Chapter Sixteen
AFTER ANOTHER SLEEPLESS night, in which Violet had been pretending was the result of her underlying urge to return Ryder’s sweater and be done with him forever, she awoke and just allowed everything sink in.
Letting her guard down, opening her mind and heart to other possibilities was like touching a prickly rose stem. Violet wanted to pull away, but she pushed passed each thorn.
Finally, succumbing to facing her past with Joel, her time spent with Ryder and what a future with Ryder would be like, was a huge and complex step for Violet. She had stopped thinking about her future long ago and focused, instead, on her children and what was best for them. Now, envisioning a future with a man who challenged her, made her smile and lit her insides on fire with only a look, had Violet craving that wonderful potential future.
Maybe if that knitted piece of material hadn’t been acting as a constant reminder of Ryder’s closing argument, before he walked out of her office, all calm and collected unlike Violet’s trembling body and whirlwind mind, she might have been able to ignore the poignant feeling of her heart. But, that sweater was sitting on her bed, when she slipped under the sheets at night, and wrapped up around her when she awoke in the morning. It smelled like a warm summer breeze, with a masculine hint of Ryder. It was tantalizing.
Now, Ryder’s scent was all over her sheets and her pillows. She’d awakened two mornings in a row to the majestic smell that made her pulse race with excitement and at the same time sent an unfamiliar contentment through her. Only to open her eyes and find she was alone and it was Ryder’s sweater beside her and not the man himself.
If that wasn’t bad enough, and it did indeed feel like torture, she was waking up to Ryder’s voice in her head calling her a scared child while claiming to like her...a lot.
Did he even know what the definition of that word meant?
Not to mention, who did he think he was spouting off that she was a lost child hiding in the dark?
Oh, please. I’m not lost and I do not hide. They why are you skipping breakfast with the rest of the family and preparing a private breakfast with Parker and Sophia?
Violet whisked the eggs more vigorously, anticipating how this conversation would go.
She glanced down the hallway and wondered if her kids would ever climb out of bed. What time was it? More importantly, what would she say to her kids? How much would she tell them? All the while she was scared how they would take it.
Scared. There is that fear again.
Pouring the eggs into the fry pan, she inhaled the buttery aroma and pushed forward. She decided today was the last day she would hide in the darkness.
Waking up this morning, sweater tightly tucked at her side, she stopped thinking and arguing. She would instead listen to what she wanted. What she wanted.
It had been a long time since Violet listened to what she wanted and not what others expected of her. Whether it was the haunting voice of her father demanding perfection for the Caliendo name or that of the filter she’d created in her head to obey her dad’s expectations, she persistently stepped out of the light whenever things got complicated, whenever fear arose, and into the darkness.
This morning, lying in bed with the hushed ambience of the early morning, she only listened to what she wanted and Violet found her answer came easily: Violet wanted Ryder.
There was no uncertainty in her conclusion, not from her heart. She stepped out of the darkness and stood up to the reasons that kept her from going after what she wanted.
Ryder had been right, he did know Violet and unlike any other person.
How was that even possible after spending such a short time with him?
Ryder knew Violet was damaged, even before she did, mistaking what she thought was strength only to find fear.
Realizing the truth, suddenly Violet had accepted her filter wasn’t always empowering her, but instead holding her back. It was humiliating to admit, but thinking her marriage to Joel had made her stronger, thicker, and ready to fight the work, had in turn made her weak and scared, cowering from the rest of the world.
Instead of courageously moving forward and accepting a date with Ryder, the fear she’d allowed had caused her to pull away. What she’d mistaken for strength, was truthfully her fear trying every tactic to make him leave, to hate her, anything so she could...hide. But, Ryder had seen right through her and looked deep into the parts of her soul that she’d thought were solid rocks. Instead, the pieces of her life she’d thought were secure were a tumbling rockslide.
Why had it taken Ryder to make her see that?
It didn’t matter. She was finished hiding in the dark.
But she wasn’t ready to stand outside of the shadows without first talking to her kids. Ryder would not only affect her life, but her children’s too and they were still her top priority.
Violet heard the loud trudges that belonged to her son, then listened as he banged on Sophia’s door, before making his way into the kitchen.
Parker stopped in the hallway and stared at Violet, confused. “What are you doing?” he asked.
During the summer months, when Violet’s schedule was almost booked solid with appointments and weddings, they had breakfast at the buffet, where one of Violet’s family members would take Sophia and Parker for the day and meet back for lunch. Violet had pushed back her morning appointment, because as soon as they were finished breakfast, she was heading over to Ryder’s, depending on how Sophia and Parker reacted to her inquiries.
“I’m making breakfast.”
He rubbed his eyes, and then stretched his arms high above him and murmured, “Why?” just as Sophia stepped up beside him and sent the same look as her brother.
Violet dished the eggs onto a platter. “Come on guys, sit down.” Violet grabbed the plate of toast with the other hand and walked behind her pokey kids to the dining room table, where she’d already set the table and a tray of bacon.
“Do you have a day off?” Sophia asked, pouring a glass of juice for herself, then offering to pour Parker’s.
“No. I missed having breakfast with just the three of us.” Liar.
Each of them filled their plates with eggs, bacon and toast, then silently ate. She watched as each of her kids began to slowly wake up. Parker was first to start his regular continuous banter. Violet found Parker was in a better mood in the mornings, before whatever was bothering Parker set in for the day.
Sophia wasn’t far behind waking up and detailed her plans for the day at her friend’s house in town, which consequently brought up fishing. Violet relaxed as Parker and Sophia began recalling the fun they had on Ryder’s boat.
“So, you guys like Ryder?” Violet causally asked, sipping her coffee and watching their reactions. Neither flinched as they said, yes and continued with the exciting conversation of the fish finder.
“I was thinking of inviting Ryder over tonight. For supper. A thank you for taking us on the boat after your dad’s car broke down.”
“Dad’s car didn’t break down,” Sophia said. “We’re not babies Mom, seriously. He didn’t want to come.”
Violet was about to object, even though she suspected as much, and she hated that her children saw Joel’s selfishness, but Parker cut her off. “Yeah. Dad doesn’t like us.”
Violet’s heart broke. It crumbled into a thousand pieces and pooled around them. Violet forgot about her reason for sitting down with her kids and was thankful she had made time for the three of them, because there were broken little hearts at this table, and probably the reason for Parker’s moods lately.
“Parker, Sophia, your dad loves you.”
Parker grunted.
Sophia stabbed her plate with the fork.
Selfish Joel.
“I know that our divorce has been hard on you both, but I am so proud of the way you two have handled it.” Violet reached over and touched Sophia’s hand to stop the sharp sound of her fork repeatedly hitting the plate. “Your da
d is under a lot of stress with the wedding−”
“You have weddings all the time and aren’t stressed out,” Parker grumbled.
“Yes, but that’s different. It’s my profession. I plan other people’s weddings and try to make it easier for them.”
“And you’re planning Dad’s,” Sophia added in a snarky tone that indicated she didn’t like that arrangement.
Violet looked at her daughter’s solemn face, staring at the remaining bits of egg on her plate. “Is that a problem?” Why had Violet never considered that her planning Joel’s wedding would bother them?
Sophia glared her ten-year-old eyes full of attitude at Violet. “Mom, it’s embarrassing.”
Embarrassing? How had Violet missed that? “I’m sorry, Sweetheart. I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“Well, I do,” she scowled.
“Your dad and I still care about you, about each other. When he asked me I didn’t think it would be negative on you or Parker. If you feel this way I will ask Emma to take over−”
Sophia cut her off. “It’s too late.” Sophia tossed her fork and it went skidding across the table with a loud clang that made Parker and Violet jump. “Why are you defending him?” Sophia accused, standing abruptly and sending the chair falling backwards.
“Sophia!” Violet stood.
“What? He left us all for her. And now he’s marrying Missy and you’re helping him!”
Violet wasn’t going to have a heart left after this conversation. Sophia knew and by the questioning look Parker sent Violet, she assumed he’d heard the rumors of the affair also. Violet didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t confirm or deny whether there had been an affair, because she didn’t know.
Parker stepped in front of Sophia and told her to shut up. “It’s not Mom’s fault,” he snapped.
Violet shook her head at the direction this conversation was going. If anything, she would have suspected Parker, who had been grumbling around for weeks, to be furious at Violet. Instead, her son was defending her.
“And now you want to date Ryder,” Sophia accused.
“So what,” Parker said. “I like Ryder and if you haven’t noticed, he likes us.”
“He likes Mom,” Sophia corrected. “He’s only being nice to us because he likes Mom.”
“That’s not true. Ryder’s always nice to us.”
Sophia snarled at Parker. “Because he was Dad’s friend and now he’s Mom’s special friend.” Sophia made air quotes. “Why would Ryder like us if Dad doesn’t even like us? He could be just like Dad.” Just like Dad? What did that mean? Violet didn’t have a chance to ask.
“Ryder likes us,” Parker snarled back, sending up his own air quotes that Sophia slapped away. That sent Parker into defensive fighting mode and he threw his arms in the air at Sophia.
“Whoa!” Violet yanked Parker off Sophia and instructed her daughter to take a seat on the couch. “We do not hit in this family,” she told Parker and pointed at the empty spot on the couch beside his sister.
Parker grumbled unhappily to the couch after yanking free of Violet and sending her a killer stare. He was on my side.
Violet sat across from her kids, little bundles of anger and resentment. She had thought they’d moved past this after Joel had left. They’d sat down, the four of them, as a family and discussed Joel’s moving out, the divorce, everything. Where were all these newly developed feelings coming from and how did Violet miss them?
Violet took a deep breath. She didn’t even know where to begin.
“First of all, I would like to clarify that your father loves you. Both of you.” Violet took the time to look between her children’s glaring snickers. “People are not the same. We all show our emotions differently. We behave differently, but that doesn’t mean your dad doesn’t love you.”
“He barely comes over anymore.” Parker’s voice had settled and now tears underlined his voice.
“He’s been busy with the wedding. But, if you feel that way, I will call him and we will sit down and talk to him.”
Parker pouted. “I don’t want him to know.”
Violet moved from the couch and sat on the edge of the coffee table so she could reach out and touch Parker’s knee. “Sweetheart, your dad is just as confused as you are. He probably wonders why every time you visit him, you are snarky and mean. And if we don’t talk to him, he won’t know why and we won’t be able to move past this. Alright?”
Parker nodded.
Violet turned to Sophia, whose arms were folded tightly across the chest of her printed shirt, as she stared away from them, tight lipped like she was on the edge of crying too.
The moment of silence she allowed for herself to take in Sophia’s anger, spread guilt through Violet. Violet’s own fears to put her trust in people had washed off on her daughter. A week ago, Violet would have thought, Good, Sophia will be strong. Now, the fear she saw in her daughter’s eyes chased away Violet’s own reservations. Ryder was right. Now Violet had to be strong for her daughter.
“Sophia, we can’t hide from people because someone has hurt us.”
“Someone? Everyone lies Mom. Dad lied to all of us. Grandma and Uncle Carl lied to Marc and Izzy about who their real dad was. Kate lied to Marc about Rosemary. Everybody lies.”
When it was said so plain, so simple, it was no wonder Violet didn’t trust.
“I can’t defend why any of them kept those secrets and told those lies. I know some of them were done out of love, to keep our family together.”
“Not Dad.”
“Your dad didn’t want to hurt either of you. We grew apart and that’s not either of our fault or your own.” Violet took a deep breath. “We can’t hide from life or from people. Life is wonderful and there are a lot of amazing people out there. Some might hurt you, but others will love you and that love is worth putting yourself out there.”
“Like Ryder?”
“I know it’s scary Sophia. I’m scared too. I don’t know that Ryder’s not like your dad and that he won’t hurt me. But I trust in my heart that he’s good and kind and thoughtful. He didn’t invite me to go fishing, he invited you two. I just tagged along because I was scared Parker might rip him to shreds.”
Sophia grinned.
Parker smirked.
Violet’s heart lightened.
“If I thought for one second that Ryder would hurt us, I would never invite him in. I promise.”
Violet sank onto the beige leather sofa beside her kids and pulled Sophia into a firm embrace. Her children came first.
Parker crawled over top of Violet and settled himself awkwardly in the middle of them, to stretch his short arms around both the girls.
“Are you still inviting Ryder over?” Parker’s muffled voice asked.
“I don’t know if we are ready for Ryder to come over,” Violet admitted. They had trust issues that ran deeper than Violet knew.
“I’m ready,” Parker’s muffled voice said.
“You’re heavy and annoying,” Sophia said, pushing at Parker. Parker caught the humor in her voice and fell against his sister, rolling onto the floor. “Dork.” Sophia rolled her eyes.
Parker ignored her and ran down the hall toward his bedroom yelling he was getting his swimsuit on because Eliza promised to take them swimming after breakfast.
Sophia didn’t follow. She curled her legs against her and wrapped her arms around them, staring at Violet with eyes that had more to say. Violet didn’t pressure her. She leaned into the sofa and sat quietly with her daughter. When she was ready to talk, Violet was here to listen.
“I’m going to ask Emma to finish your dad’s wedding,” Violet said. “If you had told me that my planning his wedding was embarrassing, I would have handed it over to Emma right away.”
“Mom, it’s embarrassing that he’s getting married here at all. Everyone in the resort is talking about it.”
“People are always going to talk.”
Sophia dropped h
er head. When she slowly looked away from her fidgeting fingers she said, “They talk about Dad having an affair with Missy. Like when you two were still married. Is it true?”
Violet had no other answer but the truth. “I don’t know, Sophia. I’ve heard the rumors.”
“Don’t they bother you?”
“They did, of course. But, your dad and I weren’t in love with each other anymore. It doesn’t mean we don’t still care about each other. If you need to know the answer to that question, then I guess you should ask him. Either way, it won’t change the past and it won’t control my future. It won’t scare me away from letting people into my life.”
Thanks to Ryder.
If he hadn’t opened her eyes, she would still be cowering with the illusion it was her strength.
“You don’t think I should ask, do you?”
“You do what you need to do. Don’t hold back on the account of others...of me. Whatever the truth is, it won’t change me.”
Sophia sighed loudly, a trait she didn’t get from Violet and curled up beside her mother. “I like Ryder,” she said, as if it was being forced out of her. “And he smiles more when you’re around and you smile more when he’s around. So, if you like him, I guess I like him too.”
“You guess?”
“I like Tank and Sabin more.”
Violet laughed. Oh, her daughter was going to be just fine.