you because your hair is gone. You are handsome with or without hair.”
“Yeah, I hope it’s just stress.” I laugh. “I rather deal with the troubles of being bald than the doctors telling me the cancer will grow back.”
Aubry
It's January and the New Year feels right. Spending the New Year with Charles was breathtaking. My soul is on cloud nine. As much as I want to stay in this bed, I need to get up and get dressed for church.
“You and Charles are heading to church, right?” my mama says as she opens the door.
“Yes ma'am.”
Walking down the hall, I feel something in my heart that something is going to happen. I just don't know what.
“You ready Aubry? I'm on my way.”
Walking into church, I see so many familiar faces. Whelp, another year with my fellow churchgoers. Sitting in the pews, I gaze up at the ceiling,
“Dear Lord, it’s a new year. And I ask you, is my boyfriend healing?”
“And we ask you to come down to the altar, man or woman, boy or girl...”
Charles is gazing down and then he looks up with tears in his eyes. Slowly grabbing my hand, he nudges me to stand with him.
“It's time, Aubry.”
“Huh? What?”
“It's time. I am going down.”
“Oh my goodness! You want me to go down with you?”
“Yes.”
“Wait, you sure you want to do this? This is a big step, Charles.”
“Aubry, I need to do this. I want to do this. I owe God my life.”
Within seconds, we walk down to the altar. Feels like the longest walk in the world. I look at Charles, and he has his head up so high, so strong. Nothing is going to stop him. Nothing. Cancer. Death. Nothing. Trying to hold in my tears. I let go of his hands, letting go of my fears. He is now in God's hands.
Charles
Snow.
The last batch of Mother Nature’s wintry mix covers the city. But my mind ponders on the succulence of my newfound love for Aubry. Playing with Cayden, I admire my growing son.
“Do you like Aubry?” I ask, swinging him back and forth in the air.
Trying to run out of my arms and playfully chase me around, I let Cayden catch up to me. He is full of baby gas and giggles.
“Awww do you love Aubrey?”
“Yes, I lub Auby.”
“Aw Cayden, I love Aubry too.”
But she wouldn’t love me. I have cancer. Swallowing my pills, I stare at myself in disgust. I can't handle this anymore. I need to clear my mind. But thoughts of cancer is scattered throughout my mind. I have an appointment in a few hours that will determine my fate. Lying in bed, I close my eyes, wish I could talk to God, face to face. How can I get out of this dungeon? Suddenly, Cayden stumbles into my room and I am reminded of why I refuse to fail. My son. I live for him.
I love him so much and I cannot fail. I need to survive, not for myself. But for Cayden. Listening to his coos and baby noises, I become infatuated with the company of my son. He looks at me, not with an ounce of worry in his eyes. Instead, he looks at me with strong admiration. I feel our connection. Like father, like son. Aubry says that Cayden is going to grow up and be just like me. So I need to live and beat this cancer so I can see if she is right.
Oh Aubry.
What a beautiful woman.
She is truly my best friend and I hope to marry this woman. Not only is she standing by my side, but she is fighting the cancer. She is fighting the demons of the depression that are ready to wrap themselves against my existence. She is fighting the deliria that I face every day in waking up to taking medications. Pills after pills. I am so sick of them. In the next few hours, I remain in silence but in prayer. I do not want to disturb anyone or anything. I wonder what I would do if the doctors tell me that the cancer moved? Or what if the doctors tell me that it moved to my spine? Or what if the doctors tell me that the cancer... is gone?
Rolling out my bed, I look intently at the bald man who glares back at me in the mirror. I feel the anticipation crawling all over me. Anxiety upsets my stomach but I remain still. Nothing but questions start to spill through my prayers. This entire experience is replete with questions. Why did I get cancer? Am I going to die? When will my hair grow back? Will I heal? Will the cancer stay?
These questions always remained with me. I just locked them away. A man will never announce his fear. And a real man would never question God. But I felt like a baby. I needed His assurance that everything was going to be ok. Maybe God is trying to do something new with my life?
But why me, God? Why would he let me get cancer?
Aubry
Why not you?
Charles must be nervous about his MRI follow-up appointment today. For me, I am beyond worried. I am frantic.
How could I answer his question? How can you tell someone to dream of their best life when they are a weakling of an infectious disease? I can tell that Charles is tempted to give up. He is tired of the appointments. Fed up with the chemo pills. Exhausted from the mental drain. But I have to keep holding his hand. Time and time again, Charles and I envision the cancer gone. And never returning. We practiced this vision in our minds so many times. But God has the final say.
I’ve witnessed Charles go through so many changes, physically and emotionally, especially during the chemo. Since that day I met him, his spirit has shined through. Even on his bad days, Charles was always full of faith. How dare we unpack our fears? We must stay strong so that our dreams can come true.
God would never place anything on someone with something that they cannot handle. As much as I do not like Charles having cancer, I know that Charles is strong. And can handle this situation. I just can’t have him walking around with this “poor-me” mentality. He is a warrior. And God is his sword. I am learning that what happens to you is connected to how to you believe through your daily walks of life.
Charles has cancer. But he also has another chance of life. Cancer is not his death sentence. Charles is manifesting his true happiness into the lines of his life holdings. His cancer was feasting on his juicy brain vessels. And lurking for more. But not on his soul.
Charles is walking in the room and the doctors are walking in behind him. Looking out the window, I see snowflakes fluttering down from the sky. I can’t help but to smile because I know that no matter what, God is in charge. Why should we worry if we are praying about it? Sitting in the waiting room, the stench of medicine makes me a little whoosey. An hour later, Charles walks out to me.
“You ready?”
“Yeah, what did they say?”
“Well...the doctors say we have to wait out here for a few minutes, and then they will come out here and talk to us.”
“Oh ok.” I pull Charles close. I need a hug from him. Feeling his heartbeat, flashes of what we dealt with for the past year strikes my mind. We are beating the cancer, I hope.
“Aubry?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.” Charles smiles at me. Gently caressing my face, he smiles. “I love you. You are always there for me.”
“I love you, Charles and I will always be there for you.”
Where there was nothing before, in the deepest part of my heart, there is now true love. Grabbing my hand, Charles and I walk to the couches. Anticipation freezes every blood cell in my body.
“Mr. Jackson? We have your results,” my doctor says.
"Oh you do?"
To be continued....
Afterword
I would like to thank my family and friends who support this book. I would like to also give a special thanks to my friend Marcie Hill. She encouraged me to write my story. And I am so glad that I did.
To The Honey, keep fighting and winning. Your love broke the clouds that surrounded me. I want to give my life to you forever.
Love, faith and believe,
Tammy J
Connect with Me Online:
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My blog: https://www.totallytammy1.blogspot.com
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