“My best is never quite good enough.”
“I don’t doubt it. My best is never quite good enough, either.”
“I was hoping for some advice, Jonas.”
He chuckled. “You aren’t here for advice. The whole point is for you to come up with your own answers. What do you think you should do?”
“All I know for sure is that I don’t want to lose Tanner and his kids.”
“Then make sure you don’t.”
“Part of me wants to jump back in with both feet. Another part of me is afraid I’ll crash and burn. And what if something bad happens to him or one of his kids because of me?”
“Ah, so we’re back to the boogeyman in the closet, are we? How do you defeat him, Crystal?”
“Open the door and face him.”
“You have to do the same thing with your fears. If you crash and burn, I’ll be here to listen. My hair grows half an inch a month.”
* * *
The next afternoon, Crystal texted Tanner and asked him to meet her that evening by the old oak tree where they still hid notes for each other. For the rest of her shift, she agonized over what she should say. She hadn’t engaged in an actual conversation with him in so long. What if it was uncomfortable to talk with him again? That was why she hadn’t invited him into the house. If the meeting didn’t go well, it would be easier to end it out by the tree.
Crystal left in plenty of time to get home before Tanner arrived, or so she thought. When she reached the farmhouse, his delivery van was already parked out front. She saw Tanner leaning against the old oak, looking so wonderful that tears sprang to her eyes. At this time of year, he wore brown uniform shorts, which showcased his well-muscled legs. She climbed out of the Equinox and walked slowly toward him. She stopped about three feet away.
“I know I’ve hurt you, Tanner. I’m so sorry about that.”
Tanner said nothing. He just closed the space between them and drew her into his arms. Never had anything felt so perfect. “I’ve missed you so much,” she confessed. “I’m still seeing Jonas. It’s mostly like talking to myself, voicing all the things I feel and already know. I’ve learned a lot about myself, but some things will always remain a mystery. There’s one thing I’m absolutely certain of, though: I don’t want to lose you and your children.”
He tightened his embrace and swayed from side to side. “One thing I’m absolutely certain of is that you won’t. In order for me to be happy, I need you in my life. And so do my kids.”
He bent his head to nuzzle her neck. “You feel so good. I’d almost forgotten how fabulous it is to have you in my arms. And I see one really positive sign that the sessions with Jonas are helping. You took a step in the right direction, toward me. I love you, Crystal. I don’t expect you to be perfect.”
“That’s good, because I’m not. I never will be. I’ve come to understand that none of us come with a mistake-proof label.” She looked up into his expressive blue eyes and wondered how she’d managed to stay away from him so long. “Will you come sit on the porch with me?”
He grasped her hand and walked with her to the veranda. When they were seated next to each other, he started to put his arm around her. “Please, don’t. I can’t think clearly when you’re touching me.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to think. Maybe I hope you’ll just follow your heart.”
“That would be easy. Making wise decisions isn’t, and I want to be sure you’re making wise ones.”
She reached over for his hand. He turned his wrist to encompass her fingers with his longer and stronger ones. She stared at the sky. “Can we just talk for a while? Not about anything in particular.”
He ran his thumb over her skin, lighting up her nerve endings in a way no other man ever had. “How’s Rip doing?” he asked. “I try to stop and see him during my lunch breaks, but most days I cram down a sandwich and get back to work so I can get home earlier.”
“He’s doing great. Jack kept him on the alcohol-withdrawal medication at the clinic, and he is now officially on the wagon. He loves being with Tuck and Essie. You should take Tori and Michael to visit him. I doubt he’s strong enough to fetch sticks yet, but he would love to go for a walk. He adores those kids.”
“Maybe we can do that together soon.”
“Yeah. I miss him so much. I’d like that.”
He sighed. “I, um, have some news. Quite a lot, actually. While we weren’t seeing each other, I was busy.”
“Doing what?”
“Well, on the Rip front, I bought his son for Tori and Michael.”
For an instant, Crystal thought she’d misunderstood him. “You what?”
“I delivered a package three days ago and walked into a yard where I encountered an eight-week-old blue heeler pup that has all Rip’s quirks. He’s got the same blaze on his forehead, and he has the toll-cookie game down pat. His mama is a purebred. The woman who owns her described Rip right down to the curry-colored toe on his left rear foot. Said he came calling one afternoon when the female was in heat.”
“Are you serious? Rip fathered puppies?”
“Yep. And years ago, Tuck somehow got Rip registered with the AKC, and he dug up the paperwork for me. That made the woman happy. She can sell the pups for a lot more. She gave me a discount because I gave her a copy of his registration.”
“You paid good money to get the kids a dog that will probably be a total pain for the next fourteen years?”
Tanner chuckled. “Yep. I already asked Tuck to teach him obedience. He’ll be a train wreck in some ways, but I think he’ll be wonderful with the kids.” He gave her a questioning look. “If you hate the idea, I’ll forfeit the money, and we can get some other kind of dog. A nice, easy kind of breed.”
Crystal envisioned Rip. His face. How he’d dived into that pack of coyotes to save Tori’s life with no thought for himself. “No. If I raise a dog, I want one that will take on a grizzly to protect our children.”
Tanner nodded. “My thoughts exactly.”
Crystal smiled. “A baby Rip. What do the kids want to name him?”
“Hercules.”
“Oh, I like that.”
“Me, too. Tori wanted to name him Heracles, the actual Greek name, but Michael threw a fit.”
Crystal smiled. “That child is going to think circles around both of us.”
“Probably. But there’s one other thing I need to bring up. Tuck says he’ll never leave the facility now that Essie owns it, so I asked him if he’d sell us this house. He said yes. I think it’s a perfect place to raise a family. What do you think?”
“So you knew all along?” She studied his face, which had become so dear. “You knew I’d reach this point.”
“No. Sometimes you roll the dice and spring forward, Crystal. Just like Tuck did. Just like Rip did. I love you. Win or lose, what choice was there for me to make?”
She stared at him through tears. “I love you, too, and once that happens, there isn’t a choice, is there?”
His eyes delved deeply into hers. “Oh, yeah. We still have decisions to make, and I need a forever house here before I move my kids. I think this place is it.”
Crystal imagined a fire on the patio on a warm summer night. And the farmhouse would create a postcard-perfect setting for white Christmases. It was a home originally designed for a large family, and Crystal had become acutely aware of that while living here alone.
“I agree,” she said. “It’s a perfect place to raise kids. And Rip’s son.”
He sighed. “I’ve enjoyed all your letters. I’ve gotten to know you so much better. I understand now how people can fall in love with each other online. They can reveal all the important things about themselves before they ever meet.”
“Do you honestly still love me now that you’ve read all that and know how screwed up I am?”
His gaze held hers. “I love you even more. And you’re not screwed up. You’re amazing.”
Silence fell between them. Finally, he asked, “Where are we going, Crystal? We’ve discussed a family dog, and we agree that we should buy this house. But what’s the next real step for you and me?”
She stared at the sky. “Do you ever wish God would write answers up there?”
He joined her in studying the blue expanse above them. “If He did, all of us would know exactly what to do, and life wouldn’t be such an adventure. Instead He allows us to make our own decisions and mistakes.”
“I make more mistakes than most people.”
“No, you don’t. Not really. Tori has said things to me about that night in the woods. One evening I popped off to my mom about those coyotes being vicious, and Tori chimed in to tell me you said they weren’t really mean, only hungry. That they saw Rip and No Name as food, not as our little friends.”
“So?”
He cast her a sidelong glance. “I was blown away. You’d lifted my little girl up into a tree to keep her safe. You’d been bitten by possibly rabid coyotes. Rip was torn to pieces and bleeding to death. But you still had the presence of mind to prevent my child from being terrified of coyotes for the rest of her life.”
“I know firsthand how bad experiences can affect kids.”
“The point is that you kept a level head.”
Crystal fell quiet to assimilate that. “Okay, I suppose that’s true. Yay. I did one thing right.”
“You did a lot of things right. If a hundred women were lined up in front of me and I had to choose only one to be with my daughter in a wilderness area, it would be you.” He leaned over to kiss her forehead. “You’d protect her with your life, and you’d do your best not to let the frightening stuff scar her emotionally.”
“I made one huge mistake that night.”
“No. Tori did when she disobeyed you. You did damage control, and as I see it, you did a damned good job of it. Not every woman would wade into a pack of coyotes in a killing frenzy with only a flashlight as a weapon. Don’t you realize how astounding that was?”
“I’ve never really looked at it that way. I’m not brave, Tanner. I guess I was running on pure adrenaline.”
“You’re brave, and that night you were extremely brave.”
She searched his sun-burnished countenance. “I was afraid to love you. I was afraid to love your kids. I’m not brave. I’m a coward.”
“You allowed yourself to love us, anyway. Even though you were afraid. Even though you had every reason to run the other direction. You loved us, anyway. Spring forward with me, Crystal.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Life isn’t a destination. It’s a journey. Sometimes we have to spring forward and take it on just like Tuck and Rip did. Did Tuck hesitate when he took you home? Hell, no. And did Rip hesitate when you yelled, ‘Spring forward’? Hell, no. Rip knew Tori’s life was at stake. He just dived in. He recognized the odds. That dog isn’t stupid. But he loved her so much it didn’t matter. He sprang forward, because in the end, what else really counts except giving it our best shot? Maybe we’ll get the shit kicked out of us. Maybe we’ll win most of the battles and lose a few along the way, but if we stand together, we’ll make it.”
Crystal had already decided that she wanted to make a life with this man and his children, but still buried within her was that boogeyman in the closet. “What if I make awful mistakes?”
“What if I do? It’s not the mistakes that matter. What matters is making enough good decisions to make it to the finish line.” He shifted closer to her. “I love you. Do you love me?”
“Yes.”
“Then spring forward with me. Love me with everything you’ve got for as long as you can. Let’s take on the challenges together and be as brave as Rip. If he’d hesitated that night, Tori could have been killed. We shouldn’t hesitate, either. I don’t know about you, but if I can’t be with you, a part of me will die.”
Crystal felt as if she stood on a precipice and someone was about to push her over the edge. Only if she fell, it would be straight into Tanner Richards’ arms. How could that end badly?
He tipped his head and kissed her lightly on the lips. That single brush of their mouths made her heart pound. “I can’t guarantee bad things won’t happen,” he told her. “I’ll make mistakes. You’ll make mistakes. Life and everything it dishes out can be both brutal and wonderful. But if people love each other, the wonderful stuff outweighs all the bad.”
“And without the wonderful, what do any of us really have?” she asked.
He looped an arm around her shoulders and pressed his cheek against hers. “Does that mean you’ll spring forward with me?”
She hugged his neck. “Yes. You’re my taste of wonderful, Tanner. So are your kids.”
Before she could anticipate what he meant to do, he scooped her up in his arms, stood, and carried her into the house.
“For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health.” He stopped outside her bedroom door. “Even wedding vows allow for the fact that our life together won’t be perfect.”
“No, life is never perfect,” she agreed. “But in between the moments of chaos or despair, maybe we can aim for almost perfect.”
“Now you’re talking. Almost perfect works for me.”
As Tanner carried her toward the bed, she knew he was the only man in the world for her. And as he began making love to her moments later, every touch of his hands on her body told her that she was the only woman in the world for him. No matter what challenges the future held in store, they would face them together.
And together they would be a winning team.
Don’t miss
THE CHRISTMAS ROOM,
a heartwarming contemporary romance filled with homespun good cheer, available now!
As Kirstin Conacher led the way to her table, she was acutely aware of the man behind her. He’d caught her attention the moment he entered the building—muscular, six feet of handsome, with tousled hair that gleamed like the well-varnished knotty pine bar. His eyes were a radiant sky blue, and he had a burnished tone to his skin that pegged him as an outdoor enthusiast. She could tell with only a look that he was no stranger to physical labor, and she’d been impressed by the easy, warm way he conversed with Trish. No fake charm, no canned lines. She found the sense of authenticity that he gave off very refreshing. There was also something vaguely familiar about him, but she couldn’t recall ever having met him.
Oh, Kirstin, she mentally scolded herself, what on earth were you thinking to hit on him like that? Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. So what if she’d been searching for the right guy for six years and could hear her biological clock ticking? That was no excuse for her to be so forward. Normally she waited for a man to hit on her, not the other way around.
She resumed her seat, where a martini, extra dirty and straight up, still awaited her. In Kirstin’s opinion, Trish made the best one in the valley. Only she hadn’t come here for an afternoon drink. The martini was merely one of her stage props. She’d learned over time that men in bars tended to steer clear of a lone woman having a soda. A recognizable mixed drink seemed to spur on conversation.
Cam took a stool across from her. “Have you already ordered?”
She met his gaze, and a tingling sensation moved up her spine. That surprised her. She’d met dozens of handsome men, but she’d never felt like this. “Yes. The cook seems to be dragging his feet today.”
“Come here often?”
“Not that often.” Liar, liar, boots on fire. She came to the Cowboy Tree as often as she was able to escape from her dad’s ranch for a couple of hours. The male patrons tended to be landowners who put in an honest day’s work. She knew most of them, and unfortunately, they also knew her. Local men didn’t mess with Sam Conach
er’s daughter. She kept hoping for a stranger to drop in, someone wonderful who wouldn’t know about her dad. “Are you new to the valley?”
“Oh, yeah.” He flashed a dazzling grin that creased his lean cheeks and displayed straight white teeth. “Anyone whose family hasn’t been in the valley for three generations is a newcomer, or so I’m told. It’ll be years before I earn the privilege of being recognized as a Bitterrooter.”
She bent her head and toyed with her olive pick. Her cheeks went warm again. When she looked up, she said, “I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression. I don’t habitually hit on guys.”
A twinkle danced in his eyes. “Did you hit on me? It went over my head. I guess I need to get out more.”
“My name’s Kirstin.”
“Cam.”
“I know. I heard Trish talking with you after you came in. Short for Cameron?”
“Yep. Cameron McLendon.”
Her fingers tightened on the olive pick. “Scottish?”
“Only half. My mom’s Irish.”
Kirstin’s father was a Scot, and he was the most stubborn, irascible man she’d ever known. He hadn’t always been that way, though. The death of her mother six years earlier had changed him. “Well, half Scottish or not, you seem nice.”
He chuckled. “I take it you have a low opinion of Scots.”
“Not really. Just a difficult experience with one in particular.” She took a sip of her drink. “So, Cameron McLendon, tell me about yourself.”
He smiled. “Boring story.”
“So is mine, I’m afraid, but to get acquainted, we have to start somewhere, and I asked first.”
He chuckled. “Want me to get two toothpicks so you can prop your eyelids open?” He followed the question with a sigh. “Okay, here goes. I got a job opportunity with Long Barrel Ranches, and I’ve wanted to live here or in northern Idaho most of my adult life. It was finally my chance to chase my dreams, so I took the position.”
“I’m not bored yet. Keep talking.”