“No, Tanner, it’s all fact. Why can’t you see how dangerous it is for me to love you and your kids? You need to stay far, far away from me.” She stood and looked down at him for a long moment as if she were memorizing his face. “Cassidy has offered to drive me to the farm tomorrow so I can get my car. You need to go home and be with your family.”
“And not come back.” Tanner didn’t phrase it as a question. He saw the answer in her eyes. Keeping his gaze fixed on her, he stood. “You’re breaking my heart.”
“Broken hearts heal, Tanner.”
She turned and walked away. Tanner stayed where he was until she opened a door and vanished into the back rooms. He sank down on the chair and held his head in his hands. In a way, he understood Crystal’s reasoning. He didn’t believe she was jinxed in love, but he could see how she might think that. In her mind all the horrible events of her life had been results of bad choices she’d made. And the most awful part was, he couldn’t argue that point. She’d chosen to obey her father and continue with archery practice, which had resulted in her sister’s death. She’d thought it was safe to take her puppy into the stable, which had resulted in its death. She’d exercised her horse in a pasture that she hadn’t checked for gopher holes, which had resulted in its death. He couldn’t look her in the eye and say that those deaths hadn’t been a direct consequence of decisions she’d made.
Only it was such a messed-up way of thinking. Everyone made mistakes. Tanner couldn’t count how many times he’d decided this or that and regretted it later. It had been Crystal’s misfortune that her mistakes had led to tragedy. He had no doubt that she needed counseling to help her look at her past more logically. As it stood, she was trapped in a web of misconceptions and irrational fear.
He considered staying until she returned to the waiting area. Everything within him yearned to wrap his arms around her, pooh-pooh her foolish notions, and try to heal her with his love. Only that would never work. Crystal alone had the power to heal herself, but until she realized how messed-up her thinking was, she’d probably never seek help.
* * *
Crystal lay on the cot to rest her body if not her mind. Tanner wasn’t the only one whose heart was breaking. She longed to call him and tell him she hadn’t meant a word she’d said. But that would be a lie. She didn’t know why her love rode double with heartbreak, but ever since Mary Ann’s death, that had been the case. Maybe it was God’s way of punishing her for what she’d done to her sister.
Rip whined. Crystal jumped to her feet so fast that her head spun. She stepped over to his cage, and sure enough his eyes were half-open. She called for Cassidy, who’d stayed awake to watch over Rip while the other tech slept. Cassidy emerged from the lab office, where she’d been working on a computer.
“He’s awake!”
Cassidy walked over to look at the dog. Then she smiled. “That’s a good sign. He’s not out of the woods yet, but it’s encouraging. He may be in pain, so I’ll put a little something in his IV to ease him up.”
Crystal watched as the tech administered the medication. Rip drifted back to sleep; then Cassidy washed her hands. Just as she grabbed paper towels, the other technician entered the room. “Your turn to snooze, Cass. I got my four.”
Cassidy laughed. “You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m off to see the sandman.”
After the brunette left, the other tech looked at Rip’s chart and then opened the door of his cage to check his heart. “Strong and steady. He’s a fighter, for sure. We almost lost him on the table.”
She closed the door and latched it. Turning toward Crystal, she flashed a warm smile. Her scrub jacket was wrinkled. Her amber hair, glossy and straight, fell to her shoulders in a tousled bob. “You want some coffee? I could use a double shot straight into a vein.”
Crystal shrugged. “I can’t sleep. Why not?”
* * *
Rip lived through the night. Jack came in the next morning, examined the heeler, and smiled at Crystal. “He’s one hell of a dog. I figured him to be a goner, but he’s going to prove me wrong. His vitals are good. I think he’s going to make it.”
Crystal cupped a hand over her eyes and burst into tears. Jack curled an arm around her. She pressed her face against his scrubs. When her spigots ran dry, she drew back. “I’m sorry. I’m not normally so emotional.”
“You’re exhausted. Last night was a frightening ordeal. Then you were afraid Rip might die. I’d tell you to get a ride home with Cassidy and go straight to bed, but you have bites on both calves. Once you have your car, you should head straight for the ER at St. Matthew’s to start antirabies treatment. Some or all of those coyotes could be rabid. Go. Do it. The world will keep turning without you for a day.”
Crystal knew he was right. Once she got back to her car, she needed to drive to Crystal Falls. But first she needed to see Tuck.
* * *
After picking up her car, Crystal drove to the assisted living center. She found Tuck sitting at a table with Burt and a pink-haired older lady. Burt called the woman sweetie, and she kept batting her false eyelashes at him.
Tuck glanced up, smiled, and invited Crystal to sit down. “I’m sorry Essie ain’t here,” he said. “She’s twice as busy now that she bought this place.”
Crystal didn’t take a seat. “I need to talk to you in private.”
“Uh-oh.” He pushed back in the chair and got up. His eyes narrowed on her face. “You look like hell. How’s about we sit out back? It’s nice out there this time of day.”
Crystal followed him to the patio. A sun-touched breeze wafted over them as they sat beside each other in plastic chairs.
“What’s up? The way you look, it ain’t good.”
Crystal told him about the string of events that had occurred last night. “Jack thinks Rip will make it. I just wanted you to know he’s in a bad way and needs to have visitors. You’re well enough now to drive again. I can take you by the farm so you can pick up your truck.”
Tuck’s gaze grew so intent on her face that Crystal struggled not to fidget. “Why can’t you visit him? I can drive now, but tryin’ to crawl up into that truck won’t be easy.”
She gestured at her legs. “I was bitten by coyotes last night. The wounds aren’t serious, but I have to start a series of antirabies shots. And when I get back, I’ve got to get some sleep. I was up all night.”
“How’s everything goin’ at the salon while you’re gone?”
The question came at her from left field. She had expected a string of questions about Rip or at least a show of concern about her bites. “I don’t know. I haven’t called to check.”
“That ain’t like you.”
Tuck left that observation hanging in the air between them. Finally, Crystal asked, “Where are you going with this, Tuck?”
“You’ve got that look.”
“What look?”
“I’ve come to think of it as the Mary Ann look. You’re pullin’ away from Rip and from me. I see it in your eyes.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“Have you sent Tanner packin’ yet?”
Crystal hated that her grandfather could read her so easily. “That’s my business.”
“That means it’s done. Poor sap. He loves you, Crystal. And I don’t peg him as a man who falls in love easy.”
Crystal sprang to her feet. “Your dog needs you. That’s all I came to say.”
“And now you’re runnin’. How long you gonna keep runnin’, Crystal?”
Tears burned in her eyes. “It’s not like you to be cruel, Tuck.”
“Am I bein’ cruel or just shovin’ the truth under your nose? Sit back down.”
Crystal remained standing.
Her whole body jerked when Tuck jabbed a finger at the vacated chair and roared, “Sit—back—down!”
She sat, but every muscle in her body
was taut with her urge to escape.
“I screwed up, Crystal. The minute I got you to the ranch and had sole custody, I should have taken you to counselin’.”
“I went to counseling in Washington!” Crystal had never told him that, and she wished she’d kept the information to herself now. But words were like toothpaste: once you squeezed it from a tube, you couldn’t push it back in. “The authorities made my parents take me in. But every word I said during a session was recorded, and every word was held against me. Twice a week, they ranted and raved all evening at me for saying bad things about them.”
“Why in the hell would any counselor betray the confidence of a child who needed help like you did?”
“Because my parents told her I was emotionally damaged,” Crystal blurted. “That I was jealous of Mary Ann and wanted her out of the picture so I’d be the only child in the family for them to love.” She felt the bite of her nails digging into her palms. “There was a smidgeon of truth in that, Tuck. I loved my baby sister, but I envied her, too. She was so cute, and I wasn’t. Our father loved her so much that sometimes I felt invisible. There were times when I wondered if anyone would miss me if I disappeared.”
“You never would have harmed Mary Ann.”
Crystal squeezed her eyes closed. “Are you sure about that, Tuck? During those sessions, the doctor almost had me convinced a few times that I had subconsciously wanted my sister gone. Now I can’t be certain that my jealousy of Mary Ann didn’t influence the decisions I made that afternoon. Becoming excellent at archery was the only way I knew to make Daddy feel proud of me, to make him love me. Practicing and showing him my targets at night was important to me. I knew Mary Ann wasn’t allowed to be anywhere near my practice range. I knew it could be dangerous. I also knew she was spoiled and didn’t always mind our parents. Was there some part of me that hoped Mary Ann would dart into the path of my arrow so I could be the only little girl my father could love?”
“Oh, Jesus.” Tuck leaned forward and held his head in his hands. “Oh, sweet Jesus.”
Crystal pushed unsteadily to her feet. “I loved my sister. As an adult, looking back at the child I once was, I don’t believe I intended for Mary Ann to be harmed in any way. But there’s no denying that my choices that afternoon were not about keeping her safe. They were about me and what I wanted. Daddy got upset if I didn’t practice. I always disappointed him. And that hurt, Tuck. Way deep inside me, it hurt so much. Maybe that counselor was right. Maybe she saw an evilness within me that I couldn’t acknowledge then and still can’t now.”
Crystal turned to walk away. Behind her, she heard her grandfather say, “You don’t have an evil bone in your whole body.”
“Maybe not!” she retorted. “All I know is that everyone and everything around me always gets hurt. It wasn’t just Mary Ann. Remember Lucky and Beauty? And last night I added Tori and Rip to the list.”
* * *
On the way back from Crystal Falls, Crystal got a text notification on her cell and pulled over to see that Tanner had sent her a message. She didn’t know if she had the strength to read it, but some perverse part of her nature pressed her to open it.
“I love you,” he wrote. “I hope and pray you can work your way through whatever is tormenting you and find your way back to me. I believe we’re meant to be together, and you once said you believe that, too. Don’t give up on us. Please don’t. Love always, Tanner.”
Crystal closed the message and pulled back onto the two-lane highway. She wanted nothing more than to call him. Only if she got back together with him, it would be disastrous for him and his kids. While talking with Tuck, she had faced the fact that she had emotional issues, really serious emotional issues. She wasn’t sure what to do with that knowledge. Tuck wanted her to get counseling, and she could see why he encouraged that, but her last experience with a psychiatrist had nearly destroyed her. To this day, even though she would have happily died in Mary Ann’s place, she wondered if some sick, blackened part of her had actually wanted her sister gone.
She knew she should call the salon and at least let Nadine know what had happened, but she didn’t think she could talk with anyone right now. Besides, just as Jack had said this morning, the world would keep turning without her for one day, and at the moment, her business and the livelihood it provided didn’t seem important. Nothing did. She felt as if a brutal hand had hollowed her out with a metal scoop, leaving only an awful, horrible ache that radiated from her center to make even her arms and legs throb.
When she got to the house, she stepped inside and stood listening to the silence. This is my future, she thought. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.
For a short while, she had allowed herself to envision her life being different. Sleepovers for Tori. Attending Michael’s games. Cooking special meals for a family. She’d had a man who loved her. She had even had a dog and cat. Now the walls of the farmhouse seemed to mock her. Every room she entered would be empty.
* * *
Essie had been so busy all day she’d barely found time to eat, so she’d looked forward to a quiet dinner in her apartment with Tuck. By seven she had gotten the imagined dinner, but she wasn’t working her way toward the bedroom with the man she loved. Instead she was sitting in the backseat of a taxi on her way to see Crystal. Tuck knew that she was going. After talking to Crystal that afternoon, he believed his granddaughter needed a stern shake-up, and he didn’t have it in him to do it.
As the cab pulled up beside Crystal’s Equinox, Essie saw that there were still lights on inside the house. Here goes nothing. Whether Crystal wished to receive advice or not, she was about to get some.
Essie climbed out of the vehicle and told the driver, “Please wait for me.”
“I can’t do that unless I charge for the time, and that can get really pricey.”
Essie opened her purse and handed him a twenty. “I’m good for it. While you wait, take a nap. You look as if you need one.”
Once inside the gate, Essie crossed the lawn to the porch, thinking a nice walkway was in order. Big holes could hide under grass, and she had no desire to lose her balance and fall. She wanted to enjoy life with Tuck. He’d promised to take her dancing soon. And he also hoped to move his truck to the facility so he could take her for rides into the surrounding mountains for sightseeing adventures. His hip needed only a bit more time to heal, and then he’d be back up to speed. Essie didn’t want to get hurt and delay their plans to have fun.
She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Before she could focus on her life with Tuck, she needed to help Crystal move forward with her own. Sometimes before festering wounds could heal, they had to be lanced so the infection drained out. Essie didn’t like the thought of being the scalpel that sliced through the protective walls Crystal had erected around herself. She never enjoyed causing anyone pain, especially when that person had already endured enough. Nasty business, this. But Essie was determined to do what needed to be done, because Tuck was counting on her.
* * *
Crystal had just taken a shower, and her towel-dried hair hung in damp ropes over her shoulders. She wore only a blue nightshirt. When she heard a rap on the front door, she glimpsed Essie through one of the picture windows. The last thing she wanted right now was company, and at the moment, Essie ranked high on her list of people she least wanted to see. Oh, how she regretted telling Tuck about the counseling sessions she had endured years ago. Crystal had no doubt that her grandfather had shared details about the conversation with Essie, and now the older woman was probably here at Tuck’s behest to talk with her.
The antirabies shot was starting to make Crystal feel a bit feverish, and she had a headache. She’d been told at the hospital that both side effects might occur and that she shouldn’t be alarmed unless she ran a fever of a hundred and four degrees. She hadn’t used an oral thermometer yet. So far, she just felt icky, which was a
small price to pay to avoid getting hydrophobia.
Crystal thought about evading Essie by ducking into her bedroom and pretending she was asleep, but she suspected the other woman had seen her through the glass. Great. She was stuck with answering the door. And then another thought struck her like a thunderclap. Oh, God, what if something had happened to Tuck, and Essie had come to break the news in person?
Crystal ran barefoot across the room and yanked open the door. Essie, smartly attired in a forest green jacket and skirt with matching pumps, stood on the welcome mat. She smiled slightly. “Oh, honey, you look like death warmed over.”
Crystal ignored that. “Is Tuck all right?”
Essie blinked. “He was when I left, yes. You’re the one who looks like she’s been hit by a truck.”
“I’m feeling pretty rough.” Crystal glanced beyond the older woman and saw a black cab parked beside her car. “I don’t want to be rude, but maybe you should signal that driver not to leave. I had my first antirabies injection this afternoon, and I’m experiencing a headache and low-grade fever. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep.”
“I already asked him to wait. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, dear, but this won’t take long.”
Crystal sighed and stepped back to let Essie enter. “You look lovely, as always.”
“Thank you.”
Essie strode past Crystal to the dining table, where she deposited her purse and drew back a chair. Crystal suspected that, for the first time, she was seeing Essie Maxwell Childers, the businesswoman, in action. With an air of absolute confidence, she made herself comfortable and said, “Please, won’t you join me?”
Reluctant, Crystal moved toward the dining area. “Why are you here, Essie? Let’s cut right to the chase, shall we? I’m really not feeling well.”
“I always cut right to the chase,” Essie said with a smile. “I asked the cab driver to wait because I anticipate that you’ll kick me out after you’ve heard what I’ve come to say.”