I walked and walked and walked, never coming out of the woods. I didn’t venture too far from the creek. I felt like it was my friend against the wilderness, not like the four inches of water would do much to save me, but maybe. I heard some pretty scary noises and I swore the creepy owl was following me. Stopping the third time to rinse the bandage, I decided to rest. I don’t think I rested. I think I passed out from either the pain in my leg or the loss of blood.
Snuggling up to a tree with its root sufficing as my pillow, I curled myself into a tiny ball, trying to find warmth. I smiled, feeling warm. I was so warm, laying in a bed, my bed from when I was a child. I was little again. Everything was all better. It was all different now. I was okay. I smiled, feeling the peace permeate my entire existence. I was safe. I was home. Even the wind chimes were peaceful, playing a pleasant tune.
Goodbye, Mom and Dad. I’m sorry I wasn’t as good as Gia.
Goodbye, Gia. I’ll always love you.
Goodbye, Mr. Nichols. I’m sorry for my part in ruining your life.
Goodbye, AJ. I’m sorry for hurting you. Thank you for taking care of my baby.
Goodbye, Colton. I could have loved you, too. We could have been great together. I’m sorry, Colton.
Goodbye, Lila. Thank you for being my friend.
Goodbye, Kyle. You’ll always be the one. I love you. I’ve always loved you.
Goodbye, baby girl. I love you more than my own life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the mommy you needed me to be. Sweet dreams, pretty princess.
My mouth felt dry, unbelievably dry. Trying to swallow, sucking for saliva to wet my throat, I failed. There was none. My mouth felt like it did after Gianna and I would smoke weed in high school. Cotton mouth was the perfect description. I tried to open my eyes. They wouldn’t budge, something was making them heavy. This wasn’t how I’d thought it was going to be. There was no bright light for me to follow.
Dying sucked. I was all alone, and it was dark, really dark. No shadows or reflections. At least I wasn’t close to hell. It was too cold for that. I gave up trying to lift my head and let it fall, no sense in fighting it.
“McKenzie? Can you hear me? McKenzie?”
What? Who was that? Where were they? A man’s voice. Hmmm. Maybe my mom sent my Grandpa Jim to take me to god. I never met him, well I did, I just don’t remember him. I was two when he died.
“McKenzie? Can you hear me? Open your eyes, McKenzie.”
There’s the light. Wow. It was a bright light. The light was so bright it hurt my eyes. I doubted the need for the blinding light. No need to put an exclamation mark behind it.
“That’s good. Open your eyes.”
Wait. Who the hell was that? I didn’t know this guy. Or her. Or her. What the hell?
“Can you tell me your name?”
“Can you tell me yours?” I countered.
“I’m Dr. Longhand,” the man said. I looked at his hand. It didn’t look long to me.
“What is the last thing you remember, McKenzie?”
I tried to sit up. What was the last thing I remembered? Whoa. My head spun in circles, forcing it back to the pillow. “Can I have a drink?” I asked, realizing first that I wasn’t dead, and second, I was in a hospital. The nurse placed the straw to my lips and I sucked, and sucked, and sucked until she took it. It was so refreshing.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re fine. Dehydrated, but fine. We had to do surgery on your leg, just to get it cleaned out in order to stitch it up. Do you think you can talk to the police? They would like to ask you a few questions.”
“Where’s Gianna?”
“Gianna’s fine. We need you to tell us what happened. How did you two get out there alone?”
“I want to talk to Gianna,” I protested. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want Mr. Nichols to go back to prison. He had already suffered enough because of us. Closing my eyes, I feigned exhaustion and clammed up. I needed time to think.
“Okay, let’s let her rest,” Dr. Longhand said and left my room. The nurse shot something into my I.V. and I drifted off. Dark peace. Why couldn’t I stay here? I wanted to stay right here forever and ever.
My mind went to happy places while I slept. Gia and I were little girls. We were on our tire swings in the corner of her yard. The sound of laughter was refreshing. I’m sure I was smiling in my comatose state.
That’s where my mind was when my name was being called over and over again. It was that light again. Why did it have to be so bright? Once I was coherent enough to know what was going on. I wanted to go back. I wanted more of the narcotics shot in my IV, running through my veins. I wanted to stay there.
I still refused to talk. I wasn’t saying one word until I got to talk to Gia. I had to know what she said. I had to know our story. Once I knew it, I’d be fine. I was an expert at telling lies, keeping secrets, and being deceitful. I was a pro with years of practice. I just needed Gia first.
“Your parents are on their way. Let’s wait for them, and then we’ll let you see Gia. Can you speak to the police now? Answer a couple questions?”
Was this guy deaf or what? “Let me talk to Gia,” I countered for the tenth time. My lips were sealed until I talked to Gianna and they would stayed sealed if I never saw her again. One thing about it, Gianna and I, we could keep a secret. It might hurt a little, but we could keep a secret.
I wanted Gia.
I waited until I was alone again before I snuck out, peering my head out first. I didn’t know where to look. Where would she be? I dragged my wrapped leg behind me, feeling off again. My head hurt, right on the left temple. I should talk to someone about my meds. I was hearing the voices. And the wind chimes. Would I ever know that secret? I guess one out of all this mess was okay left in the past. Maybe it wasn’t even significant. Maybe it was just my craziness coming out.
Tightening my gown around me, I studied the map by the elevator. I wasn’t on a crazy ward. That made me smile. I was on a regular patient care floor. The psych ward was on the seventh floor. I was on the fifth. Oh the small things in life that make you happy, at least for people like me, anyway. Nobody here knew I was crazy. I was normal. I was just like everyone else.
“Can I help you find something?” A nurse asked. She looked like she was just coming to work, carrying a cooler type lunch box.
“I was looking for my friend. Gianna Edwards, a nurse took me in a wheelchair last time. I don’t remember where she was,” I lied like it was nothing. It wasn’t. Like I said. I was an expert.
“Oh yeah. She came in last night. I’m on that floor. I’ll take you there. It’s okay, right? You’re doctor knows you’re up and about?”
“Oh yeah, I just had minor surgery. I’m getting out this afternoon.” That might have been a bad lie. I didn’t know what day it was, let alone the time of day. It worked. She nodded, letting me walk in front of her. The elevator made me feel a little nauseous. Or maybe it was the thought of what I would say to Gia.
That was so real. I had never had a dream so vivid in my life. It was disturbing as hell. I needed to call Lila. I needed back on my meds. Maybe I should tell someone. Maybe I should tell the doctor here that I wasn’t right. She was right there, happy and healthy. She was so cute. She looked exactly how I pictured her to look had she lived. Cara was a mini Gia. I couldn’t help but smile. She was beautiful.
“McKenzie? Can you hear me, baby?”
Uh-What? Who’s there? I couldn’t wake up. Why couldn’t I open my eyes? Mom? Mom? Is that you? I was screaming. Crying for her, but she couldn’t hear me. Mom. This wasn’t real. The wind chimes. They’re not real. I’m here, Mom. Why won’t you listen to me? I’m here, Mom. I’m right here. See me, Mom. Please. Why won’t you look at me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a bad kid. Mom.
“McKenzie, baby, wake up.”
“Mom?”
“I’m right here, sweetie,” she said, holding me tight. She felt so real, nostalgia, I didn’t even k
now was possible for me. It was. I felt it. Wait.
I pushed away from her. This wasn’t real. Cara wasn’t real. I was hallucinating again.
“It’s okay, Mack. I’m right here, baby,” my mother coaxed, holding her chest. The tear was real. I watched it slide down her face. She quickly swiped it away. No, it wasn’t real. None of this was real.
“Give her a minute to acquaint herself with her surroundings,” I heard the unfamiliar voice. No, not unfamiliar. It was that doctor with the long hand.
I tilted my head and looked past my mother. Dad? My eyes blinked, rapidly, needing to blink it away. I crawled backward, bringing my knees to my chest. Wake up, Mack. Wake up. I wanted it to end. My chest hurt, wanting everything this nightmare was exposing. My little Cara, my mom, my dad, Kyle, and even Gia. My heart ached, wanting all of them. I needed them. Closing my eyes, I tried to see her again. Her little dark curls were just like Gia’s at the bottom. They curled in cute little ringlets. Gia hated them. She was always straightening them. I would have given anything for her hair.
“You’re okay, McKenzie. I just want to examine you. You took a pretty nasty fall,” Dr. Longhand softly spoke. I opened my eyes. Still there. My dad looked like he’d aged since I saw him last. When was that? I closed my eyes, squeezing as hard as I could. Damn. Still there.
I worked hard to talk myself sane. Come on, Mack. Get your shit together. Okay. Think. The last thing I remember. Think, Mack. Think. I was talking to Gia, yeah. I was talking to Gia. She was explaining to me what happened with Mr. Nichols. What was it? She was telling me how we got here. What did she say? Damnit, Mack. Think. Think. I coaxed my brain, trying to keep from going crazy. It was there. Right there and I was fighting it with everything in me.
I had the strongest urge to get up, sit in the middle of the floor, and rock back and forth with my arms around my legs. Yeah. That’s what I’d do. That was easier. NO! What do you remember, Mack. What the fuck? Who said that? Come back, Mack. You’re okay, you’re fine. Just relax and think. Breathe. I looked past the bright light being shined in my eyes and thought about the conversation.
“But how did we get here? The cops want to talk to us. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore, Gia.” I remembered that. That really happened. Gia was alone in her room. A room just like mine.
“I don’t remember either, Mack. It’s over. You can move on.”
“Where is he? What did you tell the cops?”
“I haven’t talked to them yet. I wanted to talk to you first. We have to keep our stories straight.”
Feeling the déjà vu, I stared at Gia. Her eyes were sunken in. Her lips looked dry and cracked, and she was skinny. Too skinny. “Yeah, Gia, we’re experts at that. What’s the story?” I asked, feeling just a tad bit of animosity. This is what got me in this mess in the first place, but in Gia’s defense, I don’t know how I would have reacted, knowing she was sleeping with my dad. I swallowed my pride and listened to our story—again.
“Mr. Nichols snuck in here last night. He called 911 for us, Mack. He let us go.”
“No. He forgot to lock my door because he was too busy making love to you. I left. He never let me go,” I argued. I felt good about that. That was the truth. Real life, and I knew it. I knew how it happened. I did it all by myself. Just like I’d done everything all by myself.
“But he was going to let you go. He was going to let us both go. I swear, Mack. I was coming to find you. You were gone. There was blood everywhere and we knew you were hurt. I had to find you, but I couldn’t make it. I haven’t had a drink in five days, Mack,” Gia proudly alleged. I sort of smiled at her. She was mighty fulfilled with that baby step.
“How did he get us here? I never saw a car at all. I don’t remember any of that. I remember, burying—” I stopped. She didn’t need to know that I’d said goodbye to Cara and she was resting beneath the soil by the stream.
I remember standing there, doing just what I was doing now, trying to stay focused, differentiate fact from fiction. I didn’t remember anything she was saying.
“He found you, Mack. He found you and carried you back to my car and drove us away from there. Far enough away from the asylum.”
“Why was your car there?”
Gia laughed. “The bastard kidnapped me in my own car. He’s been driving it to some little market for weeks. Bastard could have at least bought us something besides bologna or peanut butter.”
“We used to love peanut butter,” I reminded her with half a smile.
“Peanut butter and plain potato chip sandwich.”
“Or peanut butter and graham cracker sandwich.”
“I’m sorry, Mack,” Gia sincerely apologized, smiling weakly.
“Me, too, Gia. Me, too. Where is Mr. Nichols? What are we supposed to say?”
“Nothing. Not one word. We don’t remember.”
“And you think that’s going to work? They’re going to question him. We’ve been missing for weeks.”
“Who said we were missing? Nobody reported me missing. Did they you?”
That made me sad. I disappeared for almost a month, and nobody missed me. “They’re going to go right to him, Gia. We need a better story. Where have we been for weeks? We look like we’ve been to hell and back.”
“We have. Look, don’t read more into it than it needs to be, Mack. I called you up for help. You’re my friend. You wanted to help me. You didn’t want me to kill myself drinking. We set out with a tent, away from civilization and alcohol. The GPS stopped working when we got off main roads. I was trying to detox. No biggie. It’s none of their business. We don’t have to answer anything. We’re just two friends who took on more than they could chew. The alcohol you brought kept me going until the last week when you ran out. You got hurt, trying to get me help. Simple. In one paragraph,” Gia explained. She’d thought this through.
“Damn, girl. That’s good. Even coming from you,” I teased. She was right. Nobody reported us missing. We were in Charlotte, North Carolina. These people didn’t know we were the two girls raped by their teacher almost nine years ago. It was just a simple trip between two friends. I felt a little silly, freaking out about it. Hoping I hadn’t made us look suspicious, I tried to hear what Gia was saying.
“Oh my god! It wasn’t a dream. She’s here. She’s alive,” I finally remembered. Cara was there. Only she wasn’t Cara. What was it Gia called her? What was her name? “Mom? Oh my god, Mom,” I said, walking to her. “Dad. You’re here,” I affirmed. They both embraced me. It was them. They were really there. I tried to relish them, promising to never take them for granted again, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my little girl. Gia knew. She ran right up to Gia. Kyle had her. Kyle had my baby this whole time.
“McKenzie. What happened to you?”
“I was trying to help Gia. She’s sick.”
“When? How? I didn’t think you talked to her anymore.”
“I don’t much. Mom. I may need some help.”
“Of course. Are you on drugs, sweetie?”
I laughed and then I cried. My emotions were all over the place. My hysterical laughter turned in to sobs. It was unfathomable. She was alive and I loved her so much. I knew from their prospective I had to look like I was losing it. I was and I wasn’t. My brain was only trying to keep up. My baby was alive. I saw her. I saw Kyle. Why? Why didn’t Gia tell me?
I must have passed out when I saw them walk into Gianna’s room. Kyle. He was right there. He had our baby girl. It was real. I knew it was.
“No! I’m fine,” I screamed, realizing what was going on. I didn’t feel crazy. This wasn’t about crazy. “No, I need to be awake,” I fought. I fought hard, kicking and screaming for my life. With everything in me, I fought. I felt the sting in my hip, my limbs go limp, and my body being maneuvered back to my bed. The last thing I saw was my parents, embracing each other. My mom stared at me with hurt and confusion while tears streaked her eyes. Black tears of mascara ran down
her face. I’m sorry, Mom.
My throat hurt when I woke from my medically induced coma. It was dark and the only lights were coming from the parking lot below and the dimmed one above my head. “Can I have a drink?” I asked the nurse. She checked my vitals while I sipped the water.
“How are you feeling, better?”
“Yes, thank you,” I raspingly replied, clearing my throat. She left me and I turned my head, staring out at the dark night. Where did I go from here? What did I do now? I’d seen movies where mothers got their kids back after abandoning them. I wouldn’t take her from Kyle, but I wanted her, too. Melanie might be a problem. The anger that instantly surged my blood, thinking about my baby calling her mommy, was overwhelming. I wouldn’t allow that. I didn’t care that she may be the only mother she’s ever known. She was mine. Not Melanie’s.
“She reminds me a lot of you.”
“Kyle?” I asked, sitting up. Three in the morning was the first thing I noticed when I looked at his silhouette. Fluorescent lights, reflected behind him, creating a halo effect.
“How you doing?”
“Humph, I have no idea. You went for her. How did you know?”
“Gia called me.”
I sat up, frowning and straightening my posture. “Gia?” Oh my god. If she knew about my baby and let me go all these years without telling me she was okay, I was going to be pissed all over again. That was just cruel.
“AJ Fleming called her.”
“Why?” I didn’t get it. AJ called Gia?
“She was sick. She needed a blood transfusion. AJ wasn’t a match. He wasn’t a match to even be her father. He called Gia, desperate to find you. Gia went. She saved her. Her little body rejected everything they tried, everything but Gia’s blood.”