Chapter Three
I sighed when I clicked open the gate to my apartment’s underground parking garage. I was glad to be home. My tires seemed to squeal in agreement as I pulled into my parking spot. I grabbed the fanny pack and walked to the elevator hoping that none of my neighbors were around. I was too tired to talk to anyone. I debated about whether to knock on Jason and Jeff’s door. I knew they would baby me and make a fabulous dinner, but they would also ask a zillion questions. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into the hair pulling, pepper spraying story. Better to just go to my apartment, get on my pajamas and zone out in front of the TV.
When I walked down the hall I saw a familiar figure waiting for me. He was leaning against my door with a knowing grin on his face.
“Anything new you want to tell me about?” Bryan asked putting his arm around my shoulder and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
God he smelled good. I had to keep chanting to myself that we were broken up.
“No, nothing to tell,” I said. He obviously already knew about what happened. He had friends everywhere in this city and they were never shy about reporting my shenanigans.
Bryan and I had met in my senior year at UCLA when I broke into a science lab and freed the animals they had been doing experiments on. I was running from the campus police when I saw Bryan walking by and shoved the bunny I was holding into his messenger bag. I was smitten when he helped me ditch the campus police and didn’t even get angry after the bunny ended up crapping all over his law books.
He was from one of those families that seemed to have their fingers and money in everything. They wanted him to go into politics like his father and grandfather. He wanted that too, but not for the same reasons they did. He actually thought he could make a difference. I thought he was battling a hopeless cause. He worked in the district attorney’s office as a prosecutor, which was the first step in his carefully constructed future.
Six months ago he had asked me to marry him and I turned him down. I loved being his girlfriend, but being his wife sent me into a panic. There was no way I could see myself going to fundraisers and having that fake smile plastered across my face that his mother had permanently glued onto hers. If I married him I knew I’d have to change and I didn’t want to change. I liked me. After rejecting his proposal we both agreed to take a break and figure things out.
“Why didn’t you use your key?” I asked.
We were in that awkward phase where we were friends, but still wanted to jump each other’s bones.
“You never gave me another one after you lost yours and I had to let you in,” he said.
I didn’t remember, but that sounded like me.
“Stevie you can’t be serious with this job. Working in repo is definitely not a good fit for you,” he immediately launched in.
I ignored him. This wasn’t the first time he didn’t approve of my career path. I unlocked my door and threw my keys on the kitchen counter.
My apartment was a small one bedroom in a building built during Hollywood’s golden age. On the plus side it had high ceilings, wood floors and crown moldings. On the negative side it had no air conditioning, old appliances and bathroom fixtures that looked like they had been left over from the silent film era. The best part of the apartment was the balcony that overlooked the pool, which luckily on most days had an abundance of gorgeous gay men working on their tans.
“Don’t start,” I said.
“You know this job isn’t right for you,” he said. “How are you going to take someone’s car?”
“Actually I’m surprisingly good,” I said.
He gave me a doubtful look.
“I am.”
“Come on Stevie you graduated at the top of your class. You know you can get a better job than this.”
“I like this one.”
This was the basis of most of the fights we had. I did something he thought was crazy and he tried to convince me that it was a terrible idea.
“You need to quit,” he said.
“No way.”
“I can help you find another job.”
“I happen to like my boss and my co-workers are quite pleasant. So forget it.”
I crossed my arms in front of me. He glared at me knowing it was a lost cause.
“Stevie,” he said. “I deal with these types of people every day. You’re just too…nice for it.”
I put my phone on speaker to listen to my messages ignoring him.
It was Jeff. “Stevie we really need you to bring us some maxi pads and come up as soon as you get home.”
What? I had to replay his message three times to make sure what I had heard was right. Maxi pads? What’s up with that?
I heard Bryan sigh behind me. I turned around and smiled. I had a feeling Jeff’s message would stop him from nagging me about my job. Maxi pads would definitely not be on Bryan’s top things to talk about.
“I don’t want to know,” he said holding his hand up.
Jeff and Jason lived in the apartment above me.
“You don’t want to come with me and find out what’s going on?” I teased.
“No I don’t.”
“I know they’d love to see you.”
“I’m sure they would.”
I started laughing.
Jeff and Jason loved Bryan almost as much as I did. They thought I was crazy for turning him down. Bryan genuinely liked them, but sometimes got uncomfortable when they looked at him like he was lunch. I didn’t blame them. Sometimes I would stare at Bryan and find drool slipping out the side of my mouth. He was a foot taller than me and his body looked like one of those after shots in an advertisement for a gym. He had eyes the color of chocolate and dark blond hair that hung to the side and was always getting in his eyes. There was also something about him that made people want to bask in his aura.
“Scared?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said smiling. “The last time I saw them Jason kept accidentally bumping into me and touching my ass.”
True. Jason was tipsy and couldn’t resist.
“You could take it as a compliment,” I said.
He came closer to me and tilted my chin up to look at him.
“I’d rather get compliments from someone else.”
Yikes.
“I’m sure you’ve gotten compliments from lots of people lately,” I said accusingly.
He grinned. “Maybe…but not from the one I want,” he said kissing me lightly on the lips.
He had been baiting me like this for the past couple of weeks and I wasn’t going to give in. Even though I really wanted to. Having sex wouldn’t be good for either one of us. It was guaranteed to be fabulous. It always was, but the after wouldn’t. We’d still have the same problems. At least being friends we could still be in each other’s lives and not have the pressure of trying to fit into our different worlds.
I never asked if he had slept with other women and he never told, but I suspected he wasn’t staying home watching chick flicks with his two gay neighbors like someone else we both knew. I tried not to think of Bryan with anyone else. It wasn’t good for my psyche.
“I better go see what they need,” I said giving him a kiss on the cheek.
He pulled me close and hugged me.
“Your hair smells different. And what’s this?” He asked touching the side of it.
I reached up and felt it. It was definitely a little crunchy.
“The pepper spray was more powerful than I realized,” I explained.
“I should have known,” he said shaking his head.
He gave me a quick kiss on the lips goodbye. No tongue. Like a good friend and left.
Within five minutes I had the requested box of maxi pads, and was knocking on Jeff and Jason’s door.
Their apartment looked like a magazine spread, whereas mine looked like a dorm room in training. They shouted for me to come in the bedroom. Jason and Jeff didn’t have a TV in their living room. They said it ruined the
aesthetics. I interpreted that as meaning they thought it was tacky. They don’t even bother commenting on my place anymore. I told them it wasn’t that I had bad taste it was just that I had bad funds.
Jason was a red haired, blue eyed, good ol’ southern boy who just happened to be into dark, exotic looking men. That’s were Jeff came in. He was half Columbian, half Japanese and gorgeous. Jeff worked as a makeup artist in the entertainment industry and Jason was an entertainment lawyer. They’d been together for five years and were perfect for each other.
When I got into the bedroom I stopped in my tracks. “Oh, my God, what have you two done?” I was sure my eyes must have looked as if I they were ready to spring out of my head.
They were lying on their bed with pillows propping up their butts wearing only pajama bottoms. Their asses were huge and looked like they had been inflated with an air pump.
“What do you mean?” Jason said giving me a wide eyed innocent look that I was sure he practiced in the mirror.
Jason was the crazy one of the two and always seemed to get Jeff wrapped into his schemes. Jason liked to put on a little man’s tough guy attitude. I didn’t even realize he was gay until I met Jeff. Then the gig was definitely up. It’s wasn’t that Jeff was campy in any way, it’s just that if he got you a glass of water he brought it to you in a wine glass, with crushed ice, a lemon wedge on the side and a cocktail napkin.
“For God’s sake it looks like your butts are ready to explode.”
“We just worked out really hard today,” he said.
“Yeah, right. Why do you need my maxi pads then?” I held them up in the air as a witness to his insanity. “Is it to wipe the sweat off your swollen asses?”
I hated when Jason tried to bullshit me. He must have gotten away with a lot as a child because he would say the most outlandish stories and people would believe him. He wasn’t necessarily a liar only a really big exaggerator. Jeff was the sane one.
“I told you she wouldn’t believe us.” Jeff said accusingly at Jason.
“Dammit. Miss Nancy Drew has to notice everything.”
“Jason, anyone would notice those asses,” I said.
“I told him you would be suspicious when we asked for the pads, but he,” Jeff pointed at Jason, “Didn’t believe me.”
I rolled my eyes at Jason. He blew me a kiss back.
“So what really happened?” I asked.
“We got butt implants,” Jason blurted out.
I stared at them with my mouth hanging open.
“You did what?” I shook my head in disbelief. Of course, I knew about breast implants. This was LA. Even the meter maids had gigantic boobs that stuck straight out, defying gravity. But butt implants weren’t as common.
“Why would you do that?” I asked.
“Our friend Omar got a new boyfriend who gave him a credit card with no limit and he offered,” Jason explained.
“And you know Jason can never turn down a freebie,” Jeff said.
Jason was known to be very careful with his money and was a fanatic coupon clipper.
“He offered to buy you new butts?”
“You wouldn’t understand. You’ve got a fat ass.”
Was that a compliment?
“Stevie, you know gay men like big, round firm butts,” Jeff said
“Well, you too certainly are asses.” I gave Jason the maxi pads. “So, why do you need these?” I knew I probably didn’t want to know the answer, but I was too nosy not to ask.
“We’re having a slight reaction the implants,” Jeff said
I looked at Jason, wondering what kind of reaction would require maxi pads.
“Are asses are leaking,” he said.
I blinked my eyes a couple of times and looked at Jeff who nodded. I was trying not to get grossed out by pushing the image of their ass leaking out of my head.
“You asked,” Jason said smirking obviously finding my discomfort funny.
Jerk.
I walked down the stairs back to my apartment in a daze. My thoughts were clouded with visions of the boys using my maxi pads. Not exactly an image that would lull me to sleep. At least they were too distracted by their implants leaking. Otherwise they would have noticed the faint smell of pepper spray still lingering around me and would have grilled me about my day.
When I got inside my apartment I did a head shake in the hope that I would rattle my brain into forgetting the vision of the two of them in all their swollenness. After that was accomplished I went straight into the bathroom and hopped into the shower, doing a little extra hair scrubbing to get rid of the pepper spray residue. Then I did a quick towel off, pulled my wet hair into a pony tail. When I was putting on some undies and a T-shirt I heard someone in the front hallway.
Don’t get freaked out I told myself it could be Jeff and Jason. Then I started thinking there was no way it could be them. Jeff and Jason would fall backwards from the new weight of their posteriors. They could barely move.
My heart started to pound. Where was my bag? Damn. It was lying on the kitchen counter. For someone who never even saw pepper spray until this morning, I was a total pepper spray junkie now.
I could hear footsteps walking around. What should I do? I decided to tiptoe into the hallway to take a look.
“Where are you bitch?”
“Yeah, come out,” another voice taunted. “We know you’re here.”
Oh, my God. It was the hair puller and friend from this afternoon. I ran to my bedroom window, yanked it open and screamed my head off. I was so loud I was sure people as far away as the valley could have heard me.
Not exactly the action woman I thought I was. I ran back to the bathroom and locked the door. I heard them run down the hall. I flinched when I saw the bathroom door handle turn. I held the handle and pushed all my weight against the door. I was so scared I felt like I was going to throw up.
“You sneaky bitch,” hair puller said. “Fidel shoot the handle off the door.”
“I didn’t bring the gun. You were supposed to bring it.”
“No. It was you.”
“You’re always blaming me.”
“Fine. Forget it. Let’s just break the door down.”
I braced my feet on the floor and pushed my back against the door just as they both started to ram into it. With each hit I felt myself getting angrier. After all I was just doing my job. They should have paid their bills.
“Bitch we’re going to get you bad. You’re going to be our little bitch girlfriend,” said hair puller.
I heard Fidel laugh.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
“You just love that word don’t you? You know what bitch means? A female dog. So actually it is not really that insulting to me. I love dogs.”
“Shut up, bitch,” hair puller said.
“You just proved my point. Your repertoire is very limited,” I grunted while pressing against the door.
“You’re one crazy bitch,” shouted hair puller.
“There you go again.”
“She’s right you know,” said Fidel. “You do always use the word bitch.”
“What? Just break down the door,” hair puller said “You got us in a lot of trouble today…whore.”
He learned a new word.
“Yeah you’re going to take us to our car,” Fidel said.
“I don’t know where it is,” I answered.
I didn’t either. We just brought it back to Harriet’s and she had someone else take it wherever it needed to go.
“We’ll you’re going to find out and then we’re going to have some fun,” hair puller said. “You’re going to find out what it’s like to be with a real man.”
“When you find one let me know,” I said.
“She just insulted us, didn’t she?” Fidel said.
No shit. Just then I heard other footsteps run down the hall towards my bedroom.
More of their name calling friends?
“Stevie, are you
all right? Where are you?”
It was Jeff and Jason.
“Call the police,” I screamed.
I exhaled with relief and slid down to the floor.
“Let’s go,” shouted Fidel.
I heard them run down the hall towards the front door. I looked around for something I could use as a weapon. Nothing. As a last resort I grabbed a flat iron and hair spray, took a deep breath and flung open the bathroom door. I immediately stopped when I saw Jeff and Jason blocking the hallway. They were crouched down in attack position with their eyes squinting in anger.
“What the hell is that?” asked hair puller his eyes wide with disbelief.
“I don’t know, but it looks like they’re wearing diapers,” Fidel answered.
I shook my head and did a double take. I was shocked to see Jason and Jeff looking so fierce that I didn’t bother to notice what they were wearing or rather not wearing. They stood there with white bun huggers, designer of course, with very large maxi pad bulges. I should have told them that they only needed to use one at a time.
“Jeff you block the door until the police come,” Jason said. “And no you ignorant men in desperate need of a good waxing, we are not wearing diapers. Haven’t you ever seen women’s maxi pads?”
“What kind of craziness did you get me into Emil?” Fidel said.
“Just shut up and let’s go before the police get here.”
“I don’t want to get near those guys. It looks like they have some disease. Their butts are like a baboons. What if it is catching?”
“Just don’t get near their asses. Let’s go!” Fidel shouted.
“I know where you live.” I said, before putting my hand over my mouth when I saw them swing their heads around. Why don’t I just hang a sign on myself that said, “Kill me?”
The hairy beasts seemed shocked to see me out of the bathroom and charged towards me. Jeff and Jason wasted no time in propelling themselves after them. I stared stunned at the sight coming towards me.
Emil grabbed my wrist and raised his hand as if he was going to hit me. I took that opportunity to squirt him in the face with the hair spray. He covered his eyes and started screaming. I heard sirens in the distance. Fidel looked confused. He lunged toward me, but was pulled back by Jason and Jeff who grabbed him by his arms.
“You stupid bitch,” Emil screamed still clutching at his eyes.
The last bitch was just too much. I grabbed my flat iron, walked towards him and smacked him as hard as I could in his privates. Emil grabbed his crotch and fell to the floor moaning. Seeing his friend lying on the ground in agony sent Fidel into a panic. He wrenched his arms away from Jeff and Jason and screamed, “Don’t get your asses on me.” He tried to bolt. All three of us went running after him. He got as far as the door when Jeff jumped onto his back.
“Don’t touch me,” Fidel screamed while moving backwards smacking Jeff and his swollen ass against the wall. Jeff cried out and fell to the floor. I ran towards him and tried to help him up. Jason whose face showed he was beyond pissed, reached out and pinched Fidel’s nipple, twisting it until his hand turned red. I thought Fidel’s eyes were going to pop out of his head.
“I don’t want to be your boyfriend,” he begged in a high pitched voice.
Jason looked at me and rolled his eyes.
“Listen, you hairy ape, I’m going to let go but if you try to go out that door I am going to rub my infected ass all over you. You got it?”
Fidel looked at him in horror and nodded.
We heard what sounded like elephants coming down the hallway. Jason, Jeff and I blew out a collective sigh of relief.
“Damn,” said Jason. “A bunch of hot uniformed guys and we’re not even close to looking our best.”
I tried to smooth down my hair, which by this point was hanging in pieces all over.
“Oh honey, forget it,” Jeff said taking my hand away from my head. “There’s no hope.”
We looked at each other and started to laugh.
“Maybe they won’t notice,” Jason said which made us laugh even harder.
Screw it. I opened my front door and yelled down the hall, “We’re in here.”
I didn’t care that the three of us looked ridiculous. We stopped two psychos with nothing but hair spray and a flat iron. Jason and Jeff even did it while wearing an abundance of women’s feminine products.
To show my appreciation tomorrow I was going to buy them a boat load of maxi pads, order them a nice take out dinner and put on their favorite Broadway musical.