“Why did you need them, Kenzi? What happened?”
“It shouldn’t affect me anymore. It was thirteen years ago.”
Dax’s hand clenched on the phone. “I’m coming over.”
“No. I couldn’t say this to your face.”
Dax forced himself to stay seated. “Okay.”
“I was stupid, Dax. I snuck out to a party I shouldn’t have. Dean warned me to stay away from the guy, but I thought I was a better judge of people.”
“What guy?”
“I can’t say, Dax. I don’t ever want to say or hear his name. Can you understand that?”
“Yes.” Although that won’t save him. Nothing will stop me from finding him.
After a quiet moment, Kenzi continued, “I chose to leave the party with him. I chose to drink the alcohol he gave me. What happened was my fault, I know that, but it wasn’t right.”
“What did he do?” Because pain will soon be coming his way.
She let out an emotional breath. “Exactly what you think. I tried to say no, but nothing I said mattered. When it was over he dropped me back at the party like it hadn’t happened. But it had. The next day Dean beat the guy so badly he almost killed him. I don’t know how he found out because no one else ever did. Suddenly the police were asking questions about Dean. I was scared. Scared of how my mother would react. Scared of what people would think of me. I just kept quiet, and the longer I kept quiet the more I couldn’t say anything. I eventually tried to tell my parents, but I didn’t get past the part where I’d snuck away to the party. They were already so angry that the truth didn’t matter. They believed Dean was a bad influence on me and sent me to a boarding school.”
“Kenzi, what that bastard did was not your fault.”
“Maybe not, but everything since has been. I should have stood up for Dean instead of getting him in trouble for defending me. I’m not the perfect daughter my parents think they raised. I’m not the innocent I pretend to be. I went into a bad place for a while when I first went away. I did drugs. I went from one bad relationship to another. I tried everything to wipe it away, to look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I was. But nothing wipes it away. I thought I could put it behind me, just pretend none of it ever happened. It worked for a while, but lately I can’t get it out of my head. I’m twenty-eight years old, and I am not the person I thought I would be. Do you know what I do with my time? Nothing. Do you know what I care about? Nothing. I’m going to turn thirty before I know it, and I haven’t done a single thing that matters. All I’ve done is lie to myself and others. I don’t want to live like that anymore, but I don’t know what to do next.”
I hope that bastard is still alive because I’m going to kill him.
Kenzi let out a half-laugh, half-sob. “I told you I’m a mess. My brothers do whatever the hell they want. They took what happened to us and they used it as motivation to succeed in the business world. Me? I shut down instead. I waste my time dreaming about how I wish things were. Do you know why I love islands? I listen to the sound of the waves, and I imagine what my life would have been like if my brother had lived, how everything might have been different. I have this reoccurring fantasy of us all being together and happy. I know it can’t happen, but when I go to an island I feel closer to a brother I never met. So that’s it, that’s how I’ve been doing. Not too well.” She blew her nose again. She was silent for a few minutes then said, “Thank you for letting me finally say this to someone.”
“Shit, Kenzi.” There was so much he wanted to say that he couldn’t find the words to articulate. “Is this what you told your parents?”
She laughed without humor. “Thankfully, no. It was bad enough when I told them I hate never celebrating my birthday because it would upset my mother. I may have mentioned how I don’t like game night and that I was sick of pretending to be happy when I’m not. It was enough to send my mother running and earn me a lecture from my father. They can’t handle the truth.” She sighed. “I completely understand if you never want to hear from me again, but you don’t know how good it felt to finally say it out loud.”
Dax rubbed a hand harshly across his face. “Where are you?”
“My apartment,” she answered tentatively.
“I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
“No. Wait,” she said in a rush. “You can’t come here.”
Dax stood. “Give me a good reason why I can’t.”
“After everything I said . . .”
“Wear comfortable shoes. It’s beautiful outside. I’m taking you for a walk in the sunshine.”
“Please don’t feel that you have to—”
Dax was already texting his driver to meet him downstairs. “Kenzi, I don’t do a damn thing I don’t want to do. I need some fresh air and you do, too. Unless you don’t want to see me. If not, say it now.”
Kenzi made a soft sound that might have been from crying again. “I’ll be ready when you get here.”
Before he hung up, Dax said, “Kenzi, you are a beautiful woman—inside and out. Knowing what that bastard did doesn’t change how I feel. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Yes,” she said as if she wasn’t sure it was really happening.
Dax shot off an email to his team telling them to hold off on his earlier instructions then strode out of his office and made it out of the building in record time. On the drive to her apartment he admitted to himself that he hadn’t been honest with her. What she’d said had shaken him. He kept his distance from people. He told himself they were all replaceable.
But Kenzi.
Well, she’d just found a way into his heart.
And he had a feeling nothing would ever be the same.
Chapter Seven
Kenzi rushed through showering, doing her hair, and applying makeup. She briefly hesitated while choosing what to wear then decided on simple slacks and a blouse. Dax wasn’t on his way over to take her on their second date. He was checking in on her because she’d called him like a support hotline.
She gave herself one last look in the mirror. Her eyes were red from crying¸ but there was a spark of hope in them that hadn’t been there for a long time. I told him. I told him everything. And he didn’t run from me. He didn’t shatter beneath the weight of it.
Her eyes misted up, but she dabbed the tears away before they could ruin her makeup. Reality, I know you have to come crashing in soon, but please don’t let it be today. Let me have one day where I am with someone who sees the real me and still thinks I’m not broken.
She waited on the outside steps of her apartment building. Dax was right, being in the sunshine was just what she needed. She took several deep breaths. It was hard not to run to meet him when his car pulled up. She stayed where she was, though, and waited.
The look in his eyes when he saw her almost had her crying again. She felt beautiful when he smiled at her that way. He stopped just before the bottom step and held his hand out to her. “Ready?”
She descended the stairs to join him. “You came.”
He looked down at her with the oddest expression on his face. “Did you think I wouldn’t?”
She searched his face. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you hadn’t.”
He cupped her face. “Kenzi, I will always come when you need me. Always.” He turned, tucked her hand in his arm and drew her forward to walk with him down the busy sidewalk. It was a hefty promise from a man who hardly knew her, but Kenzi believed him. “Now, show me why you chose this neighborhood. Does it have anything to do with the bike path a block away?”
Kenzi smiled. He didn’t feel like someone she’d just met. Their connection felt more real than anything she’d felt in a long time. “Yes. It runs along the river, and I love going there. It’s peaceful but also always full of young people exercising or walking their dogs.”
He guided her along. “I’ve never liked dogs.”
She gave him a sidelong look. He was keeping to safe topics as if he knew she
was still shaken from their earlier conversation. “Really? Why not?”
He shook his head. “They’re messy and annoying. I don’t see why people take animals that belong outside, bring them inside, then wonder why they destroy everything.”
Did he honestly believe that? How sad. Then a thought came to her. “You’ve never had one.”
“No.”
In so many ways they were polar opposites. Dax spoke his mind and didn’t back down. Kenzi had been raised to keep her thoughts to herself and put her feelings aside. Yet, somehow, they were alike. “I wanted a puppy when I was a child, but my father said a houseful of children was all my mother could handle. Pets were not an option.”
Kenzi didn’t expect Dax to say more on the topic, but for a moment he looked as if he were lost in the past. “Not for me, either. My father married and divorced three women before I was twelve years old, and none of them were my mother. I spent most of my time at boarding school, but when I was with my father we were always leaving for somewhere. I wasn’t allowed to bring much with me. My father hated clutter. He only found value in the newest and shiniest of anything. He died in a plane crash with his fourth wife. The most important lesson he taught me was getting attached to anyone or anything is a waste of time and energy.”
Kenzi stopped walking and pulled Dax to a halt beside her. “You don’t believe that.”
He frowned down at her. “I absolutely do.”
She searched his face, and what she saw there wasn’t the cold and bitter man he described. He was a man who had been hurt, maybe not in the same way she had been, but enough that he shut a part of himself down—just as she had. She’d bet her life on that. It was the softer side of him that drew her to him. “I’m getting attached to you. Is that a waste of time?”
“Don’t look at me that way, Kenzi. I’m not the man you want to believe I am.”
Kenzi shook her head. “You’re not the man you think you are, either.” She followed an urge and wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his chest. Although being that close to him sent her senses into overload, her attraction to him came second to her desire to comfort him.
At first he held himself stiffly under control, then he gave in and pulled her tighter against him. She thought he would kiss her, but instead he buried his face in her hair. “God, Kenzi, I don’t know what to do with you.”
She waited for him to say more, explain what he meant, but he didn’t.
He set her back from him and said, “Come on. Let’s get something to eat.”
When they exited the small coffee shop where they’d ordered drinks and sandwiches to go, the benches near it were taken, so they ate as they walked. A question had been brewing in Kenzi that she could no longer hold back. “When do you go back to London?”
He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed it slowly before answering. “I have a local project I need to resolve first.”
Me? God, don’t let that be how he sees me. Growing up with so many brothers had taught her that sometimes the depth she sought in a conversation simply wasn’t there. There was a good chance when Dax described how he felt about a work venture, he was actually referring to work and nothing else. Still, the vague way he answered made her more curious. “What kind of project?”
“It’s a complicated situation. I prefer to keep business just that—business. This one has the potential of becoming personal, and every time I think I have a clear handle on how to proceed, it takes another turn.” He threw the rest of his sandwich in a trash barrel they passed and turned to her. “I don’t want to talk business.”
“Me either.” The way he was looking at her made work the last thing on Kenzi’s mind, too. There was a yearning in his eyes that echoed how she felt whenever she was near him. He stepped closer and bent his head until his mouth hovered just above hers. She licked her bottom lip. It would be so easy to close the distance between their mouths and kiss him. Their breath mingled. Kenzi had never wanted a man as much as she wanted him, and that she could feel that way without even touching him was as scary as it was exciting.
“You look better,” he said huskily.
“Better?” she asked. Looking into his eyes, there was nothing before or after that moment. There was only him and how he made her feel.
“Than when I first came over. You’re not blotchy anymore.”
Kenzi blinked quickly a few times as his words sunk in. Her hands went to her hips and desire mixed with irritation. “My hearing must be off because it sounded like you just insulted me.”
He chuckled. “Never.” He ran one hand up the side of her neck and traced her chin. “You’re beautiful in any color.”
If his touch hadn’t felt as good as it did, she might have still been offended. She tried to think of something witty to say to him, but all she could think about was the kiss he looked as if he were about to give her.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he swore. He checked his messages and Kenzi knew before he said it that he had to go. “I have an important meeting this afternoon I didn’t think to cancel.”
Kenzi pushed her disappointment aside and smiled. “That’s okay. This was perfect. Thank you.”
He replaced his phone in his pocket and offered her his arm. Their earlier walk had brought them disappointingly close to her apartment, and she was on her steps too soon.
“I’ll call you,” he said then turned away and disappeared into his town car.
Confused, Kenzi sat down on the steps and stayed there for a long time. Dax seemed to like her. There were times when she was convinced he was just as attracted to her as she was to him, but then he would pull away.
What did I expect his reaction would be when I told him the truth about me? I’m sure that’s not a turn-on for many men. Still, he came because he was worried about me. So, he cares. Focus on that. There’s the good. Everything else? Useless wishing. The only way my life will change is if I stop dreaming and start doing something.
Something worthwhile.
On the heels of that thought came the realization that she’d left her phone in her apartment. Messages from her family were probably waiting for her inside. She closed her eyes and turned her face toward the sun.
Everyone will want me to apologize. I’m not sorry about what I said, but I could have approached the conversation better. I can’t go back to how things were before, but maybe I can find a way to be myself without hurting those I love.
I can do this.
Kenzi forced herself to leave the peace and quiet of outside. She checked her phone, but there were no missed calls. Nothing. Only because she found it impossible to sit still, she cleaned her apartment until it shone. Paid bills. Organized her closets. She did everything she could to keep her mind off her family and Dax.
She slept fitfully that night, remembering only snippets of the nightmares that had plagued her. After a quick shower and coffee, she called Willa. “Are you working today?”
“We were supposed to be, but it fell through. What do you need?”
Kenzi bolstered her courage and said, “I’m not happy with what I’m doing—or not doing as far as work right now. I need to come up with a plan. No one knows me as well as you and Lexi do. Could you help me? I want to make some major changes.”
“Hang on.” Willa called to her sister. “Lexi, get in the shower. We’re heading over to Kenzi’s place. She’s decided to do something with her life and wants our input.” Ouch. Leave it to softly spoken Willa to say it as it was. Her honesty was what Kenzi always loved, so it was impossible not to appreciate it in that moment, even if it stung a little.
“A full life makeover will cost her breakfast,” Lexi replied. “Ask Kenzi if her cook can whip up those omelets we love.”
Willa laughed, “Lexi wants to know. . .”
“On it,” Kenzi said. Most of the time Kenzi cooked for herself, but she did have a cook on speed dial for special occasions. Willa said they’d be over soon and hung up. Kenzi exchanged a few quick tex
ts with her cook, pocketed her cell phone, and smiled. Anyone else would have asked her a hundred questions or assured her that her life was fine as it was. Only Willa and Lexi knew her well enough to know she was serious. She trusted them as she trusted no one else.
Except Dax.
After how kind he had been the day before, she didn’t really want to spill her problems all over him again. Still, she believed if she did, he would come by. But I don’t want him to be with me because he feels sorry for me.
She shook her head and told herself to concentrate on things she could control. She could spend the night trying to figure out what Dax felt for her, but it wouldn’t accomplish anything, and Kenzi was determined to start making better decisions.
The cook arrived and prepared decadently fattening breakfast then left just as Willa and Lexi appeared. All three of them ate more than they should have then moved over to the living room.
Willa brought a notebook and pen. Lexi carried her laptop in. Kenzi brought her courage. Although there were things she’d never told her friends, she wasn’t afraid they’d judge her. They never had. Kenzi had spent quite a lot of time recently asking herself why she’d felt paralyzed emotionally. She could place the blame on how she’d been raised to keep a smile on her face and her thoughts to herself, but where she’d been didn’t matter as much as where she was going.
“Before we start, I have something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was afraid to.” Kenzi took a deep breath and told her two closest friends about the night in high school that had changed her life. She shared her shame about Dean and how she’d held her silence even when he’d gotten in trouble with the law. They listened quietly as Kenzi concluded. “I know the reasons I am the way I am, but I want to be more. For a long time I have felt trapped inside myself. And I thought everyone was stopping me from being who I wanted to be. But I’m beginning to think I was stopping myself. I could have done things differently. I could do things differently now. I don’t want to hurt anyone or disappoint my family, but I want to look in the mirror and like who I see. Can you help me figure out how to do that?”