfully. “I gathered that when we spoke at registration, Mr. Hazelton. I’m looking forward to your class.”
He gave her a nod in acknowledgement and wandered off. Caitlyn waited a second and said, “What are you taking from him?”
Mike interrupted. “It’s probably the Grade 9 New Testament course. Do you still get a spare?”
“Yes, it’s the New Testament course. And I have a spare because I only need four university prep credits. But I wanted to take the New Testament course, even if it is required. My husband is a very committed Christian and I don’t know my Bible well enough yet to really follow along.”
Hannah asked, “Aren’t you a Christian?”
Cassie shrugged. “It depends on who you ask. The Catholic Church thinks I am because I was baptized there and the pastor at the church we just joined knows that I’ve made a commitment to follow Jesus but I haven’t had a regular church community since my Granny got sick five years ago.”
The first bell went and Cassie found herself in a small group with Jon and Caitlyn. Caitlyn said, “Sorry I jumped to conclusions.”
“I figured I would get asked at least once. Half of Frank’s relatives are waiting for us to announce a due date.” Cassie shifted her binder to her other hand. “So far only two people haven’t looked at us like we’re crazy – my sister-in-law Supriya, who is from a part of India where most of her cousins marry young and my friend Meghan who also married an older man. It’s been pretty weird at times, except when we’re home by ourselves.”
Caitlyn said, “My sister said it was a big adjustment when she got married after second year but she and Jason are very happy. They still have a year to go to finish university. But I think I’ll wait until I finish university.”
Cassie smiled. “Unless you find the right man sooner.”
Caitlyn shrugged. “I suppose. But I’m not holding my breath.”
The teacher clapped his hands and said, “Take your seats ladies and gentlemen.”
Cassie eased into a desk near the front and opened her notebook.
———
Frank slipped quietly into the kitchen to observe Cassie humming happily as she rolled out pastry for tourtières. When he finished admiring her, he said, “How was your first day at school?”
Cassie gave a little squeak and turned quickly. She glared at him and said, “You could have made more noise coming in.”
He came forward for a hug. “I could have. But you looked so beautiful standing there, I had to stop to admire you for a while.” He brushed a flour smudge off her cheek then kissed the spot.
She stood still, wondering how to respond as pleasure from his sincere compliment warred with self-doubt and a suspicion that he was either patronizing her or buttering her up for something. Frank stepped back and repeated, “How was school?”
Cassie regained her composure and said, “I think I overthought it. I know we talked about all sorts of potential problems but there was mostly a kind of weird fascination. Three girls asked if I was pregnant, though. One of the guys in my class admitted to coveting my Mini. And the big man on campus looked really disappointed when I showed him my rings.” She gave the pork and beef mixture a stir before turning the stove off. “The teachers were okay but we met most of them at registration.” She snickered. “I still think that half the people we know will be disappointed when I’m not showing at Christmas.”
Frank got a wistful look and Cassie realized that he was one of those disappointed people. He shook his head to clear it and said, “As much as I’d love us to start a family right away, I know we’ll have to wait.”
Cassie said, automatically, “I’m sorry…”
Frank interrupted and came forward to put his finger across her lips. “Don’t say it. I don’t know exactly what happened, although I’ll listen if you can ever tell me, but I know that I have to wait on you, as hard as it is for me. And, um…, marital relations aside, I think you’d resent it too much if the choice to earn your degree before the kids come along is taken from you. I hope you know by now that I love you and that I’m committed to you.”
She stepped forward into his embrace with tears glistening in her eyes. “I’m trying to accept that, Frank, I really am. I met last week with the counsellor but it was mostly about process and time lines although she did give me some things to think about before we meet tomorrow after school. I don’t think it’s going to be easy on either of us for the next while. If you’re willing, she’d like to meet with you.”
Frank tilted her chin up so he could look into her eyes. “I’m here for you, my love. Just
ask for what you need.”
Cassie felt his regard as comfort and gave him a wan smile. “Okay, I’ll ask her to call you.”
Frank gave Cassie a squeeze and let her go. “To change the subject, I’d like to set up the larger of the two bedrooms near the front door as a conference room and set up the small one across the hall from it as a home office. Charles said that there were evening meetings that he had to attend occasionally but I don’t want to get sucked into putting in stupid amounts of overtime again. I figure if I host the meetings here you can remind me to take it easy.”
Cassie turned away from the pastry to stir the large skillet on the stove and said, “That makes sense. We don’t need eight bedrooms, really. Anne said that she hosts meetings of volunteers sometimes and it would be nice if I could offer to host them occasionally. I think we might get more work done at a proper board room table than in the living room. And I could host study groups, too.”
Frank pulled a notepad out of a drawer and rummaged for a pen. Cassie snickered and said, “Let me guess. You’re making a list.”
Frank sighed. “I am. But I need to write down measurements so we know what size table will fit.”
Cassie smirked and began spooning meat pie filling into the pastry shells before transferring the paella to a serving bowl for their supper. “Set the table. We can talk while we eat.”
———
“This is a lovely place, Cassie. I’m glad it was warm this evening. Sandra and Aaron need to be active.” Fiona made a mental note of her two older children being actively supervised by Frank and Trevor in the kiddie section of the pool.
“I’m still getting used to having this much space but it’s nice to be able to have people over without having to dance around each other. Granny’s apartment was pretty small.”
Fiona nodded. “Our first house felt enormous after the downtown apartment.” Then she scuttled her chair closer. “How did the first real counselling session go?”
Cassie blew out a sigh. “Difficult. I still can’t bring myself to talk about what happened yet and I’m carrying too much anger inside. Fortunately Frank lets me cry on his shoulder a lot and he isn’t scared off by my tears, at least not yet. The counsellor asked some nosey questions and let me yell at her for a bit. Then she gave me some things to work on. I hope I can tell her more details next week.”
“Have you told anyone?”
Cassie frowned. “Not everything. You and your mum and Meghan know some of it and Frank knows more but I still can’t talk about parts of it and some of the incidents were worse than others. It hurts too much. And there’s some stuff that’s still hazy, like I’m blocking memories or something.” She wiped at a tear that was forming. “A lot of it is tied up in unresolved grief about Granny and Dad and anger at Mum being taken in by yet another charming jerk. And Gord and his buddies were hassling me for months before I finally got up enough courage to run away. It means that I have trust issues with Frank and I want to trust him so badly.”
“He’s a good man, Cassie.”
“I know that. And I know that he loves me. But there’s a small awful voice inside that won’t let me believe it and it affects our relationship. He’s trying to help by giving me space but that’s not necessarily what I need. It’s what he would need but …” Cassie sighed. “At least he lets me cry on his shoulder.”
Fiona gave her a sympathetic look. “Trevor and I still have occasional difficulties. You’re going to have to start certain conversations with Frank, I think. If Frank’s like Trevor he’ll bottle things up that are bothering him because he’s trying to be fair to you. You’ll have to make him complain occasionally.”
Cassie sighed. “But that nasty voice inside me says we’re only going to be married until I turn eighteen and then he’ll be finished with me.” She held up a hand. “I know that isn’t the objective reality. He says he loves me, he put the house in my name and he’s given me all sorts of things – made a big investment in me, if you like – but subjectively? Granny and Dad are both dead and Mum’s never really been a part of my life. None of Dad’s side will have anything to do with me because Mum’s so trashy, the Caswells are mostly passed away and I don’t even know if I have any family on the O’Leary side ‘cause Grampa Horace never ever spoke about his family to anyone. He even changed his last name to Caswell when he married Granny. So Frank’s my only family now and I’m scared to get close to him.”
“Because it would kill you if he left?”
Cassie’s shoulders slumped as she murmured, “Yes.”
Fiona nodded. “Well, I’ll add you and Frank to my prayers. Are you praying about this?”
“I am. The counsellor gave me a book of devotions that has some really neat stuff in it. The prayers and meditations help a lot when I’m starting to feel angry or trapped. My schoolmates help, too. The guys have all been very respectful although a couple of them seemed disappointed when they found out I was married. The girls are mostly okay. I’m not competition for them because I’m already taken even if the school doesn’t encourage dating.”
Cassie’s voice got quieter. “I’ve never seen myself as all that attractive, mostly because I just didn’t fit in at any of my schools and we were so poor that I couldn’t afford anything fashionable and I never had time to sustain any real friendships. When you’re worried about groceries and utility bills and making sure that your marks are good enough to get a scholarship and that dosages are correct for oral painkillers and you need to rush home from school or get to the hospital to see if your Granny is still alive…” Tears began to form. “Anyway, the counsellor took some pictures of me and compared them to pictures of Taylor Swift and Kate Hudson and Silje Norendal and Gwyneth Paltrow and tried to convince me that I was actually pretty, in an objective sense.” Cassie shrugged. “Well, it explains why the girls at Rideau always had that weird reaction to me. The counsellor did it because she wanted me to try to get inside the head of someone like Gord who sees me as a sex object instead of a real person.”
“And to show you the difference between Gord and Frank? So you can put your trust in Frank?”
Cassie nodded. “It’s that head-heart thing. My head says that Frank is trustworthy but my heart still has too many walls around it. But I’ve told Frank about this, too, and he’s done some reading about this kind of trauma and about grief. He says he understands but I’m afraid that he’s going to lose patience with me and walk.” Cassie gave Fiona a bleak look.
Fiona lowered her voice and said, in a matter of fact tone, “I had some of the same troubles with Trevor when we were first going out. One of my former boyfriends assaulted me and I had a hard time getting over it. I wish I’d had the courage to get counselling for it.”
Cassie’s eyes widened. “Oh.”
Fiona checked to see that everyone was still at the other end of the pool. “Only Trevor and my friend Vicki know the details. I still get nightmares occasionally, especially after we’ve gone out to a loud bar or party. Trevor knows not to hug me from behind without warning, although I haven’t had a problem with that since the kids were born. So far.”
Cassie reached over to pat Fiona’s hand. “Frank knows not to put his hand on the back of my head and it’s about fifty-fifty whether I snuggle into him or panic when he puts his arm around my shoulders. It helps that he bathes regularly but there was one time at the summer home in Parrsboro when he tried to kiss me after he came back from kayaking and I freaked out big time. That’s when I decided that I really truly needed to get some counselling, because that wasn’t normal at all.”
Fiona nodded in sympathy. “I probably should have gotten counselling but I don’t remember much of the actual assault other than being grabbed from behind and struggling to get loose. I think Dylan used some sort of drug on me. Vicki found me passed out in our residence room and if I hadn’t had some bruises… and a pregnancy scare… I might have believed it was a nightmare. Except that Dylan wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the semest
er.”
“Is he still around here?”
“Oh, I went to Simon Fraser in Vancouver for university and came home after I graduated. I almost transferred to Carleton for fourth year but I stuck it out at SFU. Vicki’s still in touch with Dylan’s sister. He’s in Alberta somewhere selling cars and going through divorce number two.” Fiona sat forward to check on William in his infant carrier. “I think I read through Ecclesiastes and Proverbs every week for six months after the assault. There’s a lot of wisdom in there about real life – that there will be times when bad things happen to good people and that sometimes the wicked appear to prosper.”
“My counsellor said the same thing and the devotional she gave me kind of alternates between God’s comforting promises and acknowledging that sometimes reality stinks and it’s okay to be angry about it for a while, as long as you channel the anger into positive action.”
“I’m glad you’re getting help. I think if I’d had the courage to tell Mom and get counselling it would have shortened the time for healing.”
Cassie became thoughtful. “I’m lucky that I have someone who loves me and needs me. If it was just me on my own, like if I’d gotten moved to a group home by the CAS, I’d have no reason to let go of my anger and then I’d be in way worse shape.” She gave Fiona a grateful smile. “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
Fiona responded with a thoughtful expression. “You’re welcome.” Then she squared her shoulders. “I think it’s past time I told Mom, though. I think she deserves to know why I got so quiet that summer after third year.”
Cassie said, sympathetically, “And if my counsellor is right, it will let in some light to bleach the stain away. Now all I have to do is get up the courage to talk about all of it with her and with Frank.”
“That will come in time, Cassie.”
They sat in thoughtful silence for a moment then William announced his presence with a mewling squawk.