Chapter Seven – A Love Lost
Everything was happening so fast. Before I knew it we were on a plane already bound for Philly. Once we landed we were heading right to the one of city’s top hospitals. My father, was a recently retired police officer from the city and he had been born there, stayed there, met my mother there, and never left. I was hopeful that with all the hospitals in the city and surrounding it that he got there quickly when this happened. The entire flight Thomas asked if I needed anything, was I hungry, was I thirsty? He never let my hand go the entire flight. I was thinking about my father and hoping he would hold on as I needed to see him and make this right between us. I remember how we stopped talking for so long. I was lost in my memories and then realized that as Thomas held my hand softly that his was not the touch I needed, it was Rand’s romantic caressing of my hand I so longed for. I dozed off against the seat arm and the window shade. Thomas had placed my sweater into a ball under my neck creating a soft pillow for me. I wept and slept and my thoughts carried me to Rand.
I was on his bed, he was standing above me and he was shirtless. He climbed up over me and started to kiss his way up my body beginning at my thighs. He hovered over my body and paused in between his kisses to look down to me with a look of peace, his was a calming presence. He came up over my body slowly and in closer to my lips and I could feel him without touching him and he smiled at me and assured me we would be alright; that everything would work itself out, that he was there for me. I replied, “Oh Rand, I feel you near me, please hold me.” I stirred and shifted in my seat knowing I must have been speaking out loud. Thomas leaned toward me and I knew that he clearly heard my groans over and over again. Thomas probably knew in his heart what I was feeling and for whom, and he knew that there was no chance for him and I, as my sleep talking surely confirmed this but Thomas also was not one to concede.
When we landed in Philly, Thomas said he was glad I slept for a bit and he got us swift transportation to the hospital. Just as we were getting through the doors of the hospital to the critical care area, Thomas stepped back and allowed me, as my father’s only family member, to go ahead first to see him. I had only hoped as I went in that I had arrived in time. As I tuned out all the sounds coming from the beeping machines attached to my father, my thoughts drifted to Austin, Texas and sounds of the band’s songs played in my head. I knew the band would be traveling on in the van, laughing and looking forward to their next stop. I wanted to be there, with Rand, having him hold onto me tightly, kissing me and enjoying all their company as they headed toward San Antonio which was only about an eighty mile trip for their next concert the following night. I didn’t fare too well in hospital settings, I was trying to have my mind sweep me away to some other place, I so wished my father was healthy and this wasn’t happening.
I slowly stepped into the Intensive Care Unit and froze. Before me was my father, one who was an officer of the law that many looked up to, once my idol of strength and a large man who towered above me. Now he was here in this bed weak, curled up and partially paralyzed. It had been several months that he and I had not spoken and this moment was the same. In silence I stood just taking in the sight in front of me and holding back my tears. I pulled a stool next to him and gently touched the back of his hand, lightly stroking. I heard a gasp from my father as he slowly opened his eyes. I dropped his hand and leaned in and said, “Dad it’s me, Maddy. I’m here.” I continued to speak to him. “You didn’t have to do this just to have me come to visit.” He cleared his throat a bit and still held my eyes.
“Maaddyy” he spoke slowly and his eyes glistened. I didn’t want him to get upset and told him we could talk later. He was a persistent man and seemed like there was something he wanted to let me know. He began, “I neevver meant to huurrt you Madison.” He continued that he hoped that Thomas and I would stay together, as he had wanted with my mother, Grace. My father said he never wanted to face a day alone. That being on the police force was a risk every day and when the day was done he wanted to know he had his loved ones to return to. My father said that he knew inside that Grace was in love with his brother Jake. When my mother left him, he asked her never to return as it would only hurt him.
As my father continued slowly talking about the day my mother left, it took me back long ago to when I asked “Mom are you and dad in love?” My mother looked at me and said, “Yes, Madison, but it’s a different love I feel for your dad, it’s a safe love, not a passionate love. Sometimes you can truly love one person, and then be conflicted to be so in love with another.” My thoughts were interrupted by my father’s gasp. My father now had my complete attention and he said, “Madison I wanntt you to know that yoouu must follow your heart, and if it is not with Thomas, then find where your heart longs to go. Thomas is a good man, a kind man, I am thankful for the relationship I haavve with him, and he knows that.” I followed my father’s eyes to Thomas’s as he had walked in and been standing right behind me. I looked up to Thomas with a compassionate smile and my father took that in.
We both remained there for quite awhile, and my father as tired as he was, he continued to speak to us both. He told me that he so often sent Grace updates about me, my writing, my column, my wedding but she only replied once. She said that she left to follow her heart, but she knew that hurt my father and me. She said that she and Jake could never face us again after that. I wondered all these years what he had told her as he never let me know until now.
The ICU night nurse came in and told us we really should let him rest. I leaned into my father’s forehead, I kissed it and left my lips pressed to his head for a long moment. I rose and pulled Thomas in for a hug. I promised my father I would be back and for him to get some sleep and have pleasant dreams. I pulled from Thomas to whisper into my father’s ear just as he was closing his tired eyes, “Dad I love you so much, you’re the best.” I turned and pools of tears overflowed the edges of my eyes.
I was going to spend the night at the hospital in the waiting area until Thomas suggested that I crash at his condo, actually our condo before we divorced that was only a few streets from the city hospital. After a lot of coaxing I agreed. I had all my luggage and items I needed with me anyway from traveling. As I left the ICU and headed with Thomas to his condo, I powered up my phone and saw that Rand had tried to call me but my phone went directly to my voicemail and he did not leave a message. I knew it was well into the San Antonio concert hour, so I did not want to call and leave a voice message. I knew that they had scheduled the next three days for down time, first to complete the five hour ride to Galveston and then another day of doing some media related gig. And I remember one conversation on the plane to Austin that Rand and Maxwell were having and Rand said he needed a half day in Galveston, but I wasn’t sure for what. Right now though being so far from the band I knew where my place was and that was with my father. I knew also after the wrenching pain that I watched Rand endure over Ashley’s anniversary that I couldn’t put him through this with me. Feeling the need to talk to someone else other that Thomas, I dialed my phone.
“Jillian, hey how are you? I’m so sorry to bother you this late, but I need to talk to you. My father had a severe stroke,” I couldn’t finish speaking to her, I broke apart. Thomas took the phone I dropped to my lap and told her that I returned with him from Austin and that I was staying at his condo. He told her what hospital my father was in. I heard him clearly as my eyes were clouding, “Jillian, it doesn’t look good, please come, early tomorrow would be best.” I waved at Thomas to keep the phone, as I couldn’t talk at this moment. I would see her tomorrow. I knew in my heart that my father was not doing well. I felt it, and I also knew that was why he had to tell me as much as he could from his hospital bed. There was probably so much more he wanted to share with me, but he was drained in just the little time we were there. I knew tomorrow a lot of his police brothers would be by trying to see how he was doing too and that would hopefully raise his spirits.
When we
arrived at the condo, my heart sank for another time this evening. First, seeing my father so helpless and then seeing my former home again, where I’d lost my heart not so long ago. As I walked through the door I took in the familiar surroundings. Thomas kept it neat and nearly the same as when I was here. I headed toward the bathroom down the hall to change and told Thomas I would sleep in the spare bedroom. He came down the hall only to pull me into him in gentle, comforting embrace. I felt his warmth and I hugged him back. He then carried my travel bag to the bathroom and as I entered it he leaned on the outer hallway wall, “Hey, you know I’m here for you, sleep well.”
Early in the morning I dreamed of Rand. Rand and I holding one another, as the pad of his thumb slowly rubbed along my face and neck, inching toward my chest… that soon turned to me crying that my father didn’t make it. I must have cried out loud because I soon felt warm arms envelop me. I burrowed tightly onto the arms and kissed the hands that were so near to my chest. I took the pad of his thumb to my lips and then pulled it to my chest. My cries became whimpers and then faded into a smooth sleeping rhythm.
When I awoke I was still wrapped up tightly in Thomas’s arms. I slowly slid out of his hold. I jumped when my feet touched the cold, hardwood floor. Thomas spoke, “Are you alright? I came in earlier when I heard you crying in your sleep. I couldn’t resist holding you until you stopped.” I stood and leaned over to thank him with a kiss to his cheek and he turned to catch my lips to his, but I backed away.
I walked down the hallway and found my phone and checked it for messages. I had a few. First Jillian wasn’t happy that I was here at the condo. She didn’t know if I was here because we were trying to repair our relationship or if it was of my father being ill. She was coming over with breakfast shortly to get me to the hospital. The second message was also from Jillian. She said that Raeford called her early this morning asking why I left them without a word, and with my ex-husband. Kent told the band when he saw me leave I looked torn. And then there was a text from Rand, my heart jumped but all it read was –
Why?
I remembered the text I sent to him yesterday asking if we could talk. It seemed like days ago. I wondered if that was the “Why?” or if he was asking why I left. I couldn’t do this with him right now…
The doorbell chimed, I knew it was Jillian, my savoir. “Oh Jillian,” I hugged her and cried. “Madison, it will be alright, let’s go see your father together, he knows I am his other daughter.” We laughed; she really was like a sister to me.
“Madison, I hate to get you upset any more, but Raeford called me this morning. Maxwell was upset because Rand was off in his performance in San Antonio. He said Rand seemed angry. Raeford said they were heading to Galveston for a few days and then they would be back here. He asked me why you left, I told him your father wasn’t doing well. I’m sure he’ll tell Rand. Raeford said you and your dad are in his prayers. I told him I would keep them posted.”
Thomas entered the kitchen, and walked over and gave Jillian a big hug. I know they had their differences when it came to me but they appeared to table it to keep me calm and help me through this time with my father. I was thankful they were getting along and that she brought breakfast, as I was actually able to get a few bites of food down. I needed some strength to carry me through this.
The ICU floor was mostly quiet as only family members were allowed to visit. Stepping off the elevator it looked like they were giving away something free there today in the waiting area. It was filled with so many familiar faces – my father’s precinct friends and former partners. I welcomed them all and told them that I could only sneak one or two of them in claiming they were my uncles. A few of them did get the chance to see him throughout the day; he really didn’t wake like last night, only tossed in his bed a bit. I sat with him and I talked to him and Thomas joined me and held my hand while I held my father’s frail hand. Jillian also came in with me for a while and spoke to my father about crazy things she and I have done. With all the visitors that came to see him, no one left, the waiting room was crowded and some of the guys spoke of my father and his police days, remembering several close calls. We did break during the afternoon, Jillian, Thomas and I went to the cafeteria to have something to eat.
As nightfall came upon us, I wasn’t hungry and wanted to stay close as my father’s doctors revealed he was slipping. Thomas and Jillian and others went to get some dinner. I remained seated on the tiny stool that rolled about in his room, only rolling it closer to my father’s bedside. I lifted his hand and stroked the back lightly. I thought maybe he would feel this and awake. Then I leaned over and kissed his hand. The monitors started to sound, I didn’t know what to do, I buzzed the nurse, but she was already entering, she asked me to move back. It only took her seconds, mere seconds, to turn back to me and tell me that he passed. I was lifeless, I couldn’t move, I felt panicked and I dropped my head to my hands and sobbed. I walked over to my father’s bedside and bawled like a tiny child. I then passed the nurse and the doctor that had come in and thanked them for their help the past few days. As I walked out of his room and down toward the waiting room feeling numb and alone, I glanced at the wall clock it had been nine o’clock and time for one my father’s favorite detective dramas on the television. I pushed past the doors to the waiting area, and as I did, Thomas saw my eyes and jumped toward me.
“Oh, Thomas, hold me please, I need you,” I cried.
Thomas kept me in his arms, as he moved me over to sit me down, I saw his eyes widen shooting a look at something or someone. I glanced around the room and saw Jillian along with all of the wonderful people that my father meant something to and then I focused on the person exiting the room. Through my teary eyes, I saw the back of someone, their dark hair, just bordering at the shoulder line. Rand had been there, or I wanted him there so badly that I just though he was.
Days after someone passes are the hardest. You have to begin to make plans to sum up what their life was in one evening of a viewing and then another day of the memorial. If it weren’t for Thomas and Jillian I don’t know what I would have done. They helped me with all the arrangements. The viewing was done beautifully. So many flowers were delivered and as I walked that evening into the funeral parlor with Jillian before anyone was to arrive I knew it would be a long lingering evening of friends. I was saddened that my mother would not be here, and I knew so many years had passed but there was a longing to see her again. And, even my father’s brother Jake, my uncle Jake, I had loved him when I was growing up, he was the fun uncle, the irresponsible one I was told, and yet he was now the keeper of my mother’s heart.
I walked up toward my father’s coffin as he was laid out so dignified. There were so many flower arrangements; I began to read the cards, many from fellow officers and their wives, one from Thomas that was lovely. Jillian and I chose my favorite crème roses for my father and that was stunning in presentation just above the casket, then off to the side, I saw an arrangement of deep red roses and I read the card that said: John, we will both carry you in our hearts forever, Grace & Jake. I held my breath. I shivered, someone told them and I knew they wouldn’t show here but they knew and acknowledged him. I was happy for that. It was then that Jillian took hold of me and led me away as I was starting to tear and another arrangement caught my eye. Over the top in size, I’d never seen so many crème roses with dark pink edges, you would need a large wagon to haul it out of here. I approached the bountiful floral arrangement and inhaled the incredible aroma and read the card –Mr. Thomas McCormick (Mick), I would have been honored to have met the man who created the lovely Madison, watch over her from above now, and I promise I will from here below. Max Rand
Jillian held me and kept me from falling, Rand never ceased to amaze me. He wasn’t even here and I felt him and hoped my father could too. She then told me, “Madison, Rand was at the hospital the day your father passed. I knew he flew in and was in the waiting room during the day. I spoke to him and he was very concerned
about your father’s condition and also wondered why you returned to your ex-husband.”
“What, I didn’t go back to Thomas, why would he think that?”
“Well all I know is Rand was there when you came out from your father’s room after he passed away and fell into Thomas’s arms.”
“Raeford told me that he and Rand had to return to Galveston for their show tonight. I really didn’t know what was going on with you, you and him, or you and Thomas. You haven’t really filled me in.” I looked at Jillian and said, “Nothing is going on with Thomas and me, I can’t believe Rand was actually here.” I broke into pieces.
As this evening unfolded, I somehow pulled it together though and was commended for being such a picture of strength. I did my father proud and stood acknowledging all the people that poured in to memorialize him. It was hours and hours and a long line, but I smiled and genuinely hugged them all. I was exhausted. Jillian took me to my home, I told her I would be fine and as she dropped me off and I entered my house, it was quiet and I was alone. I felt so awfully alone. I found comfort in my notebook that was sitting on the edge of the table and pulled it to my chest. I began to write with tear filled eyes, a love note as I curled myself into the living room corner chair.
Rand:
I smelled the aroma of the flowers you sent to my father’s viewing. I read the card over and over in my head of the words you beautifully wrote. My father surely is smiling down at you knowing what a kind person you are. I too had wished you could have met him but there are many stories I can share about him that will bring him to life for you. Although he loved Thomas for me, by his bedside as he was failing he did tell me to follow my heart and if it wasn’t to be back with Thomas then that was fine. I think my father had a forewarning of what lied ahead for me. I fell apart after the loss of my father and I wanted to reach for you but I could never have put you through that again after the suffering I saw in your eyes from Ashley’s passing. I held in my heart that you were near and were thinking of me. I felt protected by a memory of the look of warmth in your blue eyes.
Thomas did help me in this time but truly as a friend, he wanted more, but I was beginning to carry an Olympic sized torch for you in my world. For now just know John (Mick) McCormick would have greeted you with a questioning eye and a firm handshake. He would have asked your intentions with his only daughter. Your longer hair and tattoos may have had him prejudge you but once he touched your hand through that grip he would have felt you like I did and know the true you. I thank you for reaching out to my father. I wipe the tears from my face now as this is a powerful moment for me.
Maddy xo
When I completed my thoughts, I searched the missed calls on my phone. I had dozens of messages. I scrolled through and then came to one I reread. Madison – our hearts are with you at this time, we’ll think of you as we play tonight, take care of yourself – Maxwell and Rolling Isaac’s.
That was nice for them to take a moment to reach out to me before their show. I knew though I couldn’t burden anyone now with my loss and sorrow, especially not Rand. That since I was at such a low point in my life before and that months of time had begun to heal me and that now again I was faced with feeling empty and depleted inside and this would take a long time for me to heal.