Are you sure you’re okay?
She was so sweet, worrying about me. I typed out a message, deleted it and then typed another one.
I’ll be fine. How’s Will?
Typing his name was painful, but I had to ask. I waited and then the phone rang. I turned the music down before I answered.
“Sorry, I couldn’t really have this convo via text. He’s, um, he’s doing fine.” Her tone left a lot to be desired in the believability department.
“Uh huh,” I said.
“Okay fine. He’s binge watching Star Wars, which wouldn’t normally be a sign of trouble, but he hasn’t moved from the couch since you left. I’ve never seen him this way. Sorry, I know that I probably shouldn’t be telling you about this, but I just don’t get it, Aud. What’s the problem?”
I shouldn’t have answered the text. There was no easy way of getting out of this. The Imagine Dragons song ended and switched to “Let Her Go” by Passenger. Ironic.
“It’s complicated, Lottie. I can’t talk about it. I just wanted to make sure he was okay, and clearly he’s not and it’s all my fault. I never should have flirted with him, or gone out with him.” The tears were threatening again, but this time I could push them back.
“No, no. Don’t beat yourself up. It just didn’t work out, okay? It’s not the end of the world. Will’s gotten over girls before. He just needs some time and some distance. It’ll be okay, I promise.” I wanted to believe her, but the way he’d reacted last night told me otherwise.
“Look, let’s not talk about that. When are you coming back to school?” She forced me to shift topics, and I was grateful. We talked about going back to school and how much we were looking forward to it.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you I’m going to have a single next semester. My roommate dropped out and they said I could have a single if I paid a little extra,” I said. How could I have forgotten about that? I’d celebrated the moment I’d found out my roommate was gone and I wouldn’t have to deal with her anymore.
“Oh my God, that is the best news. We’re definitely doing some major redecorating when we get back. This is going to be so sweet, Aud.” It was going to be pretty nice. I could have the place to myself and not have to worry about anyone thinking I was weird for my little habits.
“It’s going to be great, you’ll see. Oh, crap, Simon is motioning to me. I have to go, but we’ll talk tomorrow?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay, bye.”
The next week made me realize that I needed to move out my parents’ house permanently. I just couldn’t live here anymore. It was like being a stranger in your own house.
It hadn’t always been that way. Just a few years ago I’d been closer with my parents and even with my siblings, but those days were over and I had to live with knowing that I’d caused the rift. They’d only reacted in the way they knew how and I couldn’t blame them for that.
Lottie, Katie and Trish all kept in contact with me and even Simon sent me a few texts asking how I was. But it was radio silence from Will.
I didn’t know how I felt about that. I should have been happy that he’d finally started to let me go, but I missed him horribly. Will was a ball of energy that lit things up and made me see the bright side in a dim world. He was also floppy and awkward and I liked that. He wasn’t perfect and he didn’t try to be, but he always wanted to be a good person.
A hundred times I typed out a simple message to him, just to start a conversation, but I deleted them every single time. He needed some time and some space before we could really try this friendship thing out. Had anyone successfully become friends with someone they’d once had feelings for? I didn’t know anyone who had, but I was sure they existed somewhere in the world.
If we wanted it enough, we could make it happen, and I wanted Will in my life.
It was Lottie who finally told me I needed to grow a set of balls and man up. Those weren’t her exact words, but the meaning was clear. Audrey and I had broken up. Or something. We hadn’t really been dating, so it wasn’t really a breakup. It was more that we had decided to take our relationship backwards. Like using one of those Time Turners from Harry Potter. I couldn’t help but know what that was because of both my sister and Aud. They were obsessed, so I became a fan by necessity.
If only magic really existed and I could apparate onto Audrey’s doorstep and beg her to reconsider. Now that would be worth having to wear those pointy hats.
Magic of that kind didn’t exist, or at least not in any world I was in, so I had to do this the muggle way. First I wallowed and watched Star Wars a million times and gamed with Simon and refused to leave the house and tried to ignore anyone when they asked me what was wrong.
I finally surfaced from my wallowing well the day before we went back to school.
“You look much better today,” Lottie said that morning when we woke up. She’d always been more of a morning person, and decided that if she was awake, everyone else should be too.
“Do I?” I couldn’t imagine I looked any different than yesterday, but I had slept better last night. I’d never, repeat never, obsessed this much over a girl. I’d started replaying all of our interactions, wondering what had been the moment that she’d decided she just wanted to be my friend and not my girlfriend. I knew it wasn’t good for me, but I’d just never felt this strong about someone. If she didn’t feel the same way, then it was probably good she’d let me down when she did. That was the thing I’d gone to sleep thinking and I’d woken up thinking it.
“Yes, you do, which means I can stop the suicide watch,” Lottie said, throwing a pillow at me with deadly aim. I tried to duck, but it hit me smack in the face. Lottie cackled and then dashed for the bathroom while I scrambled to chase her.
“I win, I win!” she sing-songed from the other side of the locked bathroom door before turning on the most disgusting pop music she owned and cranking it up on high so she couldn’t hear me pounding on the door.
“Don’t use all the hot water!” I yelled, slamming my fist on the door one last time.
“William!” Mom said, a spatula in her hand. “Is that really necessary?” It was when Lottie used up all the hot water and left her nasty hair clogging the drain.
Mom gave me one of those looks, so I backed away from the door and went to the living room. Simon had already gone back to school because he couldn’t stand being away from Brady anymore. The dorms weren’t open, but he was staying with Stryker.
“You could use a lesson in manners, young man,” Mom said, flipping some pancakes without even looking at them. Next thing, she’d be handing me a book. That was Mom’s solution to everything. A book. It might work for Lottie, but it didn’t for me.
Dad was gone again to go to his lab in the Caribbean to study ocean bugs. If I didn’t think his job was boring as shit, I would have been all over that. He’d been gone for a lot of our childhood, but I never felt like he abandoned us, or anything. He made it home for the important stuff.
I thought about making a smart remark to Mom, but decided against it. That would just lead to another lecture, and I’d had more than enough of them from my mother and my sister.
Lottie gloated when she came out of the bathroom.
“It’s all yours, little brother.”
“Forty-seven seconds! You’re only older than me by forty seven seconds,” I said as I shut the door of the bathroom. She just laughed maniacally.
Lottie and I no longer had to share a vehicle, so I had the entire ride back to school to myself. None of Lottie’s awful music or her incessant chatter, or her punching me in the shoulder.
I missed it.
She and I were so close all the time, I almost forgot what it was like to have to be by myself. It was quiet. Too quiet. My brain shouldn’t be allowed to be alone, because all I did was think about awful things. Not just about Audrey, but about all those embarrassing moments that you tried to suppress in your memory and pretend never happened, but when you leas
t expected it, they popped out and reminded you. I turned my music up so loud it drowned out the sound of my truck’s engine, but that didn’t work to penetrate my brain. Not even the cool version of the Star War’s theme that Lottie had found for me worked.
It wasn’t until I walked into my room that I had something to distract me.
“What the hell is this?” There were tools and pieces of wood and screws all over the floor.
“I thought you weren’t going to be back for a few hours. My bad,” Simon said, his voice muffled because he had a screw in his mouth.
“That didn’t answer my question,” I said, stepping over the seeming chaos.
“I’m building us a new entertainment center, what does it look like?” That was a loaded question.
“And what was wrong with the other one?” Simon had also built the other stand that held our television and all our gaming consoles. It even had a little place for the remotes. Living with Simon was like living inside a Pottery Barn.
“This one is better.” He went back to using his drill, which drowned out anything I had to say. I thought I heard a knock at the door, but I had to wait until Simon stopped drilling to confirm. Probably the resident assistant coming to yell at us for using power tools in our dorm room.
I opened the door to find Zan and Lottie. They’d moved off campus, but I had the feeling we were going to be seeing a lot of them anyway.
“You still mad at me for taking all the hot water again?” Lottie said, nearly tripping on a pile of screws as she went to sit on my bed, Zan following behind.
“What are you making?” she said.
Simon turned and gave her an exasperated look.
“It’s an entertainment center! I swear, you all would be content to set our television on a box and call it good. Uncultured swine.”
Zan gave me a look. Yeah, I would have put the television on a box, too.
“Well, I think we’ll get out of your way,” I said, nodding at the other two. The best thing to do for Simon was to let him do his thing and then come back and admire the results. I’d tried to help him with some of his projects, back in high school when we’d first become friends and he’d bitten my head off.
Lottie and I explained this to Zan as we left the room, closing the door quietly as the sound of the drill started up again.
“I’ve never seen him be that intense about anything,” Zan said as we walked downstairs. “Remind me never to piss him off.”
“Yeah, he can get kind of scary when he’s holding a drill in his hand,” Lottie agreed. “Do you want to seek refuge for a few hours?”
It was probably the best idea. I needed my sister’s frenetic energy right now.
“Sure.”
I spent most of the time when I got back to school rearranging my room, which helped quiet my thoughts for a little while. It was surprising how much larger the room felt without my roommate and all her things inside it.
After a few hours of moving and arranging and moving things back and sweating the whole time, I had it the way I wanted it. I’d also had Christina Perri’s “Human” on repeat the entire time.
Lottie had sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out at her place and have dinner, and it seemed as good an idea as any, so I messaged her back asking if she could give me a ride. My brother had been forced to drive me back to school since I was currently carless.
She messaged me when she was downstairs and I grabbed my coat and dashed down to meet her.
What she neglected to tell me in the message was that Will was with her. He was also sitting in the backseat and the only available place for me in her tiny Datsun that Zan had given her was next to him since Zan was in the front seat.
I had two choices, and one would lead to more questions, so I bit my lip, held my tongue and got in the car.
“Hey,” I said, pretending I was just greeting three friends.
“Hey, Aud,” Will said, his voice soft. I gave him a quick smile that I hoped was a friend smile.
“So how’s the single?” Lottie said, breaking into the awkward moment and rescuing me.
“It’s weird having just my stuff in it. I think I need more furniture to make it not feel so empty,” I said.
“Simon could build you some furniture. He’s currently building us a new entertainment center, even though we have a perfectly good one. You could have the old one, if you want. It’s really nice,” Will said, looking straight ahead.
“Wow, that would be great. If you’re not going to use it anymore.”
He finally looked at me.
“It’s yours.” The way he said it, I didn’t think he was just talking about the entertainment center. Lottie’s voice cut through the space between us again and she kept it up for the rest of the ride to her new place. Luckily, it was just off campus. As we’d driven, I’d been so aware of Will next to me and it was a relief to get out of the car and into the cold air to clear my head.
“Whoa,” I said when we walked into the apartment.
“Simon built them,” Lottie said in response to the fact that most of the walls were covered in bookcases. Several shelves were empty, because you would need thousands of books to fill them, but she certainly had a good start.
Zan was represented by his banjo on a stand in the corner and the furniture was mostly neutral colors. Poor Stryker had to submit to Katie’s obsession with pink when she’d moved in with him upstairs.
“It’s going to look really nice when we get all the shelves filled, but that’s probably going to take a while,” Lottie said, pouting at the empty spaces.
“I hope you have good smoke detectors, Lot,” Will said, flopping down on the couch. “This place would go up in a second.”
“Shut up, William!” Lottie said, smacking him on the back of the head. “You’re going to jinx me.” I was often envious of the bond Will and Lottie shared. It went beyond them being siblings. Sometimes they were like two halves of the same soul. Maybe that was what allowed Will to love so easily.
There was a clatter outside and then Katie and Stryker came through the door, their clothes askew and hair tousled. There was a collective groan from Lottie and Will while Zan just shook his head.
“What?” Katie said, trying to be stealthy about fixing her sexed-up hair.
“You’re one to talk,” Stryker said, pointing at Zan and then Lottie. That made Will groan even louder.
“Please stop this conversation right now.”
“Oh get over it. How many times did I have to listen while you and Kandy got it on?” The second the words were out of Lottie’s mouth, she looked at me in horror.
“Not that you were doing anything. I mean, anything sexual. Not with me in the room. Because that would be completely gross and creepy and wrong. No, nothing sexual at all.” Lottie breathed deeply, as if she’d been running. I was used to her verbal outbursts by now and they were just part of who she was. Will was prone to them as well, even though he would never admit it.
“On that note, Zan, let’s get this party cracking.” Stryker had brought his banjo, so the two started playing and Katie joined in singing “Better Dig Two” by The Band Perry while Lottie scurried to the kitchen to start dinner. I went with her.
“I’m sorry about that.”
“No, it’s fine. No big deal.” I gave her a smile and she seemed relieved.
“So, what are we making?”
“Um, I have no idea.” She pulled open the refrigerator and poked her head in. “We just went grocery shopping, so you’d think there would be plenty of options here, but I tend to buy whatever and Zan has to tell me to plan out how we’re going to use things so they don’t go bad. Aha!” She pulled out a jar of salsa.
“Soup! We can have salsa soup.” I had no idea what she was talking about. “I used to make it all the time, and we can put it in the new crockpot.” She started assembling ingredients and I tried to help, but she said she had it under control, so I just watched and talked with her. Katie drifted over a
fter singing a few songs with the musical group in the living room. She was such a different person now, after her father’s death, getting rid of Zack and finally moving in with Stryker. I wished I could have my own transformation that made me into a better, more confident person.
“Where the hell is Trish?” Lottie said, glancing up at the clock set on one of the bookshelves.
“She was picking up Max and then she said she’d be here,” Katie said, examining one of her pink strands of hair. “They seem really happy together.”
“I know. Finally,” Lottie said, dumping the jar of salsa into the crockpot.
“So how are you really?” Katie said to me in a low voice. “This can’t be easy, seeing him again.”
I really didn’t want to talk about this, ever, but Lottie and Katie were looking at me expectantly.
“It’s not easy, but it’s for the best. We decided that we’re going to be friends. That’s all I want.” I could have said a whole lot more, but I was able to shut my mouth.
“Right, friends. And how does Will feel about this?” Katie turned to Lottie, and I was relieved the heat was off me.
Lottie put her hands up.
“Hey, I’m just his twin. I’m not his spokesperson.” That made both Katie and me laugh. “What?”
“You are so full of shit, Lot,” Katie said, shaking her head.
“Whatever. We may have twindar, and all that, but I don’t know what he’s thinking all the time. Plus, he’s a boy. Their brains work differently.”
I couldn’t argue with that and neither could Katie.
Lottie went back to making the soup and Katie started working on dessert; chocolate and peanut butter chip cookies.
Trish arrived with the slam of a door, Max and his blue hair right behind her. He was still a little awkward and shy around the group, but that might have just been his personality. Either way, Trish was the dominant one in their relationship.