“I’m okay. Busy with my studies,” I replied and fixed my gaze on the hardwood floor. I couldn’t take the scrutiny, the attention. “This place is lovely, Rome. You must be real happy.”
“Yeah, it’s kinda fuckin’ perfect,” he replied, and silence once again filled the room.
“Here we go, guys!” Molly’s voice pulled our attention, and she walked out of the kitchen door carrying a huge chocolate cake.
My hands began to shake, my palms began to sweat, and my stomach growled as if it could taste the smooth flavor of chocolate on my tongue.
Do not give in, Lexington. Get out of the room. Do not let them sway you from your goal.
Panic ran through me like a sweeping torrent of water, and my eyes darted around as I tried to think of an excuse to leave.
When I lifted my eyes, all my friends were staring at me, Molly’s eyes glistening with tears.
A cough came from Cass and she said, “Lexi. This isn’t a house warming.”
Black spots blurred my vision as my anxiety became almost insufferable. “What… what do you mean?”
Cass took a deep breath. “We think you have an eating problem, Lex.”
I shook my head profusely. “No, I don’t! It’s just—”
“Then eat the cake,” Cass said and adopted her hard no-shit attitude.
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
I felt everybody freeze, and the tension on the room became stifling.
“Darlin’. Please, we’re only trying to help you. You’ve gotten so thin and we all love you so much that it’s scaring the hell out of us. You are always alone, avoiding spending time with us. Lex, I think you need to see a doctor,” Ally pushed and laid her hand on my back, trying to be supportive.
The action startled me. I launched off the sofa, and in the process, knocked the cake clean from Molly’s hand and onto the floor.
“Lexi,” Ally whispered and stood reaching out for me.
I flinched back and rounded the coffee table, facing my panicked group of friends.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed. “Don’t any of you touch me!”
My eyes swept along all my friends’ worried expressions, but it was Cass’s, my oldest friend’s, that scared me the most.
Cass stepped forward. “Lex, it’s okay, girl. What’s going on? Talk to me. Have you been starving yourself?”
The room seemed to tilt and I couldn’t breathe. My Lord, I couldn’t breathe! Gripping at my chest, I tried to back up and almost stumbled to the floor.
“Lex!” Molly shouted, and I pushed out my hands, keeping my approaching friends away. But Cass jumped forward and managed to grip my wrist regardless, and everything seemed to freeze.
I watched as Cass’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped down in shock. I tried to wrench my arm back, but Cass’s strong hold was like a vise.
“Cass, let her go. She needs to calm down!” Ally said from behind, but I could see the determination set on Cass’s face.
Lips tightened, Cass took hold of my sleeve and pulled the material back. I whimpered in response, but not as loud as Cass’s reactive gasp. Of all my friends’ reactive gasps.
“Let me GO!” I screamed, but Cass jumped forward and lifted up my sweater and the other layers of shirts, exposing my ribs beneath.
“Fuck! Lex, look at your damn ribs! Look at your fuckin’ ribs!”
Ripping the edge of my sweater from her hands, I stumbled back, hitting the wall behind me. A sea of shocked faces stared my way, and Ally stepped forward, the guys in the room not having a clue what to say.
“You have been starving yourself,” she whispered brokenly.
Tears flowed from my eyes and my legs gave way as I slid down the wall to the floor. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and wailed, “I can’t eat! I can’t eat! I’m so fat, and he won’t let me eat!”
“Who won’t let you eat?” Cass asked in confusion, bending down before me. “Who’s stopping you from eating?”
“The voice!” I shrilled. “The voice in my mind. He stops me from eating. He’s taking me to perfection.” My eyes glazed and I became lost in a fog. “He took Daisy away from me… and he took Austin away too! I disgusted him! He saw too much fat!”
“Daisy?” Cass said. “Who’s Daisy, darlin’?”
“And Austin? Austin Carillo? My best friend?”
Looking up through watery eyes, I saw Rome had stepped forward, a stern expression on his face.
“I love him… I love him so much, Rome. But he left me. Made love to me, then left me! I disgust him. He was making it better, me better, but he left me because I’m too fat! I’m an eyesore… a fucking EYESORE! Who can blame him for leaving…?”
“Lex, you’re not making sense,” Molly said and crouched before me. “You and Austin are together? For how long?”
Molly’s fingers ran through my hair, and as she lowered her hand, she fell back in shock, holding a clump of my hair in her palm.
“Lexi, what…?” Molly cried and looked at me in horror.
“I’m nearly perfect, Molls. I’m almost there…” I tried to smile.
Molly crawled forward and tried to touch me, but I scurried back into the corner, and she dropped her hand to her chest. “You’re scaring me, Lexi. You’re scaring me so badly.”
“I wish I hadn’t disgusted him… I wish I’d met him before. Why couldn’t I have met him before? He could’ve saved me. He could have stopped the voice in my mind.”
“Austin, honey? You talking about Austin Carillo, our friend?” Jimmy-Don asked, and I stared at him blankly.
“I can’t do it no more, JD… I’m tired… so tired of living like this…” I trailed off, and the room began to spin on its side.
“Lex! LEXI!” I heard Cass shout out in panic, but a black tunnel was forming in my eyes and my muscles became too heavy.
“I’m sorry… I’m so so sorry… I couldn’t keep my promise to Daisy…” I whispered.
Then it all went black.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Austin
“You get that homework done, kid?”
Levi looked up from his American History books and nodded his head. He was chewing on his pen when he asked, “Any word on Axe?”
Sighing, I ruffled my hand through his sandy hair and said, “No word yet, kid. No word yet.”
It was the same every day. Had been the same answer every day for over a damn month. Axel had split the night he escaped the cops, and we had no idea where he was.
Fuckin’ A.
Bright headlights lit up the trailer, and looking out the window, I saw a huge Dodge truck turning in. Some rich college kid, no doubt, coming for a fix. Since the night Porter OD’d, we’d had to do business from our turf. Porter was still in a coma, and until he woke, the cops had Axel as the prime suspect for dealing. Axel, who was on the run.
“Lev, I got business to attend to. Check on Mamma in fifteen, yeah? She needs her next dose of meds.”
Levi nodded and watched me leave the trailer with a sad expression on his face. He hated me dealing, hated that I’d replaced Axel as Gio’s right-hand man.
As soon as I jumped out of the trailer, the truck door opened and Rome Prince stepped out, surprising me to all hell. The trailer door behind me flew open, and Levi ran past.
“Rome!” he shouted, and Rome smiled at my brother’s enthusiastic greeting. Holding out his hand and bringing him into his chest, Rome said, “Lev, my man. How are you doing?”
Levi nodded his head and shrugged. “Okay, I suppose. Axe is missing, but Austin’s around more now. My mamma… she ain’t too good.”
“I know, kid. But try to keep strong, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Levi’s face brightened. “You were awesome in the championship game, Rome. That winning TD was insane!”
Rome laughed and play-punched Levi in the arm. “Thanks, kid. It wasn’t too shabby.
“Lev,” I said as I watched the two of them. “Get inside. I need to talk to Rome
alone.”
“But—”
“In. Now,” I said sternly, and, giving Rome a final look, Levi headed inside.
“What the fuck you doing out here in the boonies?” I said as I walked to Rome, searching the park for any sight of Gio. I didn’t want my best friend getting any shit.
I didn’t even see it coming, but Rome walked with purpose toward me and punched me straight across the face. I stumbled back but recovered enough to straighten and push him until his back hit the bed of the truck.
“What the fuck, Rome!” I hissed and spat blood from my mouth.
Rome just knocked my hands off his shirt and met me chest to chest.
“What the fuck you doing, eighty-three?” he said quietly, his eyes boring into mine. “This your life now?” he said, gesturing around me with his hand. “This what you choosing to be?”
“Fuck off, Rome! You don’t know shit!”
“What I know is that my best friend, a guy I see as my brother, is digging himself into a hole he ain’t gonna be able to get out from. I ain’t seen you in weeks, have no idea what the fuck is going on in your life!”
Dropping my head, I stepped back and put my hands on my waist. “I gotta do it, man. I gotta provide for my family. Axe is off somewhere laying low. Mamma’s getting worse.”
Rome tipped back his head and said, “You know the dean is convinced you had something to do with Porter’s OD. He’s searching the campus for anyone who can tie you to the deal. You being here, obviously selling coke with the Heighters, ain’t gonna do you no favors.”
“Fuck! I know, but—”
Rome’s hand suddenly held my arm, and I lifted my eyebrows in surprise. “Look, eighty-three, I ain’t here to rip you a new one over the dealing, the crew. I get what you’re trying to do. I’m here to let you know that Le—”
“AUSTIN! AUSTIN!” My blood ran cold as Levi’s voice cut through the quietness of the night, cutting off Rome, and I turned to see him bolting from the trailer, pale as all hell and tears streaming from his eyes.
I sprinted to meet him, and as I held his arms, his body shook like a leaf in a windstorm.
“It’s Mamma, Aust! I can’t wake her up! She won’t wake up!”
I felt Rome behind me and heard him curse. But my feet were already moving into the trailer and into my mamma’s room. She looked like she was sleeping, but as I approached her bed, I could see she was eerily still and her chest was barely moving.
It was her breathing.
Hearing a creak in the doorway, I spun my head to find Rome there, staring, his arm around Levi as my baby bro cried.
“She ain’t waking up, Rome. What the fuck do I do?”
Rome swallowed but, moving into the room, said, “Get her out of bed. I’ll drive us to the ER.”
“But… fuck! I haven’t got the money. I haven’t made enough money for her care. Axe took off with it all, and I haven’t been able to make it up yet.”
Rome’s face turned stony. “You forget about that shit and just get her in the fuckin’ truck! Let’s go!”
I didn’t need more convincing and, gathering Mamma up in my arms, I dived in the back of the truck, Levi beside me, and Rome burned rubber out of the park.
With my mamma laid out unconscious over my lap, I gripped Levi’s shaking hand. Looking up at his watering eyes, I eventually hooked my arm around his neck, pulling him to my side.
His sobs came hard. “Is this it, Aust? Is she gonna die?”
I had no fuckin’ idea how to answer that question. I didn’t wanna think about it myself.
“Aust?” Levi asked again.
“I don’t know, kid. But I think we better prepare ourselves all the same.”
Levi sniffed and tucked his face into my shirt. “I don’t want her to go. I don’t wanna be alone.”
Fighting the lump in my throat, I pressed a kiss to his head. “You ain’t ever gonna be alone, kid. You’ll always have me.”
Meeting Rome’s worried eyes in the rearview mirror, I gripped Levi tighter and looked down at my mamma. “Resisti, Mamma. Resisti… ti prego.”
Hold on, Mamma. Hold on… I beg you.
Mamma was rushed to a room on the fourth floor. After one look from the doc, he admitted her immediately.
Walking out of triage, I made my way into the waiting room and immediately stopped. All my friends were there, and Levi poked his head around my back and slowly moved to the side.
As I looked along the row of faces, they were all sad and quiet. Rome saw me enter and, casting a worried glance at Molly, stood to face me.
“Did you bring them all here for Mamma?” I asked Rome, and he regretfully shook his head.
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion, and I caught Cass scowling at me from the back of the room.
“Then what—”
“It’s Lexi, Austin,” Rome said quietly.
My stomach plummeted and my hands began to shake. Rome’s face was white, and I saw Ally and Molly wiping tears from their eyes.
“Wh-what’s wrong with Lexi?” Levi said from beside me, and I heard the panic in his voice. The kid idolized her, that one meeting etched forever in his head.
Rome ran his hand down his face, and I reached out and took his arm. “What’s wrong with her?”
“She collapsed on us earlier tonight. She… Fuck, Carillo, she’s severely anorexic. She’s been sectioned.”
I felt like someone had punched a hole through my chest. She’d relapsed. Fuck! She’d relapsed. I saw the signs, but I thought without all the stress of the Heighters, she’d be okay… SHIT!
“Where is she?”
Rome flicked his chin. “Room fifteen. But she’s bad, Austin. She looks real fuckin’ bad.”
“What’s anorexic, Austin?” Levi asked, and I looked down to his petrified face.
Sighing deep, I said, “She starves herself, Lev. She starves herself of food.”
Levi’s eyebrows pulled down in confusion. “Why… why would she starve herself?”
Putting my arm around his shoulders, I said, “Because she has an illness. She’s had one for a long time. She don’t see herself like we see her… beautiful… perfect.”
Cass jumped from her seat and met me toe to toe. “She’s been what?”
I frowned and repeated my words. “She’s been anorexic since she was sixteen. She got through it enough to come to college, but this year she’s found it hard again.”
“And how the hell do you know this?” Cass said in outrage, as though she’d been left out of some great conspiracy.
“Because we’ve been together for months, and she told me! We told each other everything. Hell, I only left her because I was no good for her, Cass. Wanted to save her from the dangerous shit I’m being forced to do for my family. But I fuckin’ love her! Is that a good enough answer for you? I left her because I love her!”
Cass’s bottom lip shook and tears filled her eyes. “You love her?”
“Cass, I fuckin’ adore her. She’s everything to me. But my life is so fucked up. I didn’t wanna drag her down too.”
Lifting my head, I pulled Levi close. “You stay here with Rome. I gotta get to my Pix.”
Rome took Levi’s arm. “Stay with us, kid.”
Molly stood and put her arm around Levi’s shoulders, but Levi looked back at me. “Mamma and Lexi are both here, Austin.” His eyes dropped to the floor. “What if we lose them both?”
I walked to Levi and looked him dead in the eye. “I ain’t gonna lie to you, kid. Mamma’s in a real bad way. We knew this day was coming. But Pix…” I took a long, deep breath and managed to fight back tears. “I’m gonna do everything I can to get through to Pix.”
Levi’s bottom lip quivered, and he whispered, “You swear?”
I exhaled. “Lo guiro.”
Practically running from the room, I headed down the corridor until I got to room fifteen. The door was shut, and my breath came hard.
Three steps.
Three steps un
til I was through that door.
Three steps until I faced Pix… my girl with severe anorexia.
Thoughts of what she might look like circled my mind, but when, on a breath, I pushed open the door, nothing I was thinking could have prepared me for this.
Choking on a sob, I froze at the door, looking at the girl on the bed. The girl that was no more than a skeleton with skin, black hair patchy and thin and her lips a pale blue and lifeless.
Machines were beeping around her, and bags of liquid were poking out of her skin. I didn’t think I could take seeing her like this, but sucking up some courage from the bottom of my gut, I forced my heavy legs to move one step at a time.
One… two… three… four…
Tears blurred my eyes as I stared at Pix on the bed. Il mio piccolo folletto rotto… My broken little pixie.
Pix’s eyes were fixed on a space at the farthest side of the room, and I slumped in the chair beside her, staring at her tiny body, reaching out to run my finger down her hand. She didn’t even flinch. Didn’t even look my way.
“Pix,” I whispered, my quietly controlled voice sounding like a scream in the sterile room.
This time I threaded her hands through mine, almost flinching at how cold they were against my skin. I could feel every bone, every knuckle. I couldn’t believe how rapidly she’d declined over the past few weeks. She must have been eating nothing.
“Pix, please… look at me,” I begged, and eventually, Lexi rolled her head to mine, and I nearly jerked back in shock.
Her pale-green eyes were duller than usual and looked too big for her slender face. Patches of dry skin marred her severely sunken cheeks, so sharp it looked as though she had used a black blush along her bones. The tendons in her neck were visible, and her collarbone jutted out at an almost deadly angle.
“Pix… fuck. Pix…” I whispered as tears fell down my face. But there was nothing behind her pale eyes. No flicker of emotion, not even recognition.
“Speak to me, Pix.”
Still nothing, and an incessant beeping sounded and she rolled her head away.
Panicking, I got to my feet and, with my finger, moved her face to meet mine. “Speak to me, Pix, please. I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I left you because I thought it was best for you. I didn’t think this would happen! I was trying to prevent this!”