What was I trying to prove here? I wasn’t Suzy Homemaker, and divinity was a lot of work: boiling, beating, setting.
“How about dips? You like dips?”
My grandmother had sent me a dip recipe that was super easy to make. Cream cheese, Rotel, onions, and dried beef. Mix it up and voilà!
“Anything that a chip goes into is good by me.”
And apparently he’d never met a chip he didn’t like. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought to bring him to a grocery store before. He was apparently a junk food junkie. We had three bags of chips, a couple of packages of cookies, and some peanut butter crackers in our cart.
“Have you considered that we have to walk back to the dorm carrying all this stuff?” I asked.
He swept his arms around and bent slightly, doing one of those poses that bodybuilders use to show off their muscles. Not that any muscles were showing since he was wearing his jacket. Still, the silliness of it in the grocery store made me laugh.
He loaded various sodas and juices into the cart. I was beginning to wonder if I could have been a worse hostess, not considering that he might get the munchies.
Get over it, Alyssa. You were totally unprepared for a guest.
As we neared the checkout line, Jude plucked a bouquet of half a dozen red and white carnations out of a barrel.
“I need these for my girl.”
My heart did a little flip. Had I become his girl? I had this insane vision of him going down on one knee in the middle of the grocery store to present them to me.
“Your girl?” I stammered.
“Yeah, Molly.”
My heart squeezed. How had I missed him meeting Molly? Then I thought of last night at The Chalet….
“You mean Hailey?”
His brow furrowed. “Gawd, no. Why would you think that? We’ll stop by and see Molly on the way back.”
“Where does she live?”
“Not far.”
He helped me put our groceries on the conveyor belt, then handed me some cash. “This should take care of my share. If you’ll handle the actual paying, I need to take care of something.”
“Yeah, sure.” Suddenly he was Mr. Mysterious. And okay, maybe I was a little disappointed that the flowers weren’t for me.
I watched his long strides take him toward Customer Service. Maybe there was a special Australian product he wanted them to order. He certainly wasn’t shy about asking for what he wanted.
As I waited for our items to be rung up and bagged, it seemed like our quick trip to the store for a few items had morphed into stocking up in case of an apocalyptic event where we were the only remaining survivors. Not that there wasn’t some appeal to the idea of being totally alone with Jude.
So again, who was this Molly chick?
I paid for the groceries and began pushing the cart toward Customer Service. No matter how buff and strong Jude was, I didn’t really see how we were going to carry all these bags home.
Wearing a big grin, Jude made his way back over to me. “I’ll push.”
“Um, actually, we need to carry.”
“No, we don’t. I got permission from the manager for us to borrow the cart. Great one, the manager.”
“I bet you used your Aussie charm on him.”
He winked. “On her.”
I found myself smiling. Everyone fell in love with Jude. Was what I was feeling for him any different?
Was it the novelty of Jude that made me wonder what it might be like to be more than a tour guide? Or was I falling for him? And had he fallen for Molly?
“So where does this Molly live?” I asked again.
“The park.”
“What? She’s a homeless person?” Not that I’d ever seen any homeless people at the park.
Jude laughed. “No, she’s the snowgirl we made.”
He’d had more of a hand in making her than I had, but if he wanted to give me credit, who was I to complain?
I was really hoping she’d still be there. I knew she hadn’t melted. Our weather hadn’t gone above freezing. But sometimes kids got carried away and destroyed things.
But when we arrived, not only was she still there, but apparently she’d gotten married! There was a snowman beside her and three little snowkids in front of them.
Jude was grinning broadly and I was laughing. Apparently Jude’s creation had caught someone’s attention and a community project had been born.
“She’s got a family now,” he said.
I was still laughing when he extended the flowers to me. My heart just sort of rolled over and started to melt.
“Oh. Thanks.”
“Well, you know. If I try to give them to her, her husband might not like it. I don’t know if I can outfight him.”
Maybe I wasn’t his first choice for the flowers, but I loved them anyway and clung to them. “Thanks.”
“Just a small way to say thanks for the bed, really. It’s a lot more comfortable than the couch.”
“Yeah. Sorry I didn’t suggest it sooner.”
“You didn’t really know me, now did you?”
Hard to believe, because in a way it felt as if I’d known him forever.
We started walking back to the dorm, with the cart wheels squeaking.
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Nah. Who’d have me?”
I laughed so hard that the air rushed in, hurting my lungs. I wheezed, coughed. “Uh, any girl with eyes?”
He grinned. “Thanks for the confidence.”
“No, seriously, have you never had a girlfriend?”
“I dated a girl for a while, but things didn’t work out.”
“Is that the reason you took this trip?”
“Nah. She was fun, but we were never serious. Our breakup was mutual. No harm, no foul. We had a good time, but it was never more than that.”
I thought about that on the way back to the dorm. I’d had some good times with Rick. But that elusive something had been missing. I wondered exactly what the more was that Jude was talking about. And if I’d even recognize it if I had it.
I hadn’t planned to spend the remainder of the afternoon cooking, but no one else was using the kitchen so we had it to ourselves. The dorm was eerily quiet. I wondered if anyone else was still here. Stephanie had headed home that morning. And I’d seen a couple of other people loading suitcases into cars.
Sitting at the island, Jude was wolfing down the brownies that he’d asked me to make as soon as we got back to the dorm. It was late afternoon and I was preparing the stroganoff while the potatoes were baking.
“I should have guessed that you’d be a dessert-first kind of guy,” I teased.
He grinned. “Hey, why wait?”
He cut off a small piece of brownie and held it out to me—the way a groom would extend a piece of wedding cake to his bride. I leaned over and he shoved it into my mouth. Double chocolate was indeed very chocolatey and doubly delicious when it was shared with a guy.
“Are you going home at all over winter break?” Jude asked.
I stirred the stroganoff and took a quick peek in the oven to see how the rolls were browning. “No, actually. My parents are off touring in their travel trailer.” I straightened and looked at him. “Have you ever traveled in a trailer?”
He shrugged. “No, but it seems like a lot of work.”
“It is, but my mom doesn’t like staying in hotels.”
“She should try couch surfing.”
I laughed. “She doesn’t like staying in hotels because she doesn’t know who’s been sleeping in the bed. So I don’t think she’s a good candidate for couch surfing.”
“How about you? You ever think about it?”
“I only just heard about it when Rick mentioned it a couple of weeks ago.” I turned off the heat on the stove and oven. “Until I met you, I thought it was just a really bad idea.”
“And now?”
I began setting the food on the table. “It’s been fun having someone I didn’t know sta
y with me, but”—I shook my head—“I don’t know if I’d want to stay with someone I didn’t know.”
I placed a plate in front of him and in front of myself, before sitting at the island.
“Something smells good in here.” Susan’s voice.
I nearly jumped out of my skin as she pranced into the kitchen. I had to quickly remind myself that having a guy in the dorm before lockdown was not against the rules. Still, I felt like someone attempting a prison break and suddenly having the search lights focused on her.
“Did you want some?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t notice Jude. Like that was going to happen.
“No thanks. It’s like hours past lunch time and too early for dinner.” She took a bottle of water out of the fridge, leaned against the counter, and zeroed her razor-sharp gaze on Jude. “I’ve seen you around here a couple of times.”
When? How? Where? Was she peering out from behind curtains? I hadn’t seen her when I was with Jude.
“I don’t think we’ve met,” she continued. “I’m Susan, the dorm monitor.”
She stuck out her hand like a politician. Jude gave it a quick shake and I was hoping she didn’t have any kind of psychic ability.
“Jude. Jude Hawkins,” he said.
“That’s not a Vermont accent you have there.”
“Australian. Just in the area visiting. Lys has been good enough to show me around.”
A crease appeared between her brows. “Where are you staying?”
“With a friend.”
I could see that she wanted to grill him further, but really what business was it of hers?
As though she came to the same conclusion, she said, “Well, enjoy your visit.” She ambled out of the kitchen.
Thank goodness, because I’d been holding my breath and was getting dizzy.
“She seems nice enough,” Jude said.
“I don’t trust her. She is all about the rules. I’m surprised she didn’t ask who your friend was.” We might have to be a little more careful.
Jude dug into the stroganoff. “Not half bad.”
I laughed. “What does that mean? Is that the same as not half good?”
He furrowed his brow like he was giving it serious thought. “To be honest, I never analyzed it.”
“I’ll take it as a compliment,” I said, scooping up some potato.
“Absolutely a compliment.”
My cell phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, a number with lots of digits. Had to be Australia. Ergo, it had to be Rick. I felt like my heart should have skipped a beat, that I should have felt a spurt of joy instead of…well, nothing actually, nothing more than Oh, a friend. Wonder what he has to say. I had this sudden recognition that our relationship had definitely flat-lined.
“You gonna answer it?” Jude asked.
“Oh yeah, sure.” I swallowed. “Hello?”
“Hi, Alyssa.”
There was as much excitement in his voice as there was in mine. Which was none. Either of us could have been saying, “Oh, look, chips in the pantry.”
“How’s Australia?” I asked.
“Way too awesome.”
Could something be too awesome?
“What have you been doing?” I asked. He’d called me and I was the one working to get the conversation going. But that was how our conversations usually went. I led, Rick followed.
“Surfing, sunning on the beach. You know.”
I didn’t really, which was the reason I asked.
“Look, I called because I’ve been thinking about some stuff.”
“What stuff?” I asked.
“You and me.”
We were stuff? Okay, honestly that probably said more about the state of our relationship than anything.
“What were you thinking?” I prodded when the silence stretched between us.
He sighed. Since we’d been together I’d learned to read his sighs. They were like the “dude” commercials. Different inflections that said everything. He had the sweet sigh just before he kissed me. The hard sigh when we were studying together and he couldn’t grasp the concept. The I’m-doing-this-for-you sigh when we went to the movies and saw a romantic comedy instead of blood, gore, and terror. And this one. The I-don’t-really-want-to-say-this-so-can-you-read-my-mind? sigh.
Only, I didn’t know what he wanted to say. I usually didn’t. It was one of the reasons—right or wrong—that we’d decided to take a break.
“Rick?”
“I really like Marla. I think I might love her.”
I hadn’t been expecting that. Or the sadness that swamped me with the realization that in the time we’d been together neither of us had ever used the L word.
Had I only fallen in like with him and never in love? How did a person know?
“Wow,” I said.
“Yeah. I know. But I’m feeling all weird about it.”
“Why?” I said. The words seemed to be coming out of a tunnel. “We broke up.”
“But we said we might—probably would—get back together.”
I actually managed a soft kind of laugh, one that didn’t sound as sad as I was feeling. “I’d say we’re not going to do that.”
He sighed. It was his sigh of relief. Like someone had just lifted a fifty-pound weight off his chest.
“Will you tell Marla?” he asked.
“What?”
“She didn’t want to be the reason we broke up. I tried to explain that we were taking a break, but…will you just tell her?”
Before I could say anything a girl was saying, “’Ello?”
“Marla?”
Jude’s eyes went wide.
“Yeah,” she said. “Are you Alyssa?”
She sounded nice, really nice. I didn’t know why I was expecting someone harsh. She was Jude’s sister, for goodness’ sake. He was nice. It stood to reason she’d be too.
“Yes. Uh, Rick and I…we broke up. Before he left for Australia. It’s totally over between us.”
“Are you sure? Because he talks about you an awful lot.”
Strong, silent Rick was talking an awful lot? That was hard to picture. Maybe he’d just needed the right girl to open up to. Maybe I hadn’t been the one.
“I’m sure.”
“I just don’t want to be the other girl, if you know what I mean.”
“I do. I absolutely do. Did you want to talk to Jude? He’s right here.”
“Oh yeah, sure. Just a quick minute. If you don’t mind.”
She was paying for the call. Why would I care? Still it was nice of her to ask. I handed the phone to Jude. I tried really hard not to listen. I started carrying our dishes to the counter. Jude had cleaned his plate while I’d been talking to Rick.
Now I just needed to clean the kitchen. I’d made such a mess—of the kitchen, of my relationship with Rick, and maybe even my relationship with Jude.
I was standing at the sink, running water over the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, when I felt Jude come up behind me. I hadn’t even heard him say good-bye to his sister.
“You all right?” he asked.
I nodded, concentrating on the water washing over the dishes.
“You wanna talk?”
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
I looked over my shoulder at him. “Deep down, I didn’t think we were going to get back together.”
“But now you know you won’t.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“You still want to go to the party?”
I forced a smile. “Absolutely.”
Chapter 10
“Rick and I are not getting back together. Ever. He fell in love with someone else.”
“You’re kidding.” Mel gasped.
We were in the kitchen of her house, putting little squares of cheese on crackers shaped like butterflies.
“Correction,” I said. “He fell in love with someone. Not someone else. I’m not sure he was ever in love with me.”
“Don’t be s
tupid. Of course he was.”
“No, Mel, he wasn’t. And that’s okay, because I wasn’t in love with him either.”
It was hard to admit that, but once I said it, I knew it was true. I released a sigh that sounded a lot like the weight-off-his-chest sigh that Rick had let loose that afternoon when we were talking.
Mel stared at me as though I’d totally lost my mind. “You guys were together the whole semester.”
“Because it was convenient. We met. We lived in the same dorm. We were right there together. Same major. Same courses. Same exams to cram for. We liked each other, but honestly…there was no fire.”
“What about Jude?”
I sat on a stool, put my elbow on the counter, my chin in my palm and snatched a square of cheese off a cracker. Mel immediately replaced it. I chewed thoughtfully. Something was definitely going on with us, but was I ready to admit that? I didn’t think I was. “Convenience.”
She shook her head. “No. No way. You’re telling me you feel for Jude what you felt for Rick? Which it appears was pretty much nothing? I don’t think so. You know what I think?” She snatched from my fingers the cheese I’d just snatched from the cracker, and put it back. “I think you’re holding back, that’s what I think.”
“Holding back what?”
“Your heart. Your feelings. It’s scary to put it out there. You said you thought the first guy you fell for would be the one. That’s what you’ve been searching for. Like you think you’ll meet him and a whole chorus of angels will sing and you’ll know he’s it! But it doesn’t always work like that. Actually, I don’t think it ever works like that. Usually you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you stop getting warts.” She held up a finger. “Trust me. The Aussie is not a frog. You’re not going to get warts.”
“I could get hurt.”
She lifted her arms and dropped them to her side. “Look, Boomer could come in here tomorrow and tell me it’s over. I’m not what he wants. Once I smashed his family jewels with a good hard kick, I’d get over it. And when I wasn’t mad at him anymore, I’d be glad for the time we did have together. The first time we kissed our braces got tangled up. He took me to the prom. He and I have been through a lot of firsts together, you know? He’ll always be special even if it turns out that he’s not with me forever.”