2nd ENGINEER He died because he’s loyal, he died for the empiere of the Good Awnts.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Shouting) Luft him up rieght and tack him out quack! Yew’re wastin’ time, d’ye see. Hurry, quacker!
TRAMP Well begob you can’t say he wasted anny time himself when he was dyin’. He passed out like a lighted match, the poor bastard.
2nd ENGINEER He died because he was tryin’ to keep in stap.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond now he’s a glorious awnt of immortal memory. Quacker! Blank tew three fore.
Enter a POLITICIAN, groping, lost in thought.
POLITICIANGet away now ond don’t talk to me. I’m thankin’.
2nd ENGINEER Thon’s our wee head Politeecian.
POLITICIANAh’ve got a grawnd idea for a new slogan. Don’t say a word, don’t mack any noise. I’m thankin’.
2nd ENGINEER Do ye mind that now.
POLITICIAN A grawnd … new … poleetical … slogan, d’ye see.
CHIEF ENGINEER A slogan that’ll mack them work horder ond be more hord-headed!
POLITICIANA slogan that’ll mack them fieght ond be right ond be loyal ond keep in stap. Stop, now, I nearly have it!
2nd ENGINEER Be quiet, the Politeecian is thankin’.
CHIEF ENGINEER On thot’s what we’re bodly in need of — a grawnd new slogan, d’ye see.
POLITICIANA slogan that’ll mack them join the Ormy in thousands and mullions ond hundreds of mullions of thousands, tans of thousands of mullions of mullions.
2nd ENGINEER Ond die in mullions to keep in stap.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond to show they’re hord-headed ond loyal.
POLITICIANOch, it’s swirlin’ around unside my head, a grawnd new slogan, Ah’ll have it in a minit, don’t any-body say a wurd now.
2nd ENGINEER The Politeecian is thankin’ hord.
CHIEF ENGINEER He’s a grawnd genius, the Politeecian, Ah don’t know where we’d be without him so Ah don’t.
2nd ENGINEER He’s the greatest Politeecian in the whole wurld!
CHIEF ENGINEER He’s the most voluable thing we have.
2nd ENGINEER Shure if we hodn’t him we wouldn’t have war. Ond then we couldn’t be loyal ond hord-headed.
CHIEF ENGINEER Aye, war. WAR! We’ll soon have war. Ond we’ll want thon new slogan.
2nd ENGINEER For to get mullions and mullions into the Ormy.
CHIEF ENGINEER The Green Awnts in the south will force war on us ond try ond mack us talk Lotin.
2nd ENGINEER Ond force it down the throats of the wee awnts.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond try ond mack them disloyal.
2nd ENGINEER Ond shame all our dead awnts of glorious ond immortal mamory.
CHIEF ENGINEER But us awnts’ll fieght ond us awnts’ll be rieght.
2nd ENGINEER Aye surely.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Shouting suddenly) Quacker, quacker, quacker! Blank tew three fore! Get intil trainin’ because we’re goin’ to have war!
2nd ENGINEER War for our homes and our holy relugion!
CHIEF ENGINEER War against the dirty Green Awnts.
TRAMP Now don’t tell me there’s goin’ to be more slaughter. Can’t yez stop fightin’ and atin’ one another at all?
CHIEF ENGINEER It’s us or them, d’ye ondherstawnd?
2nd ENGINEER Thon’s a massinger comin’. A massinger!
CHIEF ENGINEER A Massinger! With news of war!
Enter a MESSENGER.
MESSENGER Ah beg to report, sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond what’s your massage, say it quack.
MESSENGER Ah’m from the Ormy G.H.Q., sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Well hurry on, what’s your massage?
MESSENGER The Green Awnts was chasin’ a sick beetle for to eat it.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond it came into our territory?
MESSENGER Yes sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER In clear defiance of international law.
MESSENGER Yes sir. Ond it died in our territory sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond they want us to give it back to them? Notwithstanding the fact that mullions of our own awnts are starvin for the want of good food?
MESSENGER Yes sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond what did they say? What cheeky impartinent massage did they send about it?
CHIEF ENGINEER This is it, sir.
Hands over a letter.
CHIEF ENGINEER What do the bostards say? (Opens letter and reads) The Government of the Green Awnts prasants their compliments ond would like the parmussion of the Yellow Awnts to come intil their tarritory for to retrieve the dead beetle rightly belonging to the Green Awnts aforesaid. Signed by Deevil … Deevil so-ond-so.5 Well there’s not much in thon latter. They’ll get no permussion so they’ll not. They’ll get no permussion for to tack away the beetle. The beetle is our propty by international law.
2nd ENGINEER (Coming forward and peering at letter) But what’s thon? There’s a P.S. there.
CHIEF ENGINEER A P.S.? Och so there is. What does it say? P.S. Eff ye don’t give permussion we’ll come ond get it anyway. Yours sincerely, the Green Awnts.
2nd ENGINEER A threat! An ultimatum!
CHIEF ENGINEER War! A holy war!
2nd ENGINEER Our exastince is threatened!
CHIEF ENGINEER A tarrible war to preserve our weemen and children. Call everybody to arms!
2nd ENGINEER Mobilise! To orms, to orms!
CHIEF ENGINEER The foul and patiless enemy is forcing us to defand ourselves. To orms!
There is general excitement and rushing about on the part of the ants. Several begin to appear with crude weapons. A strange and opulent-looking ant enters.
2nd ENGINEER Who’s thon?
CHIEF ENGINEER Who are you, sor?
STRANGE ANT (In refined English accent) Matter of fact old boy I represent the Emperor of all the free ants and all that. Dropped into see you about fearfully boring imperial matters,6 imperial contribution and all that.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Sullenly) We’ve ped all we owe.
2nd ENGINEER Ond we’ve kept in step, d’ye ondherstawnd.
STRANGE ANT Frightfully sorry but you must pay more, cost of living going up and all that.
CHIEF ENGINEER We’ve paid every penny we owe and delivered four mullion balls of food.
STRANGE ANT Not enough old man.
2nd ENGINEER It’s enough ond planty ond damn the more we’ll pay, d’ye ondherstawnd.
STRANGE ANT Magnificent dead beetle in your territory, must have that, you know, have instructions from higher up to annex it and attach it and so on. Food for the people in the Greater Ant Realm, fearfully important thing to keep them fed. Know how you feel and all that but it must be done, you know.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Savagely) You’ll tack thon beetle over our dead bodies, so you wull.
2nd ENGINEER (Very excited) We’ll die first, do ye hear, we’ll die first!
STRANGE ANT Do you mean war? Black shaow, war, you know. Fearful slaughter and bloodshed and all that. But rather glorious in its own queer way. Die for your country, you know. The supreme sacrifice. Altars and homes and all that.
CHIEF ENGINEER Eff yew poot wun finger on thon beetle —
2nd ENGINEER Ye’ll be massacreed, d’ye hear.
STRANGE ANT By Jove I think this is treason! Treason. You are all frightfully Irish here.
2nd ENGINEER We’re loyal but we’re goin’ to keep thon beetle.
CHIEF ENGINEER Is this the thanks we get for keepin’ in stup?
STRANGE ANT (In delighted amazement) By George it’s a rebellion! These elements here are disaffected. Enemies of the Emperor of all the Ants! I say, this is quite a story! Really I must report back!
2nd ENGINEER Ye can go back to haal where ye came from!
STRANGE ANT An insurrection!
CHIEF ENGINEER Eff ye want war it’s war ye’ll get, d’ye hear.
STRANGE ANT If you start insurrecting, you knaow, we’ll have to put you down with a firm hand. Suspend habeas corpus and all that. Really, I think we are going t
o have war here! A BLOODY … NOBLE … AND DISASTROUS WAR FOR HONOUR AND DECENCY.
CHIEF ENGINEER To orms, to orms! We’re being attacked!
STRANGE ANT (Going out) No matter what you give them these damn people aren’t satisfied. They’re really hopeless, you knaow. Must report all this nonsense. We’ll wipe the blighters out and restore order.
2nd ENGINEER (Roaring after him) May ye roast in haal!
CHIEF ENGINEER To orms! We’ll fieght them ond the Green Awnts as well. We’ll fieght everybody!
There is great activity; soldier-ants rush all over the place, bugles blow, sirens sound.
TRAMP Well do you know what I’m goin’ to tell you. Do you know what it is. Them buggers is all mad. Down the road we have a dead beetle with his dirty bloody guts stickin’ out of him and all classes of wasps and bluebottles tryin’ to ate him — a dirty useless-lookin’ sight. And these lads here wants to die for that. Nothin’ will do them but get slaughtered for a dead beetle. I’d die meself, of course, if I’d any reason to. I’d give me life this minute for a pint of porter and often risked me life for less. But a dead beetle! A DEAD BEETLE! Sure that’s a terrible reason for dyin’. The whole bloody lot of them is crackers.
EGG (Shouting) Do you hear the mighty trumpets, the vast noises that announce my coming? The firmament resounds, I am nearly here!
TRAMP YOU’RE nearly here. Begob when you see what’s goin’ on here you won’t stay long then.
Activity among the ants has increased.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Eloquently) Soldiers, friends, countrymen! We have to call the whole lot of ye to the colours. Not one wacked anemy is attackin’ us but TWO. The Amperor of the Awnts is attackin’ because we won’t give up our own beetle, ond them wacked Green Awnts is flyin’ at us too, some of them hardened speakers of Lotin!
2nd ENGINEER We’ll have to call the weemen to the colours too. Ond the wee ants as well.
CHIEF ENGINEER At this great hour I have to proclaim meself Dactator!
2nd ENGINEER Three cheers for the Dactator!
TRAMP Good man yourself! Get out now and bate the lard out of them other fellas.
2nd ENGINEER We’ll fight for our altars ond our homes.
CHIEF ENGINEER We go to war proudly, seeking death or glory for our altars ond our homes ond the right to keep our own beetles, d’ye ondherstawnd. QUICK MARCH! I now assume commond of all our ormies. We fieght because we are attacked. I am with you till the last drop of me blood.
2nd ENGINEER We’ll all have to keep in stap with one another ond kill all them bostards that’s attackin’ us. We fieght for the honour of our dead awnts of glorious and immortal memory. Quack march, to vactory or death!
There is marching all about the stage, drums beat and bugles blow. A particularly large drum7 dominates the others.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Screaming) Goodbye, now, soldiers, good luck, good bye, fieght with all your might, never give in, shed the last drop of your blood, I’m here behind you all the time, make the world safe for your weemen and wee awnts, defand your altars ond your homes, navver give in, navver NAVVER give in.
2nd ENGINEER Quack morch, blank two three fore! We’ll fieght ond we’ll be rieght! The ormy is ready. Show no quarter!
CHIEF ENGINEER Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee ones!
2nd ENGINEER Burn all before ye.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond kill all them bostards that speak Lotin, d’ye understawnd!
Troops keep marching past on their way to the front. A MESSENGER rushes in.
2nd ENGINEER Wipe out everybody ye meet, tear the lights out of them Green Awnts. Ond them Red Awnts, do tham all in, roast them all in haal, cut them into wee bits, slaughter the whole domn lot!
CHIEF ENGINEER Onwards, soldiers, to the soop-reme sacrifice, die for your altars ond your commonder-in-chief. Ond for your weemen and wee awnts. Well, what do you wont?
MESSENGER The Red Awnts has pooshed our forces back ond the Green Awnts is behind them pooshin’ them the other way. Half of our forces is destroyed.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Shouting) Avverything is goin’ according to plan. Two more divisions to the front! Quack march! Your country calls! Onwards to death or glory! Show thot you’re worthy of your fathers of glorious ond immortal mamory! Quack march, laft, right, laft, right …
Fresh regiments march out beating enormous drums. Great bangs are heard in distance.
CHIEF ENGINEER Call fresh men to the colours! Get ready the reserves.
EGG Vast detonations shake the earth, thunderous music interferes with the rhythm of the spheres. The universe is in labour! Soon it will bring me forth!
TRAMP (Sotto voce) I see.
CHIEF ENGINEER The great bottle is on! Second Angineer, wull ye issue a communique.
2nd ENGINEER (In a loud toneless voice) Our preparations are proceeding according to plan. Ten thousand annemy troops are encircled and faced with annihilation. Our gallant forces, fieghting against tremendous odds, have occupied two thousand fortified points. The defeated annemy is being closely pursued. Mopping up operations are in progress. The morale of the troops is excellent.
Enter MESSENGER.
MESSENGER The first, sacond, third, fourth ond fifth regiments has been completely destroyed.
CHIEF ENGINEER The bottle is progressing, a grand enormous bottle of annihilation is goin’ on, avverything’s goin’ according to plan. Send up more fresh troops! Eighth, Ninth ond Tanth Regiments, quack morch!
TRAMP If all this is goin’ accordin’ to plan, it’s a bloody queer plan, that’s all I have to say.
2nd ENGINEER Quack morch! Dath or glory!
CHIEF ENGINEER Give out another communique!
2nd ENGINEER The annemy has lost half a million awnts in dead ond missing. The booty has not yet been counted but it is known thot a thousand
annemy aircraft was destroyed on the ground. Mopping up operations are in progress.
A MESSENGER rushes in.
MESSENGER The Eighth, Ninth ond Tanth Regiments has been wiped out. War has been declared on us by the Purple Awnts from across the sea because we’re at war with the Red Awnts. The Green Awnts has captured the Seventh Regiment ond is torturin’ them ond makin’ them speak Lotin!
CHIEF ENGINEER (Roaring) Quack morch, more regiments ond more drums. A great victory is axpacted! We are stronger now than when the war storted. Our production of aircraft ond munitions is staggerin’ and mountin’ every day. The tempo of our war effort increases. Call up the 50’s.8 Forward gallant soldiers! The home front is behind ye!
2nd ENGINEER We’ll fight to the last drop of our blood. We will never capitulate, d’ye undherstawnd!
CHIEF ENGINEER Send out forty thousand bombers right away!
Enter another MESSENGER.
MESSENGER Two more regiments have been wiped out.
CHIEF ENGINEER Call the wee awnts up for military service. Our gallant troops at the front is performin’ prodigies of valour. All must share in this glorious task!
Enter stretcher-bearers carrying a wounded ant. Others follow.
TRAMP Ah begob your man is banjaxed. The unfortunate poor whore is bet.
WOUNDED ANT (Faintly) Stop this, stop this. We are being cut to ribbons. A drink!
CHIEF ENGINEER Move up another regiment! Give out another communique, Angineer!
2nd ENGINEER Formations of our aircraft have successfully carried out a heavy bombing raid on annemy territory. Harbour installations ond malatory objactives were successfully attacked. Bombs were seen to burst on the target area. Forty-five thousand annemy planes were shot down in air bottles. All our planes returned safely to their bases …
MESSENGER Ond the Pink Awnts has declared war on us because we are at war with their friends the Red Awnts. Ond another thing has happened …
2nd ENGINEER Ond what’s that?
MESSENGER The Green Awnts that talk Lotin is attackin’ the Green Awnts that doesn’t talk Lotin.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Loudly) Our low ond despacable enemies are divid
ed amongst thamsalves, they have all shot their leaders, there is terrible mutiny goin’ on, vactory is in sight.
2nd ENGINEER Avverything’s goin’ accordin’ to plan.
Several wounded ants have been carried in on stretchers. They groan hideously.
TRAMP Ah your poor men, they have the insides shot out of them. Do you hear them lettin’ roars out of them!
WOUNDED ANT Shoot me! Put me out of me pain!
TRAMP Ah the poor bugger.
CHIEF ENGINEER I see a further massenger approaching. Get ready more reserves! Morch up another new ormy! Call up the wee awnts of 16!
A PHILANTHROPIST ANT with a red cross on him enters.
PHILANTHROPIST Halp the wounded!
TRAMP Ah yes, the poor wounded buggers.
PHILANTHROPIST Halp the heroes, the glorious ond immortal heroes.
CHIEF ENGINEER Reinforcements! Hurry with the reserves! Here’s the massenger.
TRAMP (Tears off a button from his coat) Ah yes, the poor wounded buggers. Here y’are, me son!
He puts the button in the box. Enter MESSENGER.
MESSENGER The Tanth, Eleventh, Twalfth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth ond Saxteenth Ormies has been wiped out.
CHIEF ENGINEER Our heroic men continue to fight gallantly. The annemy has sustained enormous losses. Give out another communique!
MESSENGER Ond the Savventeenth Ormy is now in the middle of bein’ wiped out too.
2nd ENGINEER Last night our troops fought the annemy along the whole front. Several fortified places ond inhabited localities was taken. Our troops are pursuing the defeated annemy. Mopping up operations are in progress.
CHIEF ENGINEER Get me a wee spy-glass.
2nd ENGINEER (Shouting) A wee spy-glass for the Commonder-in-Chief!
TRAMP Begob it’s a good spy-glass you’ll want if it’s yerself winnin’ you want to see.
A soldier-ant brings a telescope.
CHIEF ENGINEER The annemy is in headlong retreat!
2nd ENGINEER Vactory, vactory!
CHIEF ENGINEER We have captured ond invested five blades of grass.
2nd ENGINEER Vactory!
CHIEF ENGINEER The annemy has sustained enormous ond bloody losses. I see nothing but dead Green Awnts ond dead Red Awnts ond dead Pink Awnts. Ond dead Mauve Awnts. Ond dead Brown Awnts. Everybody is dead excapt our own awnts.