"That sucks." I hate how boring I sound.
"Anyway, I have an opening today at around three. Last minute cancel. Do you think you could make it?"
I was hoping for tomorrow, honestly, if only to try to prepare myself mentally a bit more. But there is no way to say no to this. If I want to learn how to be a fully functioning human being again, throwing myself into things is going to be the best bet.
"Sounds great."
"See you then, Jenny."
We hang up, and I stare at the phone. See you then, Jenny. I like the way my name rolls off his tongue. He could do voice overs. I shake my head and shoot Kathy a text. Now it is time to get ready.
***
We hit traffic again. When Kathy had wanted to leave almost an hour early to get somewhere twenty minutes away, according to my phone's GPS, I had thought she was pulling my leg. But no, she is right, as usual. I should learn to stop doubting her when it comes to the traffic in Hollywood.
Kathy peppers me with advice and it makes my head feel crowded. I know she means well, but it is just making my nerves worse. I am grateful for her help with the outfit though. While I don't look as well dressed as most people in the city, at least I don't look like I did when I got off the plane yesterday.
"Jon is very direct," Kathy is saying to me and I try to focus on her as we hit another red light. "Some people can find it off putting, but I found it helpful."
"Why didn't you just go back to him when his family emergency was done?"
Something flickers across Kathy's face - it is so quick that I figure I must have imagined it because in the next second, she is smiling. "I had signed on with this new agent and it was just too much of a hassle to move back."
I nod, looking outside the window again. I miss my own car. I wish I hadn't had to sell it. When you have enough money, I promise myself, although I don't know when that will actually be. I run my fingers over my skirt, trying to recite Kathy's advice to me. As if sensing my nerves, she falls silent, too.
We pull up into an office building that looks about a hundred years old. It is only four floors. For some reason, I was imagining a skyscraper, housing celebrities and models with maybe even some paparazzi surrounding it.
"You were expecting something else, right?" Kathy says, a smile on her face.
"Honestly, yeah. Something a bit more glamorous." Where was the glamor in this city anyway?
"Most agents have plain boring offices like this."
I get out of the car. I wonder what else in Hollywood isn't going to be how I expected it. I guess a lot. I take a deep breath and follow Kathy into the main floor. We don't stop at the desk and instead go straight toward the elevator.
"Third floor," she says to me as I step inside.
"You're not coming with me?" I blurt nervously.
"Nah, I'll wait for you though. There's a coffee shop next door. Good luck!"
I was going to protest and tell her I need the support but before I get the chance, she reaches into the elevator and presses the button. The doors glide shut and the elevator is lifting upward. Is it stupid to wish Kathy had come with me? I guess so. But I still would feel better. Even with all her advice, it would be good to have her with me. I have to do this alone, I tell myself as the elevator doors open to the third floor.
I walk into a modern waiting area. There is a fish tank off to one side and lots of windows. A woman sits at a desk, the sound of her long nails clicking as she types. I walk over to her and clear my throat. She stops typing and smiles. Her teeth are so white, they're practically blinding, especially in contrast to her California-bronzed complexion. Her nails are a neon pink. She looks as though she could be an actress herself.
"Let me guess," she trills. "You must be Jenny."
"Yes," I clear my throat again, "I am."
"Have a seat. I'll let Jon know you are here. It shouldn't be long."
I nod and sit down on one of the chairs. I pull out my cellphone and start to fiddle with it. I can't believe how nervous I feel. I really want this guy to agree to represent me. I want to turn over a new leaf and start a career that no one would expect from me. This is my best shot. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. My nerves lessen a little. I can't blow this. I have to be on my A game.
"Jenny?" I look up at the sound of my name. "Jon will see you now."
I stand up and follow the assistant down a small hallway. She stops at the door at the very end, smiles at me, and opens it. I step inside slowly. The office is as modern as the waiting room. The view is of the parking lot. A man turns around in his desk chair and smiles at me.
"Jenny, welcome," he says as he stands up and walks over to me.
My throat goes dry. I am knocked over by how handsome Jon is. I have heard that people in Hollywood are more attractive than everyone else. I had brushed that off as due to Botox and any other crazy anti-aging stuff famous people went through. But Jon is gorgeous. His black hair is slightly messy and falls into his eyes a little. His suit is well tailored and clings in all the right spots to make it obvious there are tight muscles underneath. Oh no, he's hot!
He holds out his hand to shake. His smile is bright and his teeth whiter than I ever thought possible.
I shake his hand. An electric shock goes through me. I hope I don't look like a deer caught in headlights. All the thoughts have emptied out of my head. His brown eyes remind me of warm coffee as I take a seat across from his desk. I find myself automatically checking for a wedding ring. No ring. Stop it, you want this guy to represent you. You aren't supposed to find him hot. It figures that the first man I find attractive in ages turns out to be my potential agent.
"It's nice to finally meet you," I manage to say.
"Same. Kathy has told me a lot about you. Do you want coffee or water to drink?"
I ask for water, and he goes over to a small mini-fridge in the corner of his office.
"Kathy said you're great. Said you helped her a lot before you had to drop some clients due to a family emergency." I cut myself off, hoping I haven't said too much.
Jon has gone still over by the fridge, as if I have caught him off guard. "Right. Luckily the family emergency is all squared away now."
"Great!" I chirp, my nerves getting the better of me.
Jon hands me a bottle of water and sits back down, opening his own. "Kathy say anything else?"
I take a sip of the water and shake my head. "Just that you are great at what you do."
Jon smiles and my knees go weak. I'm glad I'm sitting down.
"Well, she mentioned you didn't have any experience in acting, is that correct?"
I think about mentioning a fourth-grade play where I had been Merlin but decide against it. "That's right. Is that okay?"
"It will take a little longer to get you rolling but not a big deal. Most people who come by have a head shot and maybe a portfolio."
"Head shot?" I repeat stupidly.
"Just a picture of you that casting directors can use to see if you'd fit the part."
"I'm going to guess a selfie from last time I went to the beach wouldn't count."
Jon laughs. It sounds like music and I find myself smiling in return, feeling more relaxed.
"No, but we can get you set up with a photographer. You don't have a portfolio yet either, so we'll have to start off small. Get some audition demos out there. Do you have any acting training at all?"
"No. But I can thrill casting directors with tales of how I used to be in the restaurant business. I can even tell them how to make a great salad."
Jon smiles again. Maybe I am imagining it, but it feels as if his eyes rest on me for a few extra seconds before he looks at his computer.
"I think you'll do great on some test shots and an audition tape. I'll have to schedule you to come back so we can get everything all set up."
My heart skips a beat. "Does this mean that??"
"I'll represent you. I'll have my assistant draw up a contract for you to review. Just sign it and brin
g it back next time we meet up."
I feel as if my heart is constricting. "Are you sure you want to sign me? I have nothing to offer." I am about to blow this. I bite my tongue to shut myself up.
"Okay, first lesson - try not to say that to anyone else." Jon laughs. "I know raw talent when I see it, Jenny."
Again, I like the way my name sounds from his mouth. I stand up as he does.
"I'm about to head out for the day," he says. "Why don't I walk you downstairs?"
I agree and we leave his office together after his assistant gives me a contract to sign. I grip it tightly in my hands, afraid that if I let it go it will fly away. In the elevator, I can smell Jon's cologne. It is subtle but makes my head swim. I try not to check him out.
"You and Kathy are roommates, right?" he says as the doors slide shut.
I nod. "That's right. Sort of whirlwind how it all happened but I wanted to get out of where I was living."
Jon looks at me, and I can feel goose bumps spring up along my skin, "You came to the perfect city to reinvent yourself then."
The elevator doors open, and we step out together into the lobby.
"Have you lived here long?" I ask Jon, wanting to keep the conversation going.
"Yes, a while now," he replies. "But I couldn't imagine going back to where I was before."
I was going to respond when I see Kathy heading over to me. I give her a wave, but she falters when she sees Jon.
"Hey," Kathy says as she walks up to us. "I finished grabbing what I needed at the store across the street so I was going to wait for you."
"I'm all done. Jon is going to represent me," I reply, beaming.
Kathy smiles, but it looks forced. Jon suddenly looks at his watch and then back at me.
"I have to head out. Have somewhere to be. See you later. Nice seeing you, Kathy."
Jon leaves us and heads toward his car. I watch him go, frowning. That seems sudden. I don't quite understand what has happened. I turn to look at Kathy, who is watching him leave. I close my mouth, deciding not to tell her about my meeting. She has a funny look on her face.
As if sensing me watching her, she turns to look back at me and forces a smile. "Want to grab a coffee? Tell me all about it?"
Maybe I just imagined it.
Chapter Five
That night, I can't sleep again. This time it isn't the fact I live in a dollhouse that is bothering me. Jon has called me to ask if I can come in tomorrow to get a head shot taken. He has been able to call in a favor so I can even get it done for free. Is he this nice to all his clients?
I want to ask Kathy, but after seeing how weird the two of them had been with each other, I decide against it. Maybe I am imagining it, but it feels as if there is some awkward tension between the two of them. Kathy had dropped me off and told me she was meeting some friends for dinner, so I didn't get to ask. Would I ask if I was able to?
Jon's voice on the phone gave me goose bumps again. It is na?ve to think that he is being nice to me because we have some sort of connection. There is no connection - I just want to jump his bones. I sigh and roll over, covering my face with my pillow. In the distance, I can hear sirens. A few apartments down, I can sometimes hear people yelling. Not a dream home by any means.
Somewhere in this city is a nightlife that entire movies are based off of. Movie stars with no concerns are getting VIP bottle service and talking about their next blockbuster movie. There is no way that can be me, right?
Do agents say they see potential in all their clients or only when they truly mean it? It doesn't help that Jon is so attractive. There is absolutely no way I can violate our professional relationship in hopes for a date. I probably just need to get laid.
I finally fall asleep. I dream of my daughter. I wake up in the morning in a cold sweat.
***
"I want you to look as if you are gazing out in the horizon at your destiny."
"What?" I reply as the photographer snaps photos. "Is my destiny some tangible thing I can hold?"
We are thirty minutes into trying to get a decent head shot of me, and I am feeling over it. The photographer's directions for each picture are growing increasingly vague, and I feel out of my element. I had thought the entire thing was going to be quick, like having a high school photo taken.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. Jon has gotten a woman to do my makeup and hair. I feel unlike myself, as if I can be anyone I want to be. However, the photographer's ridiculous instructions are making me hyperaware of everything.
"Let's take five," he finally says, lowering his camera. "Your aura is all wrong."
"What the fuck is an aura?" I mumble to myself through clenched teeth.
Jon walks over. He is dressed casually compared to yesterday and has a bemused expression on his face. My heart does a flip.
"Jon, where did you find this guy?" I whisper.
"I called in a favor. He normally doesn't do head shots."
"You think?"
Jon laughs. "He's trying to make it big. He'll take what he can. We're going to get head shots plus some other photos I can use, too. It's a win-win, even if it doesn't feel like it."
"It does not feel like it."
"Come on, let's grab a coffee."
I follow him over to the small table that has been set up with some food. The guy who is doing the lighting is cramming a donut in his mouth as he talks on his phone. The makeup artist is gossiping to the photographer about seeing a celebrity at some club named Underwater Nosh last night. What a name.
I borrowed Kathy's car to get here. It took about an hour to get twenty minutes to the tiny studio. I had asked her if she wanted me to take a cab but she refused. I am pretty sure she is hung over from wherever she went to last night.
Lost in thought, I don't even hear people greet the man who has just come in. I pour myself my coffee, trying to shake off my tired state. I really need to sleep better. If I get regular acting jobs, I might have to get up at 4 a.m.
"Rich, I didn't expect to see you here," Jon says, although his tone sounds stiff.
"I heard someone was using my studio today for some new talent and I wanted to scope it out for myself."
"Did you." Jon replies. It is meant to be a question but comes out more like a tone of annoyance.
I realize just then that I am the "talent" and turn around to see who owns the studio. I am facing another handsome man. Is there any other kind in Hollywood? He is the polar opposite of Jon. His hair is a light blond and he wears a tan suit. His blue eyes are bright and gorgeous, reminding me of the ocean.
"I'm Rich."
"Jenny. Hi. You said you own the studio?"
We shake hands and he nods. "Yes. I own quite a few on this side of town."
"Among other things," Jon mumbles.
Rich either doesn't hear him or ignores him because he goes on, "I'm also a casting director. I used to work with Jon before we went our separate ways. You didn't tell me you had such a beautiful new client though."
I feel butterflies in my stomach. Is this guy flirting with me? In front of everyone? No way. He said he is a casting agent. Maybe he just likes what he sees. Maybe I'll even get lucky and he'll cast me in something.
"Jenny is new to the business but I think she has something real to offer the casting agents here. Something different."
Rich's eyes scan my body. "Looks like it."
I can feel heat rising to my cheeks. He is flirting. I open my mouth to respond when the photographer, apparently bored of hearing about Underwater Nosh, turns and claps his hands. "Back to work!"
I am back in front of the camera. Jon mumbles something in the photographer's ear, whose enthusiasm dims as he goes and gets a chair for me to sit in.
"Apparently we have enough shots for my own portfolio," he says in a low voice to me. "Sit. We'll get your head shot now."
I look over at Jon and mouth the words, "Thank you."
He winks in reply. I turn my head quickly, sitting down. He is just playin
g around with the wink, I tell myself, as my stomach gets butterflies again. I can feel Rich's eyes on me as well. Two good looking guys both watching me get my photo taken. It is perfect. If only I felt more confident in my poses.
It doesn't take long for the photographer to get my head shot. Apparently he cares more about building his portfolio rather than what he was actually hired to do. I can't blame him. I have gotten the head shot for free because of the favor Jon has called in. I do have extra photos on top of it.
Once we finish, I hesitate walking over to Jon. He seems to be in a serious conversation with Rich, who is cute and clearly interested in me. No matter how much Jon gives me the shivers and goose bumps, he is still my agent. Going after him would be foolish, given our professional relationship.
But Rich on the other hand? If he wants to flirt again, I am considering flirting back. He is super cute, after all, and focusing on a new guy might make any fantasies brewing in my head over Jon to vanish.
With all this in my mind, I decide to head over to the two of them. Jon sees me first and falls silent as Rich looks up.
"You did great," Jon says. "I'm going to get everything organized and start putting my feelers out there for an audition. I'll send you the photos, too."
"You should send her information my way, too," Rich says, his eyes still on me. "I might have something for her."
My heart thrums. "Really?"
"A beautiful thing like you? Be stupid not to."
"I'm heading out," Jon announces. "I'll talk to you later, Jenny."
I say "bye" and watch him go. Does he care about me talking to Rich or am I imagining that, like Kathy being odd?
"You looked great today."
I snap out of my thoughts to look at Rich and smile. "Thanks."
"You new in town?"
"Yes. Just moved here recently."
"How are you liking it?" He moves an inch closer to me and I feel a tingle go down my spine - something about him seems like a bad boy.
I can feel my old urges kicking up. Bad Jenny.
"I haven't really seen much of it," I admit, batting my eyelashes at him. "I heard the photographer and the make-up artist talking about some club named Underwater Nosh? I don't know what that is."
There is a noise behind me of someone coming back in the studio. Probably the photographer. Rich is looking directly at me, a slow smile spreading across his face.