Just then someone knocked on the door. “There’s our pizza.” He got up and skirted his desk. “Maybe I should order a bottle of Rolaids for dessert.”
* * *
Crystal left Jonas’ flat two hours later, feeling as if she’d just chatted with a good friend. He was as down-to-earth as leather boot soles, and he was delightfully direct. After only one session, she felt as if a thousand pounds had been lifted off her heart. He had asked her, point-blank, if she’d ever had dreams about Mary Ann dying prior to the accident that took her life. Crystal couldn’t recall ever having a single dream like that, but she did confess to sometimes feeling frustrated or angry with Mary Ann, and envious of her church-angel cuteness.
Jonas had laughed and said, “Anybody who says he never felt angry with a sibling is either abnormal or a liar. There were times when I wanted to punch one of my brothers in the face, and my little sisters drove me nuts. I felt frustrated and angry a lot. As for feeling jealous? My dad had four boys, one right after another, and then he got two adorable girls. Adriel and Sarah were masters at manipulating him. All of us boys felt a little jealous now and again. It’s perfectly normal.”
“So feeling a little jealous isn’t a prelude to murder?”
“Of course not, and you should put that concern out of your mind. You’ve told me about feeling frustrated and angry, but you haven’t talked about moments of mindless rage. Typically, a kid will commit acts of lesser violence prior to totally losing it and taking someone’s life. I’ll also point out that while our subconscious minds can induce us to behave in certain ways, they cannot compel us to do anything we wouldn’t do while fully conscious. Proven fact. Since you never consciously wanted Mary Ann dead, the psychiatrist who suggested that you might have killed her because of subconscious urges was absolutely wrong.”
“So it was definitely an accident?”
“You tell me. Did you ever once consciously wish that Mary Ann was dead?”
“No. Never. I didn’t even wish that she’d get hurt.”
“Then it’s extremely unlikely that you deliberately harmed her. That psychiatrist should have lost her license. I can only hope she’s retired now and no longer practices. People like her do more harm than good.”
“What about my decision to continue shooting at targets when my sister wanted me to play with her instead? Could my subconscious have pushed me to keep going so that she might run into my line of fire? Was there some part of me that wanted her gone even though I couldn’t deliberately take her life?”
A sad smile touched Jonas’ firm mouth. “Crystal, that doctor really did a number on you. The power of suggestion can be a fabulous tool to effect positive change, but when misused, the tactics can plant seeds of doubt, set people up for failure, and make them horribly self-conscious of physical flaws they don’t even have. If that psychiatrist had suggested to you repeatedly that your nose looked like an eagle’s beak, you probably would have spent a fortune on rhinoplasty by now.” He held up a hand. “You have a beautiful nose. Get your fingers off it.” He laughed. “Damn. You’re an easy mark. We need to work on that once you get everything else figured out.”
Remembering that, Crystal smiled. Her father, whom she now knew was not her father, had told her she had a straight-edged nose, and he hadn’t meant it as a compliment. Even though Nadine and Shannon now said that her nose was a near duplicate of Kate Middleton’s, Crystal still felt self-conscious. Jonas had her pegged right: she was vulnerable to the power of suggestion.
As she drove home a few minutes later, she almost called Tanner to tell him about her first session with Jonas. But she decided it would be easier to share the details in writing. It was oddly exhilarating to have put to rest that one troubling concern and feel free of it after so many years. She had not deliberately killed her sister. Feeling so much better gave her hope that Jonas could eventually help her to let go of everything that had governed her life for so long.
Crystal had been too tense during the talk with Jonas to eat, so he had sent her home with four slices of pizza wrapped in foil. Once in the house, she kicked off her shoes, reheated the food, and poured herself a glass of wine. Then while she nibbled and sipped, she penned a letter to Tanner, describing in detail her conversation with Jonas and how each exchange had made her feel.
When the missive was finished, she texted Tanner. “I wrote you a letter. You’ll find it in the tree. XXXOOO.”
* * *
Tanner left for Mystic Creek early the next morning. He wanted to pick up the letter from Crystal and park somewhere along a road to read it before he began his route. When he drew the envelope out of the old oak, he was surprised by how thick it felt. He had expected a short letter. Instead she’d written what felt like the chapter of a book.
Since her car was gone, he read the letter parked in front of the farmhouse. Some of her revelations made his heart ache. Others made him smile, albeit a bit sadly. After reading to the end, he sighed. It appeared to him that she’d taken the first step forward, and he couldn’t help but hope that Jonas Sterling could help her find her way to a sense of peace. Even if she couldn’t be with Tanner again, he wanted her to be happy.
That afternoon Tanner went to the veterinary clinic during his break to visit Rip. The dog lifted his head and wagged his snub tail. Tanner took a picture of him for Tori. The little girl had expressed feelings of guilt over Rip’s injuries. The heeler wouldn’t have been hurt if she hadn’t disobeyed Crystal by leaving the yard. Tanner wondered if anyone had bothered to comfort Crystal after her sister’s death. He doubted it, and he didn’t want to make that mistake with his daughter. It was a fine line to walk as a parent, though. Tori needed to understand that adults made rules for a reason, mostly to ensure a child’s safety, and there could be serious consequences if she disobeyed. On the other hand, he didn’t want to instill within her a lifelong sense of responsibility for what had happened to Rip.
He had decided not to make light of Tori’s disobedience or deny that she had led Rip into a dangerous situation. Instead he focused on life being a series of important lessons that everyone had to learn. As an example, he had used the mistake he’d made by driving the company van for personal reasons and drawn a comparison between that and Tori’s disobeying Crystal to keep No Name safe. They had each broken a rule to help a friend. Neither of them had intended any harm, but in the end, rules existed for good reasons, and breaking them often resulted in unpleasant and sometimes awful consequences.
After finishing his route, Tanner decided to drive back to the farmhouse and write a letter to Crystal about Tori. He found a piece of paper in the van and wrote a single-spaced letter, explaining his thoughts about Tori’s feelings of guilt, his reluctance to gloss over her disobedience, and how he was trying to handle it. Given Crystal’s experience with guilt, he asked for her opinion and guidance on how to deal with his daughter. He also praised Crystal for her courage in seeking help from Jonas Sterling and told her that he prayed with almost every breath he took that her counseling journey into the past would lead her forward into a beautiful future with him.
Before driving back to Crystal Falls, he texted Crystal and told her to look in the tree for a letter from him when she got home. As he drove away, he decided he really liked communicating with her this way. When a person put feelings into words, he had plenty of time to think, back up and reword, or scratch out sentences that didn’t properly express them. Verbal exchanges demanded quick thinking and didn’t always allow for soul-searching.
* * *
Crystal couldn’t wait to get home to read Tanner’s letter, but after her session with Jonas last night, she needed to visit Rip first. It wasn’t that she no longer felt guilty for giving him the attack command or that she had stopped questioning the necessity of doing so. It was more that she already had too many regrets and didn’t want any more. Rip needed to see her. And she needed to let the dog know how much s
he still loved him, just in case he died. Jack believed the heeler was on his way to recovery, but he’d also made it clear that this period of time was fraught with dangers. The dog could still develop complications. He wasn’t out of the woods yet.
When Crystal approached Rip’s cage, he lifted his head, wagged his stump tail, and growled. She laughed even as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Will you always be impossible?”
His bark was a ghost of the sound he’d once made, revealing how weak he still was, but at least his spirit was strong. Crystal opened the cage door to pet him. It was difficult to find a place where her touch wouldn’t hurt him.
“I love you, Rip.”
He growled.
“And I know you love me.”
Another growl.
“All that aside, Mr. Tough Guy, I just want to tell you that Tori and No Name wouldn’t be alive if not for you. And you also need to know that little girl will never forgive herself if you give up and die.” She leaned inside the cage, pressing her shoulders against the doorframe as she whispered, “Neither will I, Rip. Please don’t leave me with that sadness. Get well. Spring forward. Live life to its fullest for at least another seven years. We wouldn’t know what to do without you.”
The dog lifted his head and licked the tears from her cheeks. Crystal closed her eyes. Then she took a bracing breath and drew back. “When you’re released, you’ll be going home with Tuck. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Okay? You’ll be happier with him and Essie.”
“That ain’t true, but I’m sure glad to see you here visitin’ him.”
She almost jumped out of her skin. She turned to find Tuck standing behind her. “You scared me out of ten years’ growth.”
“Didn’t mean to. Just pleased as punch to see you.” Tuck spread his arms, stepped forward, and gave her one of his fabulous hugs. “How you feelin’?” he asked as he released her. “Essie told me you weren’t doin’ so good after that rabies shot.”
“I had a reaction, but I was much better by morning.”
“I’m glad.” Tuck looked past her at the dog. “Hey, you, Rip. You’re lookin’ better today.”
“You came yesterday?”
Tuck stepped in close to cautiously pet his dog. “Sure did. Hired a cab. Not quite ready for that truck yet. I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ some runnin’ boards for it.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Yep.” He smiled over his shoulder at her. “Make it easier for Essie, too. We don’t got as much bounce as we used to.”
Crystal was glad that she’d had time alone with Rip to speak from her heart. She figured maybe Tuck needed some one-on-one time, too. “I should go. I have a load of laundry to do tonight. Been a long day.”
“Not quite yet,” Tuck said. “Give me a minute, and I’ll meet you in the waiting room to walk you out.”
Crystal nodded. “Bye, Rip. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
When she reached the waiting room, she kept going until she’d exited through the front doors and could stand outside to enjoy the heat of the setting sun and the fabulous smells of an early-summer evening. At the center of the front lawn, a silver maple grew, its mottled white bark striking a contrast to the backdrop of green. In only minutes Tuck joined her. They stood in silence for a moment.
Then Tuck said, “I want to say I’m sorry for never tellin’ you the truth about the man you believed was your father. I should’ve, but you were still just a girl, and I wasn’t sure if you even knew how babies got made.”
Crystal thought back. “Hmm. I’m not sure, either, Tuck. If you’d told me right away, I might have been confused. Maybe saying nothing was the better choice.”
“Maybe. But at some point you grew up. I could’ve told you then, and I didn’t. You weren’t with him and your mama anymore. I kind of felt like I’d be diggin’ up old garbage.”
“True. By then I had moved on.” Crystal looped her arm through his and leaned her head against his shoulder. “I didn’t need my father by then. I had you to love me.”
“And I loved you a powerful lot. Still do.”
“I love you, too, Tuck. And, please, don’t worry about things you didn’t do back then. What you did do was more than enough.”
* * *
When Crystal got home, she ran to the oak tree. She found Tanner’s letter, a neatly folded piece of paper with writing on both sides that she couldn’t wait to read. Moments later she sat at the dining room table, savoring every word he’d written and feeling connected to him by his masculine scrawl in a way she wouldn’t have while reading a text or email. She approved of his decisions about how to handle Tori. She could only wish that she’d had a father like him: someone who looked at all the angles, made careful judgments, and loved her without condition. Even though Tori had lost her mother at so early an age, she was still a lucky little girl.
After heating a can of soup for dinner, Crystal fetched some paper and a pen to reply to Tanner’s letter. First she told him that she believed he was right on target with how he was dealing with Tori. As she moved on to share more personal thoughts about herself, she chewed as much on the end of the writing implement as she did on the bits of beef in the bowl. It was cathartic to describe her feelings and the events that had led her to have them. While attempting to explain everything to Tanner, she was, in a weird way, learning to understand all of it herself.
She was to meet again with Jonas tomorrow evening. She had a feeling he would approve of this letter-writing business. It helped her recall moments in her life and analyze them dispassionately, as if the child she wrote about had been someone else.
She felt sorry for the little girl she described to Tanner: a tall child with bushy bright red hair, sharp features, toothpick appendages, and a yearning to be loved that had been bigger than she was. While composing those descriptions, she felt as if she were seeing snapshots of her past in a different and unforgiving light, and as she purged her heart with a pen, she was able to see her parents as the individuals they’d actually been. Not even Mary Ann, the adorably cute daughter, had gotten a fair shake. They’d showered her with attention one moment and been self-absorbed the next, leaving Mary Ann to depend on Crystal for the stability every child needed.
Crystal wished that she could create a copy of this letter for Jonas to read, but because she’d written it to Tanner, the man she loved, there were personal mentions that she couldn’t share. When she finished writing, she texted Tanner and told him she had left him a message in the tree. He texted back almost instantly, which told her he anxiously awaited any contact from her.
I’ll pick it up first thing in the morning. I wish I could hear your voice, though. When you feel ready, maybe you can call me. I love you. Always will. Don’t forget that.
Crystal knew she would never forget. The problem for her was learning to love him back without feeling terrified.
Chapter Twenty-one
A month and a half passed, and August heat had descended upon Mystic Creek. Rip had been released from the clinic last week and was now staying with Tuck and Essie at the facility. Crystal had been going to see him there as often as she could. His limp wasn’t pronounced, and Tuck predicted it would go away entirely over time. Fur had grown in around his incisions to help hide the scars. Eventually he would look almost like his old self again.
Barney Sterling had called to tell Crystal that the results of the DNA had finally been sent in. There was a positive match with specimens taken from the Medford murder scene. The man who’d entered Crystal’s bedroom and rifled her lingerie drawers was a killer. Crystal’s skin crawled when she got that news. That night when she’d stood in the bathtub ready to swing a rolling pin, her life could have been in danger. And Rip, bless his heart, had somehow sensed that and been ready to protect her with his own.
Crystal had always loved summer, but she could find no pleasure in it this y
ear. She longed to be with Tanner and his kids, enjoying the sultry evenings and hearing the children’s voices as they ran and played. Only, she wasn’t sure she was ready. If she rushed back into a relationship with Tanner and then started having misgivings again, it would be disastrous, not only for her, but also for Tanner and his family.
She finally decided to discuss the situation with Jonas during one of her counseling sessions. When he learned that she had put a wonderful relationship on hold, he asked, “What are you thinking, Crystal? If you’re sure he’s Mr. Right, doing this could put your future with him in jeopardy.”
Crystal already knew that. Tanner loved her. Of that, she felt certain. But she couldn’t expect him to wait forever while she waffled. “I feel ready now to move on. Mostly. But isn’t it better to risk losing him than to jump back into a relationship too soon and possibly hurt him again?”
Jonas folded his arms and gave her a thoughtful study. “What are you afraid of, exactly?”
“Making bad choices. Not thinking of every possibility and letting his kids do something potentially dangerous. Discovering that I can’t be all that he needs me to be. Breaking his heart again. Getting mine broken again. Maybe I should make a list.”
“I get the picture. You want to be sure nothing will go wrong. But the problem with that is, there are no guarantees. Not for any of us. This is life. It’s a trial run. There’ll be ups, and there’ll be downs. You’re bound to make mistakes as a parent. All of us do. Does that mean we can’t be wonderful parents? No. We learn lessons as we go along, and eventually, when the kids are about thirty, we think we know it all. Then we turn right around and make mistakes with our grandkids. We’re human. None of us is perfect.”
“Not everyone is terrified, though.”
He sighed. “That’s true, and you shouldn’t be, either. You’re a good person. You’ll do your best. That’s all any of us can do.”