Chapter Five – Ashley Revealed
We were all safely back on the ground in Philly and returning to a few weeks of normal life. Things were a bit unsettled for me though. Atlanta had been a great weekend and even the extra day Jillian and I shared with Jason was fun. It was nice to see such love and interaction between a brother and sister and they included me too. But something was missing here at home, I wasn’t being included.
Rand wasn’t calling or texting as much, and he just seemed preoccupied and very busy. When I had conversations with him I wasn’t certain he was actually listening to me. One day I even said to him, “What do you think about the purple lemons that have taken over the world?” He simply replied, “Oh that’s cool!” I wasn’t sure what was going on but I felt a distance with him that I wished I could bridge. I missed him, my friend, and my stunning rocker. I just wasn’t sure what to do or if there was anything for me to do.
I had been contacted to speak at a local writing seminar so that began to take up some of my time keeping me busy as I had to prepare a speech and some ideas to discuss in an open forum. I also had been trying to put the band’s road traveling notes together, so eventually days and hours flew by with all the time I spent writing. For a few days, Jillian and I actually hooked up at the gym and all we seemed to talk about was the band. We seemed like the two oldest groupies.
Each night though, I looked up toward my bedroom wall and would smile at the Separation portrait, and yes Rand and I lately seemed to be separated. I said a silent prayer that my life would be fulfilled and that I would perhaps be happy again one day and possibly learn that I could give love. During these past days I had gotten another voice mail from Thomas who was again overly happy in his tone, and he looked forward to our upcoming meeting in Texas.
As I put my head to my pillow rehashing all that had happened in the past few months, it exhausted me. I was happy thinking that Raeford and Jillian were talking a lot and planning to meet up at some of the band’s rehearsals which she was getting excited about. I too had inner excitement just thinking of all the times with Rand, and I began to go over in my mind every detail of Rand, from his head to his eyes, to his…I stopped at his lips. I traced my lips and thought of him. I wanted his lips over mine so badly, and this was my last thought as I drifted off to sleep. I dreamt that night about him, seeing him standing there looking over at me, gently touching my face. I must have been deep in a dead sleep, because when I did wake up once during the night I saw I had a text message and I never heard it sound when it arrived. It was from Rand –
Good morning Madison, I can’t sleep and haven’t been good company with you or anyone. I’ve been in a funk and I don’t want to pull you into it. Just know all I can give to you now is I’m missing you. I was thinking if you have this Friday night open, maybe we could get together at the barn. I can play you what I’ve been working on. Let me know and if you are sleeping as I write this, I hope I’m in your dreams.
I had been dreaming of him and I was getting the impression that he could actually read my mind lately. I picked up my phone and sent him a reply –
What’s better than waking up to your words? I felt something bothering you but I didn’t want to pry. You can talk to me about it if you want to share. And Friday sounds great, what time? Miss you too.
Rand’s reply was quite simple –
Definitely do not want to talk about it. I am too drained already thinking about it. There are things you don’t know about me and we aren’t going to discuss this tonight, but for now I hope you can fall back to sleep. Even though you don’t need any beauty sleep. I’m looking forward to seeing you Friday, at The Wall at seven?
I read his text and knew that there was no way I was going back to sleep because I wondered what he was going through. I was overthinking that he maybe wanted an out and needed to tell me that he was back with Ashley or someone else. My head was going to hurt thinking so much, but first I did send him my reply. –
I hope Friday comes quick….at seven you will see me, I’ll even wear a Rolling Isaac’s tank so you can play to me like a fan. Goodnight.
I had been right about one thing and that was I never did return to sleep that night or the following nights. I did doze off during the day here and there but not a sound sleep since his words had me questioning what was going on. I did know that my entire body was anxious and hungry to see him again. I had thought of how close we became in Atlanta. I had held onto the hopes that he truly wanted me close to him. Even as I wrote about the band, as I ate meals, showered, cleaned my home, he was all that I saw in my head. I looked so forward to just the sight of him again. I thought about him over and over the next few days until finally it was…
Friday finally arrived. I had been pacing about all week like any girl does waiting for the guy to call her after she has given her phone number to them. I decided that I would take plenty of time to get ready so I would look attractive for him, I took a little extra moment to do my hair, and I put on a little more Light Blue perfume as he mentioned he liked that a few months back. I spent time picking out the perfect outfit, I was feeling like this was a date. I don’t know what it was going to be. With Rand, you never knew, one moment he is swooping in and keeping me close and the next I am alone.
Since the weather now was warmer this time of year, I thought I would wear just a plain white, long, sheer skirt, which flowed to the floor and it had an underlay fabric stopping at the knee and of course the Rolling Isaac’s tank top I promised. I wore white wedges, as I could wear high shoes, Rand had at least seven inches in height on me and no heels in my closet would ever be that high. Since my hair style had exposed my ears a bit, I put in long dangle earrings that hung below the edges of my hair. I refreshed my makeup several times and as the hour got close to seven I headed out the door.
When I arrived at their rehearsal barn, it was pretty dark. I didn’t see Rand’s Hummer there and no other cars. I parked and walked up to the doors, it was open as they left it open most days because someone was always rolling in. I did though turn more lights on when I entered. I walked up to the loft area near The Wall and sat to wait for Rand. I walked up and was looking at some of the additions to The Wall; time began to pass and no Rand. I went over to the bar and took out a beer, surely something must have held him up, he would call if he was going to be too late I thought. Or could he have forgotten? I sat there for quite awhile and when I looked up at the clock down near their studio it read eight twenty–two. I had tried to text him, but didn’t get a response and I was just about to give in and try to call him to see if we were still on when I heard the door below open. I looked down below to see that it was Raeford coming in and I waved from above. Raeford left the door open and he yelled up that he was going to be bringing in some new speakers. I figured maybe Rand was coming in behind him to help. Raeford first, though continued up the steps and hugged me and said, “Hey Madison what are you doing here all alone?”
I answered him, “I was supposed to meet Rand here tonight at seven, is he with you?” There was a moment of that dead silence, that horrible pause and Raeford said, “No sweetheart, he left earlier for Ashley…”
Raeford could see immediately my face drain and my eyes fill with tears, I said between my sobs, “I knew he was in love with her, I knew it was Ashley. I’m not a stupid person and I knew he was acting distant and strange all week. I know I can’t ever compete with her.”
“It’s not a competition,” Raeford looked confused.
“But, I’ve heard his ballad Missing Ash and it is so heartfelt. I’ve even saw the leather cuff he wears with her name and he kisses it after completing his shows. I can see in front of me how young and beautiful she is in this picture here on The Wall.” I slammed my hand against the wall. “I’m definitely not as young or as beautiful, I can’t even compare.”
“Oh you are beautiful Madison, I think you’re confused.”
“I bet him asking to meet with me was so he could let me dow
n easy tonight. I think he was going to say goodbye. And, Raeford I was falling for him. Now he’s gone to be with Ashley. I feel like such a fool.” My eyes pooled with tears.
Raeford reached up to my face and wiped my tears and then he took my hands together and sat me down and said, “Madison, let me tell you about Ashley.” I was shaking with tears and looking at him not sure I wanted to hear him speak.
Raeford was always a calm person, and didn’t talk very often. At this moment he seemed to want to share what was going on because Rand failed to enlighten me. While a part of me dreaded what he would say, I was all ears and poised to listen as Raeford began to speak.
“Ashley brought a personality like no other to the band. She actually brought all of us with our crazy, off the wall personalities together and she has been able to keep us grounded. She’s taught us what is important in life.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say?”
“Growing up without love from her father, Ashley and Rand formed a very close bond. She became his biggest cheerleader for all his music.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen her at the shows lately, she’s lovely, I think I would have noticed her.”
“Madison she’s actually always with us, and you’re right you have never seen her.”
“So you’re telling me that he chose to be with her tonight and not even let me know?”
“Madison, he has to be near her tonight, but he should have told you why. Madison, after Rand’s mom passed away which was very hard on him, Ashley picked him up and they became inseparable. She was here for almost every rehearsal and was at all our shows.” Raeford paused and said, “Madison, please don’t let this hurt you but Rand will never stop loving her.” I let out a sob and started to cry again. Raeford paused to hug me so tenderly and again wiped my tears. He then continued to speak. I was barely listening as my heart was beginning to break.
“A year ago tomorrow, we were in the Finger Lakes of New York wine tasting. We hired a limo that drove us to the wineries of Seneca and Cayuga.”
“Where are you taking me Raeford, on a wine tour?”
“Madison, let me finish. We drank a lot that day, and hit the hotel to chill before our concert that night. We had a show at the Glenora Winery. It was awesome our stage looked out over tons of vineyards. It was a packed crowd and right down in front was Ashley and her friends. Rand took hold of the microphone as he does and welcomed New York and thanked all the wineries for the spirits they supplied to us earlier in the day. We were all feeling good and played one of our best shows.”
“Raeford where are you going with this?
“Well, after the show Ashley praised Rand on his newest song, which she’d been pushing him to complete. I remember her hugging Rand tightly as she kissed him and shouted to us that she was heading back with her friends to the inn.”
“I don’t think I really want to hear about him and her kissing, I feel upset already.”
“I know how you feel but let me finish. We were staying to sign autographs. We were on such a high from our show, while we were at the autograph table signing away, there was a terrible accident just a few miles away.”
“Raeford what are you trying to tell me?”
“While Ashley and her friends were driving back to the inn, another car flew through the intersection in Watkins Glen. It was like something out of a NASCAR race. The other car crashed into their vehicle and the impact flipped them into oncoming traffic.”
Raeford paused and, I had to close my eyes, my mind was racing thinking that either Rand lost his girlfriend tragically or she survived and he was with her now. I opened my eyes to see Raeford tear. He took a deep breath. “Ashley’s life was so bright and promising and then suddenly in a moment it darkened. She hung on for days on life support. We cried and we took turns talking to her, singing to her, and we prayed.”
“Raeford, I am so sorry.”
“Something had to be done to save her, but the doctors told us her brain was going to bleed out. The decision was made to remove her from life support. Rand was the only person to do this. Rand let her go, and something died in him at that moment too. Ashley was his twin sister.”
I suddenly gasped and then broke into tears, the breath left my chest, and I felt like I couldn’t get air. Raeford comforted me and he continued to rock me, he held me to his face as tears rolled down into my hair, and we both cried. We remained holding one another for a long time. I heard Raeford choke up and sob, only it wasn’t Raeford, it was Rand standing in the landing to the loft. How long he had been standing there neither of us knew. Raeford rose up slowly releasing my hold on him and as Rand walked up I heard Raeford tell him in a low voice, “Man, she should know.” Rand reached out and pulled Raeford in for a man hug and walked to me, he sat; he pulled me in, he cried, so hard. All I could do was hold onto him.
He whispered to me in between his tears that he received a call to go to attend a candlelight vigil in Ashley’s honor and he had silenced his phone during it. He thought he would get back here to see me a little late but then he mentally broke down and couldn’t compose himself for the longest time. He had arrived on the loft landing below the moment I had melted down about him being in love with Ashley and carrying on about all the signs I was seeing. He didn’t have it in him to begin to tell me the story of this love that he lost, when he heard Raeford begin to tell it, he let him go. If it was any comfort to Rand after all this, I at least know he may have heard I was falling for him.
Rand walked over and stood near The Wall, he removed the cuff that he wore for Ashley and kissed it and hung it next to her beautiful photograph. He turned toward me and came over slowly, he pulled me up into him and as we held each other, I now knew what had been taken from him that had hurt him so badly. I wasn’t certain that I could ever repair this. He looked at me and asked, “Madison, please stay with me?” I didn’t say a word as I simply slipped his hand in mine calmly and walked with him, his arms around my waist out of the barn and across the moist grass up toward his house. I took his keys from him and after a try or two found the key that fit the front door and I led him to his grand bedroom at the end of the upstairs hallway. I climbed into his bed, and he settled in next to me. He wrapped himself around me and didn’t let go, he cried, he sobbed and all I could do was remain there holding onto him. I knew my being there was helping him. I also knew that when the sun rose in the morning it would not be a brand new day, it would be a worse day for him as it would be the anniversary of Ashley’s passing. I was grieving for him; I held in my tears and bit my lip to pass the crying urges. He need not worry about me right now.
As morning came, I woke to Rand sitting up in the bed writing in his journal with one hand resting above my head. With each pen stroke he would look down at me. He came in close to me and kissed my forehead, I closed my eyes and he then licked my sleepy lids, my insides seeped with a pleasant tingle. He then said in an intriguing way, “Thank you for last night.” His tone sounded like we had just completed a night of sex and we hadn’t but it’s not that I wouldn’t have wanted to. Rand rose and headed to the kitchen to again make me a great breakfast. Several times while we ate, he apologized and I just shook my head side to side to relay to him silently, “no” as he had nothing to be sorry for.
“So thank you again for my great breakfast. Is there anything you need today?” I wanted to begin this day on a happier note knowing the sadness he was surely feeling.
“I need you, Madison can you stay here with me today?” He continued, “I know I need you and want to give you so much, but I don’t know if I ever can. I’m glad you know what happened and I wish I had been able to tell you.”
I told him I would stay for the day only if he would get me to my home for some much needed clean clothes. After breakfast he took me back to my home for a bit so I could change and as I was in my bedroom he walked in and took my travel bag from my closet and began filling it with some other clothes of mine.
Laughing he said, “You can leave this at my place so I won’t have to bring you back here anytime soon.” I walked over and I pulled him into me and kissed him. I started to kiss him on his lips and trailed downward. I leaned into his tee shirt and said, “I’m here for you, this is going to be a very hard day for you.” He tightened his hold on me.
The band members, one at a time had phoned him today to share their memories of Ashley and share with him his pain. I held his hand through all the calls and I wiped his tears after each one. During the afternoon, I went to the sunroom and phoned Jillian and filled her in on what happened. She actually surprised me by saying that Raeford called her last night when he left me and Rand and stopped by to see her and opened up to her.
“Madison I know your heart is hurting but I know you can feel enough to help Rand through this. From what Raeford told me you are the one to help Rand.” The fact was, I was falling hard for him, but I was certain he didn’t have what I would need; I didn’t think he would ever commit or even move forward with me. For now I just had to take him in and I was on the other side now, I needed to help another.
Early evening we were in his study and I was seated on one end of the large sofa and he was at the other. The doorbell sounded. Rand got up and went to answer the door; Maxwell had been away all day and stopped in to see how he was coping. Maxwell seemed pleasantly surprised to see me there when he entered the study. He sat with us and got us up to speed with the itinerary for the Texas concerts and then said after a brief break it would be off to the west coast. This took Rand’s mind from the present day and he looked like he was finally coming back to the Rand we loved. I sat with Maxwell for while and shared with him some teasers of the writings of the band that I had. He laughed at some and others he said that I nailed the storyline. I felt comfort in being there with him and Rand; I felt I was supposed to be there. This day was surely just as hard on Maxwell since he had been Ashley’s uncle. When he tired and felt he should head out, Maxwell said a goodbye and hugged me tightly. He told Rand to take it easy for a few days and then get to rehearsal. I heard my phone sound while they were saying their goodnights at the front door.
I received a text from Rand?
I can’t begin to thank you for staying. I miss texting you. Can we head to bed? I just want to hold you. I’m relieved I made it through this day and I couldn’t have done it without you.
I pulled my notebook out and knew I had to write at this moment, another love note to him quickly, while Rand and Maxwell continued their conversation in the foyer.
Rand:
My heart is so broken for you right now. I have now been told who the lovely Ashley was and I cry as I write these words to you. I cannot believe what sadness you must contain within yourself. I only hope I can somehow, someway bring in to you some ray of hope that you can feel for another. I am glad that Raeford told me the entire story as I would never have wanted to put you through such pain again. I am here for you and I don’t think you even know that.
Funny how life is, my ex-husband shattered me and now is trying to come back into my life. Something though changed after he left that I cannot recapture…but also since he left and we divorced I’ve found you. I know we are not a couple, but then again I don’t know what we are to one another; I just know I don’t want this to end. Since I cannot label what we are, I don’t ask you to answer to me, I seem to take what you can give me and for now it is more than I have felt and I will gladly accept that. But I would love to be more assertive and ask you things more openly that I’m thinking but you are so empty inside that I back away and I walk on egg shells and treat you so tenderly to not loose this taste of happiness you’ve allowed me to sample.
Fate is a funny meeting place of many and our paths have crossed at this time for a reason. I hope one of us figures it out. I hope it is an essential crossing of our lives to perhaps join one path together. Rand as you play your guitar on some songs; I feel every stroke you pick with. As you sing, your words and eyes pierce through me like an arrow.
My mind aches at the love lost and sadness you and I both feel, but can we rebuild our lives when it seems like there’s no foundation to build on? Can either of us take a chance on the other trusting and believing?
I only seek to find what lies ahead, and I hope it is you Rand standing at the crossroad for me to venture forward. I give you a sweet, tender kiss as I write to try to display there is love out here and hope.
Maddy xo
I stayed that night with him and I didn’t leave for the next few evenings. Each passing day got a bit sweeter. Rand would snuggle up to me each evening and although we didn’t have the passion sweep us away yet, I kept him calm and feeling warmth during the darkest days that he was dealing with. We were now on another level, we just seemed to hold onto one another, and savor the time spent in each other’s arms. Rand did become more affectionate, kissing and hugging me more. A few times when we were in public he seemed to play down or actually ignore some of the lovely girls that were always hanging around.
I wasn’t sure where Rand and I we were heading but for right now I was back on board with him and the entire band and enjoying my life.