MY HANDS WERE shaking as I let the memories race back into my mind. Thano looked pale. I could tell he was forcing himself to stay seated and not rush over to me. That comforted me a small bit.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Everyone treated me like I was a part of the family. Claire and I shared a room for the first year I lived with them. Then her father got a promotion at work and we moved to a bigger house. My parents’ estate was tied up in probate and all of it would go to me at twenty-three. There was a small amount of money that was given directly to Claire’s parents, but they insisted on setting it aside for me.”
I couldn’t help the small smile that spread across my face. “Kim and Scott, that’s their names, they honestly treated me like their own child. It still blows my mind to this day what they did and continue to do for me.”
“They sound like wonderful people.”
Looking at Thano, I nodded my head. “They are.”
I shook my head and blew out a breath. “After Scott got the promotion, I was able to have my own room. It seemed like once we moved, things changed between Peter and me. I’d, of course, always had a crush on him. You know . . . your best friend’s older brother. He was almost two years older than Claire and me and was always watching out for us. Protecting us.”
With a weak smile, I looked back at the small chip in the table and started running my finger over it again. “Peter used to tell me how beautiful I was and that someday when I got older, he’d show me how much he loved me. He was going to be my knight in shining armor. The one who would save me from the bad dreams I still had about my parents’ accident. Little did I know, at the time, he would become my worst nightmare.”
Peeking up, I saw Thano make a fist. He was probably already guessing what happened.
“What did he do to you, Kilyn?”
Years of therapy helped me to get past the betrayal of Peter’s trust. It helped me to understand I wasn’t at fault. There were moments, though, I found myself standing in the shower scrubbing my body to get his smell off me before I realized it really wasn’t there. I was at the point in my life I could talk about it if I had to. But one question from Thano and I was on the verge of breaking down.
My chin trembled before I closed my eyes and counted to twenty. Opening them again, I looked directly at him. Tackle it head on, Kilyn.
“When I turned sixteen, Peter took me out to dinner. He said he wanted to show me off to everyone. I was finally old enough for him to show me how much he loved me.” I slowly shook my head. “I was stupid and naïve and believed every word he said to me. I had no idea what he meant when he kept saying that. Scott went out of town for his new job often. He was supposed to be gone for two days. That night, Peter came into my room. I remember sitting up in bed and asking him what he was doing. He locked the door and gave me a smile. My heart leapt in my chest because he handed me single rose.”
I looked out the window and pressed my lips together. “To this day, I can’t stand to look at pink roses.”
Thano continued to watch me, not saying a word.
“I was dressed in nothing but a T-shirt and panties. When I got out of bed to take the rose, Peter looked at me like he had never looked at me before. It was like he was seeing me for the first time. He took my arm and pulled me to him. He kissed me and, at first, I liked it. But then he got rough. He bit my lip so hard it started to bleed.”
Anger moved over Thano’s face.
“When I told him to slow down, he said he was sorry, it was just that he wanted me so badly. It was then it all hit me. He wanted to have sex with me. I told him I wasn’t ready for that but he said I was. I was so scared. He pushed me down onto my bed and quickly unbuttoned his jeans and pulled out a condom. He told me if I yelled out, Claire and his mother would think I was a whore for having him in my room. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to yell out but I had gotten out of bed to take the rose. In my mind, I instantly thought I invited his thoughts by getting out of bed. But I also knew Claire knew me better than that. I’d never let a boy in my room. I got confused as to why I didn’t tell him to leave when he first came in.”
Thano shook his head. “No, Kilyn.”
“I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t realize what was happening until he ripped my panties off. I started to push him away, but he put his hand over my mouth and then used his other hand to hold my hips down.”
Thano stood up, causing the chair to fall back and me to jump at the sound. “That motherfucker.”
“He tried like hell to get it inside of me, but I fought him with every ounce of strength I had. I thought if I fought long enough, he’d realize what he was doing. But then he got mad and grabbed me so hard, I began crying and stopped moving. When I stopped moving, he eased up on his grip, but he still held me down.”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head. “It hurt so bad I just laid there. I guess he thought I was either enjoying it or I had given up the fight. When he moved his hand from my mouth, I screamed as loud as I could. I heard someone try to open my door and so did Peter. He quickly covered my mouth but I kept trying to scream. The next thing I knew, the door busted open and Scott rushed in. He saw Peter on me and pulled him off of me. He threw him to the floor and that was about when Claire and her mother walked in.” My voice cracked as I rubbed my hands over my arms to warm myself up from the instant chill in the air.
“Jesus, Kilyn. I’m so sorry, ladybug.”
My eyes snapped up to his. “Claire and her parents had to testify against Peter. It took me a long time to forgive myself for having to have them put their own son and brother in jail.”
Thano walked around the table towards me. “He deserved it.”
Slowly standing, I nodded. “I know that now, but at sixteen it was harder to accept.”
Stopping right in front of me, Thano put his hand on the side of my face. I allowed myself to feel the warmth of his touch as I gently leaned against it for a moment before stepping back from him.
“So, now you know my story. I don’t let it define who I am, yet I did allow the hurt and betrayal to keep me from opening my heart up to another. At least until you. I live life to the fullest, enjoying every moment I’m given. I won’t lie and say I don’t have moments of weakness because I do. I think you saw that when I left your cabin.”
Thano nodded slowly, lost in his own thoughts.
“Now it’s my turn. Who is Savannah?”
I imagined his face looked exactly like mine did when he asked about Peter. My heart raced as I waited for him to tell me.
“She was my fiancée.”
My hand went to my stomach and I instantly felt sick. That wasn’t what I was expecting and I was stunned by how that news made me feel.
He grinned slightly. “Actually, she was my high school sweetheart. My parents were not thrilled I was dating a girl who wasn’t Greek, but I loved her and I didn’t care. I asked her to marry me when we were in college. My mother was upset with me, but Savannah had such a way about her, she won my mother over.” He let out a soft laugh. “That’s not entirely true. My mother was upset with me, but finally stopped arguing with me.”
I didn’t want to know the answer to my next question, but I asked it anyway. “Did you get married?”
His shoulders dropped and he shook his head. “She was walking down the aisle and collapsed.”
My hand instantly came up to my mouth as I sucked in a breath of air.
Oh. My. God.
“She had a heart attack and died. Right there at the church. In front of everyone. We found out she had a heart defect that no one knew about.”
Dropping my hand, I let my tears fall freely. I could hear the pain in his voice and that killed me.
“I’m so sorry, Thano.”
He looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears. “I promised her my heart and I’m not sure I can give it to anyone else.”
My mouth fell open as I searched for something to say. “When I’m with you,
I forget all the pain. I forget Savannah.”
Reaching out for the chair, I grabbed it to keep myself standing. My legs felt as if they were about to give out on me. “When we made love, I’d never experienced such emotions, not even with Savannah. I never whispered things to her in Greek. I never called her ladybug. With you it’s so . . . different.”
Quickly wiping my tears away, I tried to make sense of what he was saying to me. I was beyond confused. One second he was telling me he couldn’t give me his heart and the next he was telling me how different it was with me. My head was spinning.
“I didn’t tell you the whole story about the ladybug. My grandmother told me ladybugs were drawn to pure love. True love. When I realized I was calling you ladybug . . . it freaked me out.”
Furrowing my eyes together, I forced myself to talk. “Why? Because I couldn’t possibly be the one you loved?”
I was lost between feeling so incredibly hurt by his words and angry as hell because he was denying what was right in front of him.
He looked at me with a blank expression. “I loved Savannah.”
Swallowing hard, I asked, “And you can never love again? Is that what you’re saying to me, Thano? You can never find another love like that . . . or God forbid something even more. Something deeper? Because I thought I was so broken by Peter I would never be able to trust someone enough to love them. I opened my heart up and I started falling in love with you. So you’re telling me you could never love me?”
“I’m not sure about anything right now, Kilyn. I know I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about that night we made love and that confuses the hell out of me.”
Standing, I looked directly into his eyes. “Well, let me be clear on one thing. I am not Savannah. I will never be her nor do I ever want to be compared to her. I’ve lost a part of me as well, Thano. The only difference between us is I have chosen to move on with my life where as you have chosen to stay in the past. I won’t let myself get hurt by you or anyone else.”
He narrowed his eyes as if I had said the most insane thing ever. “I don’t want to hurt you. That is the last thing I’d ever want to do, Kilyn.”
Forcing my tears back, my throat and lungs burned. My chin trembled and I had to fight to keep the room from spinning.
Looking down, I watched as my tears fell and landed on the floor. I lifted my head and forced myself to speak.
“But that’s where you’re so wrong, Thano. Because you just did. More than you will ever know.”
His eyes widened as a pained expression took over his face. Taking a step closer to me I held up my hands to stop him. A sob escaped from my pressed lips. “No. Please don’t touch me.”
“Wait. Kilyn, don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry, Thano. I can’t play second to someone else. I’m falling in love with you and the only way I can keep my heart guarded is by letting you go.”
A tear slipped from his eye and slowly rolled down his beautiful face. “Please don’t do this.”
Taking a step forward, I reached up and softly kissed his lips. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Thano shook his head.
Quickly making my way around him, I headed to the door. My heart was pounding in my head so loud I could hardly hear myself think.
As I reached for the door, Thano grabbed me and spun me around. His eyes pleading with me to stay. “Don’t do this. Please, Kilyn. I . . . I . . . shit.”
His hand pushed through his hair as he let out a string of curse words.
“Fucking hell, please stay. I need to figure this all out. I’m confused that’s all.”
My chest heaved as I tried to contain my feelings. I wanted more than anything to fall into his arms and tell him I would wait. I’d wait forever for him to realize he loved me and not some ghost. But that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I’d always second guess who he truly loved. There wouldn’t be a day that would pass where I wouldn’t wonder if I was just someone he settled for.
Lifting my chin, I gave him a weak smile. “If you really wanted me to stay, you wouldn’t be confused, Thano. You would have told me how you felt about me without even having to think about it.”
His eyes filled with tears while I reached my shaking hand around my back and found the doorknob. My body felt cold as I turned it. Opening the door, I walked as fast as I could away from the only man I’d ever loved. Possibly the only man I’d ever truly love.
FROZEN.
Kilyn quickly walked away as I stood there watching her like the fucking idiot I was. Frozen in place, unable to move.
Her words swam in my head causing it to throb with each breath I took.
“If you really wanted me to stay, you wouldn’t be confused, Thano.”
Those words replayed over and over as I stood there looking at an empty hall.
“What did I do?”
Pushing both hands through my hair, I wanted to scream out. I wanted everyone around me to feel the same pain I was feeling.
I let her walk away. The one woman who moved me like I’d never been moved.
My ladybug.
Shaking my head, I turned and stared out the window.
My ladybug.
Was Kilyn my true love and not Savannah? I loved Savannah so much. Or did I love the idea of Savannah? Closing my eyes, I was taken back to the night I told my parents I asked Savannah to marry me. It was my father and I alone on the back porch.
“Do you love this girl, Athanasios, or is it a first love crush?”
Staring at my father, I was dumbfounded. “Not you too, Dad. You’re starting to sound like, Mom. Yes, I love her and no, it’s not because she was my first love. I want to be with her.”
He lifted his left eyebrow and gave me that knowing look. The one that said he knew more than me. “You sure you’re not hell bent on being with her because your mother is against it?”
My heart skipped a beat. I had never lied to my father and I wasn’t about to start. Swallowing hard, I forced a smile. “That may have been the reason I first started dating Savannah.”
“Really? The foundation of your relationship was started on deceit.”
“That’s not the reason now. I fell in love with her and I want to be with her.”
Walking up to me, my father placed his hand on my chest. “In here, Athanasios, that is where true love starts. It starts with your breath catching the first time she smiles at you. Your chest will tighten and then warm with the sound of her voice from across the room. The desire to be near her will overwhelm you. Your heart will actually feel as if it has been torn in two when she sheds a tear. That, my son, is love. True love.”
Opening my eyes, it hit me like a brick wall. I loved Savannah with all my heart. I knew that without a doubt. But none of those things ever happened when we first met. I thought she was beautiful, she gave me her undivided attention and knowing she wasn’t Greek gave me a rush. Every time we were together it was a damn fucking rush.
With Kilyn, her not being Greek never even entered my mind. I was drawn to her immediately. Her smile made my breath catch in my throat every damn time. Her laughter gave me hope; my desire to be near her was constant. When we made love at the cabin it felt as if we were one. It was the most amazing moment in my life. Talking to her in Greek, calling her ladybug . . . I never did any of that with Savannah. The first time I made love with Savannah we were both drunk and it was prom night. I didn’t even really remember it.
The guilt swept over my body instantly as I turned and made my way out of the building. My head throbbed as I fought to understand what in the hell was happening to me.
I headed to the only person I knew to go to.
Savannah.
Staring down at the gravestone, I slowly sank down to my knees.
“Savannah, I loved you. I swear, I loved you with my whole heart.”
Scrubbing my hands down my face, I let out a frustrated groan.
“I don’t know what’s
happening to me. My world was destroyed when you left me, but now . . . now I feel like I’m finally coming back to life and it’s all because of Kilyn. I feel so guilty because I feel things so differently with her than I did with you, and I don’t know what to do with that. Why did you leave me? Why?”
Falling back onto my ass, I rested my arms over my knees and stared at her name. Savannah Lynn Thompson.
Looking away, I stared at a bird that was sitting in a tree. The snow from the storm was already gone and the weather was back to the low sixties. It was a beautiful day.
“It’s beautiful out today. You would have loved it.”
The bird flew off and I closed my eyes. “I can’t move on, Savannah. I’ve fallen in love with her, yet I can’t move on.”
“She’d want you to.”
My eyes snapped open and I jumped up to see Savannah’s brother Sam standing there carrying a bouquet of flowers. My heart stopped for a moment. I hadn’t seen him in a few years. I had grown close to Savannah’s family when we dated, but after her death we grew apart. He set them down next to the flowers I had brought.
“Don’t you think four and half years is enough time, Thano?”
With a sigh, I looked down and kicked at a piece of grass. “Everyone keeps telling me to move on, I don’t know if I can.”
“Why do you think that is?”
I looked into his eyes. It was the first time anyone had actually asked me that. “Hell, I don’t know, Sam. Maybe because she died walking down the aisle and there was nothing I could do. We didn’t even get a chance to start a life together.”
He never once broke my stare. “Or is it because in a small way, you felt relieved she died and that has filled you with guilt.”
My hands balled into fists as anger surged through my body. “Fuck you, Thompson. I loved your sister and wanted to marry her. Why in the hell would I have wanted her to die?”
He let out a soft laugh. “Oh, I know you loved her, and she loved you. But I don’t think either one of you wanted to admit you loved each other for the wrong reasons.”