Chapter 18: I Need You
Eric called me later that night to let me know they had gotten to Savannah safely. He told me they were booked with appointments the next few days but would try to call me in the evenings. He left me the name of the hotel and phone number in case I wanted to catch him up on what he was missing while he was gone. I was sure it was mostly because he wanted to hear my voice.
The next day, I woke up to the singing of birds through the window. It was strange—usually the birds and Lucy were competing in song. I looked over at Lucy and saw her lying still. Her eyes were open and she was wheezing, with rapid short breaths. Her lips were bluish and her eyes looked glazed over.
“Lucy? Lucy—honey it’s mommy. Honey what’s wrong baby?” I picked her up and she made no attempt to move.
“Mom, Mom, Mom—something’s wrong with Lucy. Call 911. Her lips are blue.” I screamed for the whole house to hear me. Lucy stayed still in my arms, despite my elevated voice.
“What’s wrong?” She came running into our room.
“She’s acting really strange. I don’t think she’s getting enough oxygen. Her lips are blue.” I said trying to not panic.
“Richard, call 911 now! Lucy’s hyperventilating.” My mother ordered. “We need to get her downstairs right away.”
“Is she okay mom?” I saw the panic in my mother’s eyes as I tried to remain calm.
“She’ll be okay Char. We just need to get her to the hospital.”
Lucy’s breaths were becoming fainter and her face was the color of a pale moon.
“Lucy, honey. It’s nana sweetie. Look at nana.” My mom said trying to get her to look at her as she gazed past us.
“Mom, what’s happening?” I started feeling sick with knots tying up my stomach.
“I’m not sure. Did she put anything in her mouth? Did she get a hold of anything poisonous?” My mother asked as we rushed downstairs.
“I just woke up. She was lying there not making any noise when I called you.” I said feeling sheer terror building up.
“Lucy, nana’s going to check your mouth while we wait for the ambulance. Richard did you call 911 yet?” She yelled into the kitchen as she headed for the living room floor.
“I’m on the phone with them now. They’re on their way.” He yelled back.
She propped open Lucy’s mouth without any hesitation from Lucy. She just lied there not moving. Her small arms and legs, which were usually busy running and getting into things, were motionless.
“I don’t see anything in her mouth.” My mother said. “She looks like she’s barely breathing.”
“What does that mean mom? Is she okay?”
“The ambulance will be here any minute. They will know what’s happening.” She said, trying to be reassuring.
“Lucy sweetie; it’s mommy—it’s going to be okay honey.” I said picking her up in my arms and rocking her as the tears started to stream down my face.
“They’re here.” My mother said as she ran to the door to let the EMT’s and paramedics in.
“I’ve got her here.” I said as I kissed her head fearing the worst as she lay still in my arms.
“Mam, we need you to lay her down here.” One of the EMT’s said.
“Is she going to be okay? She’s not moving. She was just fine, yesterday, before we went to bed. She was fine.” I said, crying as I got out the last few words.
“I checked her mouth and I didn’t see in anything in there.” My mother said.
“Mam, how long ago did this start?”
“We just woke up and she was lying there—her lips were bluish and she wasn’t making any noise. She’s breathing really fast.” I said moving out of the way so they could get to her tiny body.
“Okay, mam. Did she eat anything unusual before you went to bed? Does she have any allergies?”
“No, nothing unusual and I don’t know of any allergies.” I said watching Lucy helplessly.
“Okay, right now she’s not getting enough oxygen. Does she have Asthma?”
“No; not that I know of.”
“Is there any family history of asthma?” He asked taking her vitals.
“No; not that I know of. Oh well, I don’t know about her dad’s side—maybe?”
“Her oxygen level is very low and she needs oxygen now.” He said pulling a small mask out of his bag.
“Will that help her?”
“Her oxygen level was 86 and it needs to be 95 percent or better. This will help but we need to get her to the hospital immediately.”
“Okay, can I come with her? I can’t leave her. She’ll be scared.” I said touching her foot.
“Yes mam. You can ride in the back.”
“Thank you. Mom, please pack a bag for Lucy and call Father John. Have him pray for her—please!” I asked as the EMT and paramedics strapped Lucy’s tiny body onto the gurney and headed towards the door.
“I will honey. Dad and I will be right behind you as soon as I can get Grandma Rose to come watch Evi.” My mom said hugging me. “She’ll be okay honey.”
“She’s my baby mom. Nothing can happen to her.” I cried as I broke free to catch up with them to get out to the ambulance.
“We’re praying honey. We’ll be right there.” I heard her voice as I ran out the front door.
Inside the ambulance, I sat to the left of Lucy’s head. She was still not moving much and the paramedics continued to monitor her oxygen and pulse rate. They asked me a series of questions as the sirens blared all the way to the hospital. I sat there feeling helpless, crying mostly and praying silently that God would keep my baby girl safe. Everything had been going well for us lately. Nothing good lasts forever I thought to myself. I continued to pray to God to heal my little girl as I stroked her head and rubbed her small shoulder. Her lips were less blue but her color remained pallid.
“Mam, we’ll be pulling in a moment. We are going to get her off and get her in to the ER immediately. I’m going to have you follow us. Someone will take you to the ER waiting area.”
“Can I go with her please? She’s never been away from me or my family.” I begged.
“Mam, we have skilled people in there that will take the best care of your daughter. Right now they are waiting to help her. Someone will let you know as soon as you can see her.” He said politely.
“Okay, I just need her to be okay.” I said tearfully.
“We know mam.” He said putting his hand on my shoulder as the other paramedic and EMT lifted the gurney out of the ambulance.
“I need to give her another kiss.” I said following the gurney.
“Lucy, mommy loves you baby. I’ll be right here Lu.” I said kissing her forehead.
I followed as close behind as I could before they went behind two double doors and disappeared where a sign read employees only hung. A nurse saw me and walked me over to the ER family waiting area. I looked around and saw two other people pacing the room. I sat down and stood right back up. I couldn’t sit not knowing what was happening to Lucy. She was receiving medical care but hadn’t looked any better in the ambulance ride. She just laid there which was abnormal for my busy, almost two year old daughter who melted anyone’s heart that knew her. Her birthday, June first, three days before mine, was only a week away. I continued praying; wondering what was going on with Lucy. I was alone at the very moment that I needed someone, more than ever, to be with me. My mom and dad had not arrived yet. Eric was in Savannah with his dad and my best friend, CeCe, wasn’t returning my calls.
I looked at my watch. She had already been back there 15 minutes. I should know something by now. My parents were still not there and I couldn’t help but cry as I paced the room. I just need her to be okay God, I pleaded in my head. I needed someone to tell me she’d be okay. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. This unexpected little beauty had made my life better in so many ways. I couldn’t lose her. Her oxygen levels were really low, I recalled the paramedic saying. I saw a payphone, in the waiti
ng area, and pulled out my wallet. I dialed her number and deposited 75 cents.
The phone rang and rang it seemed, for several minutes, until I heard voicemail pick up.
“Hi, this is CeCe. You know what to do—get me some fried chicken and leave your number so I can thank ya.”
I laughed for a second, beneath my tears. “CeCe, I need you. I don’t know what’s happened and why you don’t return my calls. But I really need you. Lucy’s in the hospital.” I started to cry harder. “And she’s not doing well. I don’t know what’s going on. She woke up barely breathing—her lips were blue. Please pray for her. I really need you here and I miss you so much.” I cried as I hung up the phone.
“We rushed to get here as soon as we could.” My mother said, as I turned around from the payphone.
“I haven’t heard anything yet.” I sniffled, as I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
“Dad and Richie are parking the car. They’ll be in shortly.” My mother said rubbing my back.
“Mom, I’m going insane. I can barely think right now.”
“Lucy is going to be alright. You’ve got to have some faith Char.”
“I keep telling myself that but she looked so terrible in the ambulance mom.” I felt a tidal wave of tears break free.
“We are just going to believe for the best Charlotte.” My mother said walking us towards a tissue box.
“I’m trying to be positive mom.” I said grabbing a tissue.
“Your Aunt Juanita called just before I left the house. I told her that Lucy was having difficulty breathing. She said to tell you she’s praying too and that she’s on her way up here.”
“Thanks mom.”
“I also called Father John and he is praying, as well as all the other members that he can get a hold of to pray.”
“Thanks mom. I just don’t understand why this is happening. Why Lucy?”
“Things happen sometimes. Honey, I don’t know why.”
“Have you heard anything yet?” I heard my father say, as I peered up to see a look of concern on his face and worry on Richie’s.
“We haven’t heard anything yet.” My mother said solemnly.
“Honey, she’s going to be okay.” My father said bending down.
“I know. She’s got to be.” I said wiping tears away with my tissue.
“She’s a bright light in all of our lives. God’s not going to remove that light now.”
“Daddy, she’s my little girl.” I said holding back everything I could to keep from breaking down.
“I know baby.” He said reaching out to hug me tightly. “I know she is.”
“Do you need some coffee Char? Mom?” Richie asked glumly.
“I could use some.” My mother answered. “Richie—how about you bring us all some coffee.” My mother said, opening her wallet to pull out a ten dollar bill.
“Mom, dad—just black?” Richie asked.
“Yes for both.” My mom replied.
“Char, I’ll get you a cappuccino.” Richie said, before heading off.
“I need to call Eric.” I said thinking of him after Richie said cappuccino.
“Do you need change honey?” My dad asked.
“No, I’ve got some. Thank you.” I said getting up again.
I pulled out my wallet and searched for Eric’s hotel number. It was almost nine but I knew he was probably gone for the day—for his dad’s appointments. I dialed his number, anyway, hoping to get an answer. The operator said ‘please deposit 45 cents’. I pulled out the coins and tossed them in the phone.
“Hello, Savannah Inn, how may I help you?” I heard a female voice say.
“I need room 307, please.”
“One moment while I transfer you.”
“Okay, thank you.” I said hoping Eric would be there to pick up.
Again, the phone rang and rang. I knew he’d be gone already.
“Would you like to leave him a message at the front desk?” The lady at the desk asked.
“No, I’ll try later. Thank you.”
“No answer?” My mother probed.
“No, they’re already gone for his dad’s appointments.” I said looking around for any nurses or doctors or someone to tell me something.
“Come sit by dad and I.”
“Why is it taking so long?”
“They’ll tell us something as soon as they can honey.” My dad reassured me.
“They only had coffee Char. So I got you a coffee with cream and sugar.” Richie said, balancing four coffee cups.
“Thanks Richie.”
We sat there sipping our coffees, on the edge of our seats, for the next 45 minutes. Finally, a man dressed in green scrubs appearing to be in his fifties, with thinning hair, came out of one of the double doors. He looked in our direction and walked quickly.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Greenfield. Which one of you is Lucy Buchanan’s mother?”
“I am. Is she okay?” I asked, frightened for a response.
“She is stable now. But her oxygen levels were really low and she had a lot of carbon dioxide in her lungs from hyperventilating. We needed to get more oxygen to the lungs quickly, so we intubated her.”
“What does that mean?” I asked somewhat relieved and cautious about the intubation.
“It’s a tube that’s placed down her throat to get oxygen to her lungs and rest of her body faster. It also helps to regulate her blood oxygen levels by getting enough oxygen to the parts that were high in carbon dioxide.”
“How long does she have to have that in?” I asked.
“For as long as it takes to regulate her blood oxygen levels.”
“Okay. Can I see her please?”
“Yes, she’s sleeping right now. We gave her something to help her rest. We believe she may have had an asthma attack. We received the report from the paramedics that she had been fine with no allergies or illnesses previous to this morning?” He questioned.
“Yeah, she was fine. Nothing unusual—we played outside but we always play outside in the evenings before bed, if it’s nice out.”
“Okay. We’re still running a few tests but I’m recommending that she start using a nebulizer daily to help keep her lungs open and from constricting. At least for now, she’ll need to keep an inhaler with her at all times. That will help if she starts to wheeze and has difficulty breathing. The inhaler helps to open her airway and prevent lung spasms which makes her cough—which repeatedly causes her to start wheezing and then gasp for air in panic.”
“Thank you so much doctor.” I said, wanting to run back to see Lucy, as fast as I could to kiss her and wrap my arms around her tiny body.
“You are welcome. Follow me.” He said turning towards the double doors.
“Our Lucy’s okay.” My mother said, walking next to me, with her arm around my shoulder.
“Mom, I was so worried.”
“I know sweetie. I was too.”
“Okay, you’ll need to wash your hands before you go in. She’s stable but we need to be careful. Probably just a few minutes for all of you to visit should be fine. Mom—you’re allowed to stay for as long as Lucy is here with no restrictions.” Dr. Greenfield said.
I washed my hands quickly and thoroughly to make sure I wasn’t bringing any extra germs in. I walked into the room and saw her small body in a hospital crib. A tube was coming out of her mouth just like the doctor said. It was taped to her face. There was a nurse reading her vitals and writing them down. Beeps and humming equipment surrounded Lucy as she slept peacefully. My baby was safe in the midst of the storm that shook us from our beds this morning. I thanked God as I touched her slender arms and stroked her bronzed blonde hair that fell just below her shoulders.
“I’m Jenny. I’ll be Lucy’s nurse until the next shift.”
“Thank you. I’m Char, her mom.” I said quietly as I kept my hands and eyes on Lucy.
“Honey, we won’t stay too long. I know the doctor doesn’t want too many people in here. We just want t
o peek at her and tell her we love her—even though she’s sleeping.” My mother said slipping her hand into the crib to rub Lucy’s cheek.
I stood towards the front of Lucy’s bed as my mother, father, and brother, Richie, gathered around her. The nurse finished up documenting data and hung up Lucy’s chart, in the slot by the door, before stepping out. My mom and dad or as Lucy calls them, nana and papa, kissed her cheeks and forehead and spoke softly to her that they loved her. Richie rubbed her tiny hand in his. After a few moments, my dad grabbed my hand and nudged my mom and Richie to hold hands. My dad placed his other hand on Lucy’s head and began to pray for her continued healing and health. He prayed for comfort for Lucy and strength for me. He thanked God for the love and joy that she brings into our lives and finished praying.
“Is there anything I can get you before we leave? How about some lunch? You didn’t even have breakfast.” My mother commented.
“Um, okay. If you want; I’m not that hungry right now, though.” I said still focusing on Lucy.
“She’s going to be fine.” My dad said putting his arm around me before kissing the top of my head.
“I know.” I said starting to tear up.
“Oh honey. Your dad’s right, she’s going to be fine.” My mother said hugging the other side of me.
“I know. It just scared me so bad. Her lips were dark blue. What if I hadn’t woken up in time?” I said starting to cry as I watched her underneath the tape, breathing tube, and wires taped all along her arm.
“We can’t focus on those things. She’s going to be okay.” My mom said.
“What if it happens again?” I said pulling my sleeve up to my face to wipe away the puddle of tears on my cheek and neck.
“The doctor said that he’s going to have her use a nebulizer to prevent that from happening again.” My dad said in a matter-of-fact.
“She’s safe and she’s going to remain safe.” My mom added as she hugged me closer.
“She’s got to—she’s my whole world.”
“Richard, I’m going to get some food from the cafeteria for Char and see if the doctor will let me stay a little while with Char—so she’s not alone right now. I’ll be back in a bit if you will stay with her until I return.” My mother said squeezing my hand before heading out the door.
“Okay dear.” He called back.
My father pulled up a chair for me to sit in and another for himself. Richie stood back keeping a watchful eye on Lucy. We talked some but my father knew that right now I just needed to be with Lucy, with little distraction or noise. We all waited for my mother to return. The nurse came in again to read the computer monitors and jot down some more information. She asked if she could get us something to drink. I kindly declined the offer and she persisted, noting that she had the time to get us drinks and stated that the hospital rooms get very dry. I recanted, and asked for grape juice as my father and Richie requested for water. Several minutes later, she came back into the room with our beverages. She handed me my grape juice as I sat tensely, beside Lucy’s bed. I removed the paper off the top of the straw and flashed back to almost two years earlier, in the same hospital. I was tired and had just given birth to Lucy. Exhausted, I held this tiny, perfect, little beauty all bundled up on my chest. I looked at her in awe as I had never felt or could have imagined the love I would feel for my child. I kissed her small forehead as her cries became quieted by the closeness of her body to mine. As the midwife finished up with me I looked over at Lucy and watched the nurses take her vitals. I remember the midwife saying I lost a lot of blood. The nurse offered to get me grape juice to help with my fatigue.
“Okay, so I spoke with Dr. Greenfield and he said that I could stay a few hours with you Char. I also brought you a bacon cheeseburger and fries from the cafeteria.” My mother said pulling up the bedside table to my chair.
“I think we’re going to leave then dear.” My dad said, standing up abruptly.
“Thank you dad for coming and praying. Please keep praying.”
“You know I will honey.” My dad said, hugging me tightly.
“Thank you.” I said as he kissed my forehead before letting go to kiss Lucy.
“I love you Char.” Richie said hugging me next. “She’s going to be fine and home by tomorrow.”
“Thanks Rich.”
“Honey, I’ll pick you up around five PM.” My dad said, kissing my mother goodbye.
“Thank you; can you tell Rose that I said thank you and that Lucy is stable?” She said, holding his embrace.
“Yes, I’ll let her know babe.”
“Thank you guys,” My mother told them as she hugged Richie goodbye next.
“No problem mom.”
“Thanks dad, thank you Richie.” I said, before they disappeared out the door. “Mom, thank you for staying with me and getting me food,” I added.
“You’re welcome sweetie. Eat it before it gets cold. Here—I’ll help you with the fries.” She smiled, grabbing a small handful of fries.
I ate the burger like I was famished. I hadn’t even given food a thought with Lucy’s life hanging in the balance. I scarfed down the burger in mere minutes and moved onto the fries before reaching out to grab my grape juice to wash it all down. My mother snacked on an apple that she pulled out of her purse.
We sat close together beside Lucy’s bed. My mother was always my biggest comfort when things got overwhelming. She talked about things to take my mind off the present stressors. Known for her kindness and humor, she knew how to make me laugh and ease my stress. She brushed my long brown hair and braided it into a fish tail down the side of my head as she told me stories of her and Aunt Juanita when they were younger. She also shared some of the events that me and my brothers did to scare her when we were youngsters and reassured me that Lucy would be fine. My mother told me how proud she was of me and of all my accomplishments. She got a bit tearful as she expressed how rewarding it was for her to watch me parent Lucy and told me that I was a wonderful, kind, and fun mother. She was good at giving people compliments and did so at every opportunity. I was so relieved to have my mother with me; she knew just what to do and say.
“If you want to take a little rest, I’ll be right here with you and Lucy. Since, you’re spending the night, you might get tired later. That way too—when she wakes up you’ll be able to spend time with her if you’re more rested now.” My mom tried coaxing me.
“I don’t know that I can sleep but thank you mom.”
“If you change your mind—there’s a recliner over there you can curl up in.” She pointed.
“Thanks.” I yawned.
“See, you’re tired and could use some rest. I’ll be right here honey if she wakes up before you. If she does, I promise to wake you right away.” She said looking in the cabinet for something.
“Okay, I guess. I’m tired but I just want to make sure she sees my face first because she won’t know where she is or why the tube is in her mouth.” I said, bending down to kiss her forehead.
“I found you a pillow and a blanket dear.” My mother turned around with both.
“Thanks mom.” I said before I whispered “I love you sugar face” into Lucy’s ear.
“Come get comfy and I’ll cover you up.”
“Mommy loves you baby.” I said, stroking Lucy’s cheek again as I kissed her another few times.
“I’ll close the shades too—that should help block some of the light out.”
“Thanks mom. I’m not sure that I’m going to fall asleep though.”
“Okay, sit down already so I can cover you up. Your dad will be back in a few hours and you should get some rest now dear.”
“Okay, okay.”
She turned the lights down low and only a few streams of light peeked in from the blinds. She reclined the chair and placed the soft pillow to the left of my head to lean against. Next, she laid the hospital blanket on top of me and tucked in the corners around my arms and sides and under my feet.
“I love you Char. Get some rest. I will be right here with Lucy. She is fine.” She reassured. “I’ll wake you up when dad comes unless Lucy wakes up before then.”
“Okay, thanks mom.” I said yawning before I closed my eyes and tried to stop the many thoughts running through my mind.
I laid there with my eyes closed thinking about the day. I turned to peek at Lucy.
“She’s fine honey.” My mom said, without looking up.
I turned towards the windows again catching a glare from the sun peering through the cracks in between the shades. I was comfortable and tired but still wanted to be there when Lucy awoke from her sleep. I closed my eyes again. I wondered about Skylar, randomly, before I felt a small sense of guilt for not thinking about Eric first. After all, he had been there for me and Lucy and would be here now if he weren’t taking care of his father, in Savannah. He was so good to me and I felt bad for letting my mind drift towards Skylar before him. After I stopped the argument amongst myself and my thoughts I thought about CeCe. A pang of anger sprang up—she should have cared enough to try and come to the hospital, if not at least call, to see how Lucy was doing. This was important; she should have been here. I wondered what I’d done to push her so far away. She was the only best friend I had ever known, other than maybe Richie or my mother. She was there for everything big and small, scary and funny. There was nothing she did not know about me. She was the only person I ever truly felt comfortable bearing my soul to, other than Skylar. I missed her so much and at the same time felt resentment towards her for disappearing out of my life just like Skylar. CeCe didn’t have an excuse though. I couldn’t think of anything so bad that I would’ve done to hurt her or make her that mad at me. We’d been joined to the hip since third grade. The last six months CeCe had been nothing more than a stranger or at most an acquaintance in my life. I grappled with the swirling, tangled, thoughts of CeCe, Eric and Skylar. I just needed to turn off my mind. I silently prayed for rest and for Lucy to continue to get better before drifting off to sleep for what seemed only a moment.
“Charlotte, honey, wake up. Your dad’s here and I’m leaving in just a few minutes.” I heard my mother say as I jolted awake.
“Is she up?” I looked over at Lucy with glazed eyes.
“No honey, she’s still sleeping. But she’s fine. The nurses are coming in and checking on her every half hour.” My mom said, straightening out my braid.
“Okay. Thank you for waking me up mom.” I yawned, scratching my head
“You’re welcome sweetie. Do you want to sit in this chair?”
“Yeah, give me a minute to wake up. I didn’t realize I was that tired.”
“That’s okay babe. You’ve had a long day.”
“Yeah, it has been a long day.”
“You know you can call anytime of the day if you need to honey.” My mother insisted as I slept-walked to her chair.
“Okay mom. I’ll call you when she wakes up unless it’s in the middle of the night.” I said, bringing the covers with me to cuddle up in.
“Alright, I love you Char. I love you too sugar bug.” She said to Lucy kissing her nose, gently, before turning around to lean my head into her arms. “You can call me whenever.”
“Thanks mom. I will if I need to.”
“Okay sweetie. Bye girls.” She waved as she stepped away.
“Bye mom. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She left and it was Lucy and I again. I looked over at Lucy and she remained still. Her color had gotten better and I watched as her chest raised and lowered in a relaxed manner. I picked up her hand closest to me and held it in my right hand. Her other hand had an oximeter on her index finger with tape all over it to keep it in place. She hadn’t moved but appeared to be comfortable enough. The humming continued which I had barely noticed at this point other than the deafening silence that filled the room. On occasion, the sound of nurses talking as they passed by the door echoed in.
I held tight to Lucy’s slightly warm fingers and put my feet up on the side of her bed. I wrapped the covers around my midsection and sipped the last of my lukewarm grape juice before tossing it in the trash can beside the table. I leaned close to her bed and quietly hummed you are my sunshine. I was still sleepy and could barely control myself from yawning. I jerked uncomfortably as I had begun to fall asleep again.
I put my feet down and looked around for the television remote control. Unlucky in my search, I opened up the drawers in the table behind my chair. The first drawer had a pad of paper and a box of tissue. I closed the drawer and opened the next one. I found a maroon-colored book titled Gideon’s Bible. I pulled it out and closed the drawer.
I flipped it open and the pages turned to the book of Jeremiah. My mother had read most all of the bible to me growing up. She would read to me as I fell asleep. I never knew when she stopped as her reading usually lulled me to sleep. I remembered having to memorize various scriptures in my confirmation classes. It had been awhile since I read the bible. I started reading, silently, until I began to get sleepy again. I decided to try reading aloud to Lucy and I. While skipping around verses, I came upon a familiar scripture in Jeremiah 29:11. It read, for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I felt a warm tingling sensation run over my body, leaving goose bumps on my arms and neck. I looked over at Lucy again and smiled as I felt my body relax. I continued reading; yawning every few words. I leaned against the crib-type bed Lucy laid in and continued reading a short while until dozing off.
Sometime later I awoke to knocking followed by a hello. It was dark in the room as I rubbed my eyes open to see the shape of a female standing in the doorway. Squinting to see who was at the door in the dim-lit room, I suddenly saw CeCe standing there. I rubbed my eyes again to make sure I was actually seeing her.
“Can I come in?”
“Yes.” I yawned.
I was so tired. I had a myriad of feelings going through my body. I was happy to see her and angry that it had taken Lucy ending up in the hospital for her to come back to see her best friend. She slowly made her way over to the bed as she looked over at Lucy.
“Is she okay?”
“She should be okay.” I said surprised by the baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants CeCe wore. Her hair looked slightly greasy and I could tell it hadn’t been dyed in sometime. Her dishwater blonde roots had grown out several inches and she looked tired. Even in the darkness I could see the dark circles below her eyes. She looked terrible.
“Good. I came as soon as I got your message.” She offered, making no eye contact with me.
“CeCe, where have you been?”
“I’ve been driving.” She said, watching Lucy.
“No, where have you been? I haven’t heard from you since Christmas.” I said, sitting up now.
“I’ve been busy.” She started to sniffle.
“Apparently, too busy for your best friend?” I said angrily.
“Char, I don’t want a fight right now.” She said, looking down at the floor.
“You don’t want a fight then tell me what in the world is more important than your best friend? I get your busy. I’m busy too. I work, I go to school. I’m a single parent. You can’t tell me you’re busier than I am.”
“Char, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I came because you called me and I was worried about Lucy.” She said, without looking at me still.
“What the hell? I’ve called you millions of times with nothing back. I needed you before now. Thankfully, my family was here beside me when I thought I might have lost Lucy.” I said, feeling the tears start to build up.
“I’m sorry Char. I’m very sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I had the worst semester and I haven’t talked to anyone.” She said, wiping her nose.
“What too many exams? Too many vacations with your parents? Or was it too many parties with your sorority sisters? That had to be
really tough. Gosh, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
“This is exactly why I haven’t talked to you. You are so judgmental. Just because somebody doesn’t do what you think they should do or act like you—it gives you the right to look down on them.” CeCe suddenly raised her voice.
“Are you on drugs CeCe? Are you drinking—because I don’t know what you’re talking about? This is about you not returning your best friend’s calls for the last five months.”
CeCe glared at me with a look of pain and anger. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. Charlotte; the perfect one who never makes mistakes, who can do no wrong, who always has looked down at me for doing what I wanted to do instead of what you thought I should do.” She barked back.
“Are you kidding me? I got pregnant at 18 from a one-night stand CeCe. I gave up what was left of my childhood to become a parent. Oh yeah, the guy who knocked me up I never heard from him again—remember that was when we use to be best friends. So, tell me what’s worse than that? Huh? You got anything? Anything, at all? I know it’s hard having everything you want given to you on a silver platter. I can’t even imagine how stressful that must be for you.” I said in complete disgust.
Through gritted teeth and tears falling from her eyes, I heard CeCe shriek back. “Yeah, well you were never alone when you were pregnant. I was there for you.” Without holding back her emotions, she repeated, “I was there for you, Char.”
Feeling my level of anger rising I asked, “Are you pregnant CeCe?”
“No, I’m not anymore.” She said, with her lips pursed tightly together wiping her eyes.
“What do you mean anymore?”
“I’m not anymore.” She sniffled.
“Did you lose the baby?” I asked feeling ashamed for losing my temper with her.
“Yes.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“When did you miscarry?” I asked feeling suddenly horrible for yelling at her and for not being there when she needed me.
“I didn’t miscarry, Char. I had abortion.” She said, looking at me through tear-filled eyes.
“You had an abortion?”
“Yes.” CeCe confessed, fighting back tears.
“I started to feel bad—even ashamed just now for yelling at you. I felt bad for you thinking how you just lost a baby and how horrible that must feel—especially being all alone. And then, you tell me that you chose to lose that baby—that you had an abortion? I woke up this morning not knowing if I was going to lose my baby. While I was pleading with God to let my baby live and not die—my baby who I awoke to with blue lips—who was barely breathing and almost dead—you are standing here telling me that you chose to let your baby die?” I asked barely able to look at her.
“I came here to support you as I’ve always done Char. You have no idea how I feel. I don’t need you to tell me how I feel or what I am. I’ve already cursed myself enough times to want to just curl up and die. I’m sick about what I’ve done. No one knows. I can’t tell anyone. I’m ashamed and I can’t change it—all I feel is sad and empty, all the time. You’ve always been jealous of the money my parents have to pacify me with but all the money in the world won’t bring my baby back. I can’t change what I’ve done as many times as I’ve wished I could. I’ve been sick to my stomach for months. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Whenever I see a baby, I have to look away to keep from losing it. There’s a piece of me missing that I can never get back and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel okay again. I feel guilty for being alive. I feel guilty for wanting to feel happy again. I know I don’t deserve to be happy. I wanted that baby—I wanted to have that baby so badly.” CeCe said crying, shaking as she stood there. “I was scared. I’m not like you, Char. I don’t have parents who love me like yours love you and are there for you. My parents would’ve never talked to me again. I couldn’t tell you—you made the right choice—one I couldn’t make. I couldn’t face you—that’s why I stayed away. It wasn’t because I had outgrown you. I wanted so desperately to tell you but I couldn’t bear to be rejected by you for not being as strong as you were. I didn’t want to lose you. You’re the only person that’s ever loved me for me. Not even my mother allows me to be me—she’s always trying to change me into something she can be proud of. I’ve always been an embarrassment to her—never living up to her standards. You’ve always been there for me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I hate myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m failing all my classes. I can’t think clearly. I’m plagued by thoughts of what would have been if I kept my baby and now I’ll never know. I’ll never know Char!” CeCe collapsed to the floor.
“I’m so sorry too. I’m angry that you didn’t think you could tell me. Of course, I’m angry that you didn’t choose life. But I’m angry that you were alone in this when I would’ve moved mountains to be with you CeCe. I’m sad and angry that you don’t have the most incredible gift in the world to love and love you back. I’m angry that you’ve been hurting all by yourself for months with no one there to love you—to get you through this.” I said, nodding my head with a face full of tears as I paced the room.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m probably going to get kicked out of school. My parents can only throw so much money at them before they are bound by some kind of ethical dilemma.” CeCe sobbed. “Everywhere I go on campus, I’m reminded of my mistake. Every time I try to sleep I just keeping thinking about the baby and the procedure.”
I stood up and grabbed the tissue box from the drawer and handed some to CeCe. I took out several for myself and sat back down. I wrapped my arms around her and leaned my head against her shoulder.
“How did this happen?”
“I was under so much pressure to be better than my parents. I was studying all the time just to get respectable grades. By the time the last semester was over, I just wanted to quit school. I needed a break. Instead, some of my sorority sisters talked me into going to a party. I needed to just forget about the last several months. There was plenty of alcohol and I kept drinking so that I would loosen up by the time we got to the party.”
“Was this the party you were going to when I called you before winter break?” I asked, wiping my nose with the tissue.
“Probably, I don’t remember too much about that day other than I had more to drink than ever before.”
“I knew something was up when I talked to you that night. You were rude over the phone and you’d never spoken to me like that.” I said, still sniffling.
“I’m sorry I was rude to you. I haven’t been myself for a while now.”
“Who was it? Who got you pregnant?”
“When we got to the party it was packed and everyone ended up getting separated. I kept drinking. I didn’t know anyone and I really didn’t care what was happening around me. I just needed a break from reality after the semester ended. While I was waiting to get a beer a guy came up and offered to get me one. I finished that beer and started on another two or three. I was really woozy by then and just needed a place to lie down. He carried me upstairs to his room and laid me down on his bed. He locked the door and then came back over and started kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt. I was so drunk by that point that I just kind of laid there. He wasn’t mean or aggressive but I knew he wanted sex. I obliged as long as he used a condom because I could barely move. He said he would use a condom.” CeCe looked down at the ground again.
“Oh CeCe,” I asked feeling her pain resonate in my heart. “He took advantage of you—he shouldn’t have done that—and any decent man knows that. What happened next?”
“I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember how I got back to the sorority house. One of my sisters told me, the next morning, that she found me lying on a bed upstairs with half of my clothes off. She managed to get me dressed and found someone to help give us a ride home. I was so ashamed that I didn’t tell you about it—that’s why I avoided calling you the day I got home from school.”
“I’m far from perfect CeCe. You kno
w that. I’ve made plenty of mistakes—but that creep took advantage of you. A decent man doesn’t do that. Did you tell the police about it?”
“I was so drunk that night, it was my fault too.” CeCe stammered.
“It doesn’t matter how drunk you were—it doesn’t give anyone the right to take advantage of you. He was wrong to do what he did and he knows it. Did you talk to him after that?” I felt so much anger towards this coward for what he did to my best friend.
“For about three minutes. I went back to the Frat house after I found out I was pregnant. I went to tell him to see what he thought.”
“And?”
“When I opened his bedroom door unexpectedly—he was making out with some girl in his bed before he started yelling at me. I threw the door open and went over to the bed and grabbed the girl by her hair and started to pull her out of his bed.”
“You did what?” I started to laugh, from nervous energy, but controlled myself.
“I pulled the girl out of the bed and told her he was my boyfriend. He started yelling I was crazy and she started yelling at him before she stormed out of the room. I was so angry at myself for letting him sleep with me. In the daylight without the alcohol I could tell that he was use to jumping from girl-to-girl.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Yeah, I told him I was pregnant with his baby. He said he wasn’t going to be anyone’s dad and told me that I needed to get an abortion. He threw $300 at me and told me to get out of his bedroom and never come back.”
“Oh my gosh, CeCe; what a creep!”
“I was humiliated. I didn’t expect a proposal but I also didn’t anticipate him treating me like a hooker. I was crushed and so conflicted. I’ve never believed in abortion. I still feel it’s not right but I was alone and scared. I knew I couldn’t tell my parents. I didn’t think I could tell you or anyone else. I was afraid of what would happen if people found out I was pregnant—I was afraid of my parents disowning me. I knew it was the wrong decision but I went anyway hoping to make this whole nightmare go away.”
“I’m sorry that you didn’t feel you could tell me.”
“I wish I would have. I was afraid to tell you because I knew you’d persuade me to have the baby—which I really wanted but I was afraid of what my parents would think or do.” She said, looking over at Lucy sleeping soundly.
“Did it make your problem go away?”
“It ended the pregnancy which I thought would help me put that part of my life behind. When I went to the clinic, I felt sick and wanted to turn back but I was frozen in fear. I cried the whole time knowing I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Afterwards, I was just numb. The only emotion I felt was sadness. The abortion hid my little secret but it left a black hole in my life. I couldn’t bear to watch Lucy and wonder about my child. I don’t expect you to understand and I’m not looking for your sympathy. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore and I really need a friend.”
“Ugh. This whole time I’ve been mad at you. I felt abandoned all over again when you didn’t return my calls or respond to my letters.” I said with my head between my arms resting over my lap.
“I just couldn’t face you. I would’ve stayed away longer if I hadn’t heard your voicemail this morning about Lucy. I love you and I love Lucy so much that I couldn’t stay away despite everything else. I know you needed me—I just wasn’t ready to tell you yet. I didn’t want to disappoint you like I disappoint my parents. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you or Lucy. I’ve already lost too much and I can’t afford to lose either of you.”
“I love you CeCe and I will always love you no matter what happens. I’ve missed you so much and I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry that you were right—I can be judgmental and I’m very sorry. I hate that this happened—all of it and that you didn’t have a friend to be there for you.” I said, wrapping my arms around CeCe.
“I really need you Char. I don’t know how to get through this. It’s eating me up inside.” CeCe cried as she squeezed me tightly.
“You will make it through sweetie. We’ll make it through together.”
“Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to know.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
I held CeCe for the next hour until we both stopped crying. She and I moved the recliner over by Lucy’s bed and curled up together, waiting for her to wake up. My heart broke for CeCe that night. I didn’t agree with her decision but I could feel the pain that she carried with her. She had changed from the confident, not-a-care-in-the-world CeCe to a frightened, broken, and lost young woman. Scared to move forward and stuck in her torment, there was little left than just a shell of the life that once was there. As painful as it was for her and I, I was silently happy to be in the embrace of my best friend again. I prayed for healing over her heart and life and that she’d be able to find true peace and happiness again.
“Do you think things will ever be like they were?” CeCe asked softly.
“No, but I think things can get better than they are now.” I said with my head leaning against hers.
“I hope so. I can’t live this way but I know that I don’t deserve happiness.” She said quietly in the dark room.
“CeCe—you made a mistake and I can’t even assume to know what it’s like to be in your skin right now. I do remember feeling like things would never get better when everyone found out about my pregnancy. I remember worrying that I would end up a loser or that people thought I was a slut, especially when there was no guy standing by to help with Lucy. I also remember thinking that I wasn’t going to have any kind of a good future. But you know what—Father John told me something very profound. He told me that just because we make a mistake—doesn’t make us a mistake. God didn’t screw up when he made you. He even knew we’d make mistakes yet he’ll always love us and forgive us. I know it’s hard to imagine but CeCe, he can turn your hurt into something that could help someone else one day. There is nothing you can do that would ever stop God from loving you Ce.” I said, starting to cry again. “And of course, I’ll always love you.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I can forgive myself. I just don’t know. I would do anything to turn back time.” CeCe sobbed softly.
“I know CeCe. If you want, when you’re ready, I’ll go to confessional with you. It helped me to know that God still loved me when I felt like I screwed up everything.”
“I would like that when I’m ready.”
A small cry rose up from the crib.
“Lucy? Honey, it’s mommy, I’m right here love.” I leaned over into the crib as Lucy started panicking with the tube down her throat.
“Lucy.” CeCe whispered.
“Can you go get a nurse please? I don’t want her to pull out her tubing. She needs it to breath.” I asked quickly.
“Sure, I’ll be right back.” CeCe took off towards the nurse’s station.
Two hours later the doctor ordered that Lucy could have the tube removed. She was breathing on her own. Her blood oxygen level was ninety-eight percent, a huge improvement. I called my mother around six AM to tell her the good news. CeCe stayed the rest of the time with me and Lucy in the hospital room until she was discharged home, with medications and a nebulizer. The color had completely returned to her face and she was able to start on a liquid diet. The doctor warned that her throat would be sore, from the tube, for a few days. He said that chocolate milkshakes would be okay for her until the soreness went away and Lucy seemed to agree. CeCe watched from the sidelines, helping with whatever I asked of her to get Lucy back home again.
As we left the hospital to go home, CeCe turned towards me.
“Were you serious about going with me to confessional?” She asked.
“Of course I was—whatever you need.”
“Would you go with me tomorrow morning?”
“Absolutely,” I said grabbing her hand and squeezing it.
“Thank you,” she whispered, ??
?for not hating me.”
“I could never hate you. I’ll always love you CeCe. You’re the sister I never had.” I smiled back.
“Good, because I couldn’t live without you.”
I hugged her tightly before we got in our own vehicles to head towards our homes. From her car she smiled and waved. I smiled back and gave her a royal Queen wave. The next day, as promised, I picked her up and took her to confessional for a fresh start. I stayed in the car parked outside the church while she spent over two hours in confession, with Father John. She later told me that although it didn’t solve her problems, it was the first time she had felt any sense of peace since the abortion.
Father John encouraged CeCe to talk with her parents so she could let the rest of her fears go. For several days she contemplated whether or not she would tell them. Not having to tell them was part of the reason she tried to keep her pregnancy a secret for fear of disappointing them. She also worried that her parents would shun her away if they knew. Father John said he’d go with to tell her parents for moral support. It was in late June that CeCe finally told her parents, with Father John beside her. She said that after sharing the story, her mother was angry and stormed out of the room for the next half hour. Her father was speechless before he broke down in tears. This was the first time she’d ever seen him cry. Her father then left the room shortly. Later, she learned it was for him to regain his composure. CeCe looked to Father John for comfort in what she feared worst—losing any kind of relationship with her parents. A few minutes later her father returned and hugged CeCe tightly. She hadn’t seen this much emotion from him ever. He had a mixture of emotions—anger, frustration, guilt, but mostly sadness that his one and only child had been through so much, all alone. He was hurt that she worried about losing their love. Finally, Bev came back in the room. CeCe said she could tell her mother had been crying too—as her always perfect eye make-up was smeared and her eyes red. Bev was still angry and felt partly to blame. Although, CeCe and her mother had never been close, Bev just wanted for her only child to be happy. She thought if she just pushed her to be the best at everything, CeCe would be happy with all of her own accomplishments. She knew CeCe was tough like her but never thought anything like this could happen to her daughter. Bev was angry with herself that she and CeCe didn’t have a motherly bond safe enough that her daughter could go to her in her greatest time of need. Bev had not held a close relationship with her own mother and found refuge only in her personal successes. No one had taught her how to be a mother, let alone a good one. She thought that providing the finer things in life would help to fill other voids she didn’t know how to fill. Bev had never talked about her shortcomings or emotions with CeCe or her husband. This time, Bev did something that surprised CeCe. She apologized. She shared how she regretted not being the mother CeCe needed most and confessed that despite this hurt CeCe had done so many things right in her life that she was proud of her for. She last apologized for not telling her more often that she loved her. Before now, her parent’s love was mostly an unspoken notion. Hearing that they loved her meant everything. Despite the tenacious confidence CeCe embodied—a part of her was still the little girl that needed to be loved, cherished, and wanted by her parents.
CeCe knew things would not be perfect but she was hopeful that things could get better and not worse from here forward. She started counseling to help grieve her loss and come to terms with herself. On several occasions, Bev joined her to improve their relationship and communication skills. CeCe decided not to go back to Athens in the fall as it only brought back painful reminders of a life she was ready to leave behind. She had two semesters left until she graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in political science with a minor in psychology. She confided to her parents that her passion had never been law and pursued the field only to please them. Understandably disappointed in her confession, they allowed her the freedom to choose a career that she could be passionate about with one condition—that it would financially support her. With that permission, CeCe decided to do an abroad study though the university. Over the next two semesters, CeCe would return to Paris where she felt at peace and reveled in the beauty all around her. She agreed to finish the handful of classes to complete her degrees and would volunteer in various areas until she felt a calling. I, of course, did not want to see her leave but knew she needed a new beginning.
That summer, Eric and I kept our relationship a secret to avoid hurting CeCe further. I hung out with him when CeCe was out of town, bonding with her mother for the first time in her life. A part of CeCe’s wildness had tempered itself and she was much more reserved, especially around guys, except for Richie. When Eric, Richie, CeCe, and I hung out that summer she existed with a subdued composure. I wondered if she could see any signs that might hint to something between Eric and I. CeCe had been through so much, I wanted to shield her from any other potential upsets for as long as possible.
My parents threw an end of the summer barbecue for CeCe’s farewell to Paris. Richie and the rest of my brothers bought half a store of fireworks. Most of our family brought a dish to pass. My mother invited Bev and James to come share CeCe’s party. They had only been to our house, for more than only a few minutes once, the day we left for school, in the thirteen years I’d known CeCe. Upon arriving, Bev seemed a bit out of her element as she handed my mother a lemon soufflé that she [actually] made. She then thanked her for being such a good person to her daughter. My mother handed me the soufflé to put on the food table and then reached out to hug Bev, for what seemed like an uncomfortable few minutes for Bev. After she finished hugging her, my mother grabbed her hand and said something I couldn’t hear from where I stood. I knew it was something from the heart as I saw Bev’s eyes mist up. Like her daughter, Bev just needed a friend—someone who would tell her what she did right instead of focusing on what she did wrong. My mother knew how to love people, all kinds of people, in ways most people never achieved in a lifetime. Bev was trying the best she knew how to be the woman that her daughter would be proud to call her mother.
That evening CeCe and I shared a blanket under the fireworks while Lucy found herself comfortable on Bev and James’s laps. I loved, loved, loved CeCe and knew again I would feel her absence while she was in Paris, though I recognized it was for her best. She needed the opportunity to find herself and discover what made her passionate. I snuggled in close and enjoyed the beautiful sparks of color bursting through the late summer sky, with my best friend.