Chapter Eight – A Search For Answers
Crossing the courtyard, I’m surprised, my leg feels healed. Grabbing a flashlight, I tiptoe across the attic not to wake anyone. Flashing a beam across the St. Cloud’s uniquely beautiful, pale complexions, I scan the first row. Andrew’s eyes sparkle even in the portrait. As my eyes meet those in the back row, their eyes resemble thunderstorm clouds, Nicholas’ contains tiny flecks of sienna. Thinking William didn’t clean his brush, my eyes tear across them all. The eyes of the first row all contain shimmering diamond blue flecks while the second holds flecks resembling fading embers. My eyes focus upon two images sketched over the treetops, their facial features angry, and arms locked in battle, one with outstretched wings, while the other sports a tail and clipped wings, each encircled in their own bubble. Staring at them, I wonder if he included these strange creatures to display the very battle he sees this family helping him combat.
I jump as a cold grasp grips my shoulder, whirling me around.
My dream pierces my reality as Nicholas stands before me, eyes ablaze, voice dangerously angry. “What are you doing here? You are not welcome!” Unexpectedly, he releases my shoulder, grasping his head. Frozen from fear, I watch him struggle. His eyes flash from thundering gray to jet blue. His face momentarily calms. His mouth opens as if to speak, but then his features turn black and he takes a foreboding step toward me, lips parted. I can see his gleaming teeth. I back into the wall. Andrew’s back brushes against my front and I can feel each sinew of his tense muscles, his outstretched arms interlock with Nicholas’. They fly across the attic in a blur, no sound. Hurrying toward the stairs, fearing Andrew fell, I instead hear the downstairs door slam. Reaching the courtyard, I scan the trees, but no branch even rustles. Moving to the courtyard’s edge, my eyes catch a crimson and golden light streaking through the outer forest.
Fearing they will hurt each other, I bolt inside the residency, desperate to find Gabriel. Running upstairs, I’m surprised to realize that I am concerned for both of them. My intuition screams. If something happens to one of them, the other will also be hurt. Knocking frantically, Gabriel emerges fully dressed. “Andrew and Nicholas are fighting, you have to stop them.” I blurt out breathlessly.
He appears unsurprised. “Which way did they go?”
“I’m not sure, they moved so fast, but I did see lights in the forest. Please find them!”
He streaks past me like a hurricane.
Anxiously pacing within the small confines of my suite, my heart tries to rip itself from my chest. Wanting to scream, but fearing I will wake the house, I pick up an art book lying on the table, forcing my fingers to flip through the masterpieces of Michael Angelo, Raphael and Botticelli. My mind refuses to focus, my anxiety increases, my head pounds as my heart thrums like a freight train barreling down the tracks. Turn the page, concentrate…Turn the page, concentrate. I repeat this mantra. My eyes are no longer staring blankly, I gasp as Giovanni Fresco’s painting of The Guardian Angel leaps off the page, its glistening eyes, porcelain complexion and chiseled features looked hauntingly familiar. The angel stares out at me from the book, the way the angelic faces of Eva, Andrew, Gabriel, Jackson and Catherine stared out at me from William’s painting.
Shaking my head in disbelief, my subconscious mocks my thoughts. There are no such things that walk this earth. Get a grip or they really will make you a patient here. Besides, even if they did exist, they would not be filled with rage and anger like Nicholas. Am I losing my mind or is it just overreacting to the over active imaginations of the patients? Closing my eyes, hoping to dispel such thoughts, instead images of Andrew all aglow, hovering over me, speaking of using his strength to heal me flits across my eyelids along with the lights in the forest. My skin prickles remembering the feel of their cool touches. My head spins as it recounts the patients’ stories concerning the murderous, shadowy figures and the rescuing illuminated figures offering salvation. The bombarding images are so forceful, my ears begin ringing. Standing too quickly, the images intensify, the ringing becomes more profound, and I’m thrust into blackness.
Awareness slinks into my consciousness. I am no longer on the floor but in my bed. Someone is sitting beside me, their cold fingers on my wrist. My fluttering eyes meet Andrew’s anxious stare. All reasoning lost, I hurl myself at him, embracing him tightly. “You’re alright! I was so worried.”
As reason returns, I drop my arms quickly. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” His hand reaches as if to stroke my cheek but falls to his side. “Are you alright?” His voice sounds concerned.
“I’m fine, but why is Nicholas so angry with me, it can’t be because of the coffee incident?”
A flurry of emotions flits across his face, some indiscernible. “I don’t know what to tell you other than I’m sorry for my brother’s actions.”
My hand shakes as my index finger briefly brushes down the index finger of his fallen hand. Breathlessly, I plea, “Earlier you asked me to trust you and I did. Please trust me now and tell me what’s going on!”
Anguish distorts his features, his tone virtually inaudible. “We are not your typical family…”
Gabriel bursts in. “Andrew there is an emergency.” Leaning over, he whispers something I cannot hear.
Rising, Andrew mutters “I’m sorry” before they’re both out the door. Exasperated by the all too perfect timing, I flop back on the bed groaning.
Gabriel and Andrew are nowhere to be found as I start my rounds, steering each patients’ session toward their recounting of the events that led them to this place. Each in a fervent voice describes an event wrought with unexplained atrocity and a miraculous rescue. Listening intently, reviewing their records, a realization hits me like a wrecking ball, nothing about them or their history indicates contentions devoid of reality, other than what is tied to the one event which forever altered their existence.
I set out to find William who’s still out sketching. I catch sight of Gabriel heading toward the terminal building. He is on the telephone as I come up behind him. “It is necessary. Don’t worry. I promise you that nothing will happen while you’re gone. Obviously you are in deeper than you have ever been and you need to gain perspective before…” He stops abruptly and turns. “Hello, Mia.”
“Gabriel what happened last night?”
“I’m sorry that you got caught in a misunderstanding. When I found them, they had straightened everything out.” His voice is calm, but his eyes look everywhere but at me.
“Are you covering again for Andrew?”
“Yes, I have to check on Mr. Saperstein, but then was going to look for you. Andrew and Eva went to set up Alex as an outpatient. Jackson will help you with Eva’s patients; she should only be gone a few days.” He moves into the building quickly.
None of this makes any sense. Physicians don’t leave patients to care for bereaving relatives. Frustrated by the cloak and dagger mystery weaving an intricate web of deception around me, my muscles tighten and my mind reels. Despite it all, my inner consciousness screams, you know the family is good, you just need to figure out what they are trying to protect with their misdirection.
My thoughts are interrupted by William. “Are you looking for me doc?”
“Yes, how did your sketching go?”
“Very well”
Moving toward a bench, he shows me his sketches and we speak conversationally. “William, what did you mean about the differences in the St. Cloud family?”
His eyes dart around. “Doc, I shouldn’t have said anything. You’ll think I’m suffering delusions again.”
Trying to convey my sincerity, “I would never think that. I know you have a theory about them; you even express it in your art. I am very interested in what think. You know they say an artist can perceive a person’s true soul and observe what others overlook.”
His jaw drops. “Do you really believe that?”
“I do. I know artis
ts can see beyond someone’s seeming appearance, uncover their true nature.”
Leaning closer, his voice drops. “Eva, Jackson, Gabriel, Catherine and Andrew are involved in our care because they are good, illuminated by the light like the woman who saved me, but their siblings struggle because the dark shadows try to cling to them, engulf them. Only fleetingly have I seen the light penetrate their encroaching shadows. You need to be careful around them.” His tone conveys his sincerest belief.
“William, do you see the light or darkness around them all the time?”
“No, I see them at night as they return from their walks when I’m painting in the loft.” His voice turns pleading, his body exuding anxiety. “Doc, please don’t say anything. They won’t let me paint at night anymore.”
Wanting to reassure him, I reply calmly. “I won’t say a word, but William people can’t give off light, it must be coming from a flashlight.”
“Doc, I’m sure you believe that, but I know what I saw as a boy and am resolute in my belief regarding what I see now. If this means you think I’m suffering from delusions, maybe you should consider that you are deluding yourself as to what really is allowed to walk in our plane.” He states resolutely.
The next few days go by routinely. I even send apologetic emails to my family in hopes of mending fences, badly in need of repair.
Finishing early on Friday, I decide to take a hike. Grabbing the compass my grandmother gave me so that I could always find my way home; I walk brusquely, enjoying the surrounding beauty, despite my preoccupation with the patients’ surreal contentions and my imagination. As the sky darkens, a flickering glow, escaping the windows of a cabin nestled in the woods, catches my attention. The residents must have lit a fire. Anticipating the aroma of burning wood, I inhale deeply, but only a crisp pine scent tickles my nostrils. Looking up, there is no smoke emanating from the chimney.
Arguing voices pierce the peaceful silence, spiking my curiosity. Moving closer, an enraged female voice bellows. “You know she is protected while on these grounds, so stop plotting. You agreed to this arrangement and fighting with them gets us nowhere, we suffer, they suffer and our situation remains unchanged. Even you have to admit you found nothing in these last hundred years to say following him will help us. You know he deceives. He is evil and you know what his doings have cost this family! What if Andrew is right and by his creating her and his lust for her children, our fate is sealed. At least they have found peace. Maybe we could too and become a family again.” I hear her longing. “Don’t you want a little time to be happy before the all too consuming horror that will plague our eternity?”
“I know he is part of us all, but maybe if we give him something he wants more than us, she will be set free and so might we. Our mother chose her path, but our choice was ripped away. He will never let us go unless we can bargain with something he wants more and I was told he wants her! I think she’s very powerful. Maybe she is the key to unlocking it all! Besides he’d probably send her here to do his work, so even she won’t suffer.” The male’s inflamed retort reminds me of Nicholas, I shudder.
Fearing I might be right, I turn to leave, but another frustrated male voice stops me in my tracks. “No good can come of siding with him. Even if you gave him Mia, it doesn’t mean that he would let us go.” They’re talking about me! My blood runs cold and my legs feel bolted to the ground. “We would always be one soul shy of freedom. Just think about those we’ve already imprisoned. Just because we are part of him doesn’t mean we can’t overcome it, look what they have done! Maybe this is a cosmic joke with us as pawns and we need to do what is right to bring us peace while we are here.”
“Maybe mister perfect doesn’t know everything and our not seeking anyone who isn’t already tagged is what forestalls our finding a solution! I know we can’t escape what he made us, but maybe if we committed to him here, we could escape being engulfed in his fiery abyss.” Nicholas’ roaring retort knocks the wind from my lungs. I sink to the cold ground.
“You know what he is!” The female’s voice sounds exasperated. “All who serve him are forever damned. Serving him will seal our fate for sure the way her giving into his trickery sealed hers. Do you really want to forever be one of his shadows? Remember the condemnation we witnessed through her eyes, the burning, the desolation, the emptiness. Think back, I know that it was a few hundred years ago, but it’s not something you forget, ever! Then think of how you felt seeing paradise through our father’s eyes and feeling its peace. I want to spend my eternity that way. I think we should join them.”
“You are all wrong! By siding with them and protecting her, you condemn us all! We should act while he is away and cannot stop us!” A loud crash echoes through the trees, energizing my legs. I crawl quickly and hurl myself over shrubs at the cabin’s side just as the door thrashes open. Holding my breath, my body shudders as someone streaks toward the forest. Hiding for what feels like an eternity, I hug myself trying to stop my shaking and chattering teeth as I repeat my mantra. Calm down. If they hear you, God knows what they will do.
Additional footsteps scramble down the stairs, across the fallen leaves then everything is silent. Forcing myself from my hiding place, I carefully begin back trying not to make a sound, hoping they are not still in the woods. The cold is now biting. My stomach protests missing lunch and dinner. Finally reaching my suite by 10:30 p.m., I close and lock the door, wondering if returning is really a good idea. A rapid knock makes me jump. “Mia!” Gabriel calls out anxiously. Opening the door, his all too pale face and wary eyes greet mine. “Where have you been? If anything ever happened to you, he…” His voice drifts as his eyes tear toward the floor.
“Gabriel, are you concerned because you know what happened in the woods?”
“Who did you see in the woods?” He stares at me as if trying to rip the answers from my mind. His features turn frustrated.
“I didn’t see anyone! I heard them however.”
“Did they see you? What did they say?” His anxiety ridden tone tells me he knows exactly who I came across.
I suspect William’s warning is correct. “You admit who they are first and then maybe I’ll you what I heard.” I blurt out louder than desired. I try to quiet my tone. “I don’t like this cloak and dagger mystery. I won’t do anything to harm your family, but I need answers!” Despite everything I heard I don’t want to see anything bad further impinge upon this family. From what I heard, they suffered enough.
“It is better for you to only look at the surface, learning anything beyond that can only…” He stops suddenly anxious he said too much.
Taking his hand, ignoring its steely, cold feel, I plead. “I can be trusted! I know that your family suffered a tragedy which led you here searching for a solution, a key.” His eyes flash. “Maybe if you tell me, I can help. I would never harm you!”
“I wish I could, but you would never understand. I don’t understand myself!” His anguished voice turns formal and his body stiffens. “Please don’t travel around the woods alone, we travel in pairs.”
“What are you afraid of?”
He’s distracted. “There are animals and you can get lost.”
Trying one last impassioned plea, “Gabriel, please speak to Andrew about trusting me. You say you can’t tell me, but I know he can and wish he would because I only want to help. Eva threw me a life vest when I needed it most and I would love to return the favor.”
“I will consider what you said but can do no more than that.” His response is clipped.
The next several days pass quickly and I’m relieved I don’t see Nicholas anywhere. I even assist patients on a horseback ride. As everyone picnics at a lake, the St. Clouds feed the horses, insisting they ate earlier. As William sketches me, I wonder how that’s possible since Jackson and Catherine were with me, never eating a bite.
Returning, Eva is there. My heart accelerates at the thought of Andrew’s return. I try to convince myself
it is because I will get answers to this mounting mystery, but I know better. I’m falling for someone I have no right to care for and who could never be interested in someone as lost as myself.
After settling the patients, I return to the residency. Eva is heading upstairs. She looks wary. “How did it go?”
“They are settled and the clinic will apprise me of her progress. Catherine called me and told me how well you are doing. So how do you feel about coming here now?” I could hear the implications assuring me she spoke to Gabriel too.
“You were right. Coming here is the right decision for me. I really do want to help everyone here.” I respond brightly, hoping she understands my double meaning.
Following me into my suite, we go over the records.
“Eva, was Andrew alright when he heard of Mr. Saperstein’s passing?”
“He felt badly, but is happy that he finally found peace. He is staying in New York to assist an old colleague.” An unwelcomed longing unfurls in my stomach, I need a distraction. “Eva, why is only half your family in patient care?”
“It takes more than just physicians to run this facility efficiently.”
“Do you know why your brother dislikes me so much?”
She looks surprised. “Andrew likes you very much. He thinks you’re a great addition to our staff.”
“I don’t mean Andrew, I mean Nicholas.” So focused on my inquiry, it takes my body a moment to register the butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Forcing myself to focus, I see her eyes shift.
Exhausted from the mental gymnastics of sifting through evasive half-truths, I plead. “Eva, please tell me the truth! I have observed a lot of strange things and overheard many more. You brought me here to help and I’m hoping that I can. This is the first place I have ever found peace and it is you who threw me this lifeline when I was sinking and there was no place to go but toward the bottom. You also saved my life after my car accident. I want to help, please let me!” My revelation brings her up short.
Rising, and pacing, she mutters to herself, talking about how it was a mistake to bring me here. A blanket of sadness covers me. “Please don’t think that. I wanted to come, I needed to come! I don’t want to cause trouble, it’s just that I feel that this is where I’ve been heading, but never knew it.”
“Mia, I am happy that you’re here. You are a talented physician. Please understand, Nicholas doesn’t hate you, he is just struggling with things that have happened to our family.”
“Why does he want to give me to someone so that you can be free?”
She freezes. Finally she speaks authoritatively. “No one is giving you to anyone! How much have you observed?”
I decide to tell her everything, hoping she won’t insist on my leaving what I now consider home. The words flood out. “I know an animal caused me to crash. I died and saw you, Catherine and Andrew hovering over me. Andrew used all his strength to save me and the three of you seemed to glow with the intensity of your efforts. I know you took me to a cabin in the woods which I believe I found and where I heard your siblings arguing over me. If I got the gist correct, Nicholas believes I can help free you and them from something terrible that is holding you. However, the others are not sure and don’t want to risk fighting with you over my protection. I know Gabriel has superhuman speed and suspect he is not the only one with special talents. You are all exceptionally beautiful like porcelain dolls and just as smooth and cold. I never see any of you eat. All of the patients you treat believe their families were taken by something surreally evil and that they were rescued by a beautifully illuminated spirit. I have seen illuminations of light in the woods which do not resemble any flashlight. I know that you and your siblings are bound to this place by something well beyond your control and that you have been searching for an answer longer than I can comprehend. For some reason, Nicholas believes I may be the solution, but as long as I’m here and he stays true to a truce, I’m protected.”
She stills, processing everything I revealed. After several ticks of the clock, she inquires with a resigned voice. “Who did you tell this to?”
“I have only spoken to Gabriel.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me that only Andrew could give me the answers, but that he was dealing with something that is clouding his perspective. Is that true?”
She hesitates. “Yes. You are exceptionally observant. We are struggling against something that we had no choice in. We have limitations, but we also have gifts which we need to trust to lead us to a solution.”
“Can you tell me what is going on?”
“No, Andrew is the oldest and his distraction is you.”
My pulse races wildly. Could it really be possible that Andrew is interested in me?
Eva interrupts my introspection. “Mia, I’m going to have to call Andrew and he will have to come back sooner than anticipated. I don’t know what he will tell you, but I need you to be patient. I know that it is asking a lot, but I promise you that you are safe here!” She squeezes my hand reassuringly.
I’m elated. Andrew is thinking of me, but fear overshadows me. What if my observations are wrong making him wary so that he asks me to leave? I can’t sleep. I need answers.
My inner voice pleads with me to connect my knowledge and observations with the common threads revealed by the patients. Maybe if I put enough together before he returns, I’ll have to stay to ensure their secrets are not revealed.
My mind free falls as I allow the images and information to bombard my conscious reaching for those illusive connections. Do I already know the answer, but refuse to accept or even consider it? Considering all of the patients here, it hits me like a wrecking ball. The treatments are not geared to disavow their claims but to find peace. The patients feel protected here, especially William. Is he right? Am I deluding myself? If they aren’t some type of fantastical family, when I was in the accident, they would have taken me here, my car would be totaled and I would have scars. A typical facility would have patients other than ones who only believe pure evil claimed their family but absolute goodness, shrouded in illumination, saved them. Everything is associated with the endless conflict between good and evil.
Closing my eyes, I try to open my mind to possibilities beyond human confines concentrating on what I have discerned about this family. Images of their perfect features, without a hint of human imperfection, flit through my mind as I consider their cool touches, Gabriel’s speed, Andrew’s ability to heal without instruments, his preoccupation with preserving souls, their illuminated glows, conversations revealing lives beyond normal life spans. My mind is suddenly flooded with William’s paintings, as a fleeting thought forces itself into my consciousness. What if they are telling a story that could not be silenced?
A moment later, I am standing in the psychiatric lobby staring at the island lighthouse. Its beam shoots across a sunlit ocean, glistening despite the blue sky. The beam is directed against overshadowing clouds encroaching upon the distant forest. Staring at it, I am reminded of the patients’ stories of being saved by someone shrouded in light fighting back the dark shadows who stole their families.
As I move to the next building, images in William’s file that caused me to shiver all those years ago, flood my thoughts.
The terminal building is quiet as I am once again captivated by the exquisite angel crushing the darkened shadow fighting to hold her down. Her face and that of the child are pale, flawless their blue eyes sparkle with the same depth and intensity that adorns the eyes of the St. Clouds in the first row of William’s painting. My eyes shift to the shadow impeding the angel’s assent, and widen as I realize it has turbulent, gray eyes with sienna flecks like the remaining St. Cloud family.
Scurrying upstairs to the family portrait, I flip over the cover, once again revealing their surreal faces. Eva, Gabriel, Andrew, Catherine and Jackson’s features appear serene, their eyes glistening with the clear, blue intensity of a perfect
sky, each adorned in an almost indiscernible glow, a faint echo of the glow enshrouding the angel downstairs. Their siblings’ features are equally beautiful, but their eyes are thunderstorm gray with just a hint of burning embers. They are not adorned in a soft glow, but shrouded in the lightest of shadows. Moving closer, I observe a muted shimmer penetrating the darkness with soft, golden lines piercing through the surrounding dusk.
The two creatures are also completed. They are the faintest reflections against the breaking dawn and I squint to make out their details. One a baby angel, complete with wings, adorned in a golden cloud, fighting a creature enshrouded in a clouded shadow, but it too has light rays piercing through its darkness. Straining to see the details, I am shocked to realize they are not embroiled in battle. Instead, the angel is grasping this creature as if to bring it closer.
My eyes lock on the embracing creatures as my mind fights against the concept each patient professes is real. Taking in a deep breath, I close my eyes, forcing my mind to expand beyond the normal confines. As I do, one concept forces its way to the forefront. If angels and demons do exist, how are they involved in the secret that plagues this family, binding them to this place? Embracing this concept, I recall the revelation that their struggle has spanned beyond human reality, but how does Nicholas’ belief about handing me over come into play to help end their suffering? I feel like Alice after she steps through the looking glass. Am I becoming delusional or am I catching a rare glimpse of a reality which our minds discount? I need more information and wonder if going through the patients’ records, seeing how they describe the so-called angels may help.
Rushing back to my room, I hope my computer can offer me more insight, but am quickly disappointed as I realize the records only hold brief references of angels illuminated in light. Has Eva purposefully kept the records vague? Maybe the patients themselves can answer this for me.