Chapter Fourteen
“Shit girl were you drinking again last night?” Hector asked his face twisting up. I plopped down on one of the desk chairs in the office. “It’s not what you think.”
Then I told him about the tea and about the old lady with the gun.
“Damn Goldie. You’ve had a busy night,” he said chuckling. “I hope Yolanda doesn’t hear about that fucking shit. I don’t have the time to be sitting on the crapper for that long. I’ve got shit to do.”
I nodded. With three kids and his obsession with making sure Baby was spotless I didn’t know when he had the time to work.
“Why the fuck did she think you had her DVD?” He asked.
I shrugged. “She said she saw me with Davies at the bar.”
“What? Did she think he passed them out to everyone he fucking met?”
“We need to swing by Mrs. Howard’s before our first repo,” I said.
“Why?” Hector took out the repo paperwork from our box.
“She said she wanted it back just like her,” I said.
“You think Nana put the nut job on to you?”
“I don’t know, but let’s go find out.”
Hector and I parked Baby across the street from Mrs. Howard’s.
“Have you ever noticed this woman never opens the fucking door?” He asked as we crossed the street.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“She’s like my Aunt Luisa and only cracks the fucking door.”
He was right. “I never noticed that before.”
“Old lady shit I guess,” he said. “Afraid someone is going to bust through it and attack them and shit.”
I rang the doorbell and waited to hear Mrs. Howard shuffle around and look through the peep hole. But after two knocks and another door bell. Nothing.
“Maybe we should check around the back. To make sure she is okay and all,” he said sliding his eyes over to me.
We both knew what he was saying. “You think we should break in?”
He looked around and whispered. “Yeah.”
“Let’s go,” I said motioning for him to follow me into the backyard. We unlatched the side gate and walked through. The back was landscaped like the front, neat and orderly with a lot of rose bushes. We turned the corner and peeked through the glass door.
“Think it’s safe to open?” I asked.
“Who the fuck knows? But we’re gonna anyways,” Hector said taking his tools out of his back pocket.
I stood watch while Hector worked his gift.
“Damn that was too easy. Nana here needs some better fucking locks,” Hector said swinging the door open.
We made our way through the downstairs with no surprises. The house was well kept just like the outside. It was decorated in grandma chic with older looking flower patterned sofas and knick knacks on every surface. We opened drawers and searched around, but didn’t find anything. We were heading up the stairs when I realized we missed a room.
“Hang on,” I said pointing to the hallway right off the front door. “Let’s check out what’s in there.”
“Damn Goldie. I’m already up the stairs. Do I really have to come down?”
I really had to get him to the gym.
“Yes.”
“Shit,” he mumbled. “What a pain in the ass.”
I ignored him and tried to open the door, but it was locked.
“Work your magic,” I said pointing to the door.
Hector was panting from his stomp down the stairs and his face showed he was anything but happy.
“Damn that was a lot of stairs,” he said while getting out his tools and getting to work on the lock.
“A two story house is hardly a sky scraper.”
“It fucking feels like one,” he grumbled. After a couple movements with his tools he threw open the door. Unable to fathom what we were seeing we stood frozen with our eyes springing out from our heads.
“What the fuck?” Hector said.
I was speechless and blinked a couple of times making sure I was seeing right. The windows were blacked out and on the walls there were black peg boards that held an assortment of whips, chains and sex toys. There were different sized dildos in various colors and vibrators hung up along with other equipment that I had never seen before. There was a rack with straps and pulleys that looked like they were stolen from the Grim Reaper’s torture chamber. In the corner there was several black leather dominatrix outfits hanging from a clothing rack along with some scary looking pointy shoes to match.
“Are we both thinking the same thing?” I asked not able to take my eyes away.
“That nana is a total freak,” Hector said his voice squeaking with the word freak.
I nodded then blinked again trying to picture Mrs. Howard here and couldn’t do it.
“Maybe it’s her brother’s room,” I suggested.
Hector slid his head to the side and looked at me. “He’s gonna wear those fucking outfits?” He asked pointing towards the corner.
I glanced over at the leather and rubber again. “But it just doesn’t fit,” I said. “I don’t get it.”
“It does if she is a fucking bullshit artist,” he said.
Just then we heard a noise coming from the closet.
“Did you hear that?” Hector whispered.
I nodded.
He held his finger to his lips then attempted to tip toe over to check it out with me trailing right behind him. When we got to the door he put his hand on the handle, but didn’t open it.
“What?” I whispered.
He made a pained face. “I’m afraid it’s going to be fuckin’ nana in one of those outfits. Man. I don’t want to see that.”
“Just go on,” I said. “Don’t be such a baby.”
“Okay, but if I have nightmares it’s gonna be your fault.”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
“I’ll take my chances,” I said and gave him a little nudge.
He took a deep breath then swung the door open. We both jumped back not knowing what to expect then glanced furiously around. Nothing. The closet was stuffed with just more black leather gear and extra toys.
“I bet one of those boxes got dildo heavy and fell down,” I said.
“Damn. How much weird shit does one woman need?” Hector asked.
I shrugged. “Maybe there was a sale.”
“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Hector said. “This dungeon crap is giving me the creeps.”
“I will save you mistress.”
Out of nowhere a skinny old guy crashed out of the closet and leapt onto Hector’s back. He started to whack him on the head with one of the chains that were attached to his black leather bondage outfit.
Hector tried to shake him off, but the guy who must have been a hundred years old latched on and wouldn’t let go.
“Goldie do something,” Hector yelled while running around bumping into walls making the room rain down with dildos.
I raced over and tried to pry the guy loose, but every time I got an arm or leg off he would maneuver his spider like appendages and continue to pound on Hector with his chains.
“Get this crazy motherfucker off me,” Hector screamed.
I frantically searched around and snatched a two headed monster dildo thing from the air and started to club the guy with it.
“Leave him alone,” I shouted whacking the old guy in the face, but he still wouldn’t budge.
“Mistress, I love you mistress,” The guy kept chanting.
If gramps didn’t shut up the whole neighborhood was going to hear us.
“Help,” Hector shouted while trying to bat the chain away with his hands.
I snatched a whip from the ground and worked up a sweat while whacking the old guy with both of my weapons until he began to loosen his grip. When I saw him weaken I went for the kill. I dropped the whip and with both hands swung the monster dildo at his head.
“Mistress,” The guy
said and collapsed to the floor.
Hector and I looked at each other for a beat then bolted for the back door not waiting for the old guy to get another wave of energy and spring at us again. I raced through the side yard then across the street making a beeline towards Baby with Hector following right behind me. I was shocked he was able to keep up. I guess a senior citizen in a leather bondage outfit smacking you with chains was a strong motivator.
I slid across the hood of the car to the passenger side as Hector roared Baby’s engine to life and screeched away from the house of freaks.
“What the hell was that?” Hector asked while trying to catch his breath.
“I don’t know,” I said back struggling to get the words out.
He glanced over with bewildered eyes then looked down at my lap. A look of horror spread across his face. “What the fuck?”
I shot my eyes down and screamed when I saw the big monster dildo was still in my hand. “Oh, my God,” I yelled and tossed it up the air wanting it away from me as fast as possible.
“Don’t get it on Baby,” Hector shouted.
He was worried about his car at a time like this?
“Get it away from me,” I yelled tossing it over to Hector.
“Fuck that,” He said batting it back to me while swinging Baby a sharp left to avoid driving into a mailbox.
“Oh no you don’t,” I said smacking it back. It ended up hitting Hector on the head then bounced between us landing on the seat.
Hector was pushing it in my direction with one hand and driving with the other when we heard a gunshot smash into Baby’s back windshield. Pieces of glass shattered around us. We covered our faces then whipped our heads around expecting to see bondage boy in hot pursuit. But saw scary bar guy with a gun in his hand leaning out the driver’s side window instead.
“I am sick of this shit,” Hector yelled.
So was I.
“Just drive I got this,” I said trying to be heard over the noise. I ducked when scary guy let off another shot. Then I grabbed the monster dildo and climbed into the back seat, took aim and flung it out the window. It sailed through the air, bounced off scary guy’s face and landed on his front windshield.
“Score,” I shouted.
All those years wearing those hideous outfits on my high school softball team really paid off.
Shocked by the dildo’s assault he dropped his gun and fell back into the car. He tried to regain control of the Ferrari but it started swerving side to side. I watched as his face registered what the three foot rubber monster blocking his view actually was. He started to furiously rub his face clean with his shirt and ended up slamming his car into a very elaborate black and gold wrought iron gate in the shape of a large sunflower.
“Yes,” I shouted then climbed back over the seat and latched my seat belt.
“Nice shot Goldie.”
“Thanks.”
“Man that fucker didn’t know what to do,” Hector said.
We both burst out laughing.
“No one would ever think they’d have a super-size dildo flying at them,” I said, laughing so hard I could barely get the words out.
“Hey, Goldie,” Hector said.
“Yeah?”
“I could really use a fucking donut right now.”
Hector and I had already disinfected ourselves from the monster dildo, gorged on donuts, dropped off Baby to be fixed at his cousin’s garage and were now heading towards South Central to our first repo in my Volkswagen.
“Man, Goldie your car is a piece of shit,” Hector said.
I had to agree. It was a roach coach. I tended to eat a lot in my car and there were pieces of fast food wrappers strewn about and a few old fries.
“Why thank you,” I replied sarcastically. “Not all of us relax by cleaning our cars.”
“Shit maybe you should ‘cause this thing is fucking sick,” he said picking a fry off his seat with two fingers and throwing it on the floor.
“Considering what happened today I would think your sick quotient would be higher,” I said resisting the urge to smile.
He made a face. “Don’t fucking remind me that nana has got some major issues,” he said.
“No kidding.”
“The abuelas in my neighborhood babysit and make tamales and shit. Not make DVDs of themselves fucking some guy they met on a dating site. And do all that other kinky shit we found in her house. And what was the deal with that old fucker in that weird ass outfit?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Have you ever seen anything like that before?” He asked.
“Never.”
“Me neither,” he said. “I’ve heard of crap like that, but thought it was only in the fuckin’ movies and shit.”
“What do you think really happened between her and Davies?” I asked.
“It was a shame that fucker was dead because those two freaks were perfect for each other.”
“She lied to me didn’t she?” I asked starting to feel like an idiot.
“Shit,” he said. “Don’t let it get you down.”
“I believed her when she said Davies conned her,” I said.
“It’s ‘cause you’re just fucking nice and all. Doesn’t mean you’re a dumb ass or anything.”
Getting cheered up by Hector was certainly an experience.
“Thanks,” I said knowing he was trying to help.
“What are you going to do about it?” He asked.
I thought for a moment then said, “I’m not sure yet.”
I didn’t really know where to begin. This is where I would usually call up Bryan and pick his brain, but since our break I was hesitant to call him.
“Do you think she clocked him?” He asked.
After seeing her cave full of toys the thought had crossed through my mind.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“You don’t want her and that old shit to come after you. You already have the fucker in the Ferrari and the old lady with the gun. You don’t need anymore.”
No kidding.
“Are you going to tell your cop lawyer what happened?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“Manuel?”
“Probably,” I answered.
Hector nodded. “Are you really going to dinner with him tonight?”
I lied to Hector about the reason I was going out with Manuel. I told him that we were meeting to discuss what to do about Fidel and Emil. If he knew the real reason I was sure he’d want to tag along.
“Yeah,” I said looking over and seeing his worried expression. “I thought you said he was a good guy and all.”
“Shit he is. The fuckin’ man,” he said with a huff.
“Then what’s with the strained mom look?”
“Nothin’,” he answered.
“It’s obviously not nothing,” I said.
He looked uncomfortable. “You know he isn’t the type to stick around and all if you two fuck. Just so you know. He’s not a dick or anything he just doesn’t stay in one place for too long.”
Sometimes I wished he had a filter on his mouth. “Who said anything about that?” I said raising my voice.
“Nothin’, I’m just saying,” he said
“Well don’t.”
“You and he haven’t yet?” He asked eyeballing my reaction.
I wish. “No.”
He gave me a look.
“No,” I said louder.
“Okay girl. No need to get all excitable.”
“Well stop then,” I said slamming my car into gear after the light changed. Hector was worse than my mother.