Surrounded by couples, I felt out of place and strange. There was a lot of hand holding and longing looks and inside jokes and covert kisses exchanged and it made me ache and avoid looking in Will’s direction. Luckily, there were so many other people around that it was easier to avoid him than it had been in the car.
Plus, Lottie acted as my buffer, always making sure she was sitting between the two of us. It was like having a babysitter, but I let it go. There wasn’t any alternative.
We all ate salsa soup, which turned out to be a sort of vegetarian chili, and fought over the cookies. We called it a night early, since all of us had class the next day, some earlier than others.
I thought everything had gone fine, and I’d gotten out relatively unscarred, but then Will cornered me as I was coming out of the bathroom.
“I have to talk to you.”
I couldn’t stand it anymore. Lottie had been staring at me all night, watching me, making sure I didn’t do or say anything to upset Audrey. Not that I would ever purposely try to upset her, but Lottie seemed to think I wasn’t smart enough to have a conversation with her without saying something stupid.
Okay, maybe she knew me too well.
That wasn’t going to stop me from trying to have a civil PRIVATE conversation with Audrey. A private friendly conversation. Between friends.
“What’s up?” she said, flipping hair over her shoulder. I loved it when she did that.
Dude. Focus.
“I just wanted to talk to you.” I’d been running over all the things I was going to say to her for days now, but once I was standing in front of her, every single one of them fell out of my head and it was all I could do to make a complete sentence, let alone make any actual sense.
“Okay. We can talk.”
“As friends.”
“Friends.”
“Because we’re friends now. Right?” Shit, I sounded like an idiot. No wonder she didn’t want to be with me. My hair flopped in my eyes and I raked it back. Audrey had an unreadable expression on her face.
“Yes, we’re friends. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what did you need to talk to me about?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lottie coming to break us up, but then Zan was right behind her, saying something in her ear and leading her away.
I started to say something, but I ended up making a choked sound instead.
“I’m sorry. This is definitely awkward now.”
She nodded and a smile ghosted on her lips.
“Yeah, it is. I wish we could just start over.” I’d wished the very same thing.
“Who says we can’t? People start over all the time. Look at all those football players that go on that dancing show and get new careers.” One of her eyebrows went up.
“You watch that show?”
“Just because Lottie likes it. She’s kind of a control freak when it comes to the television,” I said hurriedly. It wasn’t a bad show, really, and it was kind of funny to see these huge football players hoisting girls in a sequined dresses all over the stage.
“But how? How do we start over?” I opened my mouth to answer when I realized I had no idea.
“We just do. ‘Do or do not. There is no try.’” In these difficult times, I always drew on the wisdom of Yoda. Audrey snorted at the Star Wars quote and shook her head.
“Hey, if you’re allowed to quote Harry Potter, I’m allowed to quote Star Wars.”
She nodded.
“I guess and I guess we can start over.”
“Okay then. I’m Will, by the way, nice to meet you,” I said, holding my hand out for her to shake. I hadn’t when we’d first met, but it seemed appropriate now.
“Oh, Will, nice to meet you, I’m Audrey.” We shook hands and let go quickly.
“Is it just me, or was that a little awkward?” I said.
“No, it wasn’t just you. But it’s a start.”
That was all we had to do. Start over.
I stayed late at Lottie and Zan’s. It was partially to avoid going back to the dorm room and having to show the proper level of appreciation of Simon’s new entertainment center and partially because I knew when I went back, my head would go to all those crazy places.
“Okay, Will, what is up with you?” Lottie said as Zan cleaned up the kitchen.
“Audrey and I have decided to start over. So that’s what we’re doing. Clean slate, new beginning. That sort of shit.”
She gave me a look that said she questioned my sanity.
“What else am I supposed to do? This is the only way things can work out now. This is how it has to be.”
Lottie stared at me for a long time, and I knew she was using her twin powers to dig through my mind. Then she grabbed my face and looked deep into my eyes. I remembered doing the same thing to her when she’d told me she was with Zan.
“Stop it, Lot.”
“Sorry, just had to make sure you hadn’t been taken over by an alien species.”
“And why, exactly?” I said as she gave me my face back.
“Because you’ve completely given up. I thought you would at least give it one more shot, but you totally folded.” Now I was getting frustrated.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Audrey! I thought you would have fought harder for her. I guess you didn’t care that much about her after all.” She was trying to push my buttons, and doing a very good job of it.
“Look, when you were with Zan, did I tell you what to do? No offense, Zan.”
“None taken,” he called over the splash of the dishes in the sink.
“Uh yeah, you did. You were always telling me to be careful and I know you beat him up that one time. Don’t even try to deny it.” There was no hiding anything from my sister. Mom might as well have named her Sherlock Holmes.
“Yes, but when you told me you were with him, I said I’d get over my own issues because he made you happy. So there.”
She rolled her eyes.
“Real mature, William.”
“Listen, I think I’m just going to go. I don’t need this right now.” I started to get up from the couch, but Lottie grabbed onto me and wouldn’t let go. She might be little, but she was strong.
“Lot, seriously.” But she wouldn’t release me from her clutches, and if I walked, I was taking her with me.
So I sat back down.
“You were the one talking about being mature, and you just did a really good barnacle imitation to get me to not leave.”
“Desperate times, Will. Desperate times.” Zan was making a lot of extra noise in the kitchen to give the illusion of privacy.
“What do you want me to do, Lot? I tried. I told her I loved her. That’s pretty much the best I can do.” Zan dropped a plate and it clunked in the sink.
“Sorry,” he called.
“I don’t know, Will. Win her over. Show her why she should be with you. Be your lovable charming self. You’ve never had any problems getting a girl before.” No, I hadn’t, but Audrey wasn’t just any girl. She was the girl.
“I can’t force her into a relationship with me if that’s not what she wants. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.” Lottie waved her hand, brushing the legality aside.
“She does want to be with you, that’s the thing. She just has this crazy idea in her head that it won’t work out. You need to show her that you’re not giving up on the relationship, and thus not giving up on her, and maybe she’ll realize that and you two can live happily ever after, get married and have your honeymoon at Comic Con.” Lottie smiled with satisfaction. She just had everything figured out.
“You can say all those things, but that doesn’t make them true.” Lottie always thought that she could make things be the way she wanted them to be. She was also the most stubborn person I’d ever met in my entire life.
“Have faith in yourself, William. I do.”
And just like that, my sister had gone from driving me crazy to being my best friend and biggest supporter. She
held her arms out and I gave her a hug.
“Love you, Will.”
“Love you, Lot.”
If only Audrey had so much faith in me. If only I did.
I knew from the very moment that I’d suggested being friends with Will that it was going to be too hard.
I just didn’t know how difficult it would be until I had to hang out with him and pretend we’d just met and had no history. We’d sort of broken the ice and had fallen back into our habits. I caught him reaching to touch my hair, or I would automatically fall into step beside him, or our eyes would meet and hold from across the room.
Neither of us talked about the fact that he’d said he loved me. Like an unexploded bomb, it was best to tiptoe past it and not poke it or investigate it any further.
We also stopped spending time alone together, and made sure that we had at least one person with us at all times. That was almost always Lottie, and she usually had Zan with her so the four of us spent a lot of time together the next week when we weren’t in class.
I also escaped to the library to do a lot of reading, which wasn’t unusual for me. Will respected my “insane” (his word) study habits like a good friend. It was essential to keep my grades up if I had any hope of getting into law school.
My parents might not know what they wanted to be when they grew up (if they ever did), but I knew I’d wanted to be a lawyer ever since I discovered what a lawyer was. The idea of getting up in front of a roomful of people and persuading them to see what I wanted them to see with my words, to defend people who needed defending, it all appealed to me. So did the money.
Will once told me that I intimidated him with my ambition, but he was as driven too, just in a different direction. He gave off that carefree vibe, but Will was very passionate when he got going on a particular subject, especially sports.
I remembered being stunned by his enthusiasm for football the second time I’d met him, and he’d made me laugh by trying to explain how it made him feel and failing.
Lottie and I had managed to sign up for another English class together, this time it was Women in Fiction, taught by our delicious British professor, Mr. Halloway. I could have sat through any class he taught just to listen to his voice.
I got there first, and made sure there was an empty seat next to me for Lottie. She rushed in, rolling her eyes.
“I couldn’t find a parking spot. You would think, with my car being as tiny as it is, I’d be able to cram it in anywhere, but no. Did I miss anything?” I shook my head because class hadn’t even started. Shocking, it was nearly all female, but there was one lone guy.
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you are Tyler Garry,” Mr. Halloway said with a roguish smile. Everything he did was so . . . British.
“You would be correct,” Tyler said with a grin. He reminded me a little bit of Will, even though they didn’t look much alike. Tyler had brown hair and eyes and would have to look up if we stood face-to-face. It was more the attitude that was similar. He didn’t care that he was the only boy in a class about women in a room full of women.
“Well, you are a brave soul, welcome.” Mr. Halloway gave Tyler a few claps of applause and Tyler pretended to tip his hat. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself and so did Lottie. I knew this class was going to be interesting, but now it was going to be even more interesting.
We didn’t do much in the first class, other than go over the syllabus, so we were let out early. Lottie had to rush to her next class, but we set a time to meet so we could have a late lunch.
I headed to my Intro to Political Theory class, which I had also been looking forward to, and then to the library to get started on my reading before I met Lottie.
A voice interrupted my perusal of my English syllabus.
“Hitting the books already? God, Aud, it’s only the first day of class.” Will flopped down into a chair across from me, his hair falling into his eyes. I wanted to cut it, but I also liked the way it fell into his eyes, and the careless way he pushed it away.
“You know me,” I said.
“No, actually I don’t know you that well, because we’ve just met, remember?” I’d forgotten.
“Sorry. Starting over should be easier, shouldn’t it?” I closed my book, knowing I wasn’t going to get anything done with him sitting across from me.
“Maybe,” he said, glancing around the room at the shelves of books. You’d think he’d be at home here, since his mother was a librarian.
“So, do you want to have lunch? I have a little time before my tennis class.” Will’s classes sometimes amazed me.
“You’re taking tennis?”
He put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair, almost to the point of tipping over.
“I might have left signing up for classes until the last minute and that was the only one left,” he said with one of those sheepish smiles that he used to get away with things.
“Even with all the reminders Lottie gave you?”
“It’s gotten to the point where she sends me so many reminders they all kinda blur together and I just ignore them.” He waved his hand dismissively. I was pretty sure he was lying, but I didn’t know why.
“So back to my original question, before you got us off track, how about lunch?” I looked at the clock.
“Oh, um, I’m actually meeting your sister in a little while.” I thought she might have told him about that. They shared everything, whether they meant to or not.
“Really?” Will said, pulling out his phone.
“Don’t say anything to her, please. I don’t want to cause tension.” Will put the phone down on the table and folded his hands.
“Okay, I won’t say anything. As a friend to you. Because we’re friends.”
“That’s right.”
I had never worked so hard at being friends with someone before. Being friends with a girl who wasn’t my sister, and who I was also crazy attracted to, was about as much fun as sticking my tongue to a flagpole in January.
But I did it. I kept my hands to myself and kept my mouth shut and worked on not staring at her ass, and when it was time to go to bed each night, I was exhausted.
Lottie tried to be a support system, but it was hard for her to choose whose side she was going to take, so I tended to avoid any situation where she might have to. I knew she’d choose me, as her twin, which left Audrey out in the cold, and I couldn’t have that.
My classes actually served to keep my brain occupied, since I had finally moved onto some of my more advanced science and math classes. Lottie had to take them too, with her marine bio major, but we weren’t able to get in any of the same classes, due to my procrastination when signing up for them. So for the first time in my entire life, I had zero classes with my sister.
Aud and I were still on shaky friendship ground, but I thought things were going better until one day when I was walking across campus and I spotted her laughing with some guy. Granted, he was a head shorter than her, but I couldn’t help the flash of jealousy that struck me when I saw her laughing with someone else.
It was so irrational, and so stupid, that I turned away and walked down a path that would take me the long way to my class, but would avoid walking by them.
If she was talking with a girl and laughing, I wondered if I’d be as jealous, but I knew the answer to that. I wouldn’t have been. I shook my head at myself and kept walking.
“Am I a caveman?” I asked Simon that night as we were getting ready for bed.
“Okay, William, I’m going to need some context,” he said as he changed his shirt.
“So I saw Aud today talking to this guy and she was laughing and felt this overwhelming urge to beat the shit out of him. I didn’t do anything, obviously, but I wanted to walk right up to this guy I’ve never met and nail him. Just for talking to her.” The more I talked about it, the more ridiculous I sounded.
“Jealousy is a normal human emotion, Will. You can’t stop yourself from feeling it. The
only thing you can control is your reaction to it, and you did the right thing by not punching him. Good job.” He held his fist out, and I bumped it with mine. I didn’t feel like I should be congratulated.
“Good grief, I have not seen you this wound about a girl, uhhhh, ever. Not that she’s not great, but I don’t think you can keep going like this. It’s not healthy.”
I knew he was right. The problem was, what could I do about it?
“So what am I supposed to do about it? I want to be with her, she just wants to be friends, and I risk putting Lottie in the middle if I decide we can’t see each other altogether. Three shitty options.”
Simon nodded and thought about it for a minute. Other than Lottie, I trusted his opinion the most.
“Honestly, I don’t know, Will. I’m not going to tell you what to do.”
“Why not? You tell me what to do all the time.”
Simon laughed.
“You’re right, but in this instance, I think you need to make this decision on your own. You know, because it effects you the most. I mean, it also affects me, seeing as how I have to live with your mopey bum, but still. I’m not going to interfere. Nope. Not going to do it.” To show his resolve, he crossed his arms and closed his mouth.
I couldn’t figure out why Simon would be so quick to give me advice on every single facet of my life, but not this. It was frustrating.
“You are a completely useless friend right now.” I rolled over in bed, turning my back to him.
“Sorry, Will.” I hoped he would say something else, but his bed creaked and then there was silence.
I kept my mouth shut about running into Will when I met up with Lottie for lunch. We chatted about our new classes instead, my room and how she was adjusting to living with Zan.
“It’s weird. I feel like an adult, you know, because we have to pay rent and everything, but then I feel like someone is going to realize that I’m not old enough to be an adult and revoke my membership. Not to mention he’s around all the time. Seriously, you don’t know someone until you share a living space with them. And I’m sure he feels the same way about me.”