Chapter 14 What’s Important
San Francisco, 2007
Karen’s birthday came just nine days before Bill’s, and since their first year together, they had combined their celebrations. If it was up to Bill, this would have probably been nothing more than a hearty toast of wine over dinner with the two of them and no meetings right afterwards.
Karen, though, had grown up with a mom who made the day special. And she had been happy to continue that tradition, and share it with Bill, and of course make a big deal out of Bethany’s mid-summer birthdays. All these years later, Bill had come around to enjoy a bit of a fuss, Karen thought. And because they celebrated together, they generally bought themselves a joint present – something nice for the house, or a weekend getaway, or in earlier years just a babysitter and a good dinner out.
Since her mom and Jerry had moved to the Bay Area, almost ten years ago now, they also got the family together for a meal or picnic or something. Every year it seemed more challenging to find a date and place that worked for everyone. With the combined families, Jackie’s and JJ’s schedules included, with the extra hours now normal for Bill and of course side tracking around her own clients and 14 year old Bethany’s growing activity load, they were lucky to even keep it close to the middle of March.
But every year Karen was glad in the end to have done it. It was truly a joy that Bethany was growing up in frequent touch with her grandma, and that her mom got the pleasure of this role. And it just felt right for her, for her and Bill, to be in the midst of all these people she loved.
Back around Valentine’s Day, Bill had quietly suggested that they could maybe also go out to dinner, just the two of them, sometime later. He probably had the toughest schedule these days, and the family gatherings tended to stretch hours past what seemed reasonable to him for dinner and a birthday cake. Now that she thought of it, he’d made the same suggestion a year ago. They had tried a couple times but never actually managed to go. And here a whole year had elapsed.
It didn’t seem that long, Karen thought. Seemed like just a few months ago she had been leaning toward Bill, squeezing his hand as they blew out the candles together on Mom’s home made fudge cake. She pictured Bethany from last year – she had just gotten her braces on and had been practicing smiling without opening her mouth.
That’s how one tells time with a kid, she told herself. Look at her now and see the changes, talk to her and hear a teenager instead of a child. Bethany was even now conspiring with her grandmother on something birthday related. She and JJ between them had persuaded Mom and Jerry to buy a decent home computer and gotten them wired up. Bethany, whether through powers of persuasion or just by being a modern child who could hardly communicate except via messages and texts, had gotten Mom savvy enough to have online chats with the girl that Karen was no longer a party to.
Bethany was a bit tech obsessed these days, in Karen’s opinion. It was hard to tell how much was just normal for a kid growing up here and now, versus the degree to which she should be concerned that the girl spent so many hours in an online trance.
This morning, for instance, the morning of the birthday bash – wouldn’t one expect a teenager to be trying on outfits, maybe asking for a trip to the mall to buy new jeans or something? Nope, Bethie had slumped down to the latest possible breakfast Karen allowed on weekends, then returned to the little alcove in the living room with the family computer and hadn’t budged since. She was counting the days until she could have her own computer, the way kids used to look forward to getting drivers’ licenses. Once she gets one set up in her bedroom, we’ll never see her, Karen thought.
She knew how to check the browser history, and had done so, whispering her guilt later to Bill. Bill shrugged it off; he thought they should be glad she stayed in the house, that they could keep an eye on her. He had co-workers with kids who stole prescription meds or came home drunk.
But honestly, Karen didn’t really know what her daughter was doing for so long online, who she messaged with, what sorts of inappropriate things she was seeing. Probably JJ was the only adult she knew who would be able to delve deeper into the computer records, find that stuff out. JJ, though, Bethany’s favored uncle, would most likely not be in favor of such spying.
Hard to imagine approaching him about it anyway. Last time the family had gathered, over Christmas with both her brothers in town, JJ had barely shown up, arriving late for the one joint big meal and then hustling off early with another event to get to. Making it pretty clear that hanging out with the family fell low on his social totem pole. She didn’t care herself, but it worried her that Bethany would be hurt. She always enjoyed her high tech chats with JJ, gloating over the knowledge of Apple products and insider websites they shared that the rest of the family hardly knew or cared about.
Karen decided to leave well enough alone for now, abandoning her daughter to her keyboard and mouse, and busying herself with errands and things around the house. Bill was home, but working, shut in the office with his work laptop. He would drag himself away in time for the party, but she knew better than to expect much more before then. He had less control over his hours than she did. Karen certainly appreciated the relative freedom of being her own boss, setting her own hours. Of course she purposely freed up her weekends and evenings, and was careful not to promise jobs turned around super fast. In fact, she had turned down potential clients who came in with those sort of 24/7 schedule demands
Bill, she thought, could have been a bit more proactive that way. Instead these recent go go go years had pushed him to take on a greater workload, longer hours. It almost seemed like he avoided the sort of unscheduled time that she made a point of arranging for herself. It’s not like either of them need fear running out of clients, she felt sure. Both of them drew from the valley – his the big companies, hers small orgs or individuals, but everybody pretty flush with cash these days. She swallowed back the concern that surfaced sometimes, of just why he kept himself so busy.
Just after five, she poked her head into the office where he’d been ensconced for most of the afternoon. “We should leave in half an hour,” she said lightly.
He glanced up, nodding. “I’m just about done here.”
Nothing in his posture to offer cause for concern – his standard eye contact and smile, no sudden moves to clear his screen or anything (as Bethie sometimes did if approached from behind). Just too bad it took two birthdays to get him up and out for a nice social evening. Lately it seemed to Karen that she was more likely to turn to near strangers to have the sorts of engaging and rambling conversations she used to have with Bill. New clients over lunch, little networking gatherings or catching up with friends she hadn’t seen for awhile – all seemed to offer more fun than tiptoeing around Bill’s headache once he had finally shut off his laptop.
Karen stretched open the closet doors and pulled out a couple things to test out. She didn’t need to be super dressy, but she wanted to look nice. At 44. Was that middle aged yet? Certainly Bethany would think so. She pulled on the name brand jeans that Bethany had rolled her eyes at, apparently of the opinion that adults shouldn’t wear anything so low slung and tight. Unfortunately, they were tight; not ideal for a big sit down meal.
Who was she kidding, she thought, turning to her favorite slimming basic black pants and a soft ruby colored sweater. The dinner was at Jackie and Tony’s place in the city, centrally located between Belmont and Mom and Jerry’s house out in Orinda. When Karen had worried that it would be an imposition, Mom assured her that she was taking care of catering the thing, Jackie was just providing the place. And that she would like the excuse to show it off, frankly, having just updated their living room furniture. Again.
“You look nice,” Bill’s voice came behind her.
“Thanks.” Definitely she was going with this outfit then. Karen took in a side look in the mirror. She had kept her weight down pretty well, and her hair
, when it was styled, didn’t look too bad. But somehow everything had pulled downward, condensed toward her middle, she thought, standing taller, arching. Up close, little lines crisscrossed below her eyes and radiated outwards. Laugh lines, but still.
Bill, typically, snagged a shirt and pants and dressed quickly, without so much as a glance toward his reflection. His age showed too, but his deepening jowls and salt and pepper hair just made him look distinguished. He was getting a bit soft in the middle, and no wonder since he spent so much time sitting at one or anther desks. He went into the bathroom to shave, leaving the door open. “Let’s not stay too late, okay?” he said, voice muffled as he twisted his mouth around.
“Um hmm. Mom and Jerry won’t want to be on the road real late anyway.” Karen wasn’t ready for promises – they so rarely went out, why not make a night of it? It’s not like Bethany was a little girl with an early bedtime anymore.
She knew Bill had a whole list of things he needed to do over the weekend, some work related, others for the house. He had at least one college basketball game to watch, which he would do while reading a week’s worth of business sections from the paper. And he would need to check his voicemail and email a dozen or more times, never mind it was the weekend. Bethany was the same way – she could barely function without near continual input from her friends either on the computer or on the phone.
The pace of their lives, of pretty much everybody’s lives, Karen thought, had accelerated too much in recent years. It really wasn’t healthy. She could see it in Bill’s minor health problems, and in the pressure Bethany and her friends put on themselves to succeed in school. With lots of her clients too. And when she went into the city, especially at rush hour, it was sad and a little scary to see the stress level apparent on pretty much everybody riding BART. She couldn’t help but look at strangers tapping furiously away at their laptops and think that their relationships must be suffering as well.
Karen moved purposely away from the mirror, and from her negative thoughts. She turned her mind instead to Mom, dinner, the bright lights of the city, and went with a smile to prod Bethany to get ready.
They arrived in good time, only minimal traffic on the way into the city. Too early for the Saturday night rush, Karen thought. Bill parked in the overpriced lot a couple blocks away; that helped too, instead of circling endlessly for something free to open up.
It was just getting dark, but the sidewalks were well lit and swarming with people. Voices and traffic noises and finely restored architecture competed for attention. Just being here felt festive, Karen thought, pulling closer to Bill as they skirted around a rollicking group of young men. She watched Bethany’s eyes darting toward them – hopefully the girl was admiring their brand new cell phones and not the young men themselves. She felt an involuntary shiver just from this quick glimpse of what the next few years would no doubt bring.
Jackie’s condo was up a hill, then up broad front stairs. Karen paused for a moment at the top, catching her breath and admiring the grand rows of houses below. The bell chimed inside, followed by excited barking and quick footsteps as Tony welcomed them and ushered them in, one hand held behind him toward the dogs.
Greetings all around – it was always great to see Tony, whom she had known forever. Tony took coats and released the well behaved dogs to wriggle up, noses raised and tails slapping. Jackie emerged from a fragrant smelling dining room looking lovely and regal. “Happy birthdays!” she exclaimed, hugging everyone in turn. “Hope you’re hungry – your mom ordered enough for a small army.”
“Or JJ if he brings a couple friends,” Tony added.
He and Jackie exchanged one of those not now dear looks. JJ, Karen recalled hearing, had recently shown up at a small dinner party with three uninvited guests. One of whom he had only met the day before.
“He just doesn’t always think ahead,” Jackie said. “He is planning to be here tonight, running a bit late as usual,” she assured them. “Just him though. I was hoping one of those gals was more than a friend, but it seems not.”
Further discussion was interrupted by the Mom and Jerry’s arrival, setting off another round of frantic barking and happy hugs. Tony lured noisier of the dogs into a back room, and Jackie led the rest of them on a tour of the newly furnished living area. The place was a refurbished Victorian, and they had torn out the drop ceilings and restored the intricate woodwork of the original design. There was period furniture too, though Jackie apologized that it was already starting to look shabby because the dogs loved to sit by the windows and look out.
Karen oohed and aahed as she was expected to, but also thought that the lived in look of the dogs’ favored couch was probably the best part of the room. Otherwise it seemed more like a page from a magazine than a place where people enjoyed living. It was nice, it was pretty and everything, but Karen couldn’t imagine curling up with a bowl of ice cream, for instance – a single spilled drop could wreck a chair.
They sat, kind of clustered around Mom and Jerry, and accepted wine glasses from Tony. He thoughtfully brought out soda in a fluted glass for Bethany. He would have been a good dad, Karen thought. Too bad it never happened. Jackie had never really confided the particulars, but Mom had confirmed that they had tried but not succeeded in having a baby. Quiet early miscarriages only. No wonder she threw herself into perfecting her house and her dogs, Karen told herself, you should be more sympathetic.
Jackie adored the dogs anyway, that much was clear. Although would she have been quite so good as a parent? She had so often babied JJ too much, almost in the same way as the dogs – excuses were made when he misbehaved, treats were offered. It wasn’t her fault back in Pennsylvania, she was just a girl stepping in where their mother tossed up her hands at his exploits. But Karen wondered how much Jackie would have done the same thing with a child of her own. Watching her old friend, she could even now see traces of the girl she had ridden bikes with so far away in time and place both.
As a kid, she had admired Jackie, but also felt a bit competitive with her. Or maybe like the short end of the stick in comparison? But now she felt, without any rancor, that she had the better life. The better balance, maybe. Jackie still exuded a kind of high pitched wire of tension that was almost visible across the room. How she strove for flawlessness in the smallest things, things that didn’t really matter. The exact placement of the meticulous and matching place settings at their fancy dining room table, the precise temperature of the food, the pairing of wines.
Even now, Jackie pulled Tony into the kitchen to confer about how long to wait, whether things would dry out too much. Mom rose to go in but thought better of it, and sat back. Jerry patted her arm with a smile. They all knew JJ would be late, just not how late. It didn’t matter, Karen thought. He would hardly care if they started without him, nor notice if everything was held up on his account. A day or two later, who would even remember.
So many things that once seemed important just faded over time. Karen gazed over at Bill, who had gotten down on the floor to goof around with one of the dogs while Bethany watched, giggling. Think of back at the beginning, struggling over whether to call up that attractive new man, or what to say, running over possible topics of conversation in her head, nervous for their dates. Passionate love, furious anger, glee and humiliation and sorrow all eventually shriveled and became pale shadows of themselves. Winners and losers in competitions now just blended together.
Even things that were once shocking or shameful could lose their sting over time. An out of wedlock child, an affair, an accidental betrayal. Once, Karen thought, a woman widowed like her mom was would have been expected to remain true to her husband’s memory even if she outlived him by decades. But it was surely better to see Mom happy again. In the same way, where she once felt any rivalry with Jackie, now she just wished her to find as much happiness as she could.
The doorbell chimed, the dogs leapt up, and
Bill rose slowly, a careful hand on his knee, brushing himself off. We’re middle aged, Karen thought, like it or not.
JJ slumped into the room, mumbling a general greeting to the group. Jerry rose for a handshake; the others stayed seated, knowing how JJ tended to lurch back from any sort of demonstrative movements.
“You got any decent beer,” he called to Tony. “I’m so thirsty. Not into this fruity wine.”
Tony’s lips formed a thin line, you could almost see him swallowing back a reply to the insult of his wine, which was dry and delicious. He carefully provided a cold beer and a mug, and when JJ stood there looking half confused, he poured it for him.
He was more than a little stoned, Karen thought, glancing at Bill to see if he noticed. Bill gave a minute head shake and looked away. Neither of them wanted to call attention to it, although frankly she suspected that Bethany was already familiar with stoned behavior. From movies rather than school, she hoped at least.
“How’s the new job, JJ?” Mom asked gamely. “He was asked to give a presentation to a whole division just days after he started,” she added, turning toward the others.
JJ’s eyes drifted over the group. He cleared his throat. His expression suggested it was a burden to be forced to address them, but a necessary evil. “It was lame,” he said. “Not a presentation, just a demo of a new product. One I’d just learned. They’re, like, too, um, unaware of how to use their systems to have just figured it out.”
He was going to say old, Karen thought, stifling a grin. At least he was aware enough to not be that grossly rude.
“Well, we’re proud of him anyway,” Mom said with a genuine sounding innocence. “It’s quite a coup to take on a management role so quickly, I’d say.”
“It is, and he can do that sort of thing really well, he’s a quick study,” Jackie said, answering for him, the way she liked to do. She toweled off her hands and motioned him towards a chair. “Sit already, relax.”
JJ drank down some more beer. “Are we going to eat pretty soon?” he asked her. “You were all rushing me and shit.”
“It’ll be a few minutes,” she answered calmly. “The food has to heat. Thanks again, Amelia, it looks delicious.”
JJ looked ridiculously put upon as he plopped himself onto the chair. “Come here, mutts,” he said to the dogs. He liked to play kind of rough with them, get them riled up.
Karen could see Tony grimacing, practically read the thought bubble above his head: of course JJ would be late, make everyone wait, and then wonder why dinner didn’t instantly appear. And then spend the time waiting annoying the dogs, grabbing their toys away, tempting them to bite before shoving them roughly away. He never had cared much for any kind of animals, she thought, remembering how obnoxious he had been with his meat eating when Joy was deep in her vegetarian phase.
Soon they moved into the dining room, laughing at the long pause in conversation as everyone dug into the food. Mom, in that graceful way she had, made sure they all participated in the conversation, even drawing out Bill to talk about some recent jobs. Karen watched happily as he talked, sounding more relaxed than he had all week. And she smiled to see how nicely and patiently Bethany sat listening. She would surely rather be on the phone with her friends, but she got it, that sitting around the table with Mom and Dad was important too.
Jackie rushed out the cake as soon as they were done eating. Assuming, Karen supposed, that JJ would get visibly impatient or stand up to leave otherwise. Well, she was happy to eat Mom’s cake whenever and wherever. They lit a few token candles, and she and Bill gently blew them out.
While Jackie backed the cake into the kitchen to slice it onto her lovely little plates, Bethany proudly presented her gift. It was a small rectangle. Karen exchanged a raised brow with Bill. Mom was beaming.
It was a CD case. Karen held it up for the rest of them to see.
“It’s your best pictures,” Bethany exclaimed. “From all the way back, Grandma loaned me hers and we snuck some of Dad’s out of the photo albums. And mine. Not all of them, just the good ones. Look at the image.”
Karen unclasped the case. Right on the disk was a favorite picture of the three of them, from when Bethany was about five. They were at a local park; Bethany had scrambled up onto a rock and Karen and Bill flanked her. They were windblown and squinting toward the sun, but in each face you could see such happiness.
“This is wonderful, what a good idea, you two,” Karen exclaimed. Feeling her eyes suddenly teary, she let Bill finish the thanks for both of them. Bethany had always had a good eye for composition and image – something she had gotten from both of them no doubt. She grinned across the table at Mom, who was delicately dabbing her own eyes with a napkin.
As the evening continued, Karen finally felt as joyous as she had been aiming for earlier in the day. She didn’t bother to take the slightest offense when JJ hurriedly departed, after a few more unkind words toward his bosses and nothing whatsoever about Bill or Karen’s birthdays. At least Bethany had a new computer partner in her grandma, Karen thought. One who might be as likely to encourage her to go out and smell the flowers, to turn off all the devices and take pleasure in the natural world too. Maybe Bethany would roll her eyes if Karen said such things, but she’d bet the same ideas coming from Grandma would have an impact.
Not long later, Mom and Jerry made a move to go. “Are you in that little lot?” Bill asked Jerry. “Let me run over and pick up the car, I could use the exercise.”
“I’ll go too,” Karen said. “We’ll be right back, you two sit and entertain your granddaughter.” She followed Bill down the stairs, pleased with the delicacy with which he handled the older folks. Jerry had a bit of a balance problem, especially on hills, and Mom’s night vision was poor. She could only hope Bethany took after him rather than someone like JJ as far as that kind of tact come their later years.
They walked quickly, braced against the firm breeze. At the corner across from the lot, Bill stepped off the curb as the light turned. In a flash, a car careened through the red light, straight at him. Karen heard her own high loud gasp as Bill jumped back out of the way. Her heart pounded almost out of her chest. But he was standing upright, in one piece. A couple people nearby muttered angrily toward the driver, no one else much noticed.
“Are you okay, are you sure?” Karen repeated, as Bill nodded, firming his shoulders and crossing the street.
They got the car, and returned, seeing Mom and Jerry into it, climbing the stairs once again. They were fine, everyone was okay. But Karen felt the pure joy dissipating. Along with her desire to go out on the town. God, think how this night could have ended differently. Bill on a stretcher, or worse, or if it was Jerry or Mom. How casually we all say goodbye to each other when what if it was the very last time? Or think of their eventual reunion. If he had been injured, comatose or in surgery. The sweetness of their homecoming.
There are things I should be saying out loud to him every day, Karen thought. To all of them. On this night of their birthday celebration, she could suddenly think of nothing better than just going home, the three of them, and together looking at the pictures of their lives.