Chapter Thirteen
“What did you just give me?” I asked Jason staring at the empty tea cup in my hand.
I went over to my two gay mamas hoping for a little pampering and advice. After agreeing to trap Abdoul I realized I didn’t have a clue what I should wear. I needed to blend in with the crowd at the fundraiser and my usual attire of jeans and a T-shirt wasn’t going to cut it. After hearing my situation Jeff and Jason went into over drive. They called Sloane/Shane one of their drag queen buddies to send over some dresses. It was depressing trying on dresses that you knew looked better on a man.
“Calm down sweetie,” Jason said. “It’s just dieter’s tea. No big deal.”
I looked over at Jeff exasperated.
“I don’t envy you. He tried that tea out on me last week. I was in the bathroom long enough to finish the latest Stephen King book,” he said.
Good God. I knew what book he was talking about and it could be used as a foot stool.
“Did you know about this?” I asked Jeff.
He shook his head. “No. It was all that one,” he said then pointed at Jason.
“I drank three cups of it,” I said starting to feel my stomach break into spasms.
“You were looking a little bloated,” Jason said. “And that dress we picked out for you doesn’t allow for any extra bulges.”
He was right about the dress being unforgiving. It was a white with a simple round neck that showed no cleavage and was deceivingly conservative, but the back more than made up for the front. It was so low cut it almost showed booty cleavage. I tried to protest not sure if I was going to be able to wear my favorite Spanx. But they said it was perfect even dragging in Shane/Sloane who proclaimed it was fabulous. I wasn’t so sure, but was too tired to go up against the three divas. I relented wishing I could lose ten pounds in a day.
“So you drugged me?” I said putting my hand on my stomach trying to make the cramps stop.
“Don’t be dramatic,” Jason said taking a sip out of his glass of wine. “I didn’t drug you. It was just some herbs for goodness sake.”
“Herbs that are going to make you crap a whole lot,” Jeff said chuckling while topping off his glass of wine.
“I’m glad you think this is so funny,” I said to him while racing over and grabbing a stack of gossip magazines off their table and running to the bathroom.
“Oh come on honey don’t be mad at me,” Jeff said. “He’s the one who did it. Not me. Be mad at him.”
My stomach felt like there was a marching band stomping on my intestines. In the first five minutes I had to do three mercy flushes and knew I wasn’t even close to being done. I hoped my internal organs weren’t going to expel from my body by the time Jason’s witch’s brew was done going through me. I looked down at the stack of reading materials and realized it wasn’t going to be enough.
I heard a knock on the door. “Sweetie, can you light the candle in there?” Jason asked.
“Go away,” I said.
“I’m only thinking of you,” he said. “It’s lavender scent. I’m sure it can’t be very pleasant in there.”
I did a mental eye roll. Was he kidding? Pleasant? “Jason I am going to kill you when I’m done.”
I was staying with Jeff and Jason until I wasn’t a target anymore. So no matter how mad I got I was stuck with them.
“Good thing you’re going to be in there for a long time then,” he said. “I made that tea extra strong.”
My stomach twisted again. Was it really just dieter’s tea? Why didn’t they call it dysentery tea and be done with it.
“You’re going down Jason,” I said. “You know that topless picture of you with the dough boy stomach? It’s going up on Facebook for the world to see after I get out of here.”
Jason broke his foot and couldn’t exercise for a couple months. To use up his nervous energy he baked. A lot. And ended up gaining a slight belly that unfortunately was caught at a very unflattering angle.
“You wouldn’t,” he breathed out.
“Oh, I would,” I said ripping off a piece of toilet paper and wiping off the beads of sweat that had formed on my upper lip. I was totally lying, but I wanted to scare him as payback for cleaning out my colon. “Why’d you have to give me three cups for God’s sake?”
I heard Jason outside the door prodding Jeff to talk to me out of being mad.
“He really did it for your own good honey. You’re wearing white, the most unforgiving of colors,” Jeff said.
“I think I’ve lost half my body weight.”
“That was the idea sweetie,” Jason chimed in. “When you calm down I swear you’ll see the dress will fit perfectly.”
I didn’t want perfect if it meant being held captive in the bathroom. As I was contemplating whether to forgive Jason I heard ice clinking outside my door.
“Oh my God. Are you two having a drink outside my door when I’m dying in here?” I shouted throwing a magazine against the door.
I normally didn’t resort to throwing things, but then again I had never been slipped a drug that would make me crap my guts out disguised as a soothing cup of tea.
“We’re pouring one for you too sweetie,” Jeff said.
Did they really think I was going to have a drink? In here? I was pretty open minded, but sharing a cocktail with them while on the commode was crossing even my sketchy line of what was okay.
“Will you guys just go away?”
“We’re celebrating your cleansing,” Jason said.
I did an exaggerated eye roll. Cleansing? They never missed an opportunity for a drink.
“Well celebrate somewhere else,” I said. “Away from here.”
There was a collective sigh. “Fine, we will be in the living room waiting for you,” Jason said.
“From my own experience I am guessing you should be in there for another hour or so,” Jeff added.
Kill me now.
Only when my colon was completely empty did I dare venture out. When I went into the living room I saw Jeff and Jason had drunk all the cocktails and decided to rearrange their furniture. This was normal for them. Hetero guys drank and watched sports. Jeff and Jason drank and redecorated.
I grabbed a pillow and plopped myself down on the floor watching them work off the booze.
“Sweetie, how are you feeling?” Jason asked warily.
“Like I just crapped my guts out. How about you?”
“But you feel less bloated don’t you?”
“Who wouldn’t after that? My intestines were begging to make it stop.”
“But you’re not mad at me anymore are you?”
I made a face. “I’m not. But my colon hates your guts.”
He smiled. “I knew you couldn’t stay mad at me.”
In his warped mind I knew he thought he was helping me so I decided to let it go.
“I forgave him too,” Jeff said. “Lord knows why, but I did.”
Then it struck me. I knew why Jason gave it to me, but why Jeff? His body didn’t have an ounce of extra anything.
I turned to Jeff who was busy shuffling around the coffee table in front of me. Why’d he poison you?” I asked. “You certainly weren’t bloated.”
He had a perfect body with every muscle defined.
“I didn’t poison anyone,” Jason said from across the room. “It was herbs.”
Jeff and I ignored him.
“That one,” he said pointing at Jason. “Was too afraid to take it himself so he thought he’d try it out on me.”
Figures.
“You agreed,” said Jason.
Jeff rolled his eyes. “I agreed to nothing but a cup of tea. You neglected to inform me what kind of tea.”
“You never asked,” Jason said trying to look as innocent as possible.
Jeff and I gave each other knowing looks. Jason was in his revisionist mode where if you say it enough it must be true. He should have been a politician instead of a lawyer.
Jason offered me a drink, but I held up my hand. I was afraid anything I put in, was going to come out and I had seen too much of the bathroom already I didn’t want to risk it.
“By the way Stevie that detective Moreno called when you were in the bathroom,” Jason said nonchalantly while moving a picture from one wall to the other.
My stomach twisted, but from nerves not from the crap tea.
“What? What did he say?”
“Hmm…This wall or that one,” he asked Jeff.
Jeff tilted his head to the side. “That one,” he said and pointed to the far wall.
Their non interest was going to make me scream.
“Jason what did he say?” I said wanting to throw my pillow at him.
He sighed. “Just what you said he would,” he said clearly distracted by his OCD kicking in and wanting to put everything in the right spot.
“He talked to both of us and just wanted us to corroborate your story,” Jeff chimed in sensing my frayed nerves.
‘Are you guys worried at all about this?” I asked.
Jeff clucked his tongue. “Why? You can’t get arrested for talking to a guy about shaving porn in a bar.”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m more concerned about where to put this chair,” Jason added.
How could they be so relaxed?
“Although that one was getting into his lawyer role too much and loving every minute of it,” Jeff said shaking his head.
“I threatened to sue him if he harassed you,” Jason said, trying to decide where to put the coasters on the coffee table.
I wasn’t liking the sound of this. Jason was good at his job, but he worked as a corporate lawyer at a movie studio. He negotiated contracts with agents and actors. He wasn’t exactly on Bryan’s level. Moreno didn’t seem like the type of guy who would respond well to a threat.
“What’d did he say?” I asked afraid of what I might hear.
“Not much. Just that it was an ongoing investigation and he’d probably have to talk to you again,” Jason said.
That didn’t sound too bad.
“And if I didn’t like it I could go to hell.”
That’s not good. I put my face into the pillow and sighed. Could things get any worse?
“Then the conversation ended and Bryan called on your phone.”
Yes it could.
“Tell me you didn’t pick up?”
“And miss a chance to talk to that gorgeous man? Forget it.”
I looked up at Jeff who cringed. “Sorry, I couldn’t hold him back.”
“Don’t let him fool you Stevie. He’s just mad because I beat him to the phone,” Jason said. “He wanted to talk to Mr. Hardbody as much as I did.”
I looked over to Jeff who shook his head and mouthed, ‘I didn’t’.
I wasn’t sure who to believe on this one. They both fawned over Bryan.
“What did he say?” I asked hoping for a painless answer.
“He wanted to talk you,” Jason said.
I could feel the anxiety racing through me.
“And what did you say?” I asked.
“I said you were unavailable.”
I exhaled with relief.
“Because you had drunk some dieter’s tea and were in the bathroom getting less bloated.”
Oh my God. I put my hands over my head not wanting to face it. “Why did you have to say that?” I mumbled into the pillow.
“He wanted to know why you were unavailable. And I didn’t want to lie,” he said.
I lifted my head up. “What are you talking about? You love to lie.” I said. “That’s one of your favorite things to do besides sex and drinking.”
“She knows you so well,” Jeff said while moving an area rug.
“I couldn’t think of anything fast enough,” Jason said.
“You didn’t tell him where I was going did you?”
Please let him say he kept his mouth closed. If Bryan found out where I was going tomorrow night he would know something was up and I didn’t want to mess up Manuel’s plan to get me out of this mess.
“No.”
Thank God he showed some restraint.
“But he said he would call back.”
I looked at my phone which was perched ominously next to my overnight bag. What did Bryan want to talk to me about?
I wanted to push everything out of my mind and just crash. Watching Jeff and Jason buzzing around the room was exhausting. I went to my bag and scrounged around looking for my favorite pajamas then realized I forgot to pack any. I grabbed my keys and told the guys I’d be right back. I quickly ran down the stairs while looking around afraid the scary guy would jump out. I never told Jeff or Jason about the hit man. They thought I was hiding out from Emil and Fidel.
I stuck the key in the lock, raced into my bedroom, yanked out my pajamas and headed for the front door. I rounded the corner into the stairwell when I felt someone jab something hard into my back. My heart dropped into my stomach and my reflexes went into over drive. Scary bar guy found me. I snapped around ready to use my palm straight up into the guy’s nose. But I stopped mid-air. It wasn’t scary guy. It was a small, older woman holding a gun.
“I want it back,” she said narrowing her eyes at me.
She had a startled look about her that I attributed to too much Botox. She was wearing a black velour hoodie with matching pants that would have looked great if she were going to high school, but ridiculous on a woman who was probably a charter member of AARP.
Did she want that stick thing too? “I don’t have it,” I said. I was so done with being accused of something I didn’t do.
“I saw you there,” she said.
“Where?” I said getting more confused by the second.
“Don’t stand there and deny it,” she said waving the gun around.
I held up hands. “Whoa. Watch that thing,” I said. “I want to help, but I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I could tell by the way her hands were shaking this type of thing wasn’t the norm for her.
“You were at the bar with him. I saw you,” she said giving me a snarl. “Were you having sex with him too?”
Sex? She was obviously delusional. Because the only sex partner I had lately required batteries. Bar? Then it hit me. Davies. She didn’t want the stick thing she wanted her porn DVD.
“You’re talking about Ronald?”
“Quit stalling and give me my DVD.”
“Listen lady I don’t have it,” I said.
Just then the stairwell door opened on the floor above. We could hear someone coming down the stairs. The woman’s eyes shot up the stairwell then back down to me. I could see she was angry about being interrupted.
“I want it back. Just like her,” she said then bolted out the door.
I leaned against the wall, took a deep breath and let it out. Bryan was right. I was a magnet for trouble. No wonder he was dating Lizzy. She probably didn’t have old ladies holding her up in hallways demanding back their geriatric porn DVDs.
“Stevie? What are you doing?”
I looked up and saw Jeff peeking down from above.
“Nothing. Just taking a rest,” I said.
“Well hurry up. Jason and I are arguing about placement up here and we need your help.”
I was too tired to tell them about the old lady with the gun. I’d save it for another day. And why bother calling the police? They’d ask too many questions I wasn’t going to answer. I’d figure out what to do about it tomorrow.
“It’s going to be a quick answer because I am going to bed,” I said climbing up the stairs dreading the drama that was waiting.
“Fine, but it’s your room we are rearranging now. So it might be longer than you’d like.”
Dammit.