The sound of the door opening made me step back, and a man in a white coat stepped through. His eyebrows jerked when he saw me beside the bed.
“I’m sorry, son. I didn’t realize Lexi had a visitor. Only family is permitted in here.”
“Are you her doctor?” I asked in desperation.
He held out his hand. “I’m Dr. Lund, Lexi’s psychiatrist.”
Taking his hand, I asked, “Will she be okay? Please tell me she’ll be okay.”
His head tipped to the side, regarding me with a strange expression, and, casting a glance to Lexi still lying motionless on the bed, he motioned for me to join him outside.
I wavered over what to do. I didn’t want to leave Pix alone. I wanted to stay with her… comfort her, but Dr. Lund patted me on the back. “She’ll be okay for a few minutes, son.”
As we hit the corridor, I spotted my friends waiting outside, Rome looking on in concern.
“What relationship do you have with Lexi, son?” Dr. Lund asked. I didn’t really know how to answer him. We’d never given ourselves a label. But I knew in my heart what she meant to me… every-fuckin’-thing.
Looking up at Dr. Lund’s face, I simply said, “She’s my broken Pixie, and I’m her piece of trailer trash scum.”
Dr. Lund regarded me peculiarly, then I saw another doctor hurriedly approaching from behind—the doctor all those months ago who delivered the news that my mamma only had months left to live—holding on to a lady with blond hair.
It was Lexi’s daddy and what looked liked Lexi’s mom.
“Nigel? We got here as quickly as we could,” Dr. Hart said as he stood beside us, gripping the woman’s hand, and I saw recognition flash across on his face as he looked to me. “Mr. Carillo,” he said tightly.
“Hello, sir,” I answered back and lowered my head.
“I just heard from Dr. Small that your momma has been admitted. I’m sorry to hear that, son. You must be finding this all very hard.”
“Thank you, sir,” I said brokenly but kept my gaze on the standard-issue tiles.
Dr. Lund coughed awkwardly and turned to Lexi’s mom and dad. “Austin here was just telling me how he and Lexi are… involved.”
I saw the surprise flit across Dr. and Mrs. Hart’s faces, and then their eyebrows knitted together in concern. “She’s severely anorexic, Austin. Do you know that?” Dr. Hart said icily.
“Yes, sir,” I replied. “She told me her history a while back.”
Dr. Hart nodded his head and he and his wife exchanged looks of intense surprise.
“Do you know she has relapsed?” her momma asked in a barely there voice. “Can you tell us why?”
I shook my head, feeling like a piece of shit as her momma shed tears. “I’ve just been in to see her. I haven’t seen her for a while. I don’t… I—” I trailed off, unable to continue.
Dr. Hart laid a supportive hand on my shoulder. I looked down at the simple gesture, and my legs almost buckled. No one had ever comforted me like that before… no one but Pix. Everyone had always feared me because of the crew I was tied to.
Dr. Hart turned to Dr. Lund. “How is she?”
Dr. Lund sighed. “Unresponsive. Closed in. She’s not cooperating, Maxwell. Not at all. At this point, she’s not even speaking. She’s been lying to her friends and kept herself hidden for the last month to keep from anyone finding out about depriving her body of food.”
My heart beat too slow as I listened to the news. Unresponsive. Closed in. Not even speaking. Lied to her friends. Kept hidden. Depriving her body of food.
“We have no idea how to deal with this, Nigel. I can’t believe we’re back here again.” Lexi’s dad looked broken, and he tucked his wife under his arm. His wife, who was inconsolable.
Dr. Lund looked to Dr. Hart and said, “Just like last time, Maxwell. We have to give her time. We both knew losing Daisy could inspire a relapse such as this.”
“Daisy? Who’s Daisy?” I blurted, and Dr. Hart’s eyes darted to mine.
“She was Lexi’s best friend, Austin. They were diagnosed with anorexia around the same time, hospitalized together. They were inseparable.”
An intense fear ran though me at what Dr. Lund had said. “You… you said you lost her? Do you mean she…?” I couldn’t say the word.
“Daisy died this past summer. She relapsed, hid it from everyone… exactly like what Lexi’s been doing…” Mrs. Hart burst into tears, interrupting Dr. Hart. He pulled her close and pressed a swift kiss on her her head. “Daisy’s body couldn’t fight the anorexia anymore and she died of heart failure. She was too thin and her body shut down.” Dr. Hart put a hand on my shoulder. “Austin, Lexi was with her when she died. She held Daisy’s hand until her last breath. I’m afraid Lexi is in grave danger too.”
God! Pix… what have you been through? And why the fuck didn’t you tell me?
Rome suddenly appeared behind me. “Austin, your mamma’s doctor has just been up. They wanted your insurance details.”
I dropped my head in my hands. “Fuck, Rome. I can’t afford it. But I can’t leave Pix either. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m so lost.”
Rome stepped closer still and whispered, “I took care of it, man. I know you won’t like that, but you need help. All you gotta do is be here for your family and your girl. Believe me, I know what this shit feels like.”
My head snapped up and I tried to say no to his help. Rome hooked his hand around my nape, pulling me close, and said, “This ain’t no time to be proud, Carillo. Lean on your friends. Lean on me. This is you getting to say your final good-bye to the woman who gave you life and to inspire hope in the woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with.”
Tears this time came thick and fast, and I gripped onto Rome for dear life, unloading a shitload of pent-up grief.
After a minute or two, the tears dried, Rome patted me on the back and, turning to Dr. and Mrs. Hart, I said, “I gotta go see my mamma. I’ll be back soon, okay? Tell Pix I’ll be back.”
They both nodded as Rome reluctantly led me away to the ward at then end of the hallway. My friends were all waiting outside: Cass and Jimmy-Don, Ally and Reece, and Molly, holding tight to my baby bro.
Levi lifted his head, eyes huge with fear, as I returned, and I waved him over to join me. “We gotta see Mamma, kid,” I said in a desolate, raspy voice.
Levi stood and, with a braveness I would never have thought possible, he stood by my side and together we entered the room. Dr. Small was there when we walked in, and he gave us a sympathetic smile.
Seeing my mamma hooked up to machines nearly killed me, and I knew this was it. This was when Chiara Carillo was freed from her cage, from the confines of her broken-down body.
“Austin, Levi, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, boys, but there’s nothing more we can do. Your mom will not see out the week. It’s time to make your peace.”
A pained wail ripped from Levi’s chest, and as a unit of two, we hit the sterile Lysol-ed floor, and I wrapped him in my arms. Several feet walking on the hospital tiles sounded behind me, and my friends joined us on the floor, supporting us as we broke.
I glanced to my mamma on the bed, and I could almost hear her say, “Famiglia isn’t always blood, mio caro. Famiglia is built on bridges of love. Famiglia is there for you without condition. Famiglia supports you in your darkest moment of need.”
Levi and I wouldn’t ever be alone. This right here was our famiglia. With one huge exception. But I’d be damned if my Pix didn’t feel this love too. I just had to figure out how to rescue her from herself first.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Austin
Three days later and there was no change. I spent my days and nights here at the hospital, switching from one room to the next. My mamma was in a coma, no change in her condition, and Pix was lost in her head, no change in her either.
Moving to her iPhone her daddy had brought in, I pressed play on her favorite song, “Sleeping Sun” by Nightwish,
the haunting lyrics filling the room. But my Pix never moved, just stayed where she lay, unaffected, staring at nothing at the farthest side of the room.
The door opened behind me, and when I looked around, Dr. Hart was at the door, clutching a brown book of some sort in his hand. After casting a devastated glance at Lexi, he motioned with a wave for me to follow him outside.
As soon as I shut the door, Dr. Hart moved right before me, shaking the old brown book. “When I first found this this morning in Lexi’s room and started reading it, I didn’t know whether to hug you or have you arrested for your extracurricular activities. I knew when I first met you that day in the hospital that you were a Heighter.” He pointed to the stidda on my cheek. “That famous star gave it away. But I didn’t know you were a coke dealer too. My first instinct was to march down here and never let you see my girl again.”
I swallowed at his cutting words and felt like the piece of shit he was making me out to be.
“But then I kept reading the inner workings of my daughter’s fragile mind, and her self-loathing and loneliness she’d had since a teen seemed to fade when you entered her life.” He laid a hand my shoulder, water filling his green eyes… eyes just like Lexi’s. “She loves you, son. Loves you so violently that I never thought I’d ever see the day. You made her see herself as beautiful… You don’t know what a gift that is to me, to her momma. With you, she saw herself as worthy. For that, I owe you the world.”
Dr. Hart broke down at that point, his chest heaving. I put my hand on his arm.
“But I fucked up. I left her.”
Dr. Hart lifted his head and placed the brown book into my hands. “This is her journal. You need to read it. I want you to read it. I’ve bookmarked the entry that applies to you.”
I looked down to the journal like it was a bomb in my hand, and Dr. Hart moved away without another word but glanced back and said, “If she gets through this, you need to get out of that gang. My daughter will not be put in harm’s way anymore.”
“It’s already done with. It was the moment I walked into this place and saw my soul mate laying on that hospital bed. If she gets through this, sir, I’ll do whatever it takes to gain back her trust… and yours.”
Dr. Hart sighed. “You know, Austin. You’re a good kid. A good, but lost, kid. I’m trusting that you’ll do what’s right.” With that, he walked away.
Shuffling into the solitary family room, I shut the door and opened the pages revealing the intricate musings of Pix’s mind.
Dear Daisy… This is my first letter to you…
Dear Daisy… I’m terrified. I’m not eating, not sleeping…
Dear Daisy… Last night was the most magical night of my life…
Dear Daisy… I wish you were here… I never see Austin anymore, and I feel as though my heart is breaking…
Clutching the journal in my hands, I almost tore the paper. Her words were cutting, terrifying, and I was finding them real hard to read.
But with a long exhale, I turned to the entry for me. It was written the very last day we had spoken, after we’d made love in the summerhouse. Just before I left her for good…
My eyes wandered over the words…
Dear Daisy,
Dear… you…
Where to begin…?
There are so many things I wish I had said to you. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you now. But I lack courage. I would be unable to voice the words I so dearly want to say, too afraid of your rejection. So instead, I bare them here, on the pages I hold most dear. I am too weak to tell you this face-to-face, but…
I love you.
I love you deeply, whole-heartedly, without hesitation, free of condition.
I have fallen in love with you. The broken boy who has only ever known trouble and strife. Yet the broken boy who managed to put this broken girl back together, at least for a while.
I wasn’t always this broken. As a child, my life was happy. It was endless days of summer and spring. But on one of those days, while playing carefree amongst the daisies, a deep freeze swooped in unannounced, robbing everything bright of its light. Then winter thawed and fall leaves began to sprout. But the sun never fully came back. Days and days would be spent lost in dreary overcast, until… until gradually, sunbeams began to break up the blanket of gray and set forth its healing rays. Those healing rays were you.
For a time, the sun shone every day. Birds would chirp and time would be spent lounging in the heat, content basking in its glow.
But again, the unrelenting winter returned, bringing days of forever night, and with it, all loss of hope.
For the sun would never shine again, and without it, everything withers and dies… until there is nothing, nothing but an empty desert of pain.
We didn’t last. Lord knows we didn’t last. We broke down at the most critical hour, and my heart fragmented into pieces. I have spiraled down a deep, dark well, no hope of rescue.
For a time, with you by my side, I was normal. For a time, with you by my side, I felt beautiful. But that time is up. That time is no more. The last grain of sand has fallen in the hourglass that is my resistance to the voice, and I’m choosing to finally let go.
It happened so gradually that I didn’t even know I was back in the darkness until I lost my way, completely alone, no light to be my guide—no you to lead the way.
I thought I was healed, in a better place—a healthier place—but I was wrong. I know you’ll eventually blame yourself for all of this, but you were my reason to hold on as long as I did. My reason to fight the unbeatable battle.
At least for a while.
Oh, how I wish I had met you before.
I wish I had known you then. Maybe I would’ve fought harder against the voice in my mind. Maybe things wouldn’t have spun so out of control.
I would’ve had you. Only you make me strong.
If I had met you before, maybe you could have intercepted the dark path I was destined to follow with your light. Maybe we could have been each other’s guide. Holding tight to one another against the hurricane that is our lives.
But you were too late, and I grow too tired.
Too tired to keep on fighting for this empty vessel I call a life, a life of desolation now it’s void of you.
If I could go back in time, I would find you. I would search the world to seek you out and make you fall in love with me once more. I would need you, and you would need me, and all the pain, all the demons we harbor deep inside, would have disappeared before they had a chance to take root. And all the scars we have endured and worn with shame, would never have had a chance to strike.
But I’m lost without you.
I can’t breathe without you.
Without you here, all I can do is fall…
Hands shaking, I reread the entry over and over with daggers striking unrelenting at my heart. I never knew… I never knew she felt like this…
How could I have left her? I was so wrong, so fuckin’ wrong, and, by doing so, I’d ruined her. The piece of trash that I was had ruined everything for her.
Standing, I let my feet take me back to Lexi’s room, and I quietly opened the door. “All I Need” by Within Temptation was playing from the speakers—she loved this song. I watched as the chorus played out and a tear rolled down Lexi’s pale and sallow cheek. A part of my heart lurched to life. That was the first reaction she’d had in all the days I’d been sitting by her bed.
Clutching the journal to my chest, I silently backed out of the room, snatching a pen from the nurse’s station, and made my way back to the family room, finding a fresh page, putting pen to paper.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lexi
I couldn’t believe I was back here again. I couldn’t believe I was back in this room. Memories of back then invaded my mind… I was only sixteen…
I stared at the large generic clock ticking on the wall in the small sterile office, feeling three sets of eyes on me.
Tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock…
I didn’t look their way. What was the point? They didn’t understand. No one did.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…
“Lexi? Are you listening to Dr. Lund?” my momma asked, her voice curt, or was it desolate? I couldn’t tell anymore. Was beyond caring.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Keep calm. They cannot change what you will not let them change, the voice assured me, and I felt myself relax.
Keep strong, Lexington. You know what is best. It is just a few more pounds. Listen to them and they will make sure you fail. You must not fail. You have come this far. Feel me. Trust me. Trust how good I make you look. Feel me in your mind, guiding you to perfection, the voice pushed and took back control.
“Lexi!” my momma snapped.
I dragged my head away from watching the black second hand on its hypnotizing circle, dancing starkly against the white plastic of the clock face on a snow-white painted wall.
“Lexi, you’re being pulled out of high school, at sixteen! All the cheerleading, the gymnastics, the dance classes stop. Your cheer scholarship to Oklahoma State has gone, revoked and given to someone else. It’s all gone! Are you even listening to this? All your dreams. Everything you’ve worked so hard for, for years, has gone!”
My eyes narrowed at her over-the-top emotional outburst, but I kept silent. My momma’s eyes, however, were unnaturally wide as she stared at me, water glistening. My daddy, stoic as ever, clutched her hand tightly.
“Lexington. You’re being sectioned. You’re not getting any better, despite our best efforts.”
I could see Dr. Lund’s mouth moving, lips tight. Strangely, the words seemed to pour from his mouth and sail out of the window behind him. I smiled as I watched the letters of his sentence dance in vivid primary colors and make their escape into the bright-blue summer sky, floating gently away on the light breeze.