Crystal sank onto a chair across the table from her. “Essie, I won’t venture a guess as to what you intend to say, but I will ask you to postpone this until I’m feeling better. I’ve had a trying twenty-four hours.”
“This won’t keep, dear. I came to tell you that you are, hands down, the biggest coward I’ve ever met.”
Chapter Twenty
Essie’s voice cut through Crystal like a knife, and being called a coward hurt. She felt as if she’d just been punched in the solar plexus. “What?”
“You heard me. You’re a coward.” Essie leaned forward to brace her arms on the table. “You try to hide that, even from yourself, by pretending that you somehow endanger all the people you care about. But that is such bullshit, I almost need hip waders to trudge through it.”
“It isn’t bullshit.” Anger surged within Crystal, creating molten heat in her chest and the base of her throat. “And how dare you say such a thing to me when you know next to nothing about my reasons for feeling that way?”
“I don’t need to know your reasons. The actual truth is clear to see. As a child, you went through some horrible things, and I can’t blame you for not wanting to endure anything more. But I can’t stand on the sidelines and watch you self-destruct without saying something. You tell yourself that you’ve ended your relationship with Tanner to protect him. You tell yourself that you always manage to harm the people or things you love, so to prevent that from happening, your answer is to not let yourself care. But you’re not protecting Rip by abandoning him, Crystal. You’re not protecting Tanner or his children by ending your relationship. The truth is that you’re actually protecting yourself.”
“That’s preposterous!” Crystal shot up from the chair. “For the time being, this is my home. I don’t have to put up with you coming here and flinging insults at me.”
“Not insults, dear. Only truths that you are too confused to see. Think about it, Crystal. What’s the most surefire way for you to avoid ever feeling heartbroken again? I’ll tell you. If you don’t allow yourself to love anyone or anything, you believe you can’t get hurt. But that isn’t true. The greatest heartbreak of all for you will be in running from life instead of embracing it.” She patted the table, and in a gentler tone, she said, “Sit back down. Just hear me out, and then I’ll leave.”
Crystal’s headache had morphed into what felt like a full-fledged migraine, and she was afraid anger alone had not caused the sensation of fiery heat she felt in her body. She sat, not because she wanted to hear another word Essie said, but because she didn’t have the strength to walk away.
“Tuck told me about your horrible experience with a counselor when you were a child,” Essie said. “It’s unconscionable that a medical professional betrayed your trust and shared everything you said with your parents. And it’s absolutely despicable that the doctor suggested to you in any way that you may have subconsciously wanted to get rid of your sister.”
Feeling drained and weak, Crystal said, “There’s nothing that can be done about that now, and there’s no good that can come from our discussing it.”
“I think you’re dead wrong. Have you done any reading at all about the research that has been done on the power of suggestion?”
“I barely have time for pleasure reading.”
“Well, I’m at the helm of a corporate ship, and that was necessary reading for me. I’ve also hired professionals to train my employees to use the power of suggestion to positively impact subordinates in the workplace.” Essie’s gaze suddenly seemed like a powerful magnet, and Crystal’s eyes felt like metal chips that were inexorably drawn to it. “If I tell a person that a dental procedure he is about to undergo is nightmarishly painful, he is more likely than not to have a very negative experience. If I tell someone that an upcoming test is almost impossible to pass, that person will probably pull a low score. It’s a proven fact that negative power of suggestion sets people up to fail, Crystal.
“That doctor used the power of suggestion on you in the most harmful of ways. I’m guessing your parents convinced her that there was good reason to believe you had deliberately harmed your sister, and her aim was to pry a confession out of you, but it was wrong. You were a grief-stricken child with parents who had turned on her. And you were at an impressionable age when kids develop a sense of self-esteem and identity. It’s during the years from age six to fourteen that children internalize their expectations of themselves, whether they will succeed or fail at certain things. Somehow, dear heart, you developed an expectation not only that you will fail at love, but that your love will also cause harm.”
Essie’s words arrowed straight into Crystal’s heart, and she began to shake with violent tremors that ran through her entire body. Essie jumped up from her chair and circled the table.
“Oh, honey.” Crystal felt the older woman’s arms tighten around her. “You’re burning up. I thought you were just trying to get rid of me when you said you were sick.”
“I w-wanted you t-to leave. I d-didn’t w-want to h-hear this.”
“I’m so sorry. But those things had to be said. You can’t live your life like this. You’ll never be happy, and you deserve to be.”
“D-do I? M-my own f-father hates m-me.”
Essie’s arms cinched tighter. “He isn’t your father. Your mother was pregnant by another man when she married him. Tuck found out after Mary Ann passed away. He never told you. He felt you had endured too much already. Now he regrets that decision.”
Crystal went still, and as she did, she felt as if a missing piece of the puzzle that had been her childhood suddenly fell into place. “Oh, G-God, that’s why he d-didn’t l-love m-me. No matter how h-hard I tried, n-no matter what I d-did, he never l-loved me.”
“I don’t know the man, but I suspect he felt your mother tricked him, and he resented you. It was cruel and selfish of him, but for whatever reason, he punished you for your mother’s betrayal. Not fair, but a lot of things in life aren’t.”
* * *
Crystal awakened with a start to darkness that was broken only by a light coming from the kitchen. She sat up, wondering how she had gotten into bed. The last thing she readily recalled was sobbing her heart out in Essie’s arms.
She reached to turn on her bedside lamp. A note lay on the oak nightstand. With a shaky hand, she picked it up, rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and focused on the elegant handwriting, which reflected the grace and beauty of the woman who’d held the pen.
Dear Crystal:
I know I said horrible things to you, and whether you believe it or not, it was as painful for me as it was for you. You’re such a good person, so loyal to and considerate of your grandfather. I admire you. But I couldn’t stand by and let you ruin the one chance you may have for happiness. Please contact Tanner and tell him you’ll go for counseling. He’s a wonderful man, and I doubt you’ll ever find another one like him. Give him at least some hope that the two of you can build a future together. I’ve asked around. The following psychiatrist has a practice right here in town. He’s young, not a stodgy old man, and he’s reputed to be a respectable counselor. Please follow through on your promise. Call him. See him at least once to find out if you’re comfortable with him. If not, I’ll help you search for someone else.
Crystal stared at the contact information. Jonas Sterling. He was Ben Sterling’s younger brother. He’d set up his practice in Mystic Creek a few months ago, and Crystal had heard good things about him. Only, she couldn’t remember promising Essie that she’d see anyone. She frowned and rubbed her aching forehead. A vague recollection formed in her mind. “Yes, I’ll go, Essie. I promise I’ll go.”
She set the note aside. Stepping into the bathroom, she opened a vanity drawer and fished through the contents to find her thermometer. It was one of those instant gadgets, and moments later she squinted to see the digital readout. Her body temperature was one hundred and
two degrees. Crap. Wasn’t it just her luck to be one of the people who had a reaction to a RIG injection? She stumbled back into the bedroom. Tanner. A wonderful man, Essie had called him. And she was right. Tanner was one of the greatest guys Crystal had ever met.
And I love him with all my heart.
Her cell phone lay on the nightstand. Crystal went to her messages and found at least a dozen from Tanner. As she read them, tears filled her eyes and kept making the letters blur. He said how much he loved her. How much he wanted to have a future with her. How concerned his kids were because she hadn’t been in touch. He’d had to call the veterinary clinic to learn that Rip had survived the night. Tori was especially worried, because she had disobeyed Crystal by leaving the yard. She was afraid Crystal was mad at her.
That last bit hit Crystal dead center in her chest. The child had disobeyed, but in that moment when No Name left the yard, she’d probably not anticipated that he would run from her and go into the woods. She was only eight. When Mary Ann had yelled, “Ha-ha! Fooled you!” had she realized that her actions would result in her death?
Crystal’s mind closed in on itself, just as it always did when she recalled that moment, and the haunting question she could never answer resounded inside her head. As you released that arrow, did you know it would result in Mary Ann’s death? Was there an unacknowledged wish within you to have her gone so your father would love only you?
Crystal tapped her fingertip on the reply line of the message thread and typed, “Please tell Tori I am NOT mad at her. I don’t want her thinking that. Tell her that I love her and I’m very glad she’s taking such good care of No Name.”
* * *
Tanner jerked awake at the musical bing of a text notification. Lying on his side in bed, he reared up on one elbow to check the time. Three o’clock in the morning. It had to be a message from Crystal. He almost fell off the edge of the mattress trying to grab his phone. As he read her missive, she texted again.
“I miss you so much. Essie talked to me, and I’ve decided to go to counseling. Will you give me a little time to get my head on straight?”
He almost leaped to his feet and delivered a victory punch in the air. He texted back, “I love you, Crystal, and you can take all the time you need. You’re worth the wait.”
She wrote back, “Will you give my message to Tori?”
“First thing in the morning when I wake her up to go to Mom’s. I love you.”
“Ditto, ditto, ditto, to the nth degree.”
* * *
By morning Crystal felt better. Her temperature was back to normal, and the fierce headache was gone. She showered and dressed for work, feeling cautiously hopeful about her future. Even though she had put Tanner’s daughter in peril, he still loved her. Everyone around her seemed to think she needed counseling, and though she had avoided seeking any help because of her first experience, she was now willing to give it one more try.
Nadine greeted Crystal with a hug when she arrived at the salon. Expecting to be asked to explain her absence, Crystal was pleased to learn that the Mystic Creek gossip mill was still in fine working order. Everyone knew about the coyote attack, Rip’s consequent injuries, and the necessity of antirabies treatment for both Tori and Crystal.
Crystal went straight to work. Her first customer of the day was Charlie Bogart, who owned Charlie’s Sporting Goods. A large man with a trim build, he had light brown hair and grayish blue eyes. He regaled Crystal with jokes as she gave him a trim. Her second client was Catherine Scott, an attractive natural blonde in her early forties who wore her hair nearly to the waist and preferred a wardrobe with a homespun look. She talked nonstop about her summer vegetable garden as Crystal snipped away her split ends.
By noon Crystal had lost track of how many people she’d serviced and she was weak with hunger. For lunch she went across the street to the Jake ’n’ Bake for a beef calzone with a side salad. Jake had small tables in the display area of his bakery. Needing a break from all the salon’s chemical smells, Crystal sat near a window to eat and entertain herself by watching people come and go along East Main. She nearly choked on a cherry tomato when the bell over the entrance door jangled and Jonas Sterling walked in.
“Hi, Crystal.” A tall, attractive man with burnished skin, hazel eyes, and golden brown hair sorely in need of a trim, he flashed a dazzling grin. “I don’t think I’ve seen you since Barney and Taffy’s wedding. How are you?”
Crystal was wondering if the hand of God was at work. During her lunch hour, she had planned to call Jonas’ office to make an appointment with him. Now here he was. “I’m all right. It’s been a crazy couple of days.”
“I heard.” He shrugged his broad shoulders. “Our small-town grapevine is better than a daily newspaper. Are those antirabies vaccines as horrible as they used to be?”
“No. I had a mild reaction last night, but I’m fine today.”
He ordered a calzone and salad, too, and then sat at her table. “Hope you don’t mind. I always feel conspicuous when I sit by myself.”
“Me, too.”
“Good. I’ve solved the problem for both of us.” He unfolded a napkin and placed it on his lap. “How much do you charge for a haircut? My practice is just taking off, and I’m living on a shoestring. But if I don’t get in to see someone soon, my mother will come after me with clippers.”
Crystal liked Kate Sterling, a small, dark-haired woman with an outgoing personality. “I normally charge fifteen. But given the fact that I meant to call your office today to make an appointment, maybe I can offer you free haircuts in exchange for a discount on your usual hourly fee.”
He had just taken a bite of his calzone, which he tucked into his cheek. “That sounds great. I tried getting a really short cut so I wouldn’t need a trim again soon, but I hate the white-sidewall look. Makes me want to wear a skullcap.”
Crystal smiled. She could see why Jonas was good at what he did. He had a way of making people relax, and he wasn’t afraid to reveal who he really was. “Well, no more short cuts, then. You can see me for a trim as often as you like.”
“How soon do you want an appointment?”
“Yesterday.”
His cheek creased in a grin. “Can’t do yesterday, but I’m wide-open this afternoon.”
“I work until six. I’ll juggle appointments and arrange for a time later.”
“Six would be great, actually. I’ll order in a pizza, and we can talk over a simple dinner. What’s your favorite topping?”
Crystal couldn’t imagine herself baring her soul over pizza, but at the same time, it sounded better than a clinical environment. “I like everything but anchovies.”
* * *
Jonas’ office was located in the living space above the Straw Hat on West Main. The restaurant owner, José Hayden, resided in his childhood home, once owned by his deceased mother, so he had used the upstairs flat for storage until recently, when he’d started leasing it out. Crystal finished with her clients fifteen minutes early, so she decided to walk. She hoped the exercise would help her relax for her first meeting with Jonas. Choosing him as her counselor had seemed like a good idea at first, but now she was having second thoughts. He was a local and came from a large family. If he told anyone what she shared with him, everyone in town would know about her past.
She all but ran through the busy restaurant to reach the stairway that led up to his flat and was relieved when none of the diners seemed to notice her. Jonas answered her knock and ushered her inside. “Sorry about the in-home office. It’s all I can afford right now.”
Crystal glanced around what had originally been a living room but was now an office–living area combo. A painting of a fawn held court over his sofa. She glimpsed another oil, of a mountain stream lined with clusters of aspen. His decorator had aimed for a soothing atmosphere.
“This is fine, Jonas. I know how hard it
is to get a business on its feet.”
“Boy howdy, you can say that again.” He drew open a trifold privacy screen in front of his desk and gestured for her to sit in a cushiony leather armchair with her back to it. “José will have our pizza delivered. The screen will block you from view. Having a shrink is a status symbol only in Hollywood.”
Crystal couldn’t help but laugh. She liked this man more by the minute. She guessed him to be in his late twenties, probably two or three years younger than she was. “Actually, I am a bit worried, not so much about people knowing I need counseling, but more about what I reveal to you being bandied around town.”
“That won’t happen. Anything you tell me will never be shared with anyone.”
Crystal relaxed. The firm tone of his voice reassured her. “I saw a psychiatrist when I was eleven. She told my parents every word I said.”
“That was cruel. Who was this gal?”
“I don’t recall her name. She practiced in the state of Washington.”
Jonas sighed. “Well, I’m sorry she did that, and I’m surprised you found the courage to see me.” He sat across from her and leaned back in his chair. His stomach growled, and he placed a large hand over his midriff. “Excuse me. My lunch wore off hours ago.” He winked at her. “You can trust me. Whether I can help you remains to be seen, but I can promise you absolute confidentiality. So, to get the ball rolling, what brings you here? Is it the same issue after all these years?”
“Yes.” An ache took up residence at the base of her throat. “When I was eleven, I killed my little sister. I shot her with an arrow, straight in the heart.”
His gaze locked on hers. “Pardon me for asking this, but I really need to know. Was it an accident, or did you do it deliberately?”
Crystal swallowed. “I hope that’s what you’ll eventually be able to tell me, Jonas. I don’t think I did it on purpose, but the doctor I saw back then suggested that I subconsciously wanted to get rid of my sister. That left me”—she gestured limply with her hand—“confused and no longer absolutely sure it was really an accident.”