TRAMP You’re right there — it’s a shame certainly.
PARASITE Luckit. Here am I. I’m poor. I’m starvin’. What can I do? Just go on starvin’. But what does your man do? He just sticks his claw into the first unfortunate poor whore14 he meets and off with him then to have a feed he’s not able for. One law for me, a different law for his nibs. Sure don’t be talkin’ to me man.
TRAMP You wouldn’t believe all the murder and robbery and rascality that’s goin’ on here for the last half hour, I’ll be as gray as a badger before I’m much older.
PARASITE Sure luckit. You took the words out of me mouth. What goes on here day in and day out is a terrible crime against the people, mark my words now. That bugger15 above there in that hole’ll have to be put a stop to, I’m tellin’ you. Somebody’ll have to kill that bugger. Because do you know what I’m goin to tell you, he has half the food in the country cornered and hoarded and stored away there, he has bags and pucks of stuff there inside in the nest, lashins of grub goin’ bad there while meself and me likes is starvin’ with the hunger. Sure don’t be talkin’ to me man.
TRAMP I didn’t know he had all that tucked away.
PARASITE Well, I’m tellin’ you he has. To hell with him! To bloody hell with him!
The DUCK re-appears from the nest.
DUCK That’s right, little pet, eat it all up. Good little fluffy chick!
PARASITE Good evenin’, yer honour.
DUCK Ao, what have we here? Who is this frightful person? Don’t move, I’m only smelling you.
PARASITE Ah now, mister, you’re only coddin me. Nobody would ever ate me, mister.
DUCK D’you knaow, there’s a most frightful beastly smell from you. I do think you’re pretty average filthy. Be off with you!
PARASITE Certainly, sir, yer honour, no offence, mister. (He cowers.)
DUCK (To TRAMP) I trust you saw my little exploit, old man. Not bad, you know. Frightfully difficult thing sometimes. Calls for skill, you knaow, coolness, iron nerve and all that sort of thing. One has to be in training and so on.
PARASITE You’re right, yer honour, you’re right there.
DUCK Frightful lot of patience called for too, you knaow, fellow has to watch his chance and keep his head and all that sort of thing. I do it rather well, if I do say so myself.
PARASITE You took the words out of me mouth, your majesty, it’s a very haird exacerbatin’ occupation.
DUCK I say, do shut up, you filthy creature. I’m not talking to you.
PARASITE No offence, yer royal highness. I sincerely beg yer pardin.
DUCK It calls for qualities one doesn’t find in the working classes. I mean, breeding and good form and love of sport and so on. I mean, one is that sort of person or one isn’t, you knaow. I do think it is all frightfully fascinating. Well, sir, I think I’ll say cheerio. Must get a little something more before dark. No rest for me, you knaow. Pip pip, old boy. (Exit)
PARASITE The dirty mouldy oul bags. For wan minute there I thought I was goin’ to let fly at him, I was never so boilin’ mad in me life.
TRAMP O begob he was lucky to escape with his life.
PARASITE Sure don’t be talkin’ to me man, another couple of seconds and I’d lost control. Your man was blowin’ about all the work he does to get grub. Well, who’s afraid of work anyway? I’d work me fingers to the bone meself and welcome if there was anny need to. But why should I when he and his like has a thousand times what I’ve got? Why should I kill meself to preserve … and per-petuate … a dirty rich man’s world where the poor is ground down … and persecuted . . and starved be the boss class. Do you know what I’m goin’ to tell you? I’m a communist. I take me stand on communism. And I’m starvin’ with the bloody hunger. Sure don’t be talkin’ to me.
TRAMP I suppose you wouldn’t say no to a nice steak and chips … and a few fried onions … and plenty of pepper and salt … and a bottle of stout?
PARASITE Ah now man, don’t be talkin’ to me, don’t be talkin’ to me. Because I take me stand on communism, the boss class is goin’ to let me starve to death. Is you and me goin’ to stand for that?
TRAMP Begob I think you’re as much entitled to a feed as the next man.
MR CRICKET enters, rattling and chirping merrily.
MR CRICKET Are oo here? Where are oo, acushla? Where are oo hidin’ on me? Guess what I brought oo!
DUCK (Suddenly appearing behind him) AHA!
TRAMP (Roaring in alarm) Hey — mind yerself, MIND YERSELF!
PARASITE Now listen be a wise man like me and keep yer nose out of what doesn’t concern you. Don’t get mixed up in annybody else’s row. You’ll get all the trouble you want without lookin’ for it.
MR CRICKET Yerra girl where are oo?
DUCK suddenly kills him and drags him off.
TRAMP O Lord save us — Lord save us. Did you see that? What are we goin’ to do at all — IS THERE NO WAY OF STOPPIN THIS BLOODY SLAUGHTER?
PARASITE What did I tell you? Did you expect any dacency or principles from that baucaugh-shool?16 Murder, that’s his dish. Three crickets he’s had already and me standin’ here with me backbone out through me stomach with the hunger. Would you blame me for being a communist?
DUCK quickly re-appears from nest, speaking back to the Duckling.
DUCK No, old girl, can’t wait. More work to do, you knaow. Cheery-pip! I’ll be back soon. (Exit.)
PARASITE I wonder what class of a place has your man above there in that cave. Keep nix there like a dacent man till I have a screw.17
He enters the nest.
TRAMP Well bad an’ all as real people like me is, we’re not as bad as that. We don’t be killin’ and atin’ each other, we just work hard and try and make a couple of bob, scrape together a few little savins, a little pile. Blast it, I’m crazy, that’s what them bloody beetles does be at. Be God maybe it’s all the wan. I don’t know. It’s haird. It’s very haird but it’s very interesstin’.
EGG I feel absolutely … bulging … with life and vitality. I’m nearer being born than ever.
TRAMP You’re havin’ a great time in there.
PARASITE (Falling down out of the nest, bloated, helpless and hiccupping) Ha-ha-ha! Boys-a-dear! Th’oul bags kept any God’s amount of stuff above there for that lousy-lookin’ flea-bitten brat he has there, all classes of — hup — lovely juicy — hup — grubsteaks, I declare be the powers that I’ve — hup — stuffed meself till I can’t walk. Hup!
TRAMP And how about the yella duckling, did she not bite the nose off you?
PARASITE Her? I swallyed her too, claw, beak and feathers. I look after Number One. I leave nothin’ behind me, believe you me.
TRAMP I see. You’re a communist all right, there’s no doubt about that. You dirty-lookin’ bags.
CURTAIN
Notes
1 bew-uks: books
2 Sahurda-work: Saturday work, overtime.
3 have a decko: have a look, possibly from Romany dik, to look.
4 hum: smell.
5 dote: pet.
6 the pledge: Father [Theobald] Mathew’s pledge, to abstain from alcohol, which he developed in 1838 to promote abstinence in Ireland.
7 on me tod: on my own, alone.
8 oul wan: spouse, literally ‘old one’.
9 hoor: an Irish pronunciation of whore, here simply suggesting a difficult journey.
10 takin’ a jar: drinking.
11 service … pinshin: the Civil Service, and its pension.
12 musha: exclamation, from the Irish más ea, even so, or maiseadh, if it be so.
13 joxers: yes-men, insincere flatterers (Dublin slang).
14 poor whore: see hoor. In this case, not a lady of the evening but someone easily victimized.
15 bugger: literally a sodomite, but here simply a disagreeable person. Replaced in performance by bowsy, a Dublin term for an aggressive bully.
16 baucaugh-shool: a wandering beggar, a tramp, from bacach, beggar, and siúil, to walk.
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17 Keep nix … a screw: keep watch … till I have a look.
ACT III
Back of stage is undisclosed, TRAMP is again lying in the foreground, musing.
TRAMP It’s very haird … but it’s very interesstin’ — Them little buggers with all the legs on them is queer men. Don’t give a damn for one another — every man for himself. You ate me or I’ll ate you.
EGG (Shouting) The universe approaches its supreme crisis. Soon it will be liberated, calm, triumphant. I am about to be born.
TRAMP Now take your man. He thinks he’s Number One. Never heard of annybody he likes as well as himself. He thinks he’s the whole bloody world. And look at the size of him, stuffed into a bloody egg, a thing I’d ate for me breakfast without lookin’ at it. Of course I know what’s wrong with all these lads. They’ve no proper system or way of workin’. They’re not organized if you understand me.
EGG Strange lights are glowing, strange sweet sounds are thickening the air, a frightful and majestic cataclysm is at hand.
TRAMP Begob I think I’ve put me finger on it there. That’s the difference between meself and me likes and them lads. We have a system, a proper way of wOrkin’. We have what they call a plan. Every man with his own job, all workin’ away together for the good of all. What they call the Nation.
EGG I will soar aloft, traverse vast spaces, accomplish miraculous tasks. I am nearly born!
TRAMP Begorrah now, I think that’s about the size of it. Human beins’ is civilized because they do be workin’ for one another and workin’ together. But these mad whores here do be atin’ one another. And that’s just the difference between the two. (He begins feeling himself and the ground about him.) Ay, what’s this? ANTS, be God! Millions of the buggers — I must be sittin’ on an ant hill …
Meanwhile the curtain has risen to reveal the Ant Hill, a featureless and uneven situation crowded with ever-moving ants; they carry confused objects that look like tools and each drags along a round white object. In the centre an ant wearing a card marked BLIND sits and counts continuously. The ants speak with a most pronounced Belfast accent.
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore, wun tew three fore …
TRAMP Ay, what’s this? What’s goin’ on here? What are you countin’ for, Jem?
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore …
TRAMP Ay, come here Jem, what’s the countin’ for? Is this a factory or what?
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore …
TRAMP Do you hear me — WHAT’S GOIN’ ON? Look at the way all the lads are movin’ in step to the blind fella. Begob you’d swear they were all worked be clockwork!
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore …
CHIEF ENGINEER rushes in.
CHIEF ENGINEER Come awn now — quacker, d’ye hear me — quacker, wun tew three fore.
They all move quicker.
TRAMP (Shouting) Ay, you, what’s goin’ on here? What class of work is this? Is this a bloomin’ factory?
CHIEF ENGINEERHoo orr yew ond what’s yoor busness here?
TRAMPWhat do you mean ‘business’?
CHIEF ENGINEERWhuch of the awnts do ye wont tay see?
TRAMPNow listen here to me, I’m a man, d’you understand, A MAN. I’m not an ant and I don’t want to have anny conversations with anny ant, I’m not as far-gone as that yet.
CHIEF ENGINEER Thus us the Prawvince of the Awnts, yoo’ve no reight to be here at all if yoo’re not an awnt.
TRAMP Is that so. Well it’ll take more than you to shift me.
SECOND ENGINEER runs in.
2nd ENGINEER A grawnd new discovery, Ah’ve discovered something grawnd!
CHIEF ENGINEERWhat us it?
2nd ENGINEER A new way of mackin’ them wurk quacker! Don’t count wun tew three fore — count blank tew three fore. Are ye lustenin’ to me, Bliend Fella?
BLIND ANTWun tew three fore …
2nd ENGINEER Naw naw, yew’re wrong, blank tew three fore, blank tew three fore.
The ants move more quickly still.
TRAMPDo you know what I’m goin’ to tell you, you’re makin’ my head go round worse than anny feed of malt ever did. I’m dizzy!
2nd ENGINEEROnd hoo is thus mon?
TRAMPI’m a person from other parts.
2nd ENGINEERWhere frum, did ye say?
CHIEF ENGINEERHe’s a thing from what ye mieght call the Hewman Awnt Heap, do ye ondherstawnd me.
2nd ENGINEEROnd where is thon in Go-id’s name?
TRAMPAh yerra miles away man. It’s here too, of course. You’ll find my kind of lads everywhere.
2nd ENGINEERAh thank yoo’re a wee fool.
TRAMPPeople like me is the lords of creation. That’s a quare one for you!
2nd ENGINEERHa-ha-ha, the lowerds of creation!
CHIEF ENGINEERWe’re the only peepil thot motter.
2nd ENGINEERWe’re the bawsses, do ye ondherstawnd.
CHIEF ENGINEERWe’re the mawsters.
2nd ENGINEERThae mawsters of the Awnt Kingdom.
CHIEF ENGINEERThe biggest of all the Awnt Kingdoms!
2nd ENGINEEROnd the bee-est.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd the strongest, do ye ondherstawnd!
2nd ENGINEEROnd the most loyal!
CHIEF ENGINEERThe Awnt State will feight ond the Awnt State wull be rieght!1
TRAMPI … beg … your … par-din?
2nd ENGINEERWe wurk to keep in step!
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd to show we’re loyal!
2nd ENGINEEROnd to show we don’t care a domn for thon Awnt over in Rome!2
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd to show we’re hord-headed, do ye ondherstawnd!
TRAMP(Incredulously) I see. I’m sure them’s all very good reasons but I don’t understand them right. What’s all this rushin’ around for?
2nd ENGINEERThus us a grawnd big foctory, d’ye see, for mackin’ things.
CHIEF ENGINEERFor mackin ships ond trains ond nuts ond bolts.
2nd ENGINEER Ond onny soert of a thang thot’s hard, do ye ondherstawnd.
CHIEF ENGINEERBecause we’re very hord-headed awnts.
2nd ENGINEEROnd because we’re port of the Empiere.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd because we keep in step.
2nd ENGINEEROnd show avrybody we’re loyal, d’ye see.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd because we know what’s what.
2nd ENGINEEROnd because thon awnts in the south is jalous of us.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd because thon porties hov tacken down the flag of the Good Awnts ond poot up some other flag.
2nd ENGINEEROnd because they’re not loyal, d’ye see.
CHIEF ENGINEERThey all do what thon awnt over in Rome tals them.
2nd ENGINEEROnd thot’s whey they all tok Latin.
CHIEF ENGINEERA dad longuage.
2nd ENGINEEROnd they want to mack us tok Latin too.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd hov it taught in the schools.3
2nd ENGINEEROnd hov it shoved down the wee awnts nacks.
CHIEF ENGINEERA dad longuage.
2nd ENGINEEROnd no good to onyone that hos to eemigrate to gat a luvin.’
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd they won’t hov anybody tokin’ the Good Awnts’ longuage.
2nd ENGINEERNaw, they want a dad longuage.
CHIEF ENGINEERThot’s no good anywhere excapt in Rome.
2nd ENGINEEROnd thot’s whey we’re wurkin’ so hard mackin’ hard things.
CHIEF ENGINEERTay show we’re loyal.
2nd ENGINEEROnd hord-headed.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd ready to fieght for the rieght to keep in stap.
2nd ENGINEER In stap with the Awnt Empiere.
CHIEF ENGINEER On which the sun never sats.
2nd ENGINEER Tha grawndest empiere in the wurld.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond the richest empiere.
2nd ENGINEER Ond the empiere where there’s no Latin tokd.
CHIEF ENGINEER Up his mojesty the king awnt!
2nd ENGINEER Ond to hal with thon awnt in Rome!
TRAMP Yerra I don’t know what you’re t
alkin’ about and yo don’t aither. Sure all ants is the same. They’re all little round dark fellas. They only think they’re different. You’re all crazy, gettin’ into a sweat about nothin’.
CHIEF ENGINEER We’ll fieght for the rieght to be loyal.
2nd ENGINEER Ond the rieght to keep in stap.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond for the rieght to axport the hard things we’re mackin’ in this foctory.
2nd ENGINEER Ond we’ll fieght for our holy ralugion.
BLIND ANT Blank tew three fore, blank tew three fore …
2nd ENGINEER Quacker! We’re wastin’ time. Quacker, quacker!
CHIEF ENGINEER The horder we wurk, the safer we are from those bawd awnts in the south.
TRAMP But sure them other ants you’re talkin’ about isn’t bitin’ you at all. Take it aisy now. And don’t keep on repeatin’ them slogans you have or I’ll be believin’ them meself next.
CHIEF ENGINEER We’re defandin’ our honour!
2nd ENGINEER Ond the honour of all our dead awnts of glorious and immortal mamory.4
CHIEF ENGINEER (Roaring at the ants) QUACKER! QUACKER!!
TRAMP (Musing) I don’t know. What would happen if they all sat down and took a rest? Nothing.
BLIND ANT Blank tew three fore, blank tew three fore …
TRAMP These poor whores has a lot of oul chat off be heart and they keep sayin’ it and sayin’ it and workin’ for it and workin’ for it. And what harm but it means nothin’ as far as I can see.
2nd ENGINEER Quacker, Quacker!
TRAMP I wonder who told them all them yarns.
An ant collapses, dying.
2nd ENGINEER Whot’s thon? Quacker, quacker!
CHIEF ENGINEER Blank tew three fore. Carry him off, quack! Tack away the body. Blank tew three fore!