I looked at the supportive faces of my best friends and said, “Although I acted as though I was this fun-loving girl around y’all, it didn’t mean I didn’t trust you. The fake persona, the gothic makeup, it was about my not having dealt with my disorder. It was my mask, my shield. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you. That I didn’t cherish your friendship.”
“The tears of a clown,” Molly said sadly in response. I closed my eyes. She got exactly what I was trying to explain.
“What the hell does that mean?” Cass said in her usual boisterous manner.
“Clowns paint expressions on their faces with makeup, don’t they? And we all know those expressions aren’t real, the painted on tears, for example. We all know he’s not really crying, that the tears are fake. No one can see the real face underneath the clown’s mask. He plays the part we expect because of his makeup: sad, happy, funny, etcetera. He disguises his true personality from the world. His makeup hides who he really is… Thus, the tears of a clown.”
Cass’s eyes welled with tears and she turned her attention back to me. “So if you’re not the fun and giggly Lexi we all know, if that was your clown’s mask… who are you?”
“I-I d-don’t know. I’ve been pretending for so long, I guess I’m still trying to work that out myself. I’ve changed too much to be the Lexi of my youth, and this disorder has defined me for so long that I’ve lost sense of the real me.”
Cass nodded and threw me a playful wink. “Then we’re gonna have a shitload of fun peeling back the layers and finding out who you are, Sexy Lexi!”
For the first time in a very long time, a free and genuine giggle came out of my mouth.
“We’re just happy you’re doing better,” Ally added, playfully shaking her head at Cass as she patted my hand.
Cass snorted a watery laugh. “Of course she’s gonna get better. She’s managed to get her hooks into Carillo, who’s friggin’ crazy about her. That guy is sin on sticks! Woof!”
The four of us paused and darted our glances to each other before bursting out in giggles.
It felt good to laugh. It felt good to embrace life.
Two days had passed since Austin had brought me back to him, and I felt a little stronger. I’d restarted my sessions with Dr. Lund, and hopefully, I could get things back on track slowly but surely.
I’d been praying nightly, begging for the strength to see it through.
I don’t want to die, I would plead. I want Austin’s dream for us to come true.
“We’ve missed you so much, Lex,” Molly said, and she sniffed back her wrought emotions.
“Promise us you’ll speak to us if you feel down again. And I want that promise in blood if at all possible.” I looked over to Cass and tried to promise her by crossing my weak fingers. The four of us sat in silence for a moment, enjoying our closeness.
A knock on the door sounded, and Rome entered, his face desolate and his attention on me. “It’s time.”
My good feeling soon faded, and I instantly tried to sit up, but I immediately fell back down.
“Whoa, girl! What you doing?” Cass said in panic, and my friends all jumped up, trying to usher me back down to the bed.
I held out my hand. “No! Austin needs me. I can’t let him go through this alone.”
Molly looked to Rome, who nodded his head. “Give me a minute.” With that, he exited the door, only to return minutes later with a wheelchair and a nurse, who immediately began unhooking me from the IV machine and attaching the bag to the back of the wheelchair.
Moving toward me, Rome asked, “Am I okay to lift you into the chair?”
Fighting the usual panic at someone touching me, especially my back, I quickly nodded, and as Rome lifted me in his arms and placed me in the chair, I held my breath and closed my eyes.
This was for Austin.
For Levi…
For Chiara.
I just had to get to Austin.
“You sure you’re strong enough for this, darlin’?” Ally asked, and I nodded as Cass began to push me down the hallway to Austin’s momma’s room. Pausing outside the door, I nodded to Rome to open it.
Cass rolled me in, and I immediately saw Levi and Austin on either side of the bed, both distraught and each clutching their mamma’s limp hands as the doctor stood at the head of the bed.
Austin’s eyes shot to mine and his face contorted in pain. He slid off the bed and raced to me, kneeling on the floor, placing his head in my lap. Tiredly lifting my hand, I ran my fingers through his dark, messy hair.
“I don’t think I can do this, Pix,” he said through a thick throat.
Fighting back my own tears, I said, “Yes, you can, baby. You need to be strong.” As I looked up, I saw Levi at the side of his mamma’s narrow bed, looking completely lost as he sat there alone.
Holding out my hand, I smiled at Levi, who swallowed in response. “Come here, sweetie,” I said.
Levi took a hesitant step before stopping and asking, “Are… are you okay now, Lex? Are you still starving yourself? You look so thin…”
Resisting a laugh at his blunt words, I whispered, “I will be, sweetie. I will be…”
Levi then gripped onto my hand as though I were his source of strength, his fingers shaking against mine.
Austin lifted his head when the doctor cleared his throat. “Austin, Levi, your mamma’s heart rate is slowing now. It’s time to say good-bye.”
Austin looked up at me, and I let go of Levi’s hand. Austin stood and, taking Levi by the hand, led him to the bed.
Austin’s free hand jutted out beside him, reaching for me, and Rome rolled me to him as the rest of our friends stood along the back wall, silent and respectful.
“Wait!” Austin said brokenly and fished into his pocket for his iPhone. Confused, I watched what he was doing. Pressing play on a song from his playlist, he placed the phone beside his mamma’s head.
“Ave Maria” began playing softly through the phone, and Austin looked sadly at his mamma’s serene face. “She never sleeps right without it playing. It always makes her smile… and you should always meet the sandman smiling.”
I fought hard to not break down at that gut-wrenching act.
“Lev, say good-bye to Mamma, kid,” Austin said gruffly, trying to be strong, and Levi inched closer to his mamma and laid a soft kiss on her cheek.
“Dio ti benedica, Mamma. Ti voglio bene.”
Levi moved back and Austin went next. Levi was crying now, and I pushed out my hand and took his, bringing him back to stand beside me.
“Mamma…” Austin cried, and the doctor stepped forward, pressing a hand on his back.
“You have about a minute, son.”
Austin nodded and, moving his iPhone closer, said, “Axe ain’t here right now, Mamma. But he would want me to tell you he loved you. Everything he ever did was for us. I get that now, even if he did have a damn funny way of showing it. I hope one day you’ll be proud of him.” He took a shuddering breath as the heart monitor began to slow to a frightening speed, a harrowing countdown to the end of Chiara Carillo’s life.
“You were too good for this life, Mamma. You’ve always belonged in heaven. You belong up there with the angels and away from this shit life.” Austin broke on a pained cry, and I squeezed his hand in mine and couldn’t help but sob along with him.
Leaning forward, Austin brushed his mamma’s brown hair back, just as Andrea Bocelli hit a crescendo and the heart monitor rang out in one long, continuous beep, telling us all that Chiara Carillo had passed.
As the doctor turned off the monitor and silence filled the room, Austin pressed a kiss to her head and whispered for the final time, “Buona notte, e dormi bene, mia cara. Ti voglio bene.”
Goodnight and sleep well, my darling. I love you.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Austin
She was gone. Mamma was gone.
As I straightened up from Mamma’s body, I cast a glance around the room and had no fuckin’ clue
what to do next.
But as soon as I looked down at my Pix, my chest felt that little bit lighter. Bending down to her chair, I pressed a kiss to her head and whispered, “Ti amo.”
“I love you, too.”
“If you would like to wait in the family room across the corridor, you’ll have it to yourself,” Dr. Small informed.
Nodding numbly, I moved behind Lexi’s chair and began rolling her out of the room… and straight into a fuckin’ nightmare.
The minute we entered the corridor, two cops approached me, with the dean. “That’s him right there,” the dean said, pointing in my direction.
The cops marched toward me, pulling out their cuffs. “Austin Carillo, you are under arrest for dealing drugs and distributing class-A narcotics on school property.” They read me the rest of my rights, slamming me against the wall and cuffing my wrists.
“Austin!” Lexi cried, and I saw her trying to get out of her chair, her thin arms unable to support her weight.
I met Rome’s eyes. “Look after her and Lev!”
Rome nodded, and Molly ran over to keep Lexi calm. As the cops led me away, Rome shouted, “I’m calling my attorney! He’ll meet you at the station!”
As I was led down the hallway, the dean fell into step beside me. “It was only a matter of time, Carillo. We got a freshman who claimed you sold him coke. Porter’s just woke up, and we’re expecting his testimony any time now. Kiss your NFL dreams good-bye. You’re no role model for young kids. You belong behind bars.”
The proud smirk on his face had me spittin’ mad, and I snarled, “You fuckin’ prick, my mamma’s just died and you come in and do this!”
The dean turned to me, seeming genuinely sympathetic, and said, “My condolences, son. But justice must be done, and I’m sure your momma would want you to pay for your mistakes. Sinners must be punished and pray for forgiveness.”
“I ain’t done nothing wrong! I never supplied nothing to no one!”
The dean headed swiftly for the door. “Well, that will be for a jury to decide on. A jury and God.”
For twelve hours, they left me sitting in a holding cell. Rome’s attorney turned up about an hour after I arrived, and I’d been sitting on my own ever since.
My throat was tight as I thought of Mamma, of Pix, of Levi clutching Pix’s hand… Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! What if I got charged? What would happen to Levi? What if Pix relapsed again? What if—
“Carillo, you’re free to leave.” A cop came to the cell door, his keys rattling in the lock, and he swung the heavy steel door open and gestured for me to come out.
Standing, I walked to the cop and said, “I don’t understand. How am I free to go? I thought I was being charged.”
The cop shrugged. “Turns out someone made a confession. Took responsibility for the whole thing. All your charges have been dropped.”
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and I followed the cop out into the station, where my attorney, Rome, JD, and Reece were all waiting. All four of them jumped to their feet and ran toward me.
I looked straight to the attorney. “Who the hell confessed?”
The suit looked down at his paperwork and then met my eyes. “A Mr. Axel Carillo.”
My heart paused. Axe? He’s back? How—
Rome stepped forward and said, “Lev called him from the hospital, left a message telling him what had happened. Turns out the kid has balls, eighty-three. Started cussing down the phone about how it was all his fault and it wasn’t fair you were gonna take the rap for it.
“We left Lev with the girls and came down here to the station, waiting to see what was happening to you, when Axel walked through the main doors, brazen as all hell, and confessed to the whole thing. Said he’d been supplying the drugs on campus alone all year and was the one who gave it to Porter and the freshman. They both verified the story.” Rome slapped me on my back. “Your scholarship and record won’t be touched by this. And you can still enter the draft.”
Fuck.
“Can I see him?” I asked the attorney hoarsely.
He shook his head. “They’re not gonna let you in there. I could ask if—”
“Kid?” I heard from behind me, and Axel, in cuffs, was being led out of a room by some cops, the dean following behind, ducking his head in embarrassment as he passed me by.
“Axe!” I shouted, ignoring the dean and ran to my brother, wrapping my arms around his back. The cops had moved to the desk and were handing some paperwork to the clerk, and eventually I let my brother go.
“Hey, kid.” Axel tried to smile, but he looked fuckin’ crushed. Tired even. “So Mamma passed?” he asked in his typical hard-ass, gruff way.
“Yeah,” I replied, fighting back tears. “Fuck, Axe, it’s all gone to shit.”
He shook his head. “Nah, kid. It’s gone exactly as we knew it would.”
“What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“This is your chance, fratello. You get out of the crew, out of Bama. Take Levi with you. Use football to start again. That kid schooled me on the phone about what a fuck-up I was and what a damn saint you and your girl are.”
My heart swelled as I thought of Levi defending me. “But what about you?” I asked.
“I was always gonna end up in here, kid, locked up. Always. This was always my lot in life, but you got a chance to get out. Start fresh… It’s what Mamma always wanted. She always knew you’d go far, superstar… so long as you didn’t get in with me and the Heighters. You get to make her dream come true. You get to make all her years of fighting for us to be better men worthwhile.”
“Gio ain’t gonna let me and Lev leave the crew, Axe, especially with you gone. We’re gonna have to move state or something, lay low.”
“Gio won’t be a problem. I made sure of it.”
A sinking feeling set in my stomach. “What’ve you done?”
Axel shrugged. “Called in a few favors.” My hard stare told him I wanted to know more. Axel sighed and moved in closer, checking he wasn’t being overheard. “Gio wouldn’t let you two out. He’d kill you if you tried. You’d both be in danger. So I took care of it.”
“Axe, no—”
“By midnight tonight, Gio won’t be a problem no more. The Kings will take the Heighter turf, and the crew will have to reorganize with someone new running the show. By then, you’ll be in the NFL and outta here.”
“Fuck, Axe,” I said in a graveled voice. My big bro had finally come through for us. Betrayed his crew brother, his best friend. The fucker did put us first, after all. “Won’t this come back on you?”
Axel shrugged. “I can handle myself inside.”
Fighting back my sadness, I said, “Yeah, and what the hell will you do afterward?”
Axel huffed a laugh. “I’ll serve my time. Then I’m coming to live with you, superstar. You’ll have some rich-ass mansion by then, yeah? Capisci?”
I laughed and replied, “Capisco.”
“Carillo, let’s go.” A cop came behind me, and Axel lowered his mouth to my ear.
“I know I ain’t been the best brother for you, kid. I know I fucked up more than I got right, especially with Lev. But famiglia was always everything to me. And I want you to know how fuckin’ proud I am of you. I have pride that you’re my blood. You and Lev. Promise me you’ll both do well.”
Slapping my hand on Axel’s cheek, I pulled him toward me and laid a kiss on his head. “You keep your head down and don’t get in no trouble, and whenever you get out, I’ll be here to bring you home.”
Axel smiled wide. “That a deal? ’Cause I’ll hold you to it.”
“It’s a deal,” I replied, cracking a smile.
With a curt nod, the cop began leading Axel away, when he looked back with tears in his eyes. “Did she go peacefully?”
My heart cracked when I realized he was talking about Mamma, and I had to cross my arms over my chest to stop my hands from shaking. I couldn’t speak so I just nodded my head.
“That?
??s good, kid. That’s real fuckin’ good. At least she’s finally free again, huh?”
The cop took Axel away, and I turned to face my friends.
Jimmy-Don threw an arm around my neck. “You ready to get back to your Pix and little bro, and start living the straight life, boy?”
Releasing a long sigh, I nodded my head. Start living. That’s what I’m gonna do. Cut all the Heighter shit and really start living.
Later that night, Giovanni “Gio” Marino was shot dead in a drive-by in Westside Heights. There were no witnesses to the murder, and the Kings immediately took over Heighter turf.
Chapter Thirty
Lexi
NFL Draft, Second Round
Radio City Music Hall, New York
Two months later…
“And for the San Francisco 49ers… Austin Carillo, from the Alabama Crimson Tide!”
Austin’s eyes slammed to mine as we all sat backstage in Radio City Hall and, holding my hand, Austin brought it to his lips. His was shaking.
“Pix… fuck,” he hushed out, and I leaned into his shoulder as his eyes closed in prayer.
“Austin! The 49ers!” Levi shouted and jumped up from his seat. Austin released my hand and stood to embrace his brother, both clinging onto each other, just savoring the magnitude of this moment.
Austin pulled back and, in a daze, walked after the official to the stage to receive his jersey.
I sat watching him on the TV screen and couldn’t keep the smile from my face.
“How you feeling, darlin’?” Ally asked in concern.
“I’m okay, a little tired, but I’m good.”
It had been two months since my relapse, and I had already gained twenty pounds. It was a slow process, but I was getting better every day… with Austin’s help. And he was better too. He’d managed to get a place for him and Levi away from Westside Heights, and they never heard from the crew again.
The sofa suddenly dipped beside me, and Levi’s smiling face looked my way. “Can you believe it, Lexi? We’re going to San Francisco!”