Chapter 15 Letting Go
San Francisco, 2010
If Jackie and Tony ever had managed to conceive and successfully give birth, she would have told the child about her burial wishes the moment the kid could read a legal document. Maybe sooner. As it was, she had insisted that she and Tony write up their own wills and had each of their sisters as witnesses. Wouldn’t you think her own mother could have managed that sometime before she reached age 75?
Jackie took a deep breath. Then another. She rose from her bed, already angry at the day, when she was supposed to be achieving closure. Closure from Mom’s death, from the speed of the cancer, the viciousness of the treatments, the exhaustion from those cross country trips to try, unsuccessfully, to mange it all. Maybe she had come through as well as she could, she and Joy both disrupting their lives but then losing Mom anyway. She had done her best for her mother and Mom had at least thanked her. But then withered and died. At peace at last, but it also felt like a rebuke, somehow, that Mom had just seemed to give up. Hadn’t even bothered with her basic paperwork, leaving Jackie to muddle through. Had never even made the second visit out here that she kept putting off.
If she’d had a child, then Mom would have made another trip, a bunch more probably. She would have fought harder, sought treatment earlier, something. Jackie stood in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to keep the harsh frown off her face, attempting yet a again to tamp down the familiar anger that rose like bitter bile.
Both Tony and a couple of Jackie’s friends had hinted that perhaps some of her fury was just misplaced grief. Well, whatever, as JJ would say. What she did know is that during the illness she had taken charge as usual, then been resented (Joy) or blown off (JJ) for making decisions as she saw fit.
Mom had not let on about the cancer at all, at first. She had ignored initial symptoms then somehow figured she would start her treatments, start getting better, before she worried anyone out west. That’s how she collectively referred to the family, with thinly veiled resentment that Jackie and JJ both lived so close to Dad and Amelia. Mom acted like they had jolly weekly meals together, when in fact she probably spoke on the phone equally frequently to both parents.
Anyway, by the time the word had gotten out, and Joy had driven back for a long weekend and then called Jackie to report, she was in terrible shape. It was lung cancer, stage 4, fast moving and not responding well to radiation. And that streak of a martyr complex of Mom’s had not helped the situation. Not apologizing for withholding info about her condition, just mumbling in her new whispery voice about “not wanting to bother you kids, you’re all so busy with your lives…”
When if she had bothered Jackie about it earlier, they could have made all the decisions together, gone over the paperwork while Mom was still focussed and thinking clearly. Gotten her input in some delicate way on her wishes for afterwards. The airfare would have been more reasonable, she could have scheduled her time better at work. Let it go, she told herself, for the thousandth time. It’s done.
Jackie dressed in the pretty mauve toned outfit she has laid out last night. Mom had always favored shades of red and purple; no somber black for this little family gathering. She glanced out at the day, glad to see the sun shining and little fog. They would be scattering the ashes at a nearby beach, so good the sun was out.
She said as much, joining Tony in the kitchen for coffee. Tony, bless him, had already been out and brought back fresh fruit, yogurt, pastries. Things Jackie considered ideal breakfast foods – at least he got it that this should be a special day.
“Think it’s too early to call JJ?” she asked.
Tony didn’t bother to answer beyond a quick eye roll. It was way too early. Frannie, the oldest and sweetest of their dogs, pressed against his legs as he reached down to cuddle her head. Frankie tried to squeeze in for his turn.
“I know we didn’t set an exact time,” Jackie continued, reaching over to give Frankie a pat. “But I want to give him a warning that we’re coming. To make sure he’s there, that he remembers. So we don’t have to sit around at his stinky old flat and everything.” She trailed off, aware she was just stating her worries out loud. Or substituting, worrying about JJ being ready when she was actually worried that he was still pissed off. Not to mention still unemployed, more directionless than ever as the stubborn recession dragged into another year.
As Mom had withheld her bad news from Jackie and Joy, they all had kept it from JJ for even longer. Jackie regretted that now, now that she knew how little time Mom had had left. At the time it seemed like sparing him – JJ could take that sort of thing hard. He could be like a kid, uncomprehending, but then lash out later. He got angry about anything he couldn’t control.
She had been worried about her brother already, as the financial meltdown that most people had seen coming apparently took him completely by surprise. The company he’d been working for had suddenly gone under, which had happened before, but not like this. JJ had worked at a bunch of places, but over a scant few months all those places were laying people off instead of hiring.
Probably not surprisingly, JJ had been pretty slow to tighten his belt the way most people did as layoffs loomed. They didn’t talk specifics, but she figured he’d been wracking up credit card debts, since he kept up his standard lifestyle for months and months after his last real job. Expensive apartment, dinner out every night, lots of partying. Jackie tried not to totally scold him, but she did make a point of explaining how carefully she and Tony had timed selling their old place and buying back in the city. How they budgeted and added to their retirement savings even when the market was going downward.
Finally he’d at least moved into a shared flat, shifted to take out burritos instead of three course meals, but still. Every time they talked, his litany of complaints had gotten longer and more vitriolic. At one point he had gone so far as to express enthusiasm for the Tea Party movement. Like he’d somehow gone from Bay Area genius techie to a downtrodden redneck, an oppressed, left behind white guy. Ridiculous, she had said as much, hoping this new fascination would be short lived.
She believed – she had to believe, to keep her sanity – that the current economy was more a bad blip than a new normal. She didn’t want times to revert backwards exactly, but there would hopefully soon be boom times again. Her job would get more lucrative, or she could move up, be the boss again. JJ could emerge from this funk he’d been in since well before Mom’s illness.
By the time they had shared the news about Mom, he really didn’t get it, didn’t get the seriousness. She and Joy had to drag him back – she’d put his ticket on her points, Joy had picked him up and driven him to the house. He hadn’t wanted to go because he had some lead on a temp contract job that much as he may have needed some bucks could hardly compare with a last goodbye to your mom.
It hadn’t gone well. Mom was either barely conscious or bitterly angry by that time. JJ – whose communication skills with either parent could be wanting in the best of circumstances – had reverted into his full on teenager sullen mode. Apparently, he had barely talked to Mom at all, nor her doctors nor any of the friends and neighbors from her retirement community.
Then back home, when Jackie tried to have a simple conversation with him, coax out how upsetting it was to see Mom like that, he had lashed out in fury at her. Accused her of lying and resenting his success and conniving with Joy to make off with Mom’s assets when she died. It had taken every measure of self control to keep the ensuing argument from spiraling into a shouting match. She had to remind herself, she still did, even this morning, that he was a super sensitive person under all that bluff.
He had eventually started to come around, after her careful and humble apologies, after convincing him that she and Joy really hadn’t known about it much longer, after showing him the legal documents and explaining that with Mom’s years in the retirement place and medical bills there really was
no estate to be pillaged. His attitude was not great these days, but at least he would pick up the phone when she called. Jackie figured he would stay kind of mad at Mom, as she couldn’t help being herself. Plus he was just mad at the world. The financial meltdown, things like the terrible earthquake in Haiti, that awful tsunami – it was as if JJ thought these things were out to make him personally miserable, no matter how far away.
“You’re worrying too much.” Tony’s voice brought her out of her reverie. “Worst case, we just go ourselves, make it nice. He’s had every chance to be part of it. Joy too.”
Jackie nodded. Reached for more strawberries and tried to focus on the task at hand. Joy, not surprisingly, refused to fly out to take part in the scattering. She had gotten all the closure she needed from her trips east, she said. And though Jackie thought it might be a nice break from late winter in Chicago, she could understand. JJ, she told herself, would be there if she had to drag him by his arm like when he was a kid.
They took all the dogs for a nice walk in Alta Plaza, where they could romp with their doggie friends. Make up for leaving them behind later – they loved the beach, but having them launching in and out of the water didn’t seem like quite the right tone.
Off leash, Frankie and Delta raced to join a tail wagging, butt sniffing group of similar sized pals. “You go to, sweetie,” she urged Frannie, who stayed put at her feet, her face raised mournfully. Lately the poor girl hesitated to let them out of her sight, as if already aware of the painful hole she would leave in the household when she left this world.
Tony gently shepherded her towards the other dogs. Frannie’s days of dashing after toys were over, but she did at least like to socialize. “She’s slowing down,” Jackie said to a familiar women kneeling nearby, unclasping her Shih Tzu.
“My old dog got like that,” she answered. “A little clingy. It’s sweet though.”
Jackie nodded, watching her beloved girl. She didn’t like it when other people called the dogs substitute children, but there was some truth to it. They had gotten Frannie as a pup, back when they were still trying. After the second miscarriage, the really fast one. Something for Jackie to focus on besides her stupid body.
The dogs, her job, a long period of house hunting and overseeing the sale of the old place, moving, decorating. Lots of distractions. They’d moved back to the city when it was pretty clear they were not having kids. It was kind of a compromise, if you could call it that – the savings from what they might have spent on infertility treatments, which she decided against, went instead towards the new investment. The schools, the quiet streets, the main reasons for staying in the burbs just melted away, both of them agreed.
Now with Mom gone, with Dad so well settled, Tony’s father gone and his mother also remarried, why not devote themselves to the dogs? She still missed Maxie, their first, who had been gone for a couple years now. Why not get another, or a pair? Jackie stepped lightly down the hill toward Tony and the dogs, Frankie’s favorite toy in hand. However heavy she found the rest of the day, there was joy and lightness here.
She needn’t have worried so much, Tony was right. JJ only made them wait a few minutes before hopping obediently into the car, his former anger at her apparently behind him. He was even dressed appropriately, not at all scruffy and with an attractive jacket to keep him warm at the coast.
“Where’s, um, Mom?” JJ asked warily, eyes darting around the back seat.
“In the trunk. She arrived in a neat little box.” Jackie caught her brother’s eye over the seat as she turned back towards him.
His eyes widened. Hearing how her words sounded, she giggled, and in a second they were both cracking up like wild naughty children. Good thing Tony was driving. He grinned, but kept his eye on the road.
Oh, how I had needed to laugh, Jackie thought. She wiped a tear from her eye and resolutely faced forward, JJ’s muffled chortles from the back seat threatening to set her off again.
Tony made a sharp turn and drove up a small rutted road that curved along gentle hills beside the ocean. She had researched – they could find a bit of solitude in this little place just south of city limits, plus there would be no legal entities to object to the disbursal of the cremains. They pulled into a little lot with a few scattered cars. One guy sat in his car with the radio on, and a couple were taking off with their dogs. Otherwise, it was theirs alone.
Jackie opened the trunk and handed bunches of flowers to Tony and JJ. She slid her fingers under the twine around the small box and loosened it. “Let’s go down there, toward that bluff.” Carrying the box, she led the way down a wide path along the grassy hillside. A mild breeze blew in, and closer to the water, they could hear the pounding of waves and cries from gulls circling rock outcroppings.
JJ loped along beside her, flowers held out like an offering. She tried to read his expression, but couldn’t. As was so often the case now as he got older, his face appeared simply hard and vacant. Like he had gotten tired of feeling so much and just put on a mask that looked like JJ but didn’t emote.
They reached the edge of the low bluff. Waves ebbed and receded below. The whole of the Pacific edged toward the horizon before them and gentle green hills rose behind. It was lovely, just lovely. Mom surely would have liked this place.
“Well, here we are. Come to say a last goodbye to Mom.” Jackie had thought of a bunch of stuff to say, but now in the moment, none of it seemed to matter.
Tony pulled her close for a moment, watched to see if she was done talking, then leaned in to help her with the box. JJ muttered something under his breath and clamped his lips shut. They got the box opened, and all three of them grasped it, leaning out awkwardly over the ledge and away from the wind. Traces of ash fell, then large clumps, odd brittle bits that must have been bone.
Jackie reached for the flowers and tossed some of those too. Tony finished shaking out the box, and she and JJ threw the rest of the flowers one by one. The floated on the water’s surface, tiny from the distance, and already bobbing away. She stood still for a moment, aware of the poignant picture she made, a delicate tear on her cheek, breeze lifting her airy skirt around her.
A flock of pelicans flew by, low to the water. Down on the nearby beach, someone’s dog leapt into the water after a stick. Jackie realized she actually felt the sort of peaceful release that she was meant to experience. That she said this day was all about even though she doubted she would feel that way. But she did. She was alive and well on this lovely day. Mom was gone, but her children remained. Who knows, JJ could still keep the family going into a new generation.
Jackie glanced over at her brother, hoping he shared her unexpected sense of peace. But he turned away, eyes and narrowed lips bitter, and trudged back up the hill with sloping shoulders and the look of someone more hopeless than ever.