Chapter Six – Thomas’s Return
We were all heading to Texas and I arrived this morning with a cowboy hat and boots to match, ready to kick up my heels in this next state. We had received a briefing from Maxwell which contained a schedule of three concerts to come, along with some added free time in between each. The first show was in Austin, then off to San Antonio, and then lastly to a resort in Galveston. Rand was in a very good mood this morning and as we sat together on the plane, he tilted my cowboy hat down low and came underneath for a very long, drawn out, lip smacking, wet kiss. Even though we had kissed a lot recently, I was still missing his lips and the past few weeks had been full of love lost memories and a lot of painful emotions. This felt good as he took my mouth to his and gently swirled his tongue with mine. He reached under my chin and cupped it, never breaking our embrace.
Raeford tapped me on the brim of my hat, and handed over his phone, just before we were about to take off. “Hello” I answered.
“Well I just wanted to tell you to have an awesome time. You go girl, write your story and make sure it’s juicy.” Jillian said. “Oh, and aren’t you meeting up with Thomas at one of the shows?”
I answered, “I’ll make it very descriptive just for you and I’m not meeting up with him, we’re just going to talk.” I hadn’t wanted to think about this at all. Thinking of meeting Thomas had my emotions all over the place and I certainly didn’t want to bring it up to Rand. Rand wasn’t following my conversation with her which was good, although I was choosing my words very carefully. I had already obtained a VIP access pass for Thomas from Maxwell, telling Maxwell I was meeting an old friend to take with me to the concert. I didn’t think I really had to tell anyone any more about who he was. With Jillian still speaking to me on the phone she continued, “Oh, and Madison can you….” in a whisper voice like someone would over hear her on the phone in my ear, “watch Raeford for me. I really do like him.” I laughed and said, “I certainly will, love you Jill, we’re taking off now.” Rand pulled me into his chest and I remained there until we landed.
We arrived at the Driskill, which was a legendary, landmark hotel in Austin. It was a breathtaking site to take in. The hotel design was very luxurious and historical; it was built in the 1800’s. I was told too that there was a lot of ghost activity here at this hotel. As the band settled into their assigned rooms and I was in mine, I heard a knock at the door, but when I opened it no one was there. Perhaps it was one of the ghosts of the hotel. I then returned to unpacking my clothes and heard the knock again, but it was coming from the door in the sitting area of my hotel room. It was a connecting door to the next room. Perhaps this was for families that stayed here, the children could be in the other area. I opened this inner door. Standing up against the frame was a sight to behold.
Rand was standing there in jeans that rested just below his hips and he was shirtless and barefoot. I didn’t speak, I just had to swallow and exhale slowly, even his naked feet got to me. Rand lifted his face up and sent me his electrifying smile. Already in my room when I arrived was a bottle of champagne, a bowl of ripened strawberries, and some selected cheeses and crackers on the table in the sitting area.
“Madison, I think we are missing something we both need right now.”
“Like what?”
“How about these?” He pulled from behind him, two champagne flutes. He then took the champagne bottle from the ice bucket walking proudly to the bed in the other room. He sat on the bed and tapped the bed for me to join him.
The rest of the afternoon we drank champagne, ate strawberries and cheese intermingled with kisses and licks to one another’s lips. We had created our own type of edible treats; appetizers that definitely whetted our appetites for more. Rand made use of his talented fingers and traced them along my face and then pulled my chin upward to meet his still hungry mouth. I found being in his arms and the taste from his lips that I could hunger for more. Although Rand and I could have stayed in my bed there, in that room for a long time, we decided to head out and walk about the hotel. Since previously hearing of ghost encounters in the hotel, my interest was piqued. Being a writer, I thrive on that, and was intrigued.
Our afternoon stroll took us down through the massive columns that lined the lobby and then we settled ourselves out on the mezzanine. Here we sat in the deep brown wooden rocking chairs looking beyond the white railed posts on this outdoor patio retreat. Just before we left my hotel room, I grabbed my voice recorder and Rand went through our connecting door and retrieved his journal, shoes, and thankfully a shirt. As we rocked, I softly spoke into my recorder and Rand was drawing and writing on several pages, I was certain creating new music.
The band had tonight off and Rand had chosen to remain with me here at the hotel. We saw Maxwell and the band as they were heading out into the city of Austin to eat. We waved from the mezzanine to them below. Rand leaned over me in the rocking chair and took my hand leading me back to my room where the dinner he preordered for us was set up. He ordered so much food, knowing the hotel’s restaurant was very highly rated. We started with a roasted beet salad, moved on to a wonderful plate of butternut squash risotto, and then a huge Texas style aged rib eye. We both practically dove into the apple tart and whip cream topping without using our forks. We broke pieces of it away and fed one another, taking tiny bites of each other’s lips, licking fingers savoring the taste of the delicately flaked pie crust and the sweetness of the topping. I had a tiny piece of apple near my lip that Rand was to gracious to leave there for a moment and then he came in and removed it very seductively. I believe every meal should start with dessert.
This evening was wonderful, with our appetites satisfied and precious moments like this that we shared. It was so nice to have this calm with Rand in his busy lifestyle. I liked this side of him. During times like these, no one else existed. But the return of the band reminded me that they did. My hotel door was knocked on loudly and soon all the guys were marching in. They said they were stealing him from me for awhile and as much as I wanted to protest that he wasn’t mine to steal, I didn’t. Before he left my room, he looked back and he stole a deep, sucking, swirling kiss from my lips.
My hotel phone rang the next morning which was odd as I wasn’t sure who would use that phone to call me. “Good morning Maddy, I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight, I miss you,” Thomas said with such confidence it was clear he felt like he’d be getting exactly what he wanted out of this meeting.
“Oh, Thomas, hey, you can meet me here at the Driskill Hotel Bar about seven, and then we’ll go to the show.” I replied. I didn’t linger on the phone with him and I really wasn’t looking forward to this as I just had such a lovely day yesterday with Rand and finally felt Rand and I were making baby steps with one another.
I headed for the shower hoping that the warm spray would help to wash away the feeling of uncertainty that I had about tonight. I knew I was seeing Thomas after all these months and wasn’t sure how that was going to go, I had my hopes of getting some closure. The timing for Thomas and I to meet again was very close to what would have been our eleventh wedding anniversary. Some of our wedding vows were replaying themselves in my mind… I Madison take you Thomas to love, cherish and grow with in all our days ahead. I promise to be by your side for as long as you will have me. That seemed funny to me now as I was by his side actually only until he decided to leave me. As I lathered myself beneath the showerhead and thought of Rand’s touches and felt deep within my belly, warmth envelope me. I closed my eyes and let the water beat lightly at my face preparing myself for this day.
After I showered and dressed, I went to the connecting door and tapped lightly hoping Rand was awake. My knocking was not answered, so I reached down and wrapped my hand around the doorknob and paused, then slowly twisted the handle and opened up the door. From where I stood on the threshold I could see just his messy bed sheets in his room, some of his journal notes on the nightstand but he wasn’t there. I lingered there
for a moment. It was as if I could actually feel him, and as I traced a finger over my lips, I could still taste him. I knew I could definitely smell his scent and I closed my eyes and drew in his aroma. My phone sounded a moment later and it was from Rand.
Good morning. Sorry the guys pulled me away from you last night. I was looking forward to the next part of dessert. I’ve already left this morning. We all got in late, I’m beat. I have a meeting today with Maxwell and some people in the music industry from Austin. You know these meetings can go long. I’ll search you out in the audience tonight. I’ll lock onto your beautiful dark eyes, and imagine that I’m tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear and singing. I’ll be singing to you like you are the only one in front of me. Later I will pull you toward me and kiss your ear and then travel to your welcoming lips.
I was star struck, I was in awe and I missed him, I knew I did. I wanted to let him know.
Hey, I was just standing in the doorway between our rooms breathing you in. Although you aren’t here I feel like you are, I’ll miss you today, but I’ll be looking forward to seeing you tonight.
I leaned on the doorframe with my phone to my chest and tapped my head lightly on the wooden surround. I was beginning to feel something with Rand, something so alive and warm, so new, so fresh and yet so unknown, but what I knew somehow was I wanted more.
I had seated myself at the bar several different times just before seven o’clock. Once I sat down and then hurried to the bathroom being nervous. Another time I sat and crossed my legs and looked as if I was waiting for one of the surrounding Texans to kindly buy me a drink and then finally I sat myself at a small table off to the one side of the bar, in a bit more secluded area where the fabric of the chairs made me laugh as they were a cow print. My laughing made me relax as Thomas arrived and placed his hand to my shoulder. “Madison, you look lovely. Please don’t get up, let’s sit here for a bit.” I was surprised, I had been so distraught and angry with him for so long, and now seeing him was like meeting him all over. He was very pleasant to the eyes, his sandy colored, short hair and light grey-blue eyes, pulled me in. I actually got up and slightly placed my arms around him and tapped him slightly.
“Thomas I’m glad you made it, I know you’re really going to enjoy the show.”
“Oh, I am already enjoying just being here with you.”
I wanted to keep our conversation as friends. “Thomas, I am really having a great journey with all of them. I know you’ve heard many of their songs.”
We were able to keep our conversation light and friendly. We spoke for the next hour about the business convention he was attending and how my writings were coming along. We didn’t get into anything deep about what happened to us, and that was fine for me at the moment. He did speak to me about my father and said that my father missed me. Thomas told me that he believed my father was pulling for us to make it back together, but I let that topic brush over and asked him how long he was going to be in Austin. The time flew by and I looked at my watch and knew we had to get to the show. Thomas said he could drive as he had a rental car. We left the bar, I felt him reach down to take hold of my hand, but when I pulled it back up toward me, he rested his hand at the small of my back following me out of the hotel to his car. I felt his hand near my back and a few times he raised it and gently stroked at my lower back, but emotionally, I felt nothing. I felt his hand but no longing or wanting sensation.
When we arrived at the concert I thought of possibly taking him back stage and briefly introducing him as my friend to the band and even Rand, but we got tied up in the traffic to get to the venue as only one lane of traffic was open. Since it took us so long, I only briefly caught up with Kent in the side corridor for a moment as he was rushing backstage and told him I was with my friend Thomas and we were going to quickly find our seats. The band opened up with the usual from Rand, “Good Evening City of Austin, we are Rolling Isaac’s.” His eyes did a once over of the crowd below and he quickly scouted me out. I had on my cowboy hat so I tipped it to him when our eyes met. As the band started playing, a few times Thomas leaned over and said that it must be really fun traveling with them. He seemed genuinely happy for my new occupational venture. The band played so well and was received by Austin greatly. I knew most of the songs by now, I always had a copy of the night’s playlist and sang along and even Thomas knew a few verses.
At one point as I stared at Rand I saw him smile, and I was overwhelmed with happiness. As I turned to Thomas, he leaned in and took the opportunity to kiss me on the lips. Thomas smiled gently at me and then reached to the back of my neck and pulled me in once more. I kissed back, thinking of Rand. I quickly realized what was really happening and pulled away abruptly. My first thought was to just run away from Thomas but I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the show. So I sat there and gave Thomas a kind smile and then focused back on the show.
After that song was done the band took a moment to wipe their sweat, quickly chug some water and glance at their playlist for the next tune. I saw Kent go over to Rand in a brief conversation he was telling Rand something and they both glanced in my direction. Rand turned when he was done talking to Kent and he stared at me with fire in his eyes; he knew who I was seated with. I saw the sudden change in his sweetness to a conflicted look. He then went to the other band members and suddenly changed the next song on their playlist. I knew this because when they took a moment to play a few cords I could tell it was a different song.
The stage darkened completely. I wondered what was going on as they rarely do this in their shows. When the lights came on, there was only a single light shown in the corner of the stage on the side where I was seated. Rand was kneeling with a tight grip on his microphone. Rand closed his eyes and said loudly, “Ladies and gentlemen this is a brand new song titled My Empty Heart.”
The song began –
I’ve been watching you for oh, so long,
For me I know you are my only one.
Though, I am scared to give you my empty heart,
I hold tightly onto you so deep within.
You are my light, in my life, that I can truly see,
I have to pinch myself to know this is reality.
You are so unaware of what I feel in my aching heart,
I watch your every move from the stage above,
I have remained so captivated by you from the start.
Oh god, I thank you and you I cherish,
I feel again, something between us that is ahead.
I give to you all my thoughts unconditionally,
I want to show you someday, as my tears shed.
You are my light, in my life, that I can truly see,
I have to pinch myself to know this is reality.
You are so unaware of what I feel in my aching heart,
I watch your every move from the stage above,
I have remained so captivated by you from the start.
In all our days please remain my center stage.
May you take me completely for what I am?
May we look back and surely both know,
This feeling has made me your favorite fan.
You are my light, in my life, that I can truly see,
I have to pinch myself to know this is reality.
You are so unaware of what I feel in my aching heart,
I watch your every move from the stage above,
I remained so captivated by holding you in my heart.
The music stopped and Rand stood up and he opened his teary eyes and silently he mouthed, “I don’t want to lose you, my front row,” and then he placed both his hands cupped to his chest over his heart, he glanced just past my eyes and it looked like he lost his soul. The audience roared and gave him a standing ovation. I sank with every word that he sang. I had never heard that song, and knew each of his written words was directed to me, written about me and that I was actually somehow in his empty heart as he sang it. It pained me inside to see him like this, I wanted him t
o open his eyes and look out to me. I knew he must have seen Thomas kiss me and I wanted to tell Rand it meant nothing. That it was him I was thinking of, seeing in my head so clearly in that moment when I kissed Thomas back.
Thomas glanced over to me, “That was a great tune, he’s really singing to someone he cares about. I think I know exactly how he feels.” I nodded at Thomas agreeing about the song, thinking to myself that Thomas had no idea what was happening.
At the close of the show, I looked to Rand and he still had not met my eyes. I decided to leave with Thomas to take me back to the hotel. As we were leaving the stage area I glanced back to see the band all excited about their performance and shaking hands of the fans that had lined up for autographs. I saw Rand pull a young girl toward him, the only thing separating them was the makeshift fencing for the fans and he pulled her in for a kiss. He kissed her and then turned in my direction. I realized she looked similar to me. He did at this moment lock his eyes completely onto mine. We were separated by many aisles of people, but our eyes spoke. It had pained him terribly, seeing me with Thomas, and I could see from his clouded deep blue eyes that he was clearly hurt.
On the ride back to the hotel, Thomas was speaking on and on about the show. I rested my head on the window and looked out through the glass as a tear left my right eye. When we arrived back we said we would have a drink together in the bar. We were right back where we started our evening. I had hoped sitting at the bar that I would see the band return from their concert. I seated myself on the barstool so that I could see just beyond into the hotel lobby. I also so hoped that I would see Rand return soon.
As Thomas and I sat at the bar, there was an older bartender with his nametag displaying his name as Will who asked for our drink order. The hotel had a very nice staff; some were very seasoned and knew all the history of this place. Will told us a few cute bar jokes and Thomas took the liberty of ordering us each a double Bailey’s on the rocks and then he began his plea. He spoke about how we met, how we had traveled together, how I decorated our city condo, so many memories were going through my head. We downed one round of drinks and then asked Will for another. Thomas again spoke, “This was nice tonight, us enjoying each other’s company. I know you had a great time. I felt you kiss me back. It was warm and inviting. Madison, I know now that we’re to be together. Can you give me the chance once again? Even though I know I don’t deserve it. But I am or was, I want to be a good husband to you.”
I stared blankly back through him. Here he sat wanting me back and I was remembering part of his wedding vows to me: I Thomas, take you Madison, to be my wife, become my life and to follow where ever our dreams may take us…I felt saddened and I reached up to take hold of his handsome face and I spoke softly, “Thomas in the ten years we were married, I thought of no one else but you. I’d completely given myself to you. You are a warm and kind person, and you and I shared a great marriage. I’d still like us to be close.”
“Madison I want to be close to you right now.”
“No listen, I was actually so scared to see you tonight, but now I am relieved. This has brought me closure. Thomas, when you left something died in me and I cannot bring that back. I may never feel again like I did for you but I know that I am finally in a different place in my life and within myself. After ten years of marriage, I wanted to believe that we wouldn’t avoid or hate one another.”
“Madison I could never avoid you, I want you, and I still love you.”
“Oh, Thomas I am sorry but that’s not what I want anymore.” I pulled him into me and kissed him close to his lips, on his cheek as this was my goodbye to him. I knew we would be alright if we were in a room of other people. That he and I would continue to be nice to one another and check to see how the other was doing now and again. But we would never be back to a couple where we were long ago.
Thomas reached into me and held me closely. He took his hand and pulled my head in toward his chest and held me. I heard loud voices entering the bar and turned back to see the band had arrived. Maxwell had turned in for the evening as we all were scheduled for a late check out and then it was off to San Antonio. The guys all gave me a happy wave from the table that they settled into for their drinks. Kent gave me an uncomfortable glance perhaps he had seen my kiss and embrace with Thomas moments before. I felt self-conscious and looked away from him. I did turn my eyes to their table a few times and Rand was never with them.
I slept that evening with peace that Thomas and I could move forward. I was now confident enough to not cave into him, not return to him just to be with someone. I had made my decision to be on my own. Knowing this morning we were again packing to leave for the next show, it was nice that Maxwell set us up for a later check out time. I ordered room service, a large pot of coffee and orange juice and an English muffin with strawberry preserves and sliced cantaloupe. I was sure that would carry me until we all stopped on the road for lunch. I reached into my purse to find my phone to text Rand and I typed – Can we talk? I wasn’t sure if he was still sleeping so I hit send and waited.
I pulled out my laptop and was finishing some of my recent notes on the band. My room service came quickly and as I was finishing my coffee which was so welcomed this morning after a few too many drinks last night. I heard a hard knock on my hotel door. I opened the door and was stunned to see Thomas. He looked beaten, like he was sad, like he had not slept. He took my hand and said “Madison, your father had a stroke and is critical, we need to go.” With that he told me he got the call just an hour ago, and he would get me back to see him in Philly.
I packed all my things in the room; I shut my phone and laptop off and threw them into a carrier. I was speechless throughout the packing process only stopping to hold Thomas in my arms and weep in between. As we left to the lobby and checked out, I glanced over to the newsstand area to see Kent picking up a morning paper and saying good morning to me. As he started to walk toward me, he could clearly see I was crying, Thomas had turned in my room key and checked me out and reached back to take my hand. Kent stood at the lobby entrance and just watched as I left with Thomas’s hand in mine and my head on his shoulder. I didn’t look back as we exited the hotel and rode off toward the airport in Thomas’s rented car.