Chapter Eight
“At least you won’t be asking me a ton of fucking questions.”
I had explained my hangover situation to Hector as soon as I walked in the office and begged for no loud Spanish music when we headed out. I was grateful Gus and Victor had already come and gone. Without an audience Hector would be more subdued and not give me such a hard time.
He came closer to me, took a sniff and made a face. “Damn girl, you must have chugged it back cause you still smell like my Uncle Jose’ and he is a total fucking booze whore.”
Fabulous. I was getting told I was stinky by someone who looked like his knuckles should be dragging on the ground.
When Harry saw us from her office she gave us a wave and shouted out, “You look like shit Goldie.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Why does she look like crap?” Harry asked Hector. “I hired her for her wholesome good looks, so she could trick the shit out of our clients,” she hollered twisting back and forth in her office chair with her hands firm on her desk.
It looked like Harry was exercising. She was wearing an eighties sweat band under her bee hive hairdo and had on a black and white striped leotard.
“She has a hangover,” Hector explained.
Harry put a tights covered leg over the edge of the desk and stretched it out. “Goldie, darlin’ no one is going to open the door for you looking like that. Run a brush through your hair and put on some lipstick or something.”
I waved that I heard her, grabbed my purse and headed to the bathroom. The way I felt Harry was lucky I didn’t crawl in on my hands and knees. I had a message on my phone this morning where I heard two people moan in unison. I didn’t need to look at the number to know it was Jeff and Jason. They must be feeling the pain too.
I pushed my way through the silk flowers towards the bathroom mirror and stifled a scream when I saw the missing link staring back at me. Mascara was rimmed around my eyes making me look like a rabid raccoon and my hair would give any bird nest envy. I’d have to ask Jeff and Jason what to do about my skin later tonight. It looked parched and was badly in need of some nourishment.
I spent ten minutes trying to make myself look like I shouldn’t be wearing an animal skin and carrying a club. When I came out of the bathroom Hector nodded his approval.
“Better,” he said. “You look more like yourself.”
“Everything okay now darlin?” Harry asked looking at me while bending over and touching the floor with her hands. I had a flashback of the eighties aerobics tape my mother used to put on every morning. Harry exercising must be a regular occurrence because Hector didn’t seem to notice.
“I think so,” I said.
“Good,” she said looking at me approvingly. “Now you two shits go earn me some fucking money.”
Hector grabbed our paperwork out of his box and briefly glanced at it as we made our way out the back to the parking lot. I looked around half expecting to see Emil and Fidel. But then I figured Hector would have probably scared them off.
I cringed every time I thought of last night. Why’d I have to hurl in front of the hunky Latin guy? I knew I’d never hear the end of it if Hector and the boys found out. I was fairly confident Manuel wouldn’t say anything considering him and Hector talked in monosyllables to each other. I doubted you could grunt your way through and still tell the basics of the story. But I guess’ Stevie upchucked in front of me’ wasn’t an epic worthy of Homer either.
We got into Hector’s Baby and drove down Hollywood towards the Westside. He refused to drive in my “girlie” car, saying it was bad for his image. I pointed out his hypocrisy by asserting the minivan he sometimes drove was not exactly manly. He said the van was manly because it showed how “he made a couple kids and that proved his fucking cock worked just fine.” I couldn’t come up with any other arguments after the word cock. My mind went blank thinking of Hector as a baby making machine. He handed me the paperwork asking me to tell him the cross streets. I looked down and told him the names.
“I know exactly where that fucking is,” he said.
Hector had another gift besides hot wiring cars. He seemed to know every street in Los Angeles. We never used the GPS on our phones as he said that was for “pussies”. Gus told me Hector’s gifts also extended to being able to pick any lock. He was a talented guy.
He leaned over and turned the music on.
I groaned putting my hands up to my ears and turned it off.
“Remember? No music.”
“Shit Goldie, why’d you have to get all wasted last night? I like to listen to my fucking music. Damn. It just isn’t the same.”
I gave him a bitch look and he slumped down in his seat. His wife had him well trained. He knew when to back off.
“You don’t have to get all nasty. But I guess I can do without it for one day.” Then he looked at me sideways. “It is going to be one day right? You’re not some fucking drunk are you?”
Another chance to give him the bitch look.
“No, I am not,” I snarled. “Last night my friends Jeff and Jason tried to cheer me up by making me my favorite lemon drop martinis and we just got carried away.”
Hector made a face. “What a girlie fucking drink. You won’t catch any guy around my block drinking any alcohol with fucking fruit in it.”
Hector seemed to use the word fuck as an adjective, noun and a verb.
“Let me guess… you make your own moonshine in your garage that does double duty. It takes the grease off your engine and makes a great before dinner cocktail.”
He stared at me for a beat. “I don’t know what the fuck you just said, but I’m guessing it was some mean shit.”
I glared at him and grabbed the paperwork off my lap and started reading it. When I looked at the merchandise I knew Hector wouldn’t be happy.
“Did you check out what we were repoing today?”
He eyed me suspiciously. “I just saw it was in Santa Monica. Why?”
“It’s a bike,” I said waiting for his reaction.
He shrugged. “That’s cool. No prob’. My gift still works on bikes.”
He wasn’t getting it.
“It’s not a motorcycle. It’s a bike. You know the kind with pedals.”
He made a sour face. “A what?”
“A bike.”
“What the fuck? You mean the kind my kids ride on?”
“If your kids’ bikes cost over twenty thousand dollars then yes it’s that kind of bike.”
He snapped his head to look at me. “Twenty thousand? A fucking bike that doesn’t even have a motor costs that much?”
“Yep.”
Jeff and Jason rode bikes and I learned about the gear from them. I suspected they just rode so they could wear the outfits.
“Man…people really pay that much?”
I nodded.
“Shit what a fucking rip off.”
Yep. “Sure is.”
“You’re getting the merchandise ‘cause there’s no way I am. A guy has to have fucking standards.”
“Fine.” The least I could do was back him up. I hoped my still hung over head would hold out. We did a drive by checking out the house. It was a white craftsman, three blocks from the beach and looked nicely maintained. When it was first built it probably cost fifteen thousand, but now went for over a million. Hector parked a couple blocks away. He was so disgusted with having to repo a bike he barely looked up from the dash board.
“I’m going to go check it out,” I said opening the door.
“You know we’re not supposed to break into anyone’s house,” he said out of the corner of his mouth.
I nodded.
“Harry don’t like it when we do that illegal shit and stuff.”
I nodded again knowing he didn’t follow his own advice.
“Okay. Now make sure you don’t get caught. I get enough bitching from my wife I don’t want to hear it from Harry too.”
“Got i
t,” I said. “Do you have any tools for the bike?”
“What kind of tools?”
“The kind that would take a wheel off. So we can fit a bike in the back of your car.”
He scrunched up his face. “I don’t need a fucking tool to take off some pussy ass wheel off some crappy bike. I’ll just use my hands. That’s all the fucking tools I need.”
I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Yes I have some. They’re in the trunk.”
“Good.”
“Whatever. Just let me know when you’re done.” He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a little black bottle and a cloth. “I’ll be here polishing my rims until you get back. No sense me wasting my fucking time.”
I walked away still hearing him mumbling complaints about how the repo business was going down the shitter.
I was wearing running shoes, black sweat pants and a white t-shirt. My hair was in its usual pony tail. It was the perfect blending in outfit. I was just someone jogging through. I was definitely not there to take your possessions.
When I got to the house I went to the door and gave it a knock figuring I’d just play dumb and ask for directions if anyone was at home. When no one came to the door I walked around to the side and opened the gate. I tried the garage door, but it was locked. Damn. I could go back to the car for help, but considering Hector’s mood I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. I checked every window and door, but they were all locked too.
I was just about ready to leave when I glanced down and saw a familiar looking rock. Could I be so lucky? I picked it up and turned it over. Yes! It was a hide-a-key. There was no alarm sign so I was good to go.
I opened the door to the garage and crept in. There were no cars, but the bike was there in the middle of the garage like a sculpture in a museum. It was a bright yellow and resting a couple of feet above the ground on a rack. It was well taken care of. It looked like the bike equivalent of Hector’s car.
I knew it wouldn’t be too heavy for me to lift off the rack. The more expensive the bike the lighter it would be. I was just getting it off when I heard a car pull up in the driveway. Shit. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I wanted to run, but I didn’t want to leave empty handed. I rolled the bike out the door and waited on the side hiding behind some garbage cans. I heard a couple arguing on the driveway.
“You love that thing more than me,” a woman shouted.
“I just ride to relieve stress,” a man’s voice argued back. “Do you realize how difficult my job is?”
“You ride that bike…more than you ride me.”
It was getting ugly. I looked down at the bike and said, “You’ve been causing some trouble around here.”
“Well maybe I enjoy riding it more than I enjoy riding you. Have you ever thought of that?”
Yikes. That was a low blow. This guy deserved to get his bike repoed.
The two of them went on and on with one accusation after another. I was sitting on the ground with my hands over my ears. My throbbing head was not happy.
“You know what I’m going to do?” The woman screamed. “I’m going to take a hammer and destroy that bike. What do you think of that?”
“Oh no you’re not.”
I peeked around the corner and saw them both rushing into the house elbowing each other along the way. I bolted around the corner pushing the bike along the side of me. I was keeping my eye on the door and wasn’t paying attention where I was going and ended up bumping into a tree. Then I heard a mass buzzing sound springing up from the weird squishy thing that fell from a branch. When I looked down it was almost like a cartoon. There were a bunch of angry looking wasps circling around looking for some payback for destroying their home. When they spotted me they came buzzing in my direction at full force.
I ran pushing the bike next to me because it was too tall for me to ride. But when I saw the swarm was closing in I hopped on it and tried to reach the seat. I ended up riding on the bar killing my butt and doing serious injury to my privates. But my fear of the angry swarm behind me overruled the major pain to my lower regions.
“Hey that’s my bike,” The guy shouted.
The fighting couple was on the front lawn staring at the spectacle before them. The man started to run after me.
“Oh, no you don’t,” the woman yelled pulling him back.
“Let go of me. I need that bike.”
Get a life mister.
“You are so sick.”
I didn’t turn to look back at them, I was too busy trying to ignore my pain and getting the hell away from the black cloud behind me. I raced down the street hearing the buzzing all around me. I turned the corner and saw Hector crouched down polishing his rims.
“Help!” I screamed.
He squinted trying to see what was chasing me. Then I saw his eyes bulge out recognizing what was trailing me. He jumped into the car and shut the door behind him. I was just about ready to put a curse on him for abandoning me when he leapt out of the car holding what looked like two rocket launchers. I rode by him and he jumped in front of me directly in the path of the wasps like a huge three hundred pound wall of flesh.
“Take that you mother fuckers,” he yelled.
I kept pedalling but turned around to see Hector holding the launchers in front of him. A huge stream of foamy stuff was coming out of them.
“Yeah. You like that assholes. Come get some more from Papa, fuckers.”
I stopped and turned the bike around and watched Hector with my mouth hanging open. He was moving his arms around and crutching up and down like he was doing Tai Chi. It was almost as if he was in one of martial arts movies where the characters mouths move and the English dialogue comes with a three second delay. I was surprised that even with his amount of girth that he could be so flexible.
“I thought so.” He said giving one last squirt as the black cloud high tailed it in the opposite direction. “Little shits.”
He walked over to me. “Are you okay Goldie?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“What was that stuff you sprayed?”
“It’s a type of pepper spray. It’s the super macho size. It can take down a fucking elephant. I got it in Mexico. Pretty cool huh?”
“Yep. Cool.”
I took a deep breath and felt my heart rate slowdown from ‘I’m going to die a horrible death’ to ‘I want a king size Snickers’ pace.
I tried to get off the bike but when I tried to lift my leg I winced because my crotch was on fire. I sucked in the pain and hurled my leg over the side, got my foot blocked by the seat and fell over with the bike on top of me.
“Crap,” I said when I saw my arm was bleeding. I didn’t heal well. The slightest scratch and it seemed to take months for the scar to go away.
“Shit girl you went down like a rock. Are you all right?”
Hector lifted the bike off and helped me up.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I looked down and saw my pants were torn on one leg and my knee was bleeding. I quickly checked the bike to make sure I didn’t do any damage. Whew. It seemed fine.
Dang. I rubbed my arm. “I did all this from one fall?”
Hector nodded. “You also got a cut on your cheek.”
“Really?” I reached up and felt the side of my face.
“Its cause you too fucking skinny Goldie. You need some extra meat.”
Here we go with the meat thing again.
Hector lifted the bike again. “What the fuck? It don’t weigh nothin’.”
“That’s why it’s so much money,” I explained as I limped along following him back towards the car.
“What? That don’t make sense.”
“So when you ride it’s lighter so you’ll go faster.”
“Rich people are fucking crazy.”
I heard yelling. I peeked around Hector and saw the arguing couple heading our way. She was a thirtyish attractive blond and he looked like he was in his fifties, sal
t and pepper hair in a comb over and had a middle age spread around his stomach.
The woman hopped on his back trying to prevent him from coming in our direction or rather the bike’s direction.
“Here they come,” I said. “Hurry, get the wheel off.”
Hector was bent down next to the bike wheel. He barely glanced up at the approaching couple.
“Any guy that pays twenty thousand dollars for this light piece of shit deserves to get his ass kicked.”
“That’s my bike,” the man said pointing his finger.
Hector slowly stood up and I watched the man’s eyes widen. The woman smiled and let herself slip off the man’s back.
“Um…that’s mine.” He said his voice quivering.
Hector rolled his eyes and took out the paperwork from his pocket.
“This here,” he said shaking it in the air. “Says that you haven’t paid your bills and we are repoing this shitty ass bike.” He gave the bike a little shove. The man inhaled sharply and reached out for it. “Now don’t give me any shit about it ‘cause I’m already pissed about having to take this fucker.”
“What?” The man said confused. Then he turned to the woman. “You didn’t make the payments did you?”
A look of triumph creased across the woman’s face. “No. I. didn’t.”
“You bitch,” The man shouted.
Hector ignored them, got the tire off and put the bike in the trunk while the couple continued to argue. I walked around them and got into the car.
When Hector got in he shook his head and said, “What a bunch of crazy mother fuckers.”
When we got back to the office Gus and Victor were playing video games and barely noticed us coming in. Hector was carrying the bike, but held it away as if he was too disgusted to have it close to him. He had put the wheel back on in the parking lot still grumbling about how humiliating it was to have to repo a bike. The boys glanced up, gave a grunt to greet us and went back to playing. Hector seemed relieved and quickly put the bike in Harry’s office. She wasn’t in, but her perfume lingered marking her territory.
“Damn,” Gus shouted.
“You suck,” Victor said. “Man, it’s boring to play you. You ain’t even a fucking challenge.”
Hector looked at me a shook his head. Then he went and got a first aid kit from one of file cabinets and tossed it to me.
“What happened to you Goldie?” Victor asked noticing my cuts for the first time.
Hector gave me a ‘don’t say anything’ look.
“It’s nothing,” I said.
“Did one of the repos do that to you?” He pressed.
I shook my head. I wanted to help out Hector, but I didn’t want to lie either.
He knit his eyebrows together. “Did you do that breaking in somewhere?”
“No.”
“Then what the hell happened. What’s the big mystery?” Gus jumped in.
I exaggeratedly drifted my eyes over to Hector. He crossed his arms and pursed his lips together. I raised my eyebrows at him wanting him to take over. He was the one with the issue with the bike. Not me.
He sighed and flung his arms up in the air. “Fuck it. She fell off a bike after being chased by a bunch of crazy mother fuckin’ wasps. Okay?”
Gus and Victor had confused looks on their faces.
“What the hell?” Victor asked.
Hector exhaled loudly. “We had to repo a fucking bike today. And I don’t want to hear any fucking shit about it either.”
They looked at each other then back to us still not understanding.
“What’s the big deal?” Gus asked. “We repo bikes all the time.”
Hector’s face twisted up with disgust not wanting to give the details. He looked at me to explain.
“It’s not a motorcycle. It’s a bicycle.”
They both scrunched up their faces trying to understand.
They still didn’t get it.
I stomped to Harry’s office and brought it out.
Hector visibly cringed away from it.
“This kind of bike,” I said shoving it in front of them.
They were quiet for a minute then burst into laughter hitting their legs and falling over on the sofa.
“If you tell anyone I am going to kick your asses,” Hector said.
“I don’t know Hector. This might be too good to keep to ourselves,” Victor said still laughing.
Hector walked over and pulled him off the sofa by his shirt.
They both stopped laughing.
“Damn Hector we were just pulling some shit,” Victor said. “We wouldn’t really say nothin’.”
Hector let go and he tumbled backwards onto the floor.
“What the hell?” Victor shouted.
“Sorry you sort of slipped,” Hector smirked.
“You guys are so pathetic,” I said. “What’s the big deal?”
“You’re a chick,” Hector said. “You don’t understand.”
Victor and Gus nodded.
“It’s worth twenty thousand dollars,” I argued. “I’m sure Harry wouldn’t have agreed to repo it unless she got a big chunk of it.”
Victor and Gus got up and looked over the bike in amazement.
“Damn. This fucker is worth that much?” Gus said.
“Yeah and it don’t weigh nothing either,” Hector pointed out. “Lift it.”
Gus picked it up and handed it over to Victor.
“Fuck me,” Victor said. “This is bullshit.”
“And look,” Hector said. “It even has a hole in the seat. What kind of cheap mother fucker thing is that?”
I tried not to laugh. “Do you know what that’s for?”
They stared waiting for me to tell them.
“It’s for the guy’s…um…”
I didn’t want to actually say the word but I knew the subtle way wouldn’t cut it.
“Balls.”
Looks of horror spread across their faces.
“What the fuck?” Hector said his face pursed up in disgust.
“If a guy rides a long distance a certain area can get numb,” I added.
I found out about the numb nuts situation when Jeff and Jason had called me totally freaking out. They thought they had some strange disease. I researched online and found out about the numbness issue. I saved them months of Viagra and doctor’s visits.
“Numb? Like you can’t feel it?” Victor asked in shock.
That’s what numb means. I nodded. “Or use it.”
They all broke out in a chorus of curse words.
“Let me get this straight,” Hector said slapping his hands together. “These guys spend twenty thousand on a bike that has a hole in the fucking seat to let their nuts hang?”
I nodded.
“If they don’t their dicks can’t get fucking hard?”
I nodded again.
They gave each other looks then broke out into another round of cursing.
“That kind of shit would never go over in our neighborhood,” Hector said. “Would it amigos?”
Gus and Victor nodded.
“We like to exercise and use our dicks at the same time,” Victor said.
Hector and Gus started laughing and gave him high fives.
“Got that right,” Gus said.
“Unfortunately for you the only body part besides your dick you exercise is your hand,” Victor said slapping him on the back.
Hector high fived Victor then laughed and pointed at Gus.
“He got you bad, fucker,” Hector said to Gus.
He glared at both of them.
Just then the front door to the office opened. We all turned to see who it was. My jaw dropped when I saw Mrs. Howard walk in. I gave Hector a sideways glance to see if he recognized her. He did a little nod letting me know that he did. She looked like she should be going to church pot luck in the valley not a repo office on Hollywood Boulevard.
Hector made eye contact with me and let
his eyes drift to the back door. I shook my head. I didn’t want to run away. My guilt over tricking her was bad enough I didn’t want to add to it by avoiding her.
Mrs. Howard looked shocked when she got a look at Hector and his two minis. I walked over to her and said hello.
“Stevie right?” She looked embarrassed.
I nodded. “Can I help you Mrs. Howard?”
“You remember me?” She asked.
I ate a gallon of ice cream to get over the guilt of lying to you.
“Of course.”
“I’m not here to cause any trouble.”
That was a relief.
“The bank explained what happened.” She said her voice quivering.
“Then why are you here?” I asked as gently as possible.
She glanced over to the boys who were listening intently. They quickly pretended to play video games grabbing the controllers and yelling at each other about which game to play. I noticed they picked one with less violence and started to play. I’m sure they didn’t want to insult someone’s nana.
“You knew what my man friend was up to didn’t you?”
“It didn’t sound good,” I answered.
“Tony, that’s his name…he wouldn’t return my calls after I told him I couldn’t give him any more money. My brother doesn’t know about his car. He gets back in three days,” she said wringing her hands. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t get your car back for you.”
“Goldie was just doing her job,” Hector called out from the back.
Apparently he had the gift of supersonic hearing too.
“I know,” she said.
“Then why are you here?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Hector chimed in from the back.
I turned around and gave him the death stare. I didn’t need an echo.
“I was hoping…that you could…maybe help me get my money back from Tony,” she said.
Me?
“How?” I asked.
“Yeah how?” Hector shouted out.
I turned around to glare at him again and saw Victor elbow Hector in the ribs. “Ow. Fucker. What the hell?”
Could he be any more obvious?
Mrs. Howard looked confused about who to answer.
“Why do you think I could help you get your money back? I don’t even know who this Tony person is,” I asked.
“I’m not sure…it’s just that you seemed so good at lying to people. I totally believed you when you said you were from the Automobile Authority place,” she said. “I thought maybe you could con Tony into giving me my money back.”
I heard Hector and the boys laughing.
“Damn. I told you fuckers she was good,” Hector said.
I pretended I didn’t hear him.
“I don’t think I can help you,” I said. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
Mrs. Howard nodded. Then tears started to fill in her eyes.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she said sniffling. “How am I going to tell my brother what happened? He’s got such a temper on him.”
Guilt rushed through me. I had to at least try to help her.
“Okay,” I said reaching for a pencil and paper from the top of one of the file cabinets. “Tell me everything you know about him.”
“What?” Hector yelled. “Goldie what the hell are you doing?”
His reaction sounded scarily similar to Bryan’s.
“You don’t know how to find people and shit,” he said walking over to us. I watched as Mrs. Howard took a step back.
“Hector this is my business not yours,” I snapped.
“Girl giving me ‘tude again.” His phone rang stopping him in mid-rant. He looked at who was calling and I could tell by his expression it was his wife. I had already seen the same look on his face several times today. He groaned then answered with the familiar, “Yes Yolanda.”
Thank goodness for Yolanda. I knew she would keep him occupied long enough for me to get the information from Mrs. Howard without any more interruptions. I glanced at Victor and Gus who were so into their game they had forgotten we were there. At least they wouldn’t be pestering us either.
Mrs. Howard didn’t really know much about the geriatric lothario except his name was Tony Grazio. He was a supposed former pastor at a church in Northridge. She told me the address he gave her was fake because she went there looking for him and no one had ever heard of him.
I told her I’d call her when I found out anything. She left looking a lot happier than when she came in. I really wanted to help her, but the person I’d normally go to about something like this was Bryan. Considering he wanted a break from the chaos telling him about this was not an option. It would only enforce why he made the decision to take a break from me. There had to be another way.