Chapter Five
Silky’s End
My anticipation would not allow me to sleep the night before. I got up to finish packing and quietly left the apartment. I had already calculated every move so there was no need to panic. My life for the past seven years was over.
I drove unconsciously down the naked streets concerned only with Nora’s safety. As I approached the highway I thought how awkward this might be for my mom. Several years had passed since I had seen or even spoken to her. I knew she did not want to see me until I was settled down with a family or at least a decent job, but this visit would be different. Life’s disappointments had matured me and I finally had something special to share. My sister talked frequently on the phone with her and told me that she still asks about me. I did not waste time by calling her. I thought a surprise would be best.
I returned to my childhood state of South Carolina in less than five hours. The town responsible for the memories that molded me greeted me with tranquility. The unsettling memories that I thought would surface hadn’t. I innately remembered those loving moments my mom and I once shared. She would walk down the street holding my hand, smiling at others as they smiled at me. She was so proud of me then. I knew that she would do anything to protect my innocence. Now that the dynamics of our relationship has changed I no longer enjoyed the privileges of a protected child.
I drove pass my former grammar school. It was barely recognizable. I quickly noticed that it had been remodeled and now appeared colder and more isolated than ever before, likely influencing the students to be the same way.
I thought of how I used to imagine the school as my castle and we were all one big family. It was my sanctuary. I was probably the only child who enjoyed coming to school and being around so many adults constantly telling me what to do.
While I had plenty of playmates my only true friend was Marcel, a very dark child with an extremely bony frame. She was a shy girl with hidden intellect that was never exposed. We chose rather to focus on her tattered clothing and Haitian accent. It was challenging not to tease her especially when the teachers condoned such behavior.
I snickered along with them at times and then apologized when we were alone. She remained my friend through grammar school until the day she was reported missing. She was last seen being picked up by an older well-dressed gentleman in front of the school never to be seen again. I wondered what ever happened to her.
I turned the corner onto the block I once lived. I had hoped to see children outside playing the familiar games I enjoyed as a child, but it must have been too early. Chirping birds, a loose dog, and a sleeping Nora were my only company. I forgot how delicately soothing the country could be. Not even the main road had yet awakened.
I parked a couple of houses down from my mother’s house to expand time. Anxiety approached me as I walked towards it. I approached it slowly, noticing everything around me. All that I had forgotten or ignored about my surroundings as a child stood undeniably. The clear connection of it all had been so trivial then.
The house looked exactly how I remembered, except even more mysterious. It remained held together by the powers that continued to own and control it. Obviously it had not been painted in years, yet it was still enchanting, surrounded by the accessories of life. Even the unkempt grass served its purpose. The other houses always seemed to be far less intriguing. The neighborhood kids used to express the same sentiments, describing the house as weird. Perhaps it was that no other house had such a large overbearing tree in front of it. It was sort of strange the way it stood so dominant as though the house itself was built deliberately around it. You could see the green leaves clinging onto the extended branches halfway blocking the front view of the house. Everything else was committed to it as well. As much as I watched that tree and admired its beauty, I never thought of it as an ordinary oak tree.
As I drew closer to the entrance I noticed the top two windows of the house peering at me like an abandoned child, filled with a balance of resentment and despair.
My apprehension was overwhelming but I was determined to keep everything in perspective. I convinced myself that this feeling was only momentary. Once she opens the door, she could not help but to greet me with a smile on her face and pride in her eyes.
I rang the doorbell with enthusiasm hoping that the feeling would be contagious. She must not have been far from the door because the interior door was propped open, enabling me to see through the house. I checked to see if the screen door was unlocked, but it wasn’t. After the third ring, I decided to call for her. She gracefully floated to the doorway. Something had denied her of the aging process. With the addition of a few gray strands, she looked basically the same. As she came closer to the door, I began smiling and giggling as if I were a child.
“It’s me ma…Silky.”
She clearly was surprised to see me standing in front of her door, but she quickly regained her composure and found her old face again.
“What’s the matter,” she said with the suspicion of a detective and without the appropriate warmth that I sought.
“Nothing ma, I wanted to introduce you to-oh, wait a minute!”
I couldn’t believe that I left her behind. Preoccupied with the inevitable caused me to quickly forget my purpose. I ran frantically back to the car and saw her still asleep. I didn’t bother waking her. I simply struggled with her in my arms back to the house. When I came to the walkway of the house I noticed my mother standing imperviously in the doorway.
“I wasn’t sure if you would be home so I left her in the car while I checked.”
She said nothing. She simply stepped aside and motioned me into the house as she took a peculiar look at my child.
As I entered the house I immediately noticed that everything was new: the furniture, the ceiling fan, and a fresh coat of paint on the walls made the house appear more spacious. All of the unnecessary was gone. The carpet had been taken up and the wooden floor had been nicely buffered, giving the old house a more modern look. It was difficult for me to adjust to this new environment. Despite my discomfort, I sat down on the couch and laid Nora across my lap. My mom followed and sat on the love seat parallel to me.
“This is my baby Nora, momma”
“Oh yeah… how old is she,” she replied without an attempt at sincerity.
“Thirteen months” I replied with enough enthusiasm for the both of us.
“So where’s the father”
“Well…he’s back home”
“You still with him”
“yeah, sort of”
“Sort of? I told you before you left outta here that your pretty looks ain’t gone get you but so far in this white man’s world. You make bad decisions…you always did…how come he ain’t marry you?”
“I don’t know ma,” I said with disappointment. She shook her head and made her way into the kitchen. I watched her as she passed by. I still couldn’t stand to look her directly in the eyes. They were not as intimidating as they once were but she still bestowed a wicked gaze.
“You eat yet,” she said yelling from the kitchen
“No momma”
“I cooked some stewed chicken last night, you think you might want-oh never mind, last time I heard you didn’t eat meat. You still a vegetable.”
“Its vegetarian and no, I’m not a vegetarian anymore but it’s too early for me to eat that”
“What your baby gone eat”
“I have something for her when she wakes up”
“You want some coffee”
“That’s okay, I’m fine,” I politely replied
I knew even this sort of hospitality was strenuous on my mom, but it didn’t prevent me from already losing some of my enthusiasm in this visit. My hopes for a pleasant reunion were diminishing but I needed to make this trip justifiable somehow, even if it were for retribution.
“Did you here anything from Jasmine lately?”
“Yeah, we spoke last night …she ain’t tel
l me nothing about you coming to see me…you didn’t tell her your plans”
“No, I kinda wanted to surprise you”
“What for, I’m too ole for this surprising business. If you would’ve let me know I could have made some sleeping arrangements for yall-how long you gone let her sleep”
“Ma don’t you wanna sit down for a while…I know you tired of yelling through the house…Remember how you used to get on us about that.”
“I remember getting on you about it cause you never liked to listen,” she replied as she made her way back into the living room.
“Yeah, that’s what you say, I replied somewhat mockingly knowing she would notice my tone.
“That’s what I know, if you took time to even listen to yourself you would know it too.”
I laughed to myself at her remark that warranted no reply.
“Ma I didn’t come here to argue, I just wanted you to see your granddaughter.”
“Yeah…well I see her, she must look like the father cause she look nothing like you.”
“Well I guess she does look more like him.”
“What’s his name anyway”
“Chris”
“That ain’t the one you ran away with from high school is it”
“No ma, you know his name wasn’t Chris”
“I don’t know nothing! What you think I got time to remember everything about your ex men.”
“I know that Jasmine told you and you don’t forget nothing, especially when it comes to something about me.”
“Well I forgot this cause it ain’t important enough for me to remember”
“Why you even asking then”
“Look I’m trying to be polite to you but if you wanna get that attitude again I mind as well not waste my energy.”
“Politeness should come naturally ma, I’m your daughter!”
“Yeah, well I wanna see how polite you gonna be when that daughter of yours stop respecting you and doing whatever she wants without listening to a word you tell her…That’s probably why that boy left you and went to California when he did. You probably ain’t wanna listen to him either. ”
“That ain’t have nothing to do with it ma and you know it…don’t you ever change?”
“Change for what…for who?”
“For yourself ma… to be happy”
“What make you think I’m not already happy…what, cause I’m not smiling in every man face to get attention. No that’s you, I don’t need to be like that and that’s what I been trying to tell you all those years. You depend on everybody else to make you happy, when all you got is you. You can’t expect me or nobody else to make you happy.”
“I expected you to love me, why was that so hard for you to do.” I felt the tears all gathered up just waiting for the go, which I refused to give.
“Maybe you were too young to realize it but you were getting spoiled, if not by me then your father. We had another child that needed our attention as well in case you forgot.”
She was not making sense to me but I continued the conversation hoping to get a clear explanation for the sudden dislike she showed for me during my adolescent years.
“I was still a child ma, and you just stopped everything, just like that…you start giving Jasmine all the attention!”
“You were becoming too needy Silky, that wasn’t gonna do you no good…your sister wasn’t. She could handle love without getting attached. What would you have done if something happened to us? All you got is you. You should understand that by now. ”
“But you stopped loving me altogether. You didn’t have to cut me off like that! The only way I got the least bit of attention from you is when I made a mistake.” My throat was now filled with tears but I did not allow them to surface. My pride protected my heart from spilling over. I listened intently to my mom’s rationalizations.
“I did not stop loving you. I just didn’t love you the way you wanted me to but I did the best thing for you at the time.”
“How-How is that, you just don’t do that to a child.”
“Look, look at your sister. She turned out okay. She knows I did the right thing even if you don’t.”
“Right thing for who…look at you-you don’t even have anybody here with you anymore. Even daddy eventually disappeared on you.”
I saw her face finally show signs of defense. She was now exposed. She leaned over her seat and began pointing her finger; something that she always does when she gets angry. It is her way of regaining control. This time it revealed her. Her finger appeared limp and fragile but she spoke in her usual tone as if she didn’t notice the change.
“I never needed your father and truth be told I been doing fine without you all these years. Unlike you Ms. Silky, I’m okay by myself.”
Just then the phone rang. Although there was a phone on the table beside her, she got up and walked into the kitchen to answer it. As she passed by I saw her take another look at my child. “I hope you didn’t bring that baby here to impress me.” That would be her final word to me. I now had the proof I needed and this was the harsh reality of it all. She detested everything about me and there was nothing that could be done about it. An interesting thing happened when I realized after years of confusion that my mother was wrong. Freedom magically appeared. I was finally liberated from all the ideas I believed to be true. Then the question came to mind, why would my destruction be so important to my mom. Why was she dead set on destroying me?
Evidently whoever was on the other end knew how to win her over. The smile and enthusiasm that should have been mine, was saved for that person. It must have been convenient timing too since it took her away from having to deal with me. It also gave me time to regroup. I thought of how disgusting she was. Nothing affected her. Even if I confided in her, she wouldn’t have cared one way or the other about what might happen to me.
I looked at Nora still engaging in innocence and suddenly I knew that I had done the right thing. She was mine now and would never be returned. I no longer felt guilty about it. I watched how her mother treated her since her birth. She gave love loosely to her daughter and I knew the novelty of having such a beautiful child would eventually fade as my mother’s did for me. Those deep dimples flooded by her flawless brown skin and tempting brown eyes would have never been enough to keep her mother interested. The love she once had for her child would one day be replaced with contempt. Nora’s total existence would have then been spent waiting for that love to resurface and make her whole again. Even as an adult she would have been stuck in that childlike state. I couldn’t knowingly stand by and allow that to happen. I would not deny Nora of her own reality by beginning a false one.
Her mom observed me closely, waiting and secretly hoping that this would occur. She even left her car keys out the night before to secure fate. Goodbye and thanks for sitting for me was all she said. She didn’t even give Nora a kiss goodnight. She, too, knew that she couldn’t continue the obligations of love forever. So I relieved her of that pressure. It was natural for me to give this child something my mom deliberately stripped from me. God’s reason for my existence became clear.
“Yeah she’s still here,” I heard my mom say and I knew it was time for me to go. I wasn’t sure to whom she was talking, but I couldn’t risk Nora’s happiness. I left without saying goodbye and had no desire to see her again. Before I drove off I took one final look at the house. From this view the tree that stood in front of it for so long didn’t look as strong as it once did. It was the house. It had always been the house. It continued to be alluring as the rays from the sun reflected light upon it.
I knew that my end was near but I was not ready to lose. I went to visit my sister shortly after seeing my mom. I left the child with her. With my future unclear I wandered aimlessly for days. Days turned into months. I managed to survive on the streets for several years before the inevitable accident that brought me here. While picking up a quarter in the middle of a busy street I w
as hit by a car and died instantly. It happened so fast that I didn’t feel anything. Everything ended as if nothing ever existed in the first place.
What bothers me most is that I didn’t have time to make amends with the people I hurt. I went through life believing that life was pointless for someone like me. So, I created my own purpose. But living this way was just wretched. I often questioned why I had to go through life in so much misery. I discovered that the world is just a miserable place. It consumes joy. Pleasure is rare and is typically attained through ignorance. Anyone who has experienced more joy than pain in his life overlooked reality on some level. This is understandable. No one wants to go through life in so much misery that it destroys her. Misery is a powerful machine and the only way to thwart it is to numb it. I did not numb myself. I felt all of it and it drove me insane.
I didn’t have a voice of reason. I should not have listened to my disturbing inner voice that told me I was doing the right thing. I should have allowed an outer source to guide me. Everyone have thoughts that they deem bizarre. They choose not to share these thoughts because they believe it to be abnormal thinking. If I had an outlet to express these feeling perhaps I would not have fell so deep into my own thoughts. Unfortunately, I feared being labeled insane. Now I know there are others with identical thoughts, but they somehow learned to cope in this world.
Our society tells us how we are suppose to act and think. When we step outside of the program we are looked upon as insane and began to feel odd when we share our unique thoughts. If we all stopped pretending to be normal and shared our real thoughts we will see that there is no normal. Everyone has less than innocent thoughts from time to time. Most have the ability to not act on them.
Even I could have been a far worse person. I have had many evil manipulative thoughts that I could have acted upon, but I chose not to be all my thoughts. It takes obedience to your higher self to implement the act of becoming a better person. We all have thoughts that do not coincide with society’s rules. So we must create an alternate reality as an outlet; much in the same manner as artists. They allow their thoughts to be expelled in fantasy through mystery novels, poems, paintings, and movies. We take part of their delusional world by choice. We choose it because there is something in it that attracts us. We are attracted to stories of horror, infidelity, fantasy, sci-fi movies because they intrigue the mind. They desensitize us from everything-it numbs us.
Many people turn into their thoughts. They allow their skewed thoughts to compromise their morals. It becomes part of their character. They may never become a murderer but they are fascinated by the idea and live through the eyes of a criminal when they watch violent movies. What we see in the fantasy world of entertainment are the thoughts of the dark side of man. We are constantly flirting with insanity by listening to the seductive tone of society. However, knowing is power and I believe the voices I chose not to listen to would have been my saving grace in a world that was becoming less enchanting as I lived.
Remember that there are spirits here to protect your soul from danger. It has been protecting you from perilous spirits since infancy. When we lose our childhood “our purity” the spirit begins to suffer.
“What do you think causes suffering?”
Separation- subtle or obvert distinctions between the rich and poor, the sane and insane, male and female, blacks and whites, Christian and Jew, pretty and ugly, God and man (God is with man at all times)- all of them cause one group to feel inferior and fear the other. The sad thing about it is that none of it matters.
We allow these differences to affect us to the point that we cannot achieve anything unless we have the approval of others. Our job is to transcend and evolve as a unit. The way we choose to do this is our individual purpose. Our individual purpose depends on what our soul finds more appealing. The spirit knows exactly what the soul needs in order to move forward but sometimes the heart, filled with emotions, and the mind, filled with thoughts, distracts it. When the soul does not allow the heart or the mind to disrupt its purpose it uses them to bring forth the ultimate goal. A broken heart contaminated my thoughts. I could not abide by the covenant that I agreed to. My acts of regression caused me to lose my soul and I did not live out my obligation that I had to the universe. I was so lost that I never even discovered my purpose.
This is what I can say without a doubt. Believe in guardian angels, they will protect you from harm, including harm you may inflict on yourself, if you are receptive to them. If you can grasp the concept that guardian angels are your objective voice (a voice of reason that see clearly the road ahead) then perhaps guardian angels will not sound so implausible. YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL IS YOUR SOUL SPEAKING TO YOU. The function of the soul is to act as your guardian angel to your mind and body. Each of us has our own individual spirit to guide and direct us properly through life, but we must see the signs with our “third eye,” because these signs are not always physical. For the soul lives in both worlds, although it in itself is not physical it will communicate with us through various methods. If we constantly ignore the signs the soul becomes useless and dormant (not to mention subject to abandon the physical). The mind then begins to react out of confusion and fear. For the soul feeds the mind, but the mind must be willing to open up and accept what the soul offers. In order to find your guardian angel again, you must remember that it exists. Your soul is your guardian angel.
Thee Travel through worlds of illusion that occasionally collides and entangles with reality. Unwelcomed is this timeless Energy, which speaks of inspiration, and will. Its intensity unwillingly succumbs once it recognizes the power of a persistent fate, where love loses the battle and finally sees the true desire of an unwanted existence. For it is here I rest in disturbed thoughts that becomes my invited destiny. Even evil is tormented by hopelessness.
My soul spoke the gospels of unspoken truths; secrets unknown to man became abundantly clear and familiar. Surrendered thoughts of impurity are embraced within the center of darkness. The Contrasting shades of energy knows the dominance of the others existence. Both equal in their supremacy, for light can blind and blackness soothes.
MY soul has been damaged by the ignorance of love
and enlightened by the dark side of man
It has conformed to the echoes of evil
and triumphs over all glimmer of hope
My soul is embellished in meaningless journeys
and abandoned by dreams of discovery
It is tormented by insightful thoughts
And rejects clear symbols of joy
My soul is consumed by oceans of despair
and covered by rivers of indifference
It is absorbed in seas of Confusion
And lakes that encourage delusion
My soul dwell in mountains of deception
And caves that Represent regression
It seek refuge in valleys of aberration
And forests that hides elevation
My soul is motivated by selfish intent
And it speaks the gospel of lies
It is content with the seen reality
And is captivated only by the evident