"Please, for the love of Kote, for our families, please go. I am alive, but I will only ever stay that way if I remain here. I am one of the Saans, I am SaanKote and it is my destiny to fill that role. Do you understand?"
His voice hardened and his gaze drifted to the sign of the embracing X in my upper window. My heart ached, my face streamed with tears. Did he want to stay? Did he want to be a Saan? If he wanted to go, we could find a way.
“It’s impossible for me to leave now…I am one of the Great Ones. I am needed in this Kingdom. If I left the penalty might be death. Besides, where would I go? The other Great Ones know where I’m from. If they couldn’t find me…” His eyes searched the room; he seemed almost frantic. “We Saans are not as peaceful as we say Aneh, we are powerful and we are persuasive…we understand that the more people know the more unhappy they are...that the people need to be told untruths sometimes so that they will keep going with life, keep working and suffering in hope of a better life after this. I feel horrible saying the things that I do, but I have no choice, Aneh. I am bound to this place, I am SaanKote now. I am SaanKote."
I cupped his face with my hands and brought his eyes back to mine. He was so sad. If he was speaking the truth, I was lost. But I would stay, I would stay and find a way that we could go home again. In that moment I missed Koyote fiercely, the heat, the red rock canyons, my chickens, fresh lavender and sage. My brother, my family. My heart yearned for it, but I needed Olei there too. I couldn't be happy in Koyote without my love. I couldn’t ever live with myself knowing I had left him here in this miserable place.
"If you stay, I will make sure you are safe. But Aneh, do not be foolish! If you are here I want you alive and protected. If you come too close to me they could see the truth. Be wise Aneh, so I can rest knowing you are safe."
With that he got up and picked at one of the pairing ties on my wrist. "You should cut these off," he added just before he left. He kissed me hard on the forehead, "Goodbye, Aneh." Frozen, alone, confused, I willed for the poison of Tinea pool. I willed for endless sleep. I willed for home. Then I willed for strength. Somehow, I still had some hope.
Chapter 35
Yossinda
Yeidi improved for a few weeks and I stopped going to the Citadel. The royal baby was growing— or at least Eileen was—and I spent most of my time catering to her and her ladies-in-waiting.
Meanwhile, my brother's condition was tenuous. A healer told us the water in his lungs might always be there, and unless we could find more monies for better medicine there was little we could do. Father had managed to get some extra by selling some wares he had gotten from a foreigner, a coyotie from out in the rural villages. Their knives he said, were crafted so well one could be used for a lifetime and never have to sharpen it. Whatever he sold wasn't quite enough and I went to Katrine in the Saans infirmary before dawn to see what I could get.
The moon peeked through a few clouds to light my path though I had it nearly memorized. I passed through a series of sleepy guards, the last of which protected a courtyard at the sick ward. I pressed on the heavy oak door, rounded a corner and went down the stairs without taking my eyes from my rapidly moving feet. Suddenly a man appeared before me. He was nearly twice my size, my eyes stared directly into his chest before I gasped and stepped back. He grabbed my arms to steady me.
"SaanKote." I caught my breath and kneeled, crossing my arms in a gesture of praise. He laughed. He was alone.
"My lady, thank you. I'm sorry to have nearly run you over. Pardon me for touching you,” he closed his eyes to quickly pray, “Aethan forgive me for helping this lovely woman not fall.” He opened his eyes, green against the olive of his skin, framed by dark eyelashes.
“Can I help you get to where you are going?” He asked.
I stood there, nearly speechless. "No… I mean, no thank you, Oh Holy One."
I had finished talking but we stood, staring. I knew better than to look him in the eyes but I couldn’t help it. They were huge and knowing and seemed to look into my mind and read my soul. Finally I blinked and woke myself out of my trance. I hurried to cross my arms again and bow my head.
"Pardon me, SaanKote. I must be going," I finished speaking as I rushed away, suddenly flushed and embarrassed.
Katrine was awake and obliging. She told me what medicines to look for and sent me on my way. I fumbled through all of her poultices. I forgot to wash my hands after touching them, only thinking about my run-in with the new Saan, daring once or twice to think him handsome.
“Did you find what you need, Dear?” Katrine asked me as I put her vials back into place.
“Yes Ma’m. Thank you. Thank you so much.” I said.
Katrine looked at me over her work table. “I’ve been thinking, an opportunity has come up. The Saans are seeking a new healer apprentice and I would like to recommend you. I’d love to teach you myself, but I find I am much too busy. Do you think this is something you would like Yossinda?”
I stuttered my gratitude, crossing myself and bowing.
This was a truly miraculous day.
Chapter 36
Aneh
The kindly woman was back the next morning, this time with a tasty gruel of oats and cream. Even though I had no appetite, the deep rumblings in my stomach told me I needed to eat. I ate and for the first time in a while, and spoke.
The previous evening she had told me her name – Alessa– but she still never made eye contact with me. She spent a bit of time chatting excitedly about the Saans, as everyone seemed to do.
I asked her about her family, but she changed the subject abruptly. She was grateful to work in the Red Keep and the Citadel and this sick ward. She'd started working in the Citadel kitchens as a child slave and hoped in several more years to buy her freedom. I am grateful to work so closely to the Great Ones, she had said, as a woman. But also, she supposed, the Unmarked Ones were rewarding her deep faith with proximity to the Saans. "Good things come to those in servitude," she said, then rattled off a long passage from the books of the first Sons of the Saans.
Chapter 37
Yossinda
When he took me I closed my eyes tightly and I bit my tongue to keep from crying out loud. And when it was over, he left me and collapsed on the other side of the bed, pulling the blankets greedily onto himself. I remained shivering and shocked. I had to go. I was afraid to leave but feared for myself. He was sober and more ruthless than before. I felt blood wet between my thighs. Crying softly, I only picked up my shift as I left. The rest of my clothes were ripped and stained. I could feel my eye swelling and the room was quickly becoming blurry.
Somehow I made it down the stairs. The guards snickered as I passed them. I knew they had heard my screams and the unmistakable sounds of violence. In the servants quarters I searched for more clothes to cover myself and rags to clean my face. My forehead hurt to touch but I cleaned it with cold water anyway.
I had never felt so alone and wicked. I hoped that the Elements and the Unmarked ones would forgive me for what I had done. I went to the servants’ House of the Saans, deserted at this time of night, hoping the Saans that kept it might let me sleep there and watch over me until the morning came.
My mind raced. If anyone approached me I’d tell them I’d spilled or broken something and deserved punishment. I wanted to convince myself that was the truth, it would have made a preferable memory to the one I was trying to erase.
I had avoided him for some weeks, but last night the King had grabbed me and pushed me into his room again. It was clear I had nothing to keep Manuel from having his way however it pleased him. In fact, it was my duty to please him, even if it meant my death.
Alone in the servants’ House I was trying desperately to control my breathing and had succeeded in only making wet gasping noises when I inhaled. Katrine found me in my misery. She said little. Her eyes did most of the talking. Somehow she knew what had been going on. "We'll get you out of there, Yossinda," she said, “
I need you more than they do."
Chapter 38
Aneh
As I began to talk again, I asked my own questions about the Saans and the city. On the subject of the royal family, the Domi, Alessa said they were lovely and treated their subjects well. She spoke it like she was reading from a book. Silence passed. Alessa then asked if I was ready to go back to work, and assured me I wouldn’t be returning to the mines. When I said yes, she nodded, handing me some clothes and excused herself.
I didn't bother asking more questions though I very much wanted to. I dressed in a long tunic that wrapped too close, like a robe, in a faded straw color. The well-worn boots were loose in places and tight in others. I felt them digging into my heels and I missed my sandals and the way the dust would make patterns on feet. Awkardly I waited for Alessa’s return.
She never returned for me. Instead, there was a harsh wrapping on the door immediately followed by the entrance of a stern older woman. She was so thin her cheekbones stuck out like knife blades under her skin. When she cast her piercing gray eyes at me I bowed my head, afraid of her intensity.
“You are well, Thank Kote.”
I nodded but kept my head down. I could feel her stare. She was waiting for me.
“You should praise the Saans for the healing they have provided you. Especially SaanKote,” she finally said.
Hoping it was the right thing to do, I crossed myself and bowed, muttering, “Praise Kote for the gift of healing.”
“That’ll do,” she said. “Now follow me.”
We passed through lighted stone hallways full of people, turned corners, went outdoors, indoors, outdoors again until finally we stopped outside of an arched entryway leading into a busy hallway. Plainly dressed people of all sizes entered and exited the doorways lining the hall carrying buckets or trays or bags of linens. Opposite the arch two guard towers were visible, their entryways flanked by thick, stoic looking guards.
The woman led me into the first door on the left. Smells of a mid-day meal told me it was the common kitchen space. The sturdy tables and chairs were made of unfinished wood that reminded me of home.
Across the hall was the entrance to the servants’ quarters. A quick peek inside revealed yet another hallway flanked by rows of doors on either side.
"We'll meet back here at the end of the day and then I'll show you where to sleep," she said, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. I nodded, suddenly so tired. We began down one last hallway; for being older, the woman marched with ease while I struggled to keep up. She stopped abruptly and pushed open a half-closed door. It swung open easily but bashed into something behind it, immediately stopping the quarreling of two men inside. They looked at us with the wide-eyed expressions of prey sensing danger, before turning their eyes towards whatever was behind the door. They both winced at the same moment as something tumbled to the floor.
"Bad spot for that, Mouse," the heavier one spoke.
"Why did you put it there?" the slender one shouted.
"You told me to!" The heavier one responded loudly. The slender one, Mouse, rolled his eyes.
"Missus Katrine, please pardon us! I'm afraid we weren't expecting anyone. What can I do for you?"
"Goodness, you boys should learn to organize your belongings better," the woman, Katrine admonished. Meanwhile I lurked behind her, wondering what my life would be like now.
Katrine continued, "I've brought you a slave." She turned around and motioned to me. I stepped forward and Mouse grew wide-eyed once again. Suddenly I was incredibly self-conscious of my height, my skin, and my gender. Katrine continued, "This girl has been in sick ward for a nasty injury in the Mines. What is your name girl?”
"Aneh," I said meekly.
"She belongs to the Citadel, but for now her quarters will be in the Keep. Bring her to numbers and supper at the end of the day and I'll show her where she'll stay." She smiled pleasantly if a little coldly, waited for Mouse and the other one to nod, then left, her heel clicks echoing as she strode away.
"Well, I'm Mouse and this is Mole," Mole bowed politely when Mouse gestured to him, "We clean the worst of the worst messes here in the Red Keep. Sometimes we fix things, but mostly we just clean. It's not that bad once your nose and your stomach get used to it," He paused and looked at me in the eye without judgment, without greed or hatred. He looked at me like no one had for months, like I was a human.
"Can you clean?" he asked.
I nodded slowly. "I can do whatever you tell me."
"Good," Mole grunted from the corner, "Quality work is hard to find around here." He shot a glance and a smirk at Mouse, who was already rolling his eyes. Hands on hips, Mouse was quick to retort.
"If you're talking about yourself, you're right."
At first I tried not to laugh, but suppressing giggles was difficult, even when they weren't being that funny. They probably thought I was crazy. Really I had just been terribly lonely.
Our shifts were long but we moved all over the Keep. It seemed like we'd been in every room after only a few days, but Mouse knowingly informed me that I hadn't seen but a fraction of the place.
They brought me, as Katrine had ordered, to numbers – the slave counting. We were counted in the morning after breakfast, before supper, and two hours later when we were meant to go to bed. But compared to life in the mines, this could hardly be considered slavery. I wasn't chained, I wasn't watched, and I was fed amply. I was very aware though, that I was a stark exception. Most of the workers and slaves in the Keep were light-skinned, straight-haired, and short. Their accents were nearly same. In the mines we were all different colors and spoke different tongues. I wondered where Zanne was, and if she was all right. I did not wonder where Bridge was, or Rhyan. I didn't even dare to think of what would happen if I saw either of them. Knowing they were out there preying on other helpless people made me sick to my stomach.
Mole and Mouse were seasoned. Good behavior had earned them more freedom, and also more responsibility. At supper they were the ones doing the numbers. They also had an enormous chain full of keys to rooms all over the Keep. They told me that not too long ago Katrine had earned her worth and then bought her freedom. Like a lot of the workers, she chose to stay working in the Keep and the Citadel. In ten to twenty years they could buy their own freedom too, they said. Mole dreamed of reading books and exploring lands far away from the city. Mouse wasn't sure what he wanted.
I knew what I wanted, but I knew I'd have to be unbearably patient. At night I'd like awake wondering how I could possible make it out alive with Olei, and how wonderful life would go back to being. I kept dreaming my vivid dreams. I kept waking up in despair.
Chapter 39
Yossinda
For the time being it seemed I was safe. Katrine got me out of the Keep and filled my place with a light-colored slave. I was so thankful. I prayed more than usual and gave the servant's House more of my earnings.
Until the night, Katrine had never been overly affectionate. But I had known she cared about me and I often wondered if it was she who had helped me move so far up in the Keep staff in so little time.
I couldn't tell my father what had happened with the King. I was ashamed of myself and feared that such news would shame him, too. I kept silent around my sister. If she knew I had been tarnished by the King it would be like she won, somehow, because I was now soiled. Maybe I was being punished for admiring the beauty of SaanKote. But I wasn't lusting after him or having impure thoughts. I simply thought he was pleasant looking. Such a punishment as I had suffered seemed extreme.
Working at the Citadel was much quieter. My jobs were mostly in the kitchens, sometimes I served food. That was my favorite job. I saw many underlings and every once in a while I got to see the Great Five. Katrine mentioned that I would apprentice with some of the underlings as a healer soon.
All this was good news. But though I was farther away from the King and protected by Katrine, I couldn't help but be afraid. I prayed more.
Chapter 40
Aneh
"So why do they call you Mouse and Mole?" I asked one night, once the common room had nearly cleared. Winter was beginning to give way to the windy season, Terro’s season. Many people complained this season was colder and harsher than winter. Those that didn’t go to bed early crouched around the fires in the common room. Mole reached for Mouse's bowl and was dipping the heel of his crusty bread into the remaining stew.
"Well, my ears stick out just the tiniest bit like so," He paused to point to his slightly larger and indeed mouse-like ears. He continued in his sharp, polite accent, "And I suppose I'm clever and quick, like a mouse.” Mouse's little frame constantly bobbed in his seat.
"It's because you can't sit still, you're irritating, and kept everyone awake at night when we were boys," Mole grumbled into his bowl.
"Humph. As you might expect, they call him Mole because he's ugly and fat!" Mole didn't budge to argue with his friend but kept chewing thoughtfully.
Mouse crossed his arms, and glared at Mole, "And you've finished my dinner."
Mole paused, his wide set eyes and straight mouth made him look more like a toad than any creature. Clearly irritated with Mouse, he emitted a low growl. Mouse left to take our bowls to the kitchens.
When Mouse returned he was full of new topics to chat about, including a fresh list of things we had to fix and clean. My helpfulness was indeed already appreciated they said. It was about time they got a strong and tough-stomached assistant.
Mouse returned to the table, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and produced a small pouch of candied nuts. He laid them out before us. Mole’s eyes grew big.
"Gosh Mouse, what'd you do, raid the Royal Safe?"
"Shhh! You silly fool! No, I didn't rob. They were throwing these delicious tidbits out because they were a few days sitting."