‘What about Raven? It must’ve been a shock—you know how Gloria seems to other people.’
‘Tell me about it.’ Kieran had died with shame the day two years ago when Joe had seen him with Gloria and Isaac at HQ for their sixth-monthly meeting—something Isaac insisted on to keep the family link going. Joe had never mentioned it again after Kieran had reluctantly explained who she was.
‘Now I understand why she’s upset that we’ve been lying to her. I laid it on thick when we first spoke about your posh background.’
Kieran felt suddenly very tired. ‘Can’t do anything. She’s collateral damage of the mission.’
‘That’s harsh.’
‘Isaac’s orders. Red line. No personal relationships. He says he’ll make sure she’s OK at the end.’
‘But you really like that girl, Key. And she’s good for you. Her straightforwardness kind of balances your complicated brain. She makes you happy.’
Kieran buried his head in his hands. ‘Don’t you think I realize that? I don’t make her happy so she’s ended it. I can’t even explain why I lied so she’s never going to forgive me.’
‘Never? She doesn’t seem the kind to hold a grudge for long.’
‘But she’d demand an explanation and you know how things are for me. I can’t break cover and I can’t throw in the YDA. It wasn’t just going out a few times to make each other happy—it was getting, you know, deep. I see Isaac’s logic.’
Joe sat on the bed. ‘That’s not good. I hadn’t realized.’
‘And we shouldn’t forget that something dangerously sick is happening here—people are at risk. I can’t jeopardize all that by exposing myself as an agent, even if I know Raven would prefer to have her fingernails pulled out than tell anyone.’
‘She’s not the kind to go running her mouth off.’
‘Yes, but we have some training to withstand pressure. Who knows what they might try to do to her next? They’ve already tortured her once. If I let her into the secret—against Isaac’s orders—and she spilt it under pressure, then we’re all stuffed and I’d’ve done something much worse than just put distance between us.’
Joe grimaced in agreement.
Kieran felt a little better now he saw that, even if she let him, there were so many good reasons why he shouldn’t get back with her. ‘I believe that whatever lies behind this scheme here involves big money and seriously bad people. Swatting us out of existence would be nothing to them. I don’t want to risk Raven. She’s already a target.’
‘But we really don’t want her to talk about the split in case she says something by mistake to the wrong person.’
‘Who will she talk to? She only had us.’
‘Yeah, true.’ Joe rubbed his chin. ‘I think we should go on being friendly to her, keep her with us where we know what she’s doing.’
Kieran gave a dry laugh. ‘Good luck with that. Last time I spoke to her she consigned me to hell.’
‘Don’t underestimate my charm or her forgiving nature.’
It sounded like Joe was just going to prolong Kieran’s agony, making him see her when he knew he shouldn’t for his own sake. Still, he didn’t really believe even Joe could persuade her to put up with that. ‘OK, fine, whatever.’
Joe took the hint he wanted to move the conversation on from heartache. ‘So what do you think they’re doing to the students to make them turn on her?’
Kieran dug out of the back of his cupboard six books he had read on brainwashing since he had become interested in the theory of mind alteration. ‘This. Over at the manor, they call it character development, counselling, training for success, but I think they’re just doing what people have done for centuries: they’re manipulating minds.’
‘You believe that is possible?’
‘It is not a belief; it’s a fact. You should read Hunter on brainwashing, Lifton’s Thought Reform and the Psychology of —’
Joe threw a cushion at him. ‘Stop geeking out on me. I’ve got my able sidekick—aka you—to read that stuff.’
‘Is that what I am?’
Joe smiled. ‘I dunno. Maybe I’m your Watson. In any case, what I mean is, I accept it’s real but how can they do it so quickly to these students?’
‘That we will only find out by experience.’ Kieran put the books back in the cupboard inside a locked holdall. It wouldn’t do for any of the school staff to get interested in his reading. He closed the door. ‘Joe, do you think Raven’s going to be OK?’
Joe paused in the process of selecting a T-shirt from his drawer. ‘Are you OK?’
‘No. No, I’m not, Joe.’
‘Then I guess that’s your answer.’
Raven hid in the cottage all Sunday, and used the time to study. She stayed in her pyjamas and pretended the world beyond the house did not exist. The teachers had piled on the homework and she told her granddad part of the truth when she said that she was simply catching up. As the next few weeks were devoted to exams he accepted her explanation. The real reason she had gone into hibernation mode was that she couldn’t bear to see Kieran. Every glimpse was agony, like the fox in the fable looking at the grapes. Everything she wanted was just out of reach. She longed to be with him, but what was the point when the Kieran she was with was mostly a stranger? It didn’t help that one of the tasks she had to do was the write-up of the dance piece they had performed together. Sitting there, remembering every step of the routine, how it had come together, the kiss, did nothing to blunt her emotions.
On Monday morning, Raven knew she had to pull herself together and face school again. She only shared Dance with Kieran and all that remained of that course was the final written paper on Tuesday, so at least she did not have to deal with the torment of sitting with him in class. He was in the other English set from her so that was safe. The only lesson that would prove a problem was French, as she normally sat next to Joe, and that was first thing. OK, so it had to be faced. Raven had never backed down from the difficult. She wasn’t going to make a big statement by not sitting with him; she’d just show she was still angry and hope he did something to allow the gap to close. An apology and an explanation would make a good start.
She slid into the seat next to Joe. ‘Hi.’
He looked up. ‘Hi, Raven. How was your day yesterday?’
‘Fine.’ She could do polite.
‘Ready for the exams?’ He was making small talk as if nothing had happened.
‘As I’ll ever be.’
He waited, probably expecting her to ask about him or Kieran, but she wasn’t moving from her resolution to keep the distance between them until they told her the truth. He read her cool expression correctly. ‘I see. You’re still angry with us. You should consider the possibility that it might not be our fault.’
She felt a twinge of guilt as he turned to talk to his other neighbour leaving her the space she had established. It was supposed to be a tactic to force Joe to cross over, make the first move to being real friends to her, but instead it just left her more isolated.
Own goal, that one. She sighed and propped her chin on her hand, her head feeling so heavy with depression that she wanted to curl in a ball and give up. You broke up with Kieran, you fool; what do you expect? A marching band welcome from Joe?
The teacher’s voice cut through her gloom. ‘Now, Lower Sixth, today we are going to do essay plans under exam conditions. No talking.’
What joy. Raven recalled that she’d been told once that these were the best years of her life. Whoever said that must have forgotten what it felt like to face an endless series of exams while undergoing heartbreak.
At the end of the test, Joe waited for her to pack her bag. She deliberately took a long time but he wasn’t to be shaken off.
‘Are you coming to lunch? Key and I will protect you from the others. He’ll want to see you.’
She hadn’t been in the dining room for days. ‘Thanks but no. I’d prefer to eat at home.’
‘I know you guys broke up
but he’ll wonder if you are OK if you avoid him. He’ll worry.’
She had rather thought it was Kieran avoiding her. There were more ways than one of not being there for someone. Though he was there physically, the real him had always been absent.
Except when he kissed her. She wouldn’t let that not be real.
‘I’m not feeling very hungry, Joe.’
Joe picked up her bag, refusing to release it. ‘Come have a drink with us then while we eat. They’re serving fruit shakes this lunchtime. You like those, don’t you?’
‘Joe … ’ She tried to protest but he just grabbed her hand and tugged her to follow him.
‘Yeah, I know you’re pissed at us but let’s at least carry on going through the motions of being friends. Key’s doing the best he can. You won’t see us again after the end of term so let’s at least do the last few weeks as kind-of-friends.’
But kind-of-friends hurt. ‘Please, Joe. I can’t.’
He stopped and turned to face her, showing the hint of steel beneath his charm. ‘It’s me who’s begging here, Raven. Not for you, not for me, but for Key. We can’t explain everything to you but I bet you’ve made a few deductions of your own about Kieran’s family. He’s had a rough weekend and it’s made worse by knowing he hurt you.’
‘He did.’
‘He knows that—but it wasn’t on purpose. Gloria always messes him up. She’s like radioactive waste—the briefest contact making him sick. I’m just asking for a little kindness towards him. Can’t you do kind?’
Raven wanted to kick him. It wasn’t fair. She was the one that had been failed but Joe made it sound as if it was partly her fault, and that she had let Kieran down in some way. Her shoulders slumped.
‘I tell you, Raven: Key’s never felt like this about a girl before. You’ve been good for him. I’m really sorry that romance hit the buffers so early on with the trust issue, but at least can we make the let-down easier on the guy, or he’ll retreat permanently into his mind ice age and never risk showing interest in a girl again.’
Raven closed her eyes for a moment. ‘Joe, are you asking me to forget what happened so I can patch Kieran up and send him on to other girlfriends?’
‘Putting it bluntly, yes.’
She wanted to scream. Kieran was hers, not some other girl’s. Joe was asking far too much. ‘You’re crazy.’
‘But you’re strong. You care about him enough to know I’m right. Just don’t hurt him any more, please. He’s had enough kicks in the teeth already.’
She folded her arms. ‘And I haven’t?’ Even though she felt Joe was being unfair to her, asking her do to something beyond what she could bear just now, she appreciated that he was fighting his friend’s corner. It would’ve been nice to have someone in hers. In the past she would’ve gone to Gina; now there was no one. She pictured the boxing ring—Joe slapping Kieran on the back, mopping his brow with iced water, pushing him back to face … what? Her shivering alone in her little corner.
Not much of an opponent.
OK, Raven, suck it up. She didn’t do self-pity; there was no point. ‘I’ll come to lunch with you.’
‘Thanks, Raven. I owe you.’
Kieran was already at the table, a sandwich and an apple sitting untouched on his tray. Joe had persuaded Raven to choose a baguette, fruit shake, and juice and then carried her tray to put it beside Kieran’s.
‘I’ll just get my lunch,’ he muttered, hurrying back to the canteen.
Kieran looked at her once then back at his meal. If he was surprised to see her, he wasn’t showing it. Sub-zero in Kieranland.
‘Hi.’ She toyed with her apple juice, struggling to release the straw from the fiddly wrapper.
Long fingers took the carton from her and efficiently snapped the plastic and pierced the seal. He held it out by the edges. As she reached to take it, he said:
‘Don’t press the middle. It’ll spill from the straw.’
Always so careful. She wished he had been as cautious with her feelings. Raven took the juice by the top edge, her fingers touching his briefly. The tingle was still there. ‘Thanks.’ To be fair, he could do concern. She remembered how gentle he had been with her on the morning after Gina’s return. Joe was right: it shouldn’t be so hard to be kind in return now. ‘How are you, Kieran?’
‘I’m OK. You?’
She shrugged. ‘Fine.’ His hands were only a few inches from hers but she could not bridge the gap. What was the point? He wasn’t going to tell her the truth and she wasn’t going to be his pushover girlfriend.
‘Just so you know: I don’t blame you for hating me. I’d feel the same in your shoes. And I didn’t lie about Hannah. That was true. I told you, I think, because I wanted to give you something real about me.’
Oh Kieran. ‘I can be what Joe calls a kind-of-friend, but trust is important to me. I told you that too. If I don’t know someone, how can I really be their friend?’ Let alone their girlfriend, but she knew better than to drop that bomb of a word into the conversation.
He spun the apple on its axis, holding the stalk. ‘I just want you to know that if I could do any of this differently, I would, but I’m under … ’ he frowned, searching for an appropriate word, ‘. . . obligations, important ones that I can’t break without doing more damage.’
Raven couldn’t think what those could possibly be but Joe’s response at the pool told her it was futile to ask. The boys were involved in something to do with this Isaac guy, their godfather, provider of suits and school fees. She intended to see if the internet held any answers, but her search for YDA had led to nothing remotely like a college. That was the wall between them; Kieran kept on adding the bricks and mortar and didn’t help her attempts to climb. Still, she could make peace from her side.
‘It’s fine. I don’t understand, but it’s fine.’
He gestured to her tray. ‘Are you going to eat that?’
She looked down at her baguette. ‘I guess. What about you?’ She picked it up.
‘Haven’t felt hungry.’
‘Neither have I.’
They shared a fleeting moment of understanding. ‘A bite each?’ suggested Kieran.
‘OK.’
Joe returned with a clatter of a heavily-laden tray. He smiled at Raven, mouthing ‘thanks’ behind Kieran’s back. ‘So, guys, what do you want to do tonight?’
Raven swallowed her mouthful. ‘I’ve got revision for my Dance written exam tomorrow.’
‘That means Key has too. Come study with us. No more holing up in the cottage, at least not as long as we’re around to keep an eye on you.’
‘Or you could come over for supper with Granddad and me. I vowed I’d spend as little time as possible here.’
‘Do you have the fixings for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?’
‘Sure do.’
‘Count me in.’
Kieran muttered something about revolting American habits.
‘I expect Granddad has marmite.’
‘Thank God you live with someone civilized.’
‘Then it’s settled. Supper and study at your house.’ Joe beamed round at them both. Raven realized he was genuinely happy to have his little school family semi-repaired. He had begged on behalf of Kieran but he couldn’t be content either, knowing all was not well. Though it was costing her, she had to admit it was better to settle for half a friendship than nothing at all.
When Raven left them to go to English, Kieran collared Joe.
‘How the heck did you persuade her to sit with us? I thought she’d cast us off.’
‘I told you how I’d do it: a little charm and an appeal to her forgiving character. It should’ve been harder after what we’ve put that girl through but she changed her mind when I went down on my knees and begged.’ Joe sorted out his rubbish for the recycling and dumped his tray. ‘I’m not suggesting you get back together but we need to keep the mission running. She’s a target; we can’t protect her if she’s not near us. She’s also a sou
rce of information.’
‘She’s not just those things.’
‘Understood. But Raven likes us and I still want to be her friend even if we can’t do it free and clear. She’s too nice to be hard on us, even if we deserve it.’
Kieran wasn’t used to being liked. He deposited his apple core in the compost bin. ‘I see.’
‘Just be gentle with her feelings, OK? I’ve negotiated a truce; don’t go risking that, and definitely no serious stuff.’
‘OK.’ Joe had no idea how hard that would be. Kieran wasn’t sure he could do it.
‘See you later.’
Joe sauntered off to his class, hooking up with Hedda and her crew as they passed. They seemed to give him a chilly reception but he soon charmed his way back into their favour. Kieran’s next lesson was English and, just to crown an already difficult day, he found Adewale and Gina leaning on the wall outside the classroom, heads together. Giving them a cool nod, he took out his folder to read the notes he had made on the set poetry texts.
A hand splayed across the page, pushing the folder down so it tumbled to the floor. The ring binder sprang open, scattering his notes across the corridor.
‘We saw you sitting with Raven.’ Adewale said it like an accusation. Gina stood behind him, backing him up.
Kieran surfed on a wave of anger. Having no desire to scrabble at their feet, he left the papers where they were. They’d picked the wrong person to bully, particularly one who was already spoiling for a fight. ‘That’s right.’
‘But you should know by now that no one goes near her.’
Kieran pushed his hand away. ‘What’s your opinion to me? I do what I like.’
‘Look, Kieran, I’ve nothing against you personally. But you should wake up to the fact that there are some people you just don’t hang with. Thieves aren’t welcome here.’
‘Raven is not a thief.’
Adewale swiped his hand angrily through the air, dismissing his assertion. ‘Bullshit. She took my watch.’
‘No, Gina said she did. You have no case.’
Gina tugged Adewale’s sleeve. ‘He’s already told me: he thinks I’m guilty.’