I don’t know what to do with her. I mean, I don’t know what boys do with girls. The comforting thingy. I don’t know how to do that and I seriously do need to do that.
Yeah, for one thing, I don’t see her as a girl, but what the hell, she’s being a girl right now.
She’s breaking apart.
She’s crying, and trembling, and all of her strings are unlatching themselves and they’re hanging loosely around her and I can’t stop thinking, shit, I want to be blind for a minute or two.
I don’t want to see her like this.
I don’t want to see her hurting like this.
When the car stopped in front of our house, she went out by herself at once. I hurried out to catch her but I seriously don’t know what to say or do. So I said, “Yes, it is my fault I left you out there. And I am sorry. I mean that.”
She still walked and walked and walked like I’m not talking to her. I ran after her and caught her waist. I pulled her close to me.
She’s still trembling.
“Don’t…” she begun saying. “Please, don’t.”
“Janella, listen to me.” I whispered in her ear. “It’s me. It’s Guji,”
“I have a b-boyfriend,” she tried to push my arm away but I didn’t let go. “Don’t touch me. DON’T TOUCH ME. Guji… Guji, please help me!”
I held my breath. I never thought she was that helpless back there. I never thought that she was calling my name. I never thought she could be so weak.
I buried my face on her hair as I draped my other arm over her.
“I’m Guji Tarence Kim, SB. I am BrainDead and I’m here for you.” Closer. I want her closer. “You’re safe with me. That won’t happen again because I won’t leave you alone.”
I won’t.
It’s past 2 am and she’s still not sleeping.
After two attempts of preparing milk for her, (two attempts because I put in salt instead of sugar which made Hana laughed her best. I nearly had her fired for that.) I walked into her room and sat on the other side of her bed. I put the glass of milk on her bedside table.
I lied next to her.
“BD. For once, leave me alone.” I heard her say in deep groggy voice.
“It’s not for you to say.”
“I said, leave me alone.”
“I mean, like seriously,” I rolled to my side and propped my head up with my hand. “Stop being so bossy around my territory. I could get your ass off of my place.”
I saw her face cringed slightly. Then she started to cry.
OH PLEASE. “Man, I was just joking!” I scooted closer and wrapped my arms around her. “Shh… don’t cry now. I’m right here.”
Then she cried even harder, making so much noise I nearly break her neck for that. But I let her be. I let her cry on my chest and shatter herself on my arms.
“Look, the whole world might hurt you, but at least one person won’t.” I whispered as I ran my hand through her messy hair. “I won’t.”
Several minutes passed and I know she’s past asleep. I laughed to myself thinking, hey man, you’re being gay. It’s not like me to actually do these kinds of things to a girl. I’m allergic to girls. I actually had Fred bring alcohol every day so when a girl touches my skin, I’d wash it off. I could be sensitive to such. I mean, my friends do understand. Yvan do understand. They do understand what I’m trying to avoid all my life.
Attachment.
I’m allergic to attaching myself to a girl.
My mom had caused it so. I was attached to her, too attached, that when she went away I was paralyzed. I don’t know what to do back then. I was angry, sad, lost, and some other emotions that got mixed together. I was broken. Too broken to forgive my Dad who got his sanity back at last. Too broken to accept his apologies. Too broken to actually see that he was trying to be a Dad to me and not a dumbass anymore.
Attachments do crash every single thing called good to me.
And this stupid being curled into my chest had me attached once again.
She’s what I was trying to avoid, but I was the one who even welcomed her into my life. Not a good decision, I know.
“…Ero…” I heard her muttered as she hugged me closer.