“Gia did that?”
“Yes, but, I’d like for her to talk to you about that. It’s not really my story to tell.”
“She’s okay?”
“She’s doing magnificent. Doesn’t even need the other surgery they were anticipating when she’s four. She’s great, Mack.”
“What’s her name, Kyle?”
“Abigail Kinley Edwards.”
“Did you name her?”
“Nah, you did. Remember when you and Gia were six and you had that dumb birthday party with the dolls? You named your baby Abigail.”
“We were seven. It took me a week to name her. Gia named hers Trixie after a puppy we played with at the park,” I smiled, remembering. “I named her Abigail because it meant—”
“A father’s joy.”
“You remember that?”
“Yes. I remember,” he softly spoke, picking my hand up and placing it in his.
I couldn’t help it. The tears slid down my face. Both cheeks were flooded with years of longing for something that was there all along. Kyle sat on the side of my bed and embraced me. God he felt good. Homey. That’s how he felt. Like a comfort I’d never ever find again.
“I’m sorry. I just. I thought she was...”
“Shhh, she’s not. She’s happy and healthy and so smart. She’s just like you, McKenzie. She is so stinking smart. Too smart sometimes,” he chuckled. I snorted, too.
“Do you have pictures?”
“Are you kidding? She’s a little ham. She’s always posing. Look at this. This was this morning. She lifts her foot in the air and says, ‘Take my picture, Daddy.’ That’s her new thing. I have pictures of teddy bears, blocks, books, and a gazillion of her. She’s a performer.”
“I don’t want her to be a performer,” I admitted. I didn’t want her to compete in anything. I snorted again, seeing the picture of Abigail, laying on the floor on her belly with her arms straight out, forming fish lips with her mouth.
“She was swimming,” Kyle explained, tucking my hair behind my ear. I felt him watching as I took my time, soaking in every picture on his phone. She was the prettiest little thing I’d ever seen.
“We make pretty kids.”
“Why didn’t you come to me, Mack?”
“Things were complicated, Kyle. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to come between you and Melanie any more than I already had.”
“I would have been there.”
“That’s what I was afraid of,” I admitted, smiling at the little honeybee Halloween costume.
“Is she with Melanie now?” I asked, handing his phone back.
Kyle removed his wallet and handed me a wallet sized photo. Abigail was holding an American flag, dressed in a red, white, and blue sundress. She was smiling a very toothy grin.
“That’s the best we could get. That’s her fake smile when you tell her to smile. Look familiar?” he teased. My mother had the same photos of me. I could never just naturally smile. I was fine as long as I wasn’t told to smile, but as soon as I was told to smile, it turned to plastic.
“Thanks, Kyle,” I said, holding the photo that I already cherished. She was so cute. I could look at her for hours.
“You’re welcome, Mack.”
He knew I was thanking him for going after her not the photo. “Is Melanie good to her? I mean, I can imagine how hard this is for her.”
“Mel is fine with it. She left us two years ago.”
“She did?”
“She tried. She really did. I have to give her credit. She just couldn’t love her the way I wanted her to. The way I needed her to.”
Wow. Kyle and Melanie got a divorce. I caused that, too. Gia must really hate me.
“Gia?”
“Gia is great with her. She doesn’t see her as much as I’d like for her to, but when she does, she’s awesome with her. Look at her. Who couldn’t fall in love with her?”
“True. She’s contagious. I want to see her, Kyle. I need to see her. I need her in my life.”
“Okay, Mack. We’ll work on it. Let’s make sure you’re okay first. Baby steps.”
“When can I see her?”
“You have to tell your parents first, McKenzie. They have a right to know.”
“You have death wish?” I asked, knowing he was right. I had to tell my parents that they were grandparents and Kyle Edwards was the father. I wondered if I could pay Mr. Nichols to take me back. How was I supposed to do that? Tell my mom? Dr. Longhand…. I need another shot. One that last for a few years.
“You tell your parents in the morning, and if you’re not dead by afternoon, I’ll bring her in.”
“I’m being released in the morning.” How did I know that? I didn’t remember anyone telling me. Oh. It was after they thought I was losing my mind. I was fading when I heard the Dr. with the long hand tell my mother to let me rest a few hours. If everything checked out in the morning, he’d release me to my parents. “Kyle where do you live?” I didn’t know where to go from here. I couldn’t go to New York. Not if Abigail wasn’t there.
“Pittsburg, but don’t worry about that. We’ll work something out. We’re only about two hours from your parents.”
Two hours. That was too far. I wanted to be closer. Pittsburg was a big city. I’d get a job with a local newspaper or something. I wasn’t living two hours away from her. Breathing in long, deep breaths, I tried to calm myself. I had to stay grounded. It wasn’t a choice anymore. It was a necessity.
“I can’t leave here without seeing her. I need to see her, Kyle. Where is she?”
“She’s sleeping in the waiting room.”
“She is? Oh my god, Kyle. Are you married again? Is she with her?”
Kyle snickered and took my hand. I pulled it away. I couldn’t take that. Not now. No way. I would crack. “She’s with the nurse.”
“You left our daughter with a total stranger?” Even I wasn’t that dumb.
“She’s really not a stranger. She’s been talking their ears off for hours. They’ve been great with her. I told you everyone loves her. They have even been taking turns helping her go to the bathroom. One of the nurses was reading to her when she conked out. She insisted that I go get coffee and walk around.”
“And you came to see me? Kyle?”
“Yeah?”
“You could have gotten in touch with me, too. You could have told me she was okay.”
“I was furious with you. You had our baby without telling me, and then you left her. I didn’t think you deserved her.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know.”
“There’s a lot that I do know. Let’s not worry about that right now. Let’s get you and Gia better before we throw fuel on the fire.”
I studied his face. He looked away with a knowing look. “When did you know?”
“The second month of the trial,” Kyle admitted.
My eyebrows rose. “Why didn’t you stop us?”
“It was too late. A wildfire burning out of control. I loved you, and I loved Gia. I couldn’t.”
“How did you know?”
“You had just gotten off the stand. You were crying, shaking all over. You stormed out of the courtroom and ran into the bathroom. I followed you. You clung to me like your life depended on it. You remember that, Mack? You cried over and over that you didn’t mean it. You didn’t mean for it to get this far. Your mom knocked on the door and you told her to leave you alone. I held you in my arms and slid down the wall, trying to hold you together. I would have done anything for you, Mack. I just didn’t know how.”
Wow. There were so many dark secrets. Secrets that everyone had a reason to keep.
“You did enough. You went after our baby. I could never thank you enough for that.”
“You don’t have to thank me for her. I love her so much, McKenzie.”
“That makes me extremely happy.”
“Just one question, though.”
“Hmm?”
“Did you really think AJ wa
sn’t going to figure out that she was as white as you?”
I smiled on that one. “I thought I had three more months to break it to him.”
He nodded but didn’t say anything.
“Kyle?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what this is all for, what’s the purpose, where do I even fit, where does any of us fit? I don’t know—”
“McKenzie. Stop. Don’t think, just rest and get better. We’ll talk in a few hours. Don’t do this to yourself. You don’t have to decide anything right this second. Try to get some sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
I tried to rest. I couldn’t. That’s the one thing I couldn’t get people to understand, I never could. I didn’t think. I felt. I was feeling too much that I was trying to keep a hold on and I couldn’t stop staring at the photo. I loved her so much and the guilt that incased my entire being was overwhelming. I left her. I left her alone in that hospital.
“I can give you something to sleep if you want,” a nurse offered.
“Huh? Oh, no thank you. I’m okay.”
“You haven’t eaten much. Would you like a snack?”
“What am I on?”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean meds. What are you giving me?”
“Do you feel like you need something?”
“No. No. That’s why I’m asking. I feel clearer than I have in weeks.”
The nurse smiled and patted my hand after checking my pulse. “You’re on the same meds your doctor had you on in New York. She talked to Dr. Longhand. You’re okay now.”
Lila? I wanted to talk to Lila. “Did anyone find my cell phone?” I asked, hopeful.
“Hmm, let’s see,” the nurse opened my closet, retrieving my dead phone. Mr. Nichols must have made sure I had it. “I have a charger at the nurses’ station. I’ll bring it to you.”
Powering on my phone, the nurse left me alone. I checked the messages that I didn’t have. There was only two from my mother and two back to her from Mr. Nichols.
“Thank you for calling the Reason Clinic. Our regular office hours—”
Click
It was late. I shouldn’t call her at home, but she always told me that I could. I could just let it ring twice and hang up. Sitting up straighter, I strolled through my contacts. My contacts of New York. My career that anyone would be proud of, except me.
“McKenzie! I have been worried sick about you.”
“Hey, Lila.”
“Are you okay? You’re back on your meds, right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. A lot’s happened, Lila. I don’t know how to process it.”
“I’ll help you, but what is it that you are trying to process?”
Blowing out a puff of air, I grimaced when I moved my sore leg. “My little girl’s not dead. Kyle has had her all this time.”
“McKenzie. That’s wonderful. Did you see her?”
“Not yet, but he said I could. I have a picture. You should see her, Lila, she’s so cute, and healthy. Kyle says she didn’t even have to have any more surgeries.” I talked and talked and talked and talked. Lila listened with a, hmmm, or uh-huh, but didn’t interrupt. I spilled it all, knowing I’d never do it again. Nobody else would know where and what I had been through for the last few weeks. Lila would take it to her grave.
“What are you afraid of, McKenzie?” she asked after I’d disclosed everything I’d ever hid from her. Every lie I told from the time I could remember was revealed. Even the one time Gia and I stole sexy panties when we were eleven because our mothers said no. I felt lighter, like maybe there was hope.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid of where to go next.”
“And Gia? Will you see Gia?”
“I don’t know how I feel about Gia anymore. Gia’s not who I thought she was. I’m grateful that she came to the hospital and saved my baby. I’m grateful that she called Kyle, but I don’t know if I want her in my life. I just have a really hard time with the fact that this was all for revenge. I sent an innocent man to prison for her. I lied for her. I did horrific things for her.”
“But you also took her dad from her. You have to think about that. Think about how that must have felt for her.”
“I’m trying, and I do think about that, but she set out for revenge. She wanted to ruin me. I can understand now why she wanted to get back at Mr. Nichols, but not me. We were Gia and Mack. I loved her, Lila. I never intended to hurt her. I was sick. I was a sick little girl with adult feelings that I didn’t understand. I didn’t fall in love with her dad on purpose. He didn’t fall in love with me on purpose. If Gia loved me as much as she claimed, she wouldn’t have turned the other cheek when I needed her most.”
“You feel like Gia abandoned you.”
“Yeah, exactly. She did. She knew, Lila. She didn’t want to accept the fact that I wasn’t like her. Kyle was the only one who was ever there for me. I had to hide it from everyone else.”
“I want you to tell your mother that.”
“My mother?” Sometimes I thought Lila was more bipolar than me. She at least had some ADD going on.
“Yes. Talk to your mother and tell her how she made you feel less of a person because of your illness. You should never hide it from the people who care about you. Promise me not to do that, McKenzie.”
She was right. My mother made me feel like a piece of shit because I wasn’t like Gia, I didn’t want to be like Gia. I’d rather be sick.
“Thank you, Lila.”
“You’re welcome. Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow. I expect to hear from you after you meet her.”
“You will. Thank you.”
“Goodnight, McKenzie.”
“Night.”
I stared out the window, contemplating nothing but Abigail. I missed so much because I was afraid to know the truth. It was early, barely daylight, and a light drizzle coated the parking lot. I watched as employees came and went. That was about it. The parking lot was fairly empty, for now, anyway. A squad entered the restricted area, but I supposed it wasn’t an emergency. The lights were on, but no sirens and it wasn’t speeding.
“You’re awake?”
I turned to the sound of my mother’s voice. Here goes nothing. “Yeah, I guess I don’t really sleep much.”
“Never?”
Okay, maybe this wasn’t going to be as easy as I’d hoped. Trying to hide the sarcasm, I replied, “Nope. Not since I was a little girl, Mom.”
“Sarcasm noted.” She smiled. And fail. That wasn’t hidden at all.
“Where’s Dad?”
“He had some calls to make. He’s back at the hotel. We’re going to Texas. I think you should come with us. The warm weather will do you some good.”
“Do me some good?”
“McKenzie. I’m trying here.”
“Trying what?”
“I’m trying to be here for you. Please let me.”
“You’re a little late. I’ve learned to do this on my own. You’ve never tried to be there for me. Why now?”
“How can you say that? Wasn’t I there every day for you during the trial? I got you help for, for…”
“It’s called Bipolar Disorder, Mom. You dropped me off to a psychiatrist for an hour once a week. Do you even know what is wrong with me? There’s a broad spectrum of Bipolar Disorder. Manifestations of mild depression to psychosis. I’m the lucky one. I’ve never had the depression part of it. I got the insight, the drive, the energy.
“I’m a walking fucking time bomb most of the time. You wouldn’t know that because you never saw it. You never saw me pacing the floor when I was ten or twelve or sixteen. Do you know why, Mom? Because of your fucking image and the goddamn fucking Edwards next door. You were too afraid of Melanie or Gia finding out that something was wrong with your perfect little girl.”
“McKenzie. I think you should calm down. Should I get the doctor?” the nurse interrupted, looking at my mom.
“I’m stan
ding right here. Why would you ask her? Ask me. She doesn’t know whether or not I need a doctor. She doesn’t really understand what’s wrong with me. You shouldn’t put that on her. She doesn’t know,” I spouted, ranting like a lunatic with flailing arms.
“We’re fine,” my mother assured her. She nodded and left us alone.
“McKenzie. Sit down.”
“Yeah, I don’t really do that either,” I snorted, crossing my arms and ankles on the windowsill.
“I didn’t know how, McKenzie. I couldn’t stand to watch this again. I handled it the best way I knew how.”
“What do you mean again?”
“I should have told you.”
“Mom?”
“Your dad’s not your dad. Your dad hung himself in our bathroom.”
I sat down. “What?”
“I met your dad in college.”
“My real dad or Mark, the one I’ve been calling Dad for as long as I can remember?” You have got to be flipping kidding me. How many more lies have been shushed? I was right all along. I was never who I thought I was because it was a lie. It was all one big lie.
“Both, really. Mark and I broke up after college. Your real dad and I dated for seven months before he killed himself. I was five months pregnant with you.”
“He was bipolar,” I said, more of a statement than a question. Bipolar Disorder has a genetic component. It’s hereditary. This explained so much.
“I’m sorry, McKenzie.”
“My dad’s not my dad.”
“He’s still your dad. He’s always been your dad.”
“Has he?”
“He tried.”
“No he didn’t. He worked. He was never my dad. Had I known this, I would have never given him that title.”
“McKenzie, I did all I knew to do.”
“You did nothing. You made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was a menace to society. You want to know who was there for me, Mom? Do you want to know who was up with me when I was pacing the floor like a maniac in my room at three in the morning, scared to death of the wind chimes? It was Kyle. Kyle stayed up with me, talking to me on the phone while standing in his office window. He talked me down. Not you. You never helped me. You told me to go to bed, and stop it. I couldn’t fucking stop it.”