I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. His words rattled my entire body.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
Sam turned and faced Savannah’s grave.
“Thano, I want you to really dig down deep and think about this. The two of you were together since high school and all through college. When you asked Savannah to marry you, was it truly because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, or was it because you felt it was your sense of duty? Kind of like right now how you feel like it is your sense of duty to mourn her and not move on. You let the guilt of feeling happy keep you from actually feeling happy.”
His words felt like they were a slap to my face. I opened my mouth to argue, but I couldn’t. For the first time in over four years, I let reality in.
Sam gave me a weak smile. “It’s okay, Thano. You can’t beat yourself up over it anymore.”
“I loved her, Sam. I really did.”
“And she loved you, but even Savannah wasn’t sure. The day before the wedding she confided in me. She said she was having second thoughts but didn’t know how to talk to you about it. I told her she needed to talk to you before the wedding, but I’m going to guess she never did.”
My eyes widened in shock. “She was having second thoughts about getting married?” I shook my head as if it would help the jumbled mess inside of it. Knowing Savannah had the same doubts almost had me feeling relieved as the guilt lessened some. “Wait—my mother said Savannah told her mother she wanted to talk to me.”
Sam’s expression turned sad. “My mother wouldn’t let Savannah share her fears with you. She told her she was being silly and that she needed to push past the fears.”
Oh, God. I took a few steps back. My heart sank as I looked at Sam. “Do you think that’s why she had the heart attack?”
He jerked his face back in shock. “No! Thano, you already know the doctors said she had a heart defect.”
I forced the air into my lungs. “But . . . what if the added stress caused something to happen?”
Walking up to me, Sam grabbed onto my arms. “Stop. Thano, think back to the numerous times you saw Savannah complaining her chest was aching. Each time she would give some excuse, almost as if she somehow knew something was wrong. Even I remember her saying something when we were in Cancun on a family vacation, after we went for a walk along the beach. The wedding—you—none of that had anything to do with her dying. Her heart gave out. There is nothing more to it. Stop beating yourself up every chance you get. Thano, don’t let your fear keep you from opening your heart again. It’s time to move on.”
Closing my eyes, I numbly shook my head. “You’re right,” I barely said as he dropped his hands.
“About?”
I opened my eyes and pulled in a deep breath before slowly pushing it out. I looked into Savannah’s brother’s eyes and decided I couldn’t ignore it any longer. “I was relieved. A small part of me was relieved the wedding never happened. The guilt I’ve felt over the last four years knowing that has been something I’ve carried deep inside of me, refusing to ever let that thought back into my head again. The moment I first thought it, I hated myself for thinking it. I loved Savannah and I only wanted to make her happy and give her the life she deserved. I thought by marrying her, I was doing what we both wanted. Now I don’t even know if either one of us wanted it at all.”
Both of us remained silent for a few moments before Sam finally spoke. “I think you both wanted it in some small way, but if you had gotten married, I honestly don’t think you would have stayed married for long before you grew apart. That’s the thing about love, Thano. There is love . . . and then there is the love that you can’t live without.”
Kilyn.
I wasn’t sure how long we stood there in silence before Sam finally shook my hand and took off. It was another few minutes before I decided it was time to leave.
“I’ll always love you, Savannah. But it’s time I forgive myself and open up my heart to someone else. I think you would love Kilyn. She’s full of life and so strong.” Closing my eyes, I softly said, “I pray to God I didn’t mess things up with her.”
Feeling a tear slip from my eye, I quickly wiped it away.
With a smile, I whispered, “Goodbye, Savannah.”
TWO WEEKS LATER
WALKING INTO ONION Creek, I took a deep inhale through my nose. God, something smelled wonderful. I wasn’t even sure how I could even think of eating after the Thanksgiving dinner two days ago at Kim and Scott’s house. I was still full.
My phone buzzed in my purse, alerting me of a text. Pulling my phone out, my breath caught as I saw his name.
Thano.
Thano: Got the final drawings. Everything looks great.
Pressing my lips together, I stopped walking so I could text him back. Surely he had to have some changes.
Me: No changes? You agree with everything?
I chewed on my thumbnail as I waited for his response. I made the master bedroom a little more girly than I should have seeing this was a guy’s cabin. The shabby chic décor was a bitch move but in the end it actually turned out kind of cute. Cute being the key word.
Thano: Yes.
My mouth fell open. That’s it? That’s all I get is a simple one-word response. Yes.
Feeling the anger build up, I started running my fingers quickly over my phone.
Me: Really? Did you look at them, Athanasios? REALLY look at them.
Standing in a small corner off to the side, I waited as I tapped my foot impatiently.
People started coming in for Claire’s class and passing me. Each one giving me a warm greeting. It was almost as if they knew I was on the edge of losing my shit.
Five minutes went by before he finally responded.
Thano: Yes, Ms. O’Kelly. I REALLY looked at them.
Me: And that’s what you want to go with?
Thano: Yes.
Ugh!
I hit his number and tried to calm my erratic heart down. I knew this was a risk . . . hearing his voice. When I gave him the option of using another designer he said no. All of our communication had been through email or text.
“Hello.”
Oh, dear God in heaven. His voice sent my libido into high alert.
“Th—” My voice cracked and I had to clear it . . . twice.
For Christ’s sake! Get it together!
“Mr. Drivas, I need to be sure you looked at the drawings for every room and sign off on all of them before I okay the work to begin.”
“I did.”
Closing my eyes, I brought up my hand and pinched the bridge of my nose. Stay calm, Kilyn. Calm.
“Your bedroom, Thano. Did you look at your bedroom?”
I heard rustling of papers and then a chuckle. “Yes. I saw the master.”
Letting out a frustrated sigh, I replied, “And?”
“Well, my mother liked it, so I like it.”
My mouth dropped to the ground. “It’s nothing like what you asked for.”
“Then why did you draw it up that way if you thought I wasn’t going to like it?”
Slapping my hand to my forehead, I shouted, “Because I wanted you to say you didn’t like it!”
“Why?”
I went to talk and nothing came out.
Why did I do that? Oh. My. Goodness. What am I, in high school playing games?
“Well . . . I um . . . I wanted to make sure you were really paying attention to the designs and not agreeing for the sake of agreeing.”
Thano cleared his throat. “I would never do that. This is where I hope to live permanently someday, I want it to be the way I want it.”
My heart jumped to my throat. Someday he’d be making love to another woman in the bedroom I designed. Some Greek bitch would be cooking up a storm in my dream kitchen.
Yes. I had to admit it to myself, I designed Thano’s kitchen with my dream kitchen in mind. I got personal with a job. Very personal.
“Well, I hope when it’s done you’ll be happy.”
“I’m sure I will be.”
The silence was almost too much to take.
“Was there anything else you wanted to talk to me about, Ms. O’Kelly?”
My heart felt as if it were physically breaking all over again. “No. Oh, um, yes. Since you approved the plans Claire will be contacting you about when the workers will be there to start work.”
“Claire? Why not you?”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and faced the corner. The last thing I wanted was for people to see me crying. Trying to sound as normal as possible, I choked out my words.
“Claire usually handles this stage of things since her husband is the contractor we use. I’ll be sure to have her send you her cell phone number should any . . . should, um . . . should any problems, um.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I cleared my throat. “Should problems arise.”
“Kilyn, are you okay?”
I shook my head and pressed my lips tightly together as I covered my mouth with my hand. If only he knew how badly he broke my heart.
Dropping my hand, I whispered, “I’m fine. I have to go.”
Hitting End, I pushed my phone into my back pocket and counted to twenty.
Now that that was over, I needed to concentrate on moving on. I’d already quit the gym where Thano worked out and I gave my notice to move from my apartment. I was going to stay with Claire and Blake until I found another place.
I did everything differently from what I normally did, and that included not going to my favorite coffee shop in Manitou Springs. The fear of running into Thano was almost becoming obsessive.
Claire’s voice from behind me caused me to jump. “Hey, are you okay?”
Opening my eyes, I spun around and forced the fake smile I had mastered at sixteen years old.
“Yep! I think I’m coming down with something and I needed a few minutes. Are we ready?”
She nodded her head and gave me an inquisitive look. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Wrapping my arm around hers, I laughed. “Yes. I promise I’m fine.”
“Okay, well, let’s go. We have a huge group of rowdy women out there. I think it’s some kind of party.”
My smile grew to a sincere one. “Oh, how fun.”
As we made our way back to the kitchen, I glanced over to the small group of women and smiled. Then my heart stopped. One woman looked directly into my eyes and I swore I’d seen those eyes looking at me before.
I closed my eyes and shook my head to clear my thoughts. I bumped directly into Claire. “Oh, sorry,” I said as my face heated.
Giving me a probing look, I held up my hands and said, “I’m fine. I thought I saw someone and I wasn’t paying any attention.”
Claire lifted her eyebrows and tilted her head as if she was trying to size me up.
Leaning closer to her, I softly said, “Can we just get this going? I’m fine.”
“You’ve been crying!” she said louder than she meant to.
I let out a nervous laugh and looked out as twelve pair of eyes stared at me.
Scanning them, I couldn’t help but notice the one lady with the familiar eyes giving me a concerned look.
Okay, well, I could try and play this off or I could be honest. Shrugging my shoulders, I let out a gruff laugh. “I opened my heart to a guy and he broke it. There. I said it. Now let’s get to cooking!”
I reached over and hit play on my iPod. My favorite song by LOCASH started and I did a spin and danced while Claire laughed and the rest of the ladies gave me a clap.
The only one who wasn’t clapping was the older woman. I did my best to avoid her eyes as Claire began to tell everyone what we would be cooking today.
“We always start with a healthy smoothie to make for us to drink while we cook.”
I picked up the pre made smoothie Claire must have made before she came searching for me, and took a drink. Choking, I curled my lip and gasped. “Holy crap! What’s in this thing? It’s awful!”
Claire glared at me as the room erupted in laughter.
“I won’t be making that,” one of the older ladies said from the group.
Covering my mouth with my hands, I shrugged.
Plastering on a smile, Claire began speaking. “For those of you who would like to make this immune boosting smoothie, ignore Kilyn. It contains Swiss chard, mustard greens, avocado, papaya and rolled oats. Oh, and pumpkin seeds!”
I stared at Claire. And it wasn’t just me . . . everyone was staring at her. “Yeah, I think I’m going to side with Kilyn on this one.”
Turning, I noticed it was the older lady who said it. She looked at me and winked.
Returning her smile, I mouthed, Good choice.
Claire put her hands on her hips. “Does anyone want to make it?”
No one said a word.
Clapping my hands, I said, “I have two bottles of a Merlot I’ve been dying to share! Wine is good for your heart . . . right, Claire?”
She wore a scowl on her face but soon let out a chuckle. “Fine, a glass of wine for everyone.”
I quickly ran and grabbed three bottles, I said two, but I had a feeling I would be polishing one off on my own.
“Now, this evening we have a wonderful group of women who said they were referred to us. They are here spending the day with each other as they celebrate Katerina’s fifty-fifth birthday!”
Everyone clapped, me included. Katerina was the woman who had the familiar eyes. She almost looked like . . .
My eyes widened. No. There was no way.
“Since they are all of Greek heritage, I thought we would do a Greek entrée and dessert.”
My head snapped over to Claire as I felt my chest tightening. Oh, holy shit. This is not happening.
I stared down at the food Claire had put out. What in the living hell was this shit?
“Today we’ll be making spanakopita, which is a Greek spinach pie. For dessert, it will be Greek honey cake. We’ll start with the cake so it can bake while we make the spanakopita.”
I’m almost positive I was staring at Claire with a what the fuck expression. When she gave them instructions on how to start the cake, she walked over to me and pulled me to the side. “I’m sorry. I wanted to give you a heads up but you got here last minute, and then when I saw you in the hall, well, it slipped my mind.”
“It slipped your mind! It. Slipped. Your. Mind? Thano’s Greek. He destroyed my heart. Did I mention he is Greek? How many Greek men have I gone out with? Oh, let me think.” Lifting my eyes up, I acted like I was thinking before shooting her a look. “That’s right. There’s only been the one!”
She nodded. “I know this, and that’s why I was trying to give you a heads up. But Katerina called and said it was a group thing. I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought it would be fun to make something Greek for them. Plus, the other people in the class will love this!”
I peeked over my shoulder and watched as Katerina and the other Greek women corrected the other students on how they were mixing the ingredients. “She looks like Thano,” I whispered.
Claire looked at her. “There is no way. Don’t all Greek people look the same?”
I shot my head back and looked at her. “What? That’s so rude!”
“Well, I don’t know! Come on it’s ruder to be over here whispering off to the side.”
I followed her hesitantly. Taking a deep breath, I headed down to see who needed help as Claire stayed at the front and went over the instructions. The next thing I knew, Katerina was up with Claire. She had taken over the instructions and I couldn’t help but laugh when she took complete control over everything.
Standing in the middle of the group of Greek women, I totally forgot about Thano. Which was weird since I was submerged in all things Greek. These women were powerful, strong-minded, beautiful women. And funny as hell.
“So, Katerina, what made you pick these dishes?” Claire asked.
With a huge smile, she replied, “Oh, that’s an easy question to answer. They are my youngest son’s favorite dishes.”
Claire smiled as another girl in the crowd asked the next question. “I’ve heard about Greek men! What’s his name and is he single?”
Everyone laughed, including me. When I looked back up, Katerina was staring directly at me. Her green eyes seemed to be penetrating right to mine.
“His name is Athanasios, and you’d have to ask him if his heart is taken or not.”
It felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. The glass dish I’d been holding in my hand slipped and fell to the floor.
Shattering everywhere as I felt my legs go weak and I whispered, “Thano.”
“SO, HOW LONG are you going to walk around pouting?”
Glancing over to my brother, Nicholaus, I screwed my face up. “What are you talking about?”
With a roll of his eyes, he pushed out a frustrated breath. “Thano, it’s been a month since you and your little Irish girl hooked up.”
“Don’t call her that.”
“Is she not Irish?”
Blowing out a breath, I watched as the cold air made it look like smoke.
“So are you ignoring me now, Thano?”
Turning to him, I replied, “No. I thought we came up here to hunt. I haven’t been elk hunting in forever and all you want to do is talk about if Kilyn is Irish or not.”
“Is she?” Nicholaus asked in a hushed voice.
With a frustrated moan, I put my gun down. “Yes. Yes she is Irish, Nicholaus.”
Trying to hold in his laughter, he replied, “Mom’s going to be pissed!”
My heart felt shattered thinking of Kilyn. “I don’t care what Mom thinks. It doesn’t really matter anyway; I fucked things up with her.”
“So, make it right.”
I stared out over the mountains. It had snowed a bit and everything was covered with a light powder of white. It was so peaceful and beautiful. A part of me wanted to stay up here, hidden from everything. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Do you love her, Thano?”
Not even having to think about it, my response was natural. “Yes. I mean, I don’t know how fast you can fall in love with someone, but I know I was falling in love with her. All I think about is her. When I close my eyes I see hers. Hell, I don’t even feel complete knowing I won’t see her each day. It’s like something is missing.”